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its so complicated. I feel like moving to a different state and forget it all.


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Posted (edited)

A bit of history. We work together. still do. I see her once a week during our shift. We have been friends for many many years. And stupidly decided to date each other right before the pandemic. i have dated or have had sexual relations with few of her friends. And she has had the same with a few people i know. However, things like that does not effect her. It does with me, because my jealous self would always hate the fact that she has had relations with people i know, although they are not around anymore. im constantly thinking to myself, how these dudes have treated her before i came along. It kills my mood every time, although i never show it. I just suck it up and deal with it. She also has a kid (will talk about this below)

So we started dating before the pandemic. During the pandemic we had a lot of time off and got to spend our first year together quite a lot and everything was fantastic. At one point, we even said how come we didnt do this sooner. PArt of the reason is because i didnt want to. I knew in hte back of my head that dating her would be a disaster because im the jealous type but i NEVER show it. But i know her past relationships with people i know will always bother me. I went against my desire and did it anyway because she was attractive and i was always attracted to her. She fell in love with me within a couple months and everything went great the first year with a few bad fights along hte way but we always managed to get back together because deep down, we LOVE each other. We really do love each other. She wanted to have my child but i was just too afraid to do it. We talked about future plans, marriage, house etc etc.

So here we are over 2 years later, we had many more fights just to get back together until the next fight. Some serious, some not so serious but they were fights nonetheless that just kept deteriorating our relationship. I guess you could say it was toxic. But this last fight couple months ago was probably the nail in the coffin. We fought while on vacation in Europe. And when we got home things kept deteriorating day by day. texting less and less, no more late night phone calls etc. I hung out with her and her kid a couple of times past couple months. 

im a very stubborn person and i have too much ego to tell her that i still want to get back together even when i know its not the best idea but despite alllll these negative thoughts that i have, I am stupidly in love with this person. 

In the past, after fights, one of us would always send the first text to reconcile. This time, i think, she's really moving on and its absolutely devastating for me. i cant stop thinking about her.

id also like to apologize for the grammatical errors. I am just too heartbroken to fix anything. I desperately need some words of wisdom from you guys to help me.

 

Edited by whyme8
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Sorry this is happening. How old is she? 

What were all the flights about? Was drinking involved?

Don't strive for another round of fighting.

What you have is a boxing match, not a relationship. Trying to beat each other into a pulp with a few rests in between.

Were you like this with others? What's up with the jealousy? And the fighting?

It seems like an abusive relationship. 

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Posted (edited)

It's not love if you're constantly warring with yourself and have issues with a person's past, present or future or can't trust them. What are all these fights about? Is it about compatibility and the long term plans for the relationship? 

You met someone you seemed to get along with and you both made a go of it but you are judgmental and unkind in your thoughts towards her. Maybe you both keep judging one another and feeling insecure and jealous about your sexual/romantic pasts with others. That's major insecurity and immaturity on both your parts if that's the case as you continue to want to see one another without being fair to each other. 

If you want peace in your life, make sure your actions meet your thoughts and they are aligned. Don't play mindgames with yourself telling yourself one thing, doing something else. I think the best way forward here is to either remove those insecurities and be more genuine as a person or cut your losses and let each other go. From the sounds of it you just have too much prejudice to think well of her so go your separate ways. You're incompatible. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? 

What were all the flights about? Was drinking involved?

Don't strive for another round of fighting.

What you have is a boxing match, not a relationship. Trying to beat each other into a pulp with a few rests in between.

Were you like this with others? What's up with the jealousy? And the fighting?

It seems like an abusive relationship. 

 

33 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's not love if you're constantly warring with yourself and have issues with a person's past, present or future or can't trust them. What are all these fights about? Is it about compatibility and the long term plans for the relationship? 

You met someone you seemed to get along with and you both made a go of it but you are judgmental and unkind in your thoughts towards her. Maybe you both keep judging one another and feeling insecure and jealous about your sexual/romantic pasts with others. That's major insecurity and immaturity on both your parts if that's the case as you continue to want to see one another without being fair to each other. 

If you want peace in your life, make sure your actions meet your thoughts and they are aligned. Don't play mindgames with yourself telling yourself one thing, doing something else. I think the best way forward here is to either remove those insecurities and be more genuine as a person or cut your losses and let each other go. From the sounds of it you just have too much prejudice to think well of her so go your separate ways. You're incompatible. 

 

We're both 41. 

