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Sex Too Soon, Can You Recover?


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Posted (edited)

I have a different thread that this question stems from. But I will leave all that in that thread.

I think we all agree sex too early CAN (not always) make things complicated in a relationship.

TLDR, I had a friend that's a girl. We started out platonic hiking friends for a bit. We went on hiking trip together where the elephant in the room came to light, especially by her. We already had a good time and chemistry, but it culminated in sex. We hooked up several times in about two weeks or so. That was back in late February to early March.

We both took a step back. The interest, chemistry was there, but we agreed we did not want to be FWBs or F buddies. So we carried on as friends. I know I at least did not have any feelings. 

 

However, despite not being physical for well over a month and a half now, yet hanging out several times, it became clear there is mutual interest there. 

We agreed to no sex, but other physical intimacy is there, hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, massages. She stated that if we are to get into a relationship she wants to do it the right way. Which she feels we did not go about correctly at first, and I agree, but we are both guilty of that. She stated in the past she felt used by men for sex early, and she does not want that. 

She is of the belief that it's best to Know, Trust, Rely, and Commit prior to sex. That is what she wants. However, we have already crossed that boundary several times prior, before there was relationship thoughts. 

 

Do people think it's viable, with anyone not just my case, to step back from that physical intimacy, and work on a better foundation in other ways? You can't unsex, so that is always there, but is it feasible to recover from that and build it in a healthier way?

 

Thoughts?

Edited by EitherDare0
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Anything can be resolved if both people WANT to resolve it.

If her excuse is that you guys had sex too soon and that's not what she wants in a relationship,  then you just have to accept it. 

Be honest with yourself about what she is actually saying.  You can't turn back time. You both have to agree that it's okay. you went too fast but you're willing to put it aside. 

If she's saying anything else, move on. She's telling you flat out you're only friends. 

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5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I feel like you just want people to tell you want you want to hear. So here goes, if your okay with being just friends with someone after having sex with them. Then by all means do that.

Huh? Not at all.

I am saying, when it starts off casual, and you hook up early on because at the moment you did, there wasn't any intention of dating.... is it feasible to back off sex and build a foundation for a relationship? As in put the cork back on the bottle for awhile. OR, is it sort of... yeah we already broke that ice, went too far, and the foundation may already be skewed. 

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8 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

We agreed to no sex, but other physical intimacy is there, hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, massages. 

This seems bizarre. Either be all in and date each other or get out.

You're wasting your time here and one of you is going to get hurt. 

She may be having sex with others, who knows?

It's unclear what she means by "dating the right way"? 

Is she on/off with a BF? This seems to a have space filler feel to it.

Going from friends to FWB to friends with partial benefits seems like you're both going in circles going nowhere.

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How does not sleeping with her make you feel? About yourself, her, and the relationship?

Personally, if that is what it takes and would make her comfortable, I am ok with that, even though we have several times already.

Admittedly, it does make me a little concerned. I am in no way questioning our sexual chemistry or any of that. I am not at all worried that she isn't into me that way. I know she is.

Rather, my thing is, is if we are not exclusive, I do not want to have sex with-held IF she is going to pursue it with other people. I have no reason to think she is, but that point remains. I won't be ok being the romantic guy while someone else is getting it.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems bizarre. Either be all in and date each other or get out.

You're wasting your time here and one of you is going to get hurt. 

She may be having sex with others, who knows?

It's unclear what she means by "dating the right way"? 

Is she on/off with a BF? This seems to a have space filler feel to it.

Going from friends to FWB to friends with partial benefits seems like you're both going in circles going nowhere.

I don't disagree, it's weird to me too. I believe a lot of it has to do with her own insecurities. In the past, she felt like she was used by men for sex. I still think she is guarded about that with men now. Yes that's not ideal, not a fun insecurity to have to put up with. 

Correct, I don't know if she is having sex with others. All I can do is take her word. That is the case essentially anytime. Hell you can never fully know if a girl is having sex with someone else, even if you are married, unless you catch her. Same for men...

