It's been 9 months and I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to get better...

[Cynder]

It was 9 months ago today that the woman I was going to marry left me.  It was a brutal ending, too.  I mean, Monday night we were talking about wedding plans.  And Wednesday she moved out while I was at work.  There was no warning.  She didn't give me any explanation.  And she blocked me everywhere.  She also made herself into the victim with all our mutual friends.  And I lost a lot of close friends because of her.  She is a trans woman, and she's got half my town thinking I hate trans people, which isn't true at all.  She was out and living as a woman when I met her and started dating her.  Obviously if I had an issue with trans people I wouldn't have started a relationship with one. 

And four days after she left I lost my job, that I had been at 11 years and that paid really well.  I lost it because of Covid related stuff.  It wasn't anything I did wrong.  I also found a lump that was suspicious... so basically I was dealing with a cancer scare, and I had just lost my medical insurance.  And two weeks after she left, on top of all this my cat died.  I texted my ex to tell her the cat died because she was attached to my cat, too.  Her response was to tell me what a disappointment and a POS I am. 

In the past 9 months I've done everything I can to get through this.  In September I checked myself into a hotel with a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of sleeping pills and my plan was to kill myself.  Instead I ended up getting trashed and binge watching RIck and Morty all night.  That was the last time I was drunk. 

My ex is an alcoholic in denial.  I don't think she was when we first got together.  Or if she was she hid it really well.  I started going to Al-Anon meetings since then.  I also work in a health club now and so I work out all the time.  I started eating better, also.  One of my co workers is a nutritionist and he has been helping me.  I also started taking aerial Yoga classes.  And I've been de-cluttering my house. 

I'm in regular therapy, too.  Which is costing me thousands of dollars because I still don't have insurance. 

But, despite all this, I feel like things aren't getting any better.  My life is still so depressing.  I'm not suicidal anymore.  But is that really a step up?  Like ok, I don't want to kill myself.  But that doesn't mean I'm happy. 

I'm a professional artist.  And when we were still together I was completing at least one painting a week.  And my work was selling really well, etc.  Since she left I've done  5 paintings.  And two of them I won't ever release of show anywhere because they are too dark and too personal.  I have no desire to put a nude painting of myself covered in blood on display anywhere, just to give an idea of what I mean. 

My work doesn't come from suffering.  My work comes from joy.  People seem to have this idea that artists need to suffer for their work.  That isn't true.  That stereotype exists because of Van Gogh.  He was a depressed alcoholic who lived a miserable life.  So people seem to think all artists need to be miserable.  I'm so sick of hearing, "Well all this will be great inspiration!"  Suffering doesn't inspire me.  Da Vinci wasn't depressed.  Michelangelo wasn't depressed.  Most artists are happy people. 

I'm a festival vendor.  Festival season is starting up.  This is normally the most exciting time of the year for me.  I just can't get excited.  One of the biggest festivals I've ever done is in two weeks.  I've barely even done anything to prep for it.  I have plenty of older paintings.  But I really hoped I could take some new work with me.   I just can't create anything anymore.  

I have written a lot since she left.  She inspired this one short story... and then I just kept expanding more and more on it and it is now a novel in progress.  But writing isn't how I've made a career for myself on the festival circuit.  If I don't get my creative groove back soon my business is going to fail. 

My ex is miserable too.  But that doesn't make me feel any better.  Every 8 weeks or so she shows up and wants to talk.  Then when I get comfortable enough with her to start actually talking, she gets pissed, throws one of her fits and disappears on me again.  Before everyone just tells me to block her, I will when I'm ready.  Right now I'm just not ready to block her.  And even if I did... she has 6 Facebook accounts that I know of (which means there are probably a few that I don't know about.)  She knows where I live.  She knows where I work.  We have mutual friends.  She has two phone numbers and I only know one of them.  So blocking her number and blocking her on Facebook would be futile anyway.  If she wants to contact me, she's going to contact me.  She's an alcoholic.  Her whole life consists of getting trashed and then functioning with a hangover.  And I actually wonder if she's starting to develop alcohol related dementia/wet brain syndrome.  She's going to drink herself to death if she doesn't slow down.  She's 44 years old.  At times she acts like a 14 year old.  She had a good job when we were together which she lost and now she makes minimum wage at a gas station... and all that does is make alcohol more accessible to her.  And last time we talked she was being kicked out of her house and on the verge of homelessness.  So now she probably is homeless or couch surfing. 