Theres been so many fights i cant even pin point to anything specific. They were all different. i would type them all out here and be specific but my thoughts at this moment is just too much. I could go pages. 

i want to think i am not like this with others, but i also feel like i am. i am good person but have issues too. Boxing match sounds like a fair judgement because sometimes it does feel that way. As far as the jealousy goes, she has never did anything that would make me jealous like for instance flirting etc. She has never put me in that position. My jealousy thoughts are from her past. Its something that i have always struggled to handle. I dont know how to help myself in that regard.

i feel as though our incompatibility can be fixed with sacrifices, but to which extend ? Am i willing ? Im also dealing with a child that is not mine. Although i love the daughter (4 yrs old) to pieces. Im also insecure about how she would be when she grows up. Will be i be resented ? She also brings up he dad in front of me, and id go along with it like it doesn't bother me. But it does a little bit. But i just have to act its ok, since in reality, im not her dad, and shes only being a child. Its something i have to accept although its hard and im not sure how long i can deal with it.. Will i grow into it and it being ok in the future? i dont know.

Thank you for replying. I just need some words to help me emotionally right now. I feel like i should i let go, but its just so dang hard.

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6 minutes ago, whyme8 said:

My jealousy thoughts are from her past. Its something that i have always struggled to handle. I dont know how to help myself in that regard.

Quote

She also brings up he dad in front of me, and id go along with it like it doesn't bother me. But it does a little bit. But i just have to act its ok, since in reality, im not her dad, and shes only being a child. Its something i have to accept although its hard and im not sure how long i can deal with it..

It's better you let the dust settle and stay away. You're too insecure to be a partner or step-father to a child that's not yours. You are entitled to not wanting to date a woman with children or not taking on that burden but telling yourself that you can or would like to try when you've failed miserably in this aspect and continue to have misgivings is bordering on disillusionment and being unkind to yourself and others.

Take a breather and time out. This might have been a learning experience for you. You now know your limits and it's ok to acknowledge them. If she's moved on and doesn't want to speak to you or have anything to do with you, try accepting that also. 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's better you let the dust settle and stay away. You're too insecure to be a partner or step-father to a child that's not yours. You are entitled to not wanting to date a woman with children or not taking on that burden but telling yourself that you can or would like to try when you've failed miserably in this aspect and continue to have misgivings is bordering on disillusionment and being unkind to yourself and others.

Take a breather and time out. This might have been a learning experience for you. You now know your limits and it's ok to acknowledge them. If she's moved on and doesn't want to speak to you or have anything to do with you, try accepting that also. 

@Rose Mosse Thank you for being straight forward with me. I appreciate it. I do. I need it. 

Part of the reason why she fell in love with me is because of how i am with her daughter. I treat her like she is my own. We had so many great times together. But im not sure if i was doing it because i didnt want to lose the relationship or was it something else. Its obviously a package. Its both or none.

Part of me is willing to do it because i am deeply in love her and i dont want to lose her. On the other hand, im just very unsure of what the future holds because of how i am. I can see it being blissful, but i can also see it being completely miserable.

Im not sure if she's completely moved on. She called me the other day crying from just having a bad day. We even spent a few hours together at a park, just me and her, although we didnt talk about our breakup at all. we just kind of walked around, ate, and left with a hug. Although this time around, she doesnt seem too sad at all and have said nothing that would let me to believe that there could be another go at this. And i have too much ego to insinuate it.

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The relationship you two had doesn't sound like it was very healthy. If you two were arguing so badly you'd have to break up and get together... That's just not how a healthy relationship flows. My husband and I had some bad arguments before we got married and a few afterwards (we've only been married for a year), however, after arguments and cooling off we would always always get to a point where we could reconcile and we never had to break up in order to do that. We always hit a point where we realized the the argument wasn't worth it if we truly loved each other we would end up focusing on our love and willingness to fight for our relationship and not be each other's enemy. When your involved in an unhealthy relationship it tends to get out of hand to the point people break up and then when you get back together you jump back into things without truly solving or working on the issues and it's only a matter of time before it happens again.. like a roller coaster!

I think it's best for you to focus on moving on. I also see that you are acknowledging the fact that you have jealousy issues and that's a good start! I'd recommend really working on this within yourself before you begin dating again. Unfortunately, anyone you meet or date is bound to have a past of some sort. It's a bit unrealistic to think that you'd be the first person they were attracted to or dated. Plus, you have a past as well. I understand being a little jealous because I think that's a very human reaction but you have to learn how to deal with that within yourself in a healthy way and to work on how you perceive a person's past and respect it. 

