Jump to content

Divorce at 59


Recommended Posts

Hello All,

I am 59 and am considering a divorce with my wife of 26 years.   We have 2 kids, both adults now and moved out.   My wife and I have found ourselves without a lot of common interests and are more or less passing ships in the households.  We both feel locked down living with each other but are also a bit risk-adverse to making change.

My concern is that the practical widow for separating is quickly closing and that the hopeless future will ultimately effect our physical and emotional health.

Does anybody have any recommendations on books or other materials that outline the issues?  Especially the emotional ones...

Thanks,

M

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, 100meterfly said:

I am 59 and am considering a divorce with my wife of 26 years. 

Contact an attorney to discuss your situation, particularly division of assets, retirement accounts, etc. Does your wife want a divorce? 

 Your situation is quite common in empty nesters. Research books on "Grey Divorce".

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am a firm believer that even if it looks bleak, you need to do everything you both can do to work towards getting things back on track before even considering separating.

The fact that you are asking for books and online material to read suggests that you haven't.  Working on a complacent marriage isn't sexy, but it's a very worthwhile investment to do it.  At the very least you won't look back without any regrets.

Marriage counseling.  Have you two tried dating each other?  Plan fun things to do.  Start a new sport, kayaking, golf.  Take vacations alone.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whatever you both choose is your decision so make sure it comes from a place where you both feel certain you've exhausted your other options. If you have children you're not only thinking about yourselves but the rest of your family. 

I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't read books to decide whether I was ready to divorce. I looked at the person I was with and whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking the same risks on the same person and whether it would bring me happiness. The answers were glaringly obvious. I would consider it a non-option whether to divorce. There was no other option for me. 

You may also consider private counselling to get to the bottom of why you feel so lacklustre and uninterested in your marriage. It may be your own personal issues and hang ups getting in the way of a healthy marriage.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, 100meterfly said:

My wife and I have found ourselves without a lot of common interests and are more or less passing ships in the households.  We both feel locked down living with each other

Yes, that is called marriage.

Thank you, thank you, my Netflix comedy special is next month. 😆

Serious talk now, I always found it quite silly when people want to split up in older days. You lived with somebody you chose(unlike family, we choose our partners) for 26 years and raised 2 kids together. So after "surviving" all that time together and managing to pull through, you separate in old age. I guess it makes sense from certain psychological point, for example lots of people lose passion and intimacy through years and that longevity is all you have left. Adding the fact that the kids were one common denominator and now with them gone you dont even have that, it makes certain sense. Just always found it silly that people do it after all those years together.

Anyway, its a complicated process. With splitting up assets and everything you both worked on over the years. No custody battle or child support, but still a hard one. So, make sure you both want that in old age first. After that, everybody goes separate ways. So than you would be on your own. Which is pretty bad for old days. But you would have your freedom. So assess in what scenario would you be happier because both staying and going has advantages and disadvantages. If you think you would be happier with going, then do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I know a couple that went through this.  I actually carpooled with the husband for several years and we had plenty of windshield time to talk.  

Married for over 30 years and their interests were greatly divided as well as their connection.  The wife initiated the painful separation for reasons she couldn't really articulate, other than complacency and differences.  As to be expected, he was in a great deal of grief and when it affected his work performance of his 30 yr career, he was terminated.  It pretty much broke him.

House was sold, they both moved and to this day they stay in constant contact.  They meet weekly to play pickle ball, they have family dinners with their kids and their families every Sunday.  Spend holidays together.  In so many ways, other than logistics they are still a couple.  Maybe more friend like than anything.  Does it work for them?  Not necessarily.  I think in hindsight it was a lot of unnecessary pain and grief to ultimately end up where they were to begin with.  Great friends, supportive family but the only difference is divided funds and different addresses.  Why not just stay together?  It's not like either of them want to date and create a new life with a different partner.  Because it was never about that.

Edited by reinventmyself
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Regardless, OP, you don't need to justify your reasons to anyone. This is a private decision based on your personal issues in your marriage or as individuals.

If you feel it's the correct decision to move your separate ways, speak with a lawyer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, 100meterfly said:

Does anybody have any recommendations on books or other materials that outline the issues?  Especially the emotional ones...

I don't exactly understand what you're asking here. So since you're both stalling, I will just make a recommendation of pulling out all the stops to see if an emotional connection can be reestablished, and if not, you know you gave it your all before throwing in the towel.

I would read books and articles on how to get a spark back. Give each other massages, even if you don't want to be intimate at this point. Try a new hobby together like passionate tango lessons. If you won't go for that, try painting or pottery. Supposedly doing something that makes the heart race is bonding for couples, like zip lining, and riding a roller coaster.

If you get to a point where you want to be intimate, go to a couples store to pick out new things for the bedroom. Read books on couples' communication. Write a letter on what you appreciate about her. Send her a text, telling her you miss her while you are at work.

Changing your own behavior is the best way to change another's.

If your combined efforts fail to bring back that loving feeling, start taking steps that will lead to separating your lives. Make a list of easiest to hardest and start with the easiest task. With each task you cross off as accomplished, you will be getting closer to your goal of a new life.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...