I had a near death experience on August 12 2016.  I basically see that day as the day that changed my life.  I died and came back a different person.  The anniversary of that day has always been a big deal for me.  The day my ex left was the day before that day.  And she knew that day was a big deal for me.  It's like she had to leave right before a day that was a celebration for me just to rub some extra salt in the wound. 

So... doing all these things to take better care of myself and heal isn't healing anything.  I thought after 9 months I would be a lot further along in the grief process. 

Not having the drive/ambition to paint is the thing that is getting to me the most right now.  And just that I've done all these things to improve my situation and don't feel any better.  Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?  Sorry this was such a long post. 

Edited May 11 by Cynder

[wealthydior]

I’m really sorry you went through such a hard time. Losing your job, the woman you love leaving you, the death of your cat all come together. The only thing I can say about this subject is that 9 months is not that long, so I think you should give yourself more time.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think part of the reason it's taking longer is because you remained in contact with her.  That often slows moving on/healing.  I hope things improve soon.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think part of the reason it's taking longer is because you remained in contact with her.  That often slows moving on/healing.  I hope things improve soon.

Well yes and no.  I haven't been in contact with her most of the 9 months.  She left in August.  We talked for a short time in December.  Then again in February.  Then again in April.  She reaches out about every two months.  And she always wants to talk.  She always feels terrible.  She always tells me what a wonderful person I am and that she still loves me, etc.  And I still love her, too, so it's hard to just tell her to get lost.  But then as soon as I start talking about things... she disappears again.  And she knows she's doing this because last time we talked she was like, "I swear I won't disappear this time like I always do.  This time I really want to work on things."  And then three days later she blocked me.  She has more issues than I do but I'm the one doing all the work on myself.  I feel like the work I'm doing isn't helping and she isn't even bothering doing any work.  She just drinks herself into lala land every day. 

[junebug123]

You sound like a gambling addict, addicted to the highs and lows of this toxic relationship. In your mind, not going through constant mood swings seems terrible because you get off on that.

Theres more to life then holding on to past relationships and old feelings. Your never going to see the future if your head is always turned back. This whole post reads like a savior complex, like helping your ex gives you meaning. When you get past this, and start focusing on your self, maybe then these co-dependent feelings will start to diminish.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think part of the reason it's taking longer is because you remained in contact with her. 

This. 

You have to cut her off Cynder. And yes, that means blocking her. You're prolonging your own misery by continuing to respond to her when she gets in touch, and continuing to even allow her to contact you at all.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This. 

You have to cut her off Cynder. And yes, that means blocking her. You're prolonging your own misery by continuing to respond to her when she gets in touch, and continuing to even allow her to contact you at all.

I see why people tell me this.  But I haven't for two reasons.  Biggest reason is its pointless.  She has so many Facebook accounts.  I don't know all of the names she uses on there.  She also has two phones.  I only know the number for one.  She knows where I live and knows where I work.  Plus we have mutual friends.  I just feel like if I block her nothing will happen other than her telling anyone she can think of that I blocked her and how immature I am.  I know this seems far fetched but she convinced a lot of my friends (some I've known for 20ish years) that I hate trans people.  She is good at playing the victim.

I know people will think I'm making excuses.  But I just don't think anything good will come from blocking her.  She can still contact me.  And then she will just have another excuse to badmouth me.   

But I do understand that talking to her isn't helping.  And it is hard now since she is having all these memory issues.  Last time we talked she would message me aayi g the same things two nights in a row and not even remember our conversation from the night before.  To me that means she's either blackout drunk a lot or she is having some brain issues due to all the drinking.  

I typed this on my phone.  Sorry if it's sloppy.

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, Cynder said:

She reaches out about every two months.  And she always wants to talk.  She always feels terrible.  She always tells me what a wonderful person I am and that she still loves me, etc.  And I still love her, too, so it's hard to just tell her to get lost

That's the thing.