I understand you got close with her daughter and sometimes that it one of the rougher things to deal with during a break up. I have an ex, who is also the father of my daughter (now 11), I was with him for a little over 2 years and I was really close with his older daughters. Since I had a child with him and those girls were my daughter's sisters I chose to be involved in their lives even after we broke up. I'd see them at least once a month on weekends and such. I did have to reach a point when they got older to set my own boundaries so that I wouldn't be going over and beyond my own mental capacity for children that weren't mine. I did this for other bigger reasons that involve a lot of drama and such. In your case, you two were never married and don't have kids together and as hard as it is I'd probably recommend cutting those ties with the daughter. She has a father and she is young and if her mom eventually moves on and dates someone else that relationship will likely change and be too complicated.

If it's possible to change jobs I'd make it a goal. If not, just work really hard on yourself and find new people to associate with even if it's outside of work. Take up some new hobbies. Maybe get some counseling to talk about things and work on your goals for yourself. Concentrate on what you can do to better yourself and gain more confidence! You got this!

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8 minutes ago, whyme8 said:

@Rose Mosse Thank you for being straight forward with me. I appreciate it. I do. I need it. 

Part of the reason why she fell in love with me is because of how i am with her daughter. I treat her like she is my own. We had so many great times together. But im not sure if i was doing it because i didnt want to lose the relationship or was it something else. Its obviously a package. Its both or none.

Part of me is willing to do it because i am deeply in love her and i dont want to lose her. On the other hand, im just very unsure of what the future holds because of how i am. I can see it being blissful, but i can also see it being completely miserable.

Im not sure if she's completely moved on. She called me the other day crying from just having a bad day. We even spent a few hours together at a park, just me and her, although we didnt talk about our breakup at all. we just kind of walked around, ate, and left with a hug. Although this time around, she doesnt seem too sad at all and have said nothing that would let me to believe that there could be another go at this. And i have too much ego to insinuate it.

Do you know where your misgivings about her past are coming from? 

Do you trust her judgment or her actions? You are emotionally attached to her so admitting when you don't trust someone's better judgment is difficult. She may not be the woman for you because she's just not someone you feel totally comfortable around. 

I'd avoid continuing to meet up when you haven't sorted your feelings and are attached to her. Was there an actual break up? It didn't sound like it in the first post.

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Posted (edited)

@Rose MosseI feel like youre a real life therapist lol. 

My misgivings about her past are coming from me just being a man. I know off no man that is ok with knowing about their partners past without having some kind of jealousy issue internally esp if we know who those partners are. "Ideally" we dont want to date someone that has already been wiht people you know. I saw this issue coming even before we started dating and that was part of the reason why i held off on dating her for so many years. We both knew we liked each other way before we started dating. I was holding off the best i could because i know myself. I saw this coming from a mile away. But things happen and i fell in love. 

I think you are absolutely right in that i am emotionally attached to her, although i dont really understand what that really means ? i really dont.

I am very comfortable around her. i can be myself. And so can she.. Unless you mean "comfortable" in a different context ?

There was not an "actual" break up. It might sound ridiculous, but we have broken up no less than 5 times over the past 2 years that we just know how it works. But we both knew, when the text messages through out the day stopped, and the no nightly phone calls stopped. And went no contact for a couple weeks. This is couple months ago.

Edited by whyme8
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22 minutes ago, whyme8 said:

@Rose MosseI feel like youre a real life therapist lol. 

My misgivings about her past are coming from me just being a man. I know off no man that is ok with knowing about their partners past without having some kind of jealousy issue internally esp if we know who those partners are. "Ideally" we dont want to date someone that has already been wiht people you know. I saw this issue coming even before we started dating and that was part of the reason why i held off on dating her for so many years. We both knew we liked each other way before we started dating. I was holding off the best i could because i know myself. I saw this coming from a mile away. But things happen and i fell in love. 

I think you are absolutely right in that i am emotionally attached to her, although i dont really understand what that really means ? i really dont.

I am very comfortable around her. i can be myself. And so can she.. Unless you mean "comfortable" in a different context ?

There was not an "actual" break up. It might sound ridiculous, but we have broken up no less than 5 times over the past 2 years that we just know how it works. But we both knew, when the text messages through out the day stopped, and the no nightly phone calls stopped. And went no contact for a couple weeks. This is couple months ago.

What I meant by being emotionally attached is that it may be hard to think objectively about what's happening or why you feel uneasy around her. I'm not a therapist. Please be careful with online forums as well as many are laypeople giving advice or sharing in different issues with one another. 

On/off relationships are frought with chaos and pain because it's unstable. Try to lead yourself away from this dynamic if you feel you are always drawn to them. You cannot change someone else but you can make decisions that are better for your mental/overall wellbeing. 

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