another opinion

[rubberducky86]

I posted once before and didn't get quite the feedback I wanted. I like an older man. I am 19 and he just turned 40 today. He is single, never married, and no kids. I work with him and I have for over a year and a half. I liked him since like the second week I knew him! I am shy though and I have social anxiety, so it took a little while for me to open up, but he was the first I opened up too. I used to get picked up from work (because I didn't get my license until last September.) and alot of the time my mom or step dad would be late. So I would remain in the building talking to him for a half an hour to an hour after work. Right than I don't think he was interested in me because of the age, but he surely showed a slight attraction. When I first got my car I drove home right away from work like everyone else, but one night (not too long after I got my car) I just stayed late, just to talk again like we used to. And at first I used to stay for only a little while, now it's like two hours or until he leaves! Our conversations have changed drastically since when I first started, as they should, but we flirt now...alot. We also occasionally have tickle fights. (Which I know is not something he does with anyone else.) It makes me so happy to see him happy. Personally don't mind the age difference all that much, but I don't think it will make for a long lasting relationship. (but who knows) He knows that I like him, and I'm pretty sure he likes me (sometimes it's hard to tell when he's joking, but I'm one of the only people I know of that he's been serious to) When I stay after sometimes I ask if I'm bugging him and he says no and I say if I ever do just tell me to go home, it's ok. He said that he would if it ever came down to it, and he has never said it. I have tried desperately to get him to make the first move so something can happen between us, but he hasn't. He tells me things that makes me know his interested and tell me he knows I'm interested but still nothing has happened. My biggest problem is that I don't see him outside of work, but he works all the time. I have seen him twice now though (outside of work) once was tonite. He was fishing, I brought him a b-day card and stayed for an extra hour or so just to watch him fish and talk. He commented on something and I said I could go home if he wanted me to but he said he didn't mind me being there and wanted me to stay, so I did. But nothing happened, we said goodbye see ya tomorrow and went our separate ways.

 

Now my question is... I'm shy, I have been told I should make the first move, and I always end up chickening out and I hate myself the next day for not doing whatever it was I was going to do. How or what should I do? I have also been told that I should wait for him to make the first move, but knowing him as long as I'm working with him he will not risk it for either of us. Honestly I wouldn't mind even just being friends with him, but I just want to know what's going on one way or another, it has been killing my emotions for almost two years, and recently because things have been looking slightly more forward I haven't been able to eat or sleep! Please help me!

Thank you. (and if you have any more questions feel free to ask)

[Celadon]

It sounds like you guys should have a talk. It might be difficult to have, but you're not getting anywhere this way. Find out what he really thinks.

 

It could be that he hopes to start a relationship with you, but wouldn't do it unless you two were working at separate companies. (But you know, he would probably not want to pressure you to quit.) Or it could be that he'd like to be friends, but doesn't want to be misinterpreted or to mislead you, so he's not suggesting hanging out.

 

Personally, I'd talk to him, and then if he's interested, expect him to make the first move.

 

About the age gap, if you do want to have a longer term relationship with him, you'll have to think about what things would be like down the road. When you're hitting 30, he'll be 50. Will you be okay with that, if he starts "slowing down" physically? Just something to think about. Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

Personally I think that's too big of an age gap to pursue a serious relationship. First of all, there has to be something wrong with any man his age who would pursue a relationship with someone your age. If he's as nice as you think he is, he'll reject you if you make advances towards him. Being attracted is one thing, but starting a relationship is another.

 

I think the life experiences are too different for you to be compatible. You're both at completely different stages in your life.

[socalguy123]

you already recognize that there isn't too much long-term potential, if you were to strike a relationship with that guy. what more do you want? if you want to have sex with him--prepare yourself (Sorry to be so blunt.) i mean, it's healthy to want to vent all that sexual energy and frustration. 20 + 40 is a big gap, but if you're an adult about it, maybe it can be pulled off. don't worry about his feelings, he's a big boy.

 

 

regarding the first move--i honestly think it's yours to make. maybe he doesn't want to make the first move, then feel guilty or be made to feel guitly of "seducing" you. if you make the move, what's he going to do? claim sexual harassment? not on your life he won't... if you make the move, it allows you to be in control, to really decide if this is what you want, instead of him persuading you with a lot of body action, etc....

 

what it all comes down to, is understanding your needs, wants, and the costs of attaining them. then deciding what you can handle, thene xecuting.

good luck, either way!

[imagi]

I agree about having to make the first move. If he's that much older than you and he actually likes you he's probably afraid of offending you and being looked down on and what not. You might need to be the one to put yourself out on the line and be like "hey I like you." Otherwise, you might never find out.

 

And yes, it is quite the big age gap, but you're being mature and understanding that this probably won't last forever. There isn't any problem in having a fun relationship every now and then that you know won't work out.. just.. be careful about it and what not.

[rubberducky86]

Thank you guys for your advice. I appreciate it. I haven't said anything really to him yet. I still have no guts. I went fishing with him twice now and that's a plus for me. I like just being with him, I like just talking with him. I don't mind if that is all that our relationship ends up to be. But I just want to make him as happy as I am when I'm around him. And I think I already do. Sex isn't exactly necessary, but I certainly wouldn't mind. Now if I can just get up the courage to actually say something to him, it's taken me a long time already to get to where I am.