How can you move on when you have such words thrown at you every now and then? They will stay in the back of your mind. Possibly because you like the attention and you're a people pleaser in some way. So it's nice to hear she loves you.

If you can't tell her "Stop talking to me. I don't need this anymore in my life!" And put her behind that line in the sand, she'll keep crossing it with your permission.

6 hours ago, Cynder said:

.  She just drinks herself into lala land every day

How do you even know this? See? It shouldn't be your business anymore.

Be honest with yourself here and assess why you are still attached. But I think, it's okay at 9 months to still feel something. The thing is, you shouldn't stay in contact.

Do you still live in the same place you two were living in? Maybe a change of apartment will help? Have you read about codependency and trauma bonding? You could benefit from exploring these.

[Cynder]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's the thing.

How can you move on when you have such words thrown at you every now and then? They will stay in the back of your mind. Possibly because you like the attention and you're a people pleaser in some way. So it's nice to hear she loves you.

If you can't tell her "Stop talking to me. I don't need this anymore in my life!" And put her behind that line in the sand, she'll keep crossing it with your permission.

How do you even know this? See? It shouldn't be your business anymore.

Be honest with yourself here and assess why you are still attached. But I think, it's okay at 9 months to still feel something. The thing is, you shouldn't stay in contact.

Do you still live in the same place you two were living in? Maybe a change of apartment will help? Have you read about codependency and trauma bonding? You could benefit from exploring these.

I know about her drinking because the last time I talked to her in April I could tell she was just getting more and more drunk every time we talked.  And she also wouldn't remember things that happened the night before.  And it was the same way when we talked in February.  It's pretty reasonable to assume nothing has changed.  Last I knew she had no plans of getting sober.  

I still live in the same house.  But I also own it.  I'm not selling my house.  

On my phone.  Sorry if there are typos in this house.  

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Biggest reason is its pointless.  She has so many Facebook accounts.  I don't know all of the names she uses on there

So don't accept Friend requests from names you don't recognze. Adjust your privacy settings so random accounts who aren't on your Friends list cannot contact you through FB. Easy. 

32 minutes ago, Cynder said:

She also has two phones.  I only know the number for one.  She knows where I live and knows where I work. 

So block that one.  

You make a lot of excuses, Cynder. You could limit her access to you if you really wanted to. 

 

[Cynder]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So don't accept Friend requests from names you don't recognze. Adjust your privacy settings so random accounts who aren't on your Friends list cannot contact you through FB. Easy. 

So block that one.  

You make a lot of excuses, Cynder. You could limit her access to you if you really wanted to. 

 

Yup... knowing she can and will still contact me so it's pointless to block her is just an excuse.  It's not basic common sense or anything.  Lol

This thread is just going to devolve into being told over and over again to block her.  Should have seen that coming I guess.  But now I also have a savior complex too.  Wonder what else I will be diagnosed with.   Maybe I should make a diagnosis bingo card.  Lol

In the last two months I pretty much stopped using Facebook on my main account.  But I bet thats just an excuse too right?

I haven't even logged into Twitter In 5 years or so.  And I dont even know if she has an account there.  I'm not going to go on there and search her out just to block her.  Is that an excuse too?  

She is on Twitch.  (And before everyone asks how i know, she used it when we were together.) I don't have an account on Twitch but should I go and make one just to block her?  Lol

It's crazy that so much weight and judgment is put on people just from how they handle things on social media.  Wow you didn't block your ex on Facebook??? Codependant!  What about when there was no Facebook?  It just seems like such a trivial thing that people put way too much into.  

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[DarkCh0c0]

26 minutes ago, Cynder said:

still live in the same house.  But I also own it.  I'm not selling my house

Well good. How about a renovation to switch things up? To help you forget about her presence in the apartment? Like, change the organisation of furniture, change some pillows, buy a plant, ect.

18 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Wow you didn't block them on Facebook??? Codependant!

We're just trying to help you Cynder here. We're brainstorming to see how we can help you out of that rut.

Otherwise, just say this is a rant and you don't want suggestions. We respect that too.