 

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6 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Rather, my thing is, is if we are not exclusive,

So she has you on an invisible leash.

Why are you not exclusive? No wonder you're frustrated. This is a big red flag by itself. Cause ... You're sticking around for someone who is not doing the same to you. She's not reciprocating.

Have you had the exclusivity talk before? If she's not willing to be exclusive, you're wasting your time 100%. She's probably looking at other options or doesn't see you as serious potential. That's it.

Don't let your feelings get the hang of you when you're not being reciprocated.

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I still think you are in for a rude awakening. And that the person who is into you wouldnt put invisible walls there. Even when it comes to sex. It really doesnt matter if you had sex before or not. She either trusts you not to hurt her or doesnt. She doesnt. No ammount of you walking some imaginative path she pictured there, would just fix that. The person who is there is there all the way. The person who is not is putting a wall. She is putting a wall. Its that simple sometimes.

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It's not a question that can be answered generally as everyone else wrote.  Context matters, the individuals, their past, their values, their views.  What "too soon" means.  I had two friends who insisted on having sex ASAP as a way to assess sexual compatibility up front (not my approach, and made no sense to me but it did to them) and if the sex wasn't good the first time, bye bye.  No recovery. 

I definitely wanted to have sex with my husband on the first date right after we got back together -I'm sure he did too - and no one said "no" we just both stopped ourselves because we both knew we didn't want to risk a "too soon" feeling since we'd gotten back together to see if this time we should get married.  We had bigger fish to fry than giving in to intense chemistry impulsively.  

It takes two to "recover" from whatever it is.  She's not on the recovery train it seems.  You made some risky choices but who knows -even if you'd waited- if you'd be together.  There are no guarantees just balancing risk/benefit.  You chose to react to intense chemistry by having casual sex.  So did she.  She regrets she did so.  Her reaction then was to unring the bell. 

As my mom used to tell me  around 40 years ago when I was a teenager and curious about sex (I had a serious boyfriend) "once you have sex you can't go back to holding hands"(says the woman who met her husband when she was 15, her one and only).  She's right with rare exception I guess.  But again it depends why you had sex when you did, and all the factors I wrote about in my first paragraph.

 

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How could she have been "used for sex" by you? Didn't she agree to have sex? You didn't force or assault her.

What she's saying makes no sense.

Is she trying to get you to "prove" how into her you are? 

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Posted (edited)

I wouldn't date anyone that had such hang ups over sex. Sex is just sex and shouldn't "complicate" anything. I find it ridiculous and so should you. Her putting the brakes on is your cue to punt her to the curb, because this moth and a half has been one long $%^& test. 

true story: I was hot and heavy with this guy, and just when we were to start, he stops and says to me "I can't, I like you too much." I left and never went back. 

Edited by smackie9
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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Rather, my thing is, is if we are not exclusive, I do not want to have sex with-held IF she is going to pursue it with other people.

Did she back this up into the friendzone because you refused to be exclusive? She doesn't owe you sex so "withheld" is not accurate.

If you do not want to be exclusive or her BF, she should just make a clean break, rather than this teasing, playing footsies, etc.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

It sounds like you two had fun with the early sex, but then, overthinking things, one or both of you decided to slow down. While I question the wisdom there (I say just let it happen naturally: don't go unnaturally slow or fast), I do not think all is lost. You know the situation better than me, but doesn't it seem like, based on what she said, the door is open to a relationship? I.e., you are both just cooling the engines for now? 

If that's the case, start making moves toward a committed relationship. Go out on dates and have fun. When all feels right, ask if she wants to be in a relationship. If all goes right, I'm sure the sex will return lol

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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I see it somewhat differently.

I agree with the other views. It's possible she's just friend zoning you.

It's equally possibly (if I read it right) she is catching feelings and feels somewhat vulnerable by having no strings attached sex.  She may not be entirely clear what your intentions are and merely needed to pump the brakes a bit and see if this could change the tracks and turn into something that has legs. 