[Cynder]

19 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Well good. How about a renovation to switch things up? To help you forget about her presence in the apartment? Like, change the organisation of furniture, change some pillows, buy a plant, ect.

We're just trying to help you Cynder here. We're brainstorming to see how we can help you out of that rut.

Otherwise, just say this is a rant and you don't want suggestions. We respect that too.

I've actually done a lot of those things in my house.  My nephew sleeps in her old room when he's here.  I rearranged my living room and bought a cover for my couch, etc.  She left a lot of her stuff here which is mostly gone now.  I have done a lot of decluttering and trying to make the house look better.  Most of the things I really want to do take money that I don't have right now.  

I'm fine with suggestions.  But I also don't have to sit back and take it when I'm being told I have a savior complex and that I need to be in constant moodswings and that I'm codependent because I didn't block her on Facebook when it wouldn't stop her from contacting me and would only give her a reason to talk crap.  That's a lot of weight and judgment to put on someone just based on one thing they didn't do. 

Rearrange and organize your house is a suggestion.   You have a savior complex isn't a suggestion.  You're codependent isnt a suggestion.  Let's leave the diagnosing to professionals.  Never ever in my life have I been so arrogant that I thought I could just diagnose someone with something based on one internet post.  I guess I'm just weird.  Lol. I also take the time to actually read posts before replying.  Not saying you didn't but it's pretty obvious some other people didn't.  

 

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[Jibralta]

I've never been one for blocking. But I've also never been vulnerable to this degree of manipulation. 

I think I understand your resistance to blocking her, though. For example (this is probably going to sound way out there, but stay with me for a minute): Over the last month or so I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts about home organization and time management. It's something that I'd like to improve in myself.

A lot of the material I've been absorbing is being dispensed by people who are selling products and systems to organize and manage time. In their talks they constantly reference and promote their merchandise. It's very, very tempting to buy something. But I know that there's no external solution to an internal problem.

Sure, I can buy a planner. But buying the planner is not going to make me USE the planner. Why? What's my problem? What do I need? I'm still trying to figure that out. I suspect I lack clear priorities and a sense of commitment in this area of life....I'm not sure, though. So, until I figure that out, I continue to walk the line and contemplate my desire to capitulate into buying one of these products or systems. 

Back to your problem: I get the sense that you're trying to understand what's happened here. You can't do that if you block it out. You have to walk the line to really study the problem.

Just my $0.02.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I've never been one for blocking. But I've also never been vulnerable to this degree of manipulation. 

I think I understand your resistance to blocking her, though. For example (this is probably going to sound way out there, but stay with me for a minute): Over the last month or so I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts about home organization and time management. It's something that I'd like to improve in myself.

A lot of the material I've been absorbing is being dispensed by people who are selling products and systems to organize and manage time. In their talks they constantly reference and promote their merchandise. It's very, very tempting to buy something. But I know that there's no external solution to an internal problem.

Sure, I can buy a planner. But buying the planner is not going to make me USE the planner. Why? What's my problem? What do I need? I'm still trying to figure that out. I suspect I lack clear priorities and a sense of commitment in this area of life....I'm not sure, though. So, until I figure that out, I continue to walk the line and contemplate my desire to capitulate into buying one of these products or systems. 

Back to your problem: I get the sense that you're trying to understand what's happened here. You can't do that if you block it out. You have to walk the line to really study the problem.

Just my $0.02.

Me either.  And I'm a victim of stalking.  I really am, too.  I know a lot of people use that term casually...  Oh this guy who likes me came to see me the other night at work.  I'm being stalked!  No, I was really stalked.  To the point where multiple police departments were involved.  No contact orders were filed, etc.  I blocked him everywhere and he still found ways to contact me, even after a no contact order was filed.  So it doesn't even work.  If someone wants to get in touch with you, they will.  Someone said just don't except friend requests from people I don't know.  Ok...?  You don't have to be someone's friend on Facebook to message them.  And I'm a business owner. A lot of my clients are people I don't know who contact me through Facebook Messenger. 

I currently use a dummy account for most of the time I am on there.  I use it to follow groups and artists.  And she is blocked on that account.  She doesn't even know that account exists, though.  Blocking her there was more just so I wouldn't have the urge to go look at her profile. 

I don't answer calls from numbers I don't recognize, either.  And in my experience blocking phone numbers doesn't work anyway.  I've tried to do it in the past with other people and they could still call me.  I even downloaded an app specifically for that.  Somehow the calls still came through. 

It just seems like a futile thing that isn't going to benefit anyone but her.  She can still contact me.  And then I've just given her something to gossip about. 

I think you are on to something though about wanting to understand this situation.  Every time she comes around we do clear a little more air.  And every time she comes around she just shows me how toxic she is.  Every time it gets easier.  I feel like if i hadn't heard from her at all in the last 9 months I would be even more confused and probably still romanticizing her. 

I know people will read this and say I'm making excuses.  There is a difference between a reason and an excuse.  I have my reasons for not blocking her.  And to me they are good reasons. 

On a side note... learning to re-manage my time has been interesting since I started the graveyard shift.  I get a lot more done, though. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I know people will read this and say I'm making excuses.  There is a difference between a reason and an excuse.  I have my reasons for not blocking her.  And to me they are good reasons.

Yes so if they are good reasons in your opinion then consider why you're complaining about not being able to get over her after 9 months? Seems to me that you're making a choice that your good reasons are worth the downside of slowing or stopping completely being able to move on and as you express in your OP, struggling and suffering because of it. 

So every time you wonder if it's ever going to get better remind yourself that it is at least partly because you have good reasons to allow her to be in contact with you and good reasons for your choices over the past months to interact with her - that you are choosing to get in your own way of it not getting better.  Do this every time and hopefully your mindset and perspective will shift because if these are good reasons then you are obviously doing what you think is best even though sometimes what is best has downsides, right?

Edited May 12 by Batya33

[Cynder]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so if they are good reasons in your opinion then consider why you're complaining about not being able to get over her after 9 months? Seems to me that you're making a choice that your good reasons are worth the downside of slowing or stopping completely being able to move on and as you express in your OP, struggling and suffering because of it.  

Yup... because all the other effort I've made doesn't count because I didn't click something on Facebook.  I have used my main Facebook account maybe 5 times in the last two months.  You would think just taking myself off there would count for something but it doesn't I guess.  And who cares that I actually did block her on the dummy account I use to follow some groups and artists.  All that matters is that I didn't block her on my main account (that I hardly ever use.)  That's it.  Hands down, right? 

So since I didn't do that one thing, I deserve what I'm going through then?  Is that correct? 

So much of this post was devoted to losing my creativity and how I'm afraid this will hurt my business.  But so many people want to fixate on Facebook.  Smh.  What did people do before Facebook existed?  Were you expected to just never go out in public because you might run into your ex?  Were you expected to move, change your number, change your name and basically live like you are in witness protection?  And well if you didn't do all that then you must just want to be miserable then. 

Like I said before... it really amazes me the amount of judgement people get for their actions on Facebook.  Facebook doesn't define my life.  I prefer to live in the real world. 

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

You sound like a gambling addict, addicted to the highs and lows of this toxic relationship. In your mind, not going through constant mood swings seems terrible because you get off on that.

Theres more to life then holding on to past relationships and old feelings. Your never going to see the future if your head is always turned back. This whole post reads like a savior complex, like helping your ex gives you meaning. When you get past this, and start focusing on your self, maybe then these co-dependent feelings will start to diminish.

Pro tip:  Try reading the post before replying.  It makes a huge difference. 

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[Batya33]

Please don't put words in my mouth.  I stand by what I wrote and only what I wrote. Nothing to do with "deserve". And nothing to do with the lengths to which you (mis)interpreted what I wrote.  I can relate to feeling defensive when it is pointed out that a choice results in getting in ones own way and that certain choices involve taking a risk/benefit analysis and certain choices mean there are then limits to how much a person can complain about the results that are at least partly from their own choices.  You're entitled to complain all you want and rant all you want and entitled to ignore your role if any in the consequences.  You indicated you had "good reasons" for your choices.  To me that means you did a risk/benefit analysis and your good reasons won out.