Whatever the case, you'll have your answer soon enough. 

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6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So she has you on an invisible leash.

Why are you not exclusive? No wonder you're frustrated. This is a big red flag by itself. Cause ... You're sticking around for someone who is not doing the same to you. She's not reciprocating.

Have you had the exclusivity talk before? If she's not willing to be exclusive, you're wasting your time 100%. She's probably looking at other options or doesn't see you as serious potential. That's it.

Don't let your feelings get the hang of you when you're not being reciprocated.

Talked more about sexual exclusivity. I spoke about how I respected she wants to not continually have sex and wants to build more, but I would not be ok with it IF she is turning around and sleeping with someone else. IF she is 100% "I'm not sleeping with anyone" then fine. 

As to that, she insists she is not. Insists she likes me and there isn't anyone else she likes or has this rapport with. 

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1 minute ago, EitherDare0 said:

Talked more about sexual exclusivity. I spoke about how I respected she wants to not continually have sex and wants to build more, but I would not be ok with it IF she is turning around and sleeping with someone else. IF she is 100% "I'm not sleeping with anyone" then fine. 

As to that, she insists she is not. Insists she likes me and there isn't anyone else she likes or has this rapport with. 

Is she exclusively dating you too? Or can you both date others as long as there's no intercourse?

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How could she have been "used for sex" by you? Didn't she agree to have sex? You didn't force or assault her.

What she's saying makes no sense.

Is she trying to get you to "prove" how into her you are? 

Not by me, but by other men. No I did not force her. Not that anyone assaulted her, but used or manipulated her.

She told me back before (over a year ago, well before I knew her) she slept around with a few people when single. 

I guess two different men then became too far. One she had to get a restraining order again, because he didn't want to take no for an answer. Another, he started harassing her via text, so she blocked him. Then, he changed or got a different number and started doing it again. 

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Is she exclusively dating you too? Or can you both date others as long as there's no intercourse?

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she back this up into the friendzone because you refused to be exclusive? She doesn't owe you sex so "withheld" is not accurate.

If you do not want to be exclusive or her BF, she should just make a clean break, rather than this teasing, playing footsies, etc.

I never refused to be exclusive. I would like to become exclusive and her BF, if things can progress that way. 

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Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Not by me, but by other men. No I did not force her. Not that anyone assaulted her, but used or manipulated her.

She told me back before (over a year ago, well before I knew her) she slept around with a few people when single. 

I guess two different men then became too far. One she had to get a restraining order again, because he didn't want to take no for an answer. Another, he started harassing her via text, so she blocked him. Then, he changed or got a different number and started doing it again. 

So you feel comfortable with paying for the "sins" of these other men by abstaining from sex after you had sex and also you can't have sex with anyone else while she decides what to do? 

So as it stands now, you want a potentially serious relationship with her.  She wants to hang out with you and hook up but no sex.  She won't have sex with anyone else but she can date or try to date whoever she pleases as can you.  So how do you expect to build something potentially serious if all she will commit to is not having sex with anyone until she figures out whether she can get over her fears and baggage and have sex with you again?

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

It sounds like you two had fun with the early sex, but then, overthinking things, one or both of you decided to slow down. While I question the wisdom there (I say just let it happen naturally: don't go unnaturally slow or fast), I do not think all is lost. You know the situation better than me, but doesn't it seem like, based on what she said, the door is open to a relationship? I.e., you are both just cooling the engines for now? 

If that's the case, start making moves toward a committed relationship. Go out on dates and have fun. When all feels right, ask if she wants to be in a relationship. If all goes right, I'm sure the sex will return lol

Well I for one would like one, she I think is still feeling it out. I think a lot of her lack of wanting to have sex is because she doesn't want too become too attached too soon. I think she is vulnerable, that's my opinion. Actually, I know that's got to be it, as she mentioned that once. OR at least part of it.

She is still out of town. She will be back for a few days next week before leaving for another week, So I am trying to be patient. We talk daily, but I am trying to wait until she is in-person and see where things go. 

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