You are choosing to express those defensive feelings by criticizing and judging what I wrote.  Whatever works.  I am choosing to stand by what I wrote and not allow how you choose to judge me change my opinion. That is what makes sense and works for me.  

Edited May 12 by Batya33

[Cynder]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't put words in my mouth.  I stand by what I wrote and only what I wrote. Nothing to do with "deserve". And nothing to do with the lengths to which you (mis)interpreted what I wrote.  I can relate to feeling defensive when it is pointed out that a choice results in getting in ones own way.  You are choosing to express those feelings by criticizing and judging what I wrote.  I am choosing to stand by what I wrote and not allow how you choose to judge me change my opinion.  

I'm standing by what I wrote too.  Were people expected to go into hiding and change everything about their identity when going through a breakup before Facebook existed?  I just think you're putting a lot of weight on one thing I didn't do that involves a Facebook account I hardly ever use.  She is blocked on the account I use 95% of the time but you just seem to be glossing over that because it doesn't fit your narrative. 

Edited May 12 by Cynder

[MissCanuck]

With respect….You complain about not moving on, but you also stand in your own way a lot. 

 

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

With respect….You complain about not moving on, but you also stand in your own way a lot. 

 

Sure. lol

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to change your social media or décor, however seeing a physician for a checkup may help. See what's up with your health, get some bloodwork done. Too often people walk around with anemia, endocrine and other issues thinking they are just "fatigued". As far as the ex, well it was too intense so there's a void.

[Cynder]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't need to change your social media or décor, however seeing a physician for a checkup may help. See what's up with your health, get some bloodwork done. Too often people walk around with anemia, endocrine and other issues thinking they are just "fatigued". As far as the ex, well it was too intense so there's a void.

I am finally eligible for medical insurance again aftet 9 months without it.  So once my insurance is taken care of through work I plan on doing that.  I'm pretty sure working nights was causing my vitamin D level to drop.  I'm not a doctor, but I was starting to feel so exhausted all the time.   I read a few places that people who work overnight should take vitamin D.  It has helped.  People who work nights tend to gain weight too.  I've been keeping up with working out and eating better.  Ive been anemic in the past.  I couldn't give blood for a long time because of it.  

Anyway, thank you.  Sorry for rambling but you make an excellent point.  Physical health can impact mental health.  

[Lambert]

While I agree, if you get away from this person long term, it will help. I want to add, I was very heartbroken a few years ago.  We didn't have all the drama in our break up. He just dumped me, but I loved him.  

It took a long time to stop thinking of him everyday. It sounds so sad but it was at least 18 months maybe 2 years!  I really was tired of it all.  I wanted to feel better.  I wanted to move on. I had no contact with the guy.  My life was completely separate... but somehow I thought of him all the time.  

I thought I would never stop.  I had stopped talking about him to anyone. I knew it was a long time. No one in my life knew I had this mental dialog that I could not stop. it wasn't holding me back in anyway.  I was fully engaged in my life.  I was my normal self... I had all my emotions at the right,  appropriate levels. I was dating. I just always thought of this guy and missed him.  

I beat myself up about it a lot. that was the bad thing.  I didn't know what to do.  Like you, I got my health together.  Started exercising more, reading more, working more, trying harder MORE. 

It wasn't until I started just accepting I couldn't DO anymore. This was it. I exhausted everything and so what I am just going to think of this ass that dumped me forever and its pathetic.... but it's me.  He started fading into the background and now I don't think of him (hardly) at all.  And when I do, I don't care about him.  It's a passing thought. 

I started just saying to myself, I don't know why or what it's gonna take but I'm going get through this..... over and over. 

I don't know if this will help you but my point is, I think in some respects it always takes longer than we like. 9 months seems like a long time,to you, right now but you were in love with her.  You were planning to spend your life with her. It's hard to get over.  Be kind to yourself.  You're doing your best. keep going. Things will change.  They will.  

They did for me and I am not really sure when they did,  that's how long it took! 🙂 but it's ok. there is no pressure.  Everyday it's your life and your choice on how you handle it.  Choose compassion for yourself and for how far you've come. Have patience and don't forget to breath.  Try to find something you enjoy and focus on that. 

It's going to get better.  Keep posting and venting...