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How long does honeymoon phase last for?


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Posted (edited)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to get some people's advice on long-term serious dating. I am dating my bf and have been for the past 7 months now. 

So I have no major issues generally with my bf, he is pretty much everything I'd look for in a guy. Yes, he's not perfect, he has some things I didn't like but I've communicated to him the issues and he is putting more effort in, so that's really good for me.  And those issues were minor issues anyway, not bad enough to not wanna be with him.

So I guess here is the thing that I'm wanting advice on... Is it normal to not feel like you miss someone and have the butterflies & excitement gone away quite quickly in a relationship?

I don't know whether because in the past, some relationships I've been in, I still felt the honeymoon period and excitement and waiting for their text within the 5-6 month mark. (& I don't think 7 months of dating someone is particularly that long either) I feel like the honeymoon period between my bf & I kinda died down by the 4th mark? we got very comfortable with each other very quickly because we are very similar people as individuals. & I'm happy with that, cos I love the fact I am very comfortable around him and don't feel judged etc. 

I am also a very independent person , I love me time and doing my own things etc. I don't feel like I need to text my bf 24/7 and he feels the same too. Whilst it's quite nice and I do like that, it makes me think, back in my old relationships I remember wanting to constantly talk to my exes all the time... So now I'm questioning myself whether this is normal? Cos I can go a 1-2 hours without texting my bf and not feel like I miss him?
Same with seeing him, I see him once a week but sometimes if we're busy we see each other once every other week.. and oddly enough, I don't feel like I "miss" him or feel gutted I won't see him. In the beginning yes, I felt sad when I couldn't see him, so I'm not sure whether I'm just in a serious and comfortable part of a relationship. Where it's non-toxic and it's sturdy and this is how it should be?

So, I guess I just want to hear other people's advice?

P.s I know people say, imagine yourself without that person in your life to know your true feelings. & for me yes I would be upset if my bf and I broke up. Part of me thinks the sadness is because he's the first person I've had a lot in common with, similar personalities and outlook in life etc. However, I think I would get over it, as in I wouldn't be absolutely devastated, heart broken... - Idk if this is the independent part of me.
've always lived my life knowing I don't particularly need a guy in my life. So, I don't "need" my bf but more so I want to be with him. & This is just because I'm very happy independent and I've never been someone who depends my happiness on someone else. I'm a big believer, you date someone cos you want to be with them, not cos you feel you need them for your own happiness. Plus, I've dated a lot of guys before and I know if something doesn't work out with someone, there's always someone else out there for you? So, I don;t know if this plays a part.. but I just want to know people's thoughts?

 

Edited by Incompatible
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What does he add to your life? Does he make you feel special? Does he put in efforts to please you? Do you genuinely enjoy your time with him and feel he brings out the best in you? How's the chemistry between you two?

Cause the guy could be great on paper, but not as great in real life.

4 minutes ago, Incompatible said:

And those issues were minor issues anyway, not bad enough to not wanna be with him.

Can you list some of these?l

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What you are talking about is the infatuation phase. Yes, that goes away at different rates and develops into a deeper loving phase where you are comfortable and trusting and most of the time happy. That varies for everyone and every relationship. I have been with my husband more than 3 decades and I love him more than I did 3 decades ago because I know him through and through and understand him and love him. I don’t need the erratic up and down feelings that lead you to attach to a person because I am attached to him at a very fundamental and spiritual and essential way. 
 

So, the infatuation over anxious feeling gives way to something else as the relationship develops. 

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14 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What does he add to your life? Does he make you feel special? Does he put in efforts to please you? Do you genuinely enjoy your time with him and feel he brings out the best in you? How's the chemistry between you two?

Cause the guy could be great on paper, but not as great in real life.

Can you list some of these?l

One thing is that he doesn't plan dates/days out much. I'm very adventurous and love to explore and do new things.  I'm always the one saying to him, we should do this and that together and he always is happy to do it. But I guess, I would like him to take the initiative and plan stuff too.. as It can get exhausting one person doing it. & I have told him that and tbh he is trying and putting more effort in, which is why I cannot complain much.  (Reason why he doesn't plan as much is because he is so laid back and is happy to do whatever I want to do, so he likes to leave it to me, but still nice once in a while for the other person to plan something nice). 

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1 minute ago, Incompatible said:

One thing is that he doesn't plan dates/days out much. I'm very adventurous and love to explore and do new things.  I'm always the one saying to him, we should do this and that together and he always is happy to do it. But I guess, I would like him to take the initiative and plan stuff too.. as It can get exhausting one person doing it. & I have told him that and tbh he is trying and putting more effort in, which is why I cannot complain much.  (Reason why he doesn't plan as much is because he is so laid back and is happy to do whatever I want to do, so he likes to leave it to me, but still nice once in a while for the other person to plan something nice). 

From personal experience, there are planners and non-planners. It's a line drawn in the sand and difficult to change the nature of a person. People will try to accommodate you as best as they can or compromise but his true nature is this. His relaxed nature may complement you but not if you feel it holds you back or if you feel like you're putting in all the work. Having two very organized people together who are very much planners may cause clashes or issues in the long run especially if they differ or can't compromise easily.

When you go on trips and adventures is he equally with you in spirit and just as curious about the world or do you feel like you're leading every step of the way? 

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10 minutes ago, Incompatible said:

he is so laid back and is happy to do whatever I want to do.

This is a good quality. If you are a planner that's great. If he's onboard with whatever you want, that's great. 

Don't nitpick trying to make someone they are not when this balance seems to work.

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Quote

How long does honeymoon phase last for?

6 months- 2 years. So I guess you are at that time.

What you ask depends from case to case. Those "big love" you mentioned you had, where you cant wait to hear from them, or to see them, where they are your whole world, they usually "crash and burn". As they are mostly passion and not anything else. Afterward you go more mature, so some other stuff becomes more important. You got very comfortable so now other things take over. 

You not missing him could be a good sign as it means you are not dependable. Some take it as a good thing to be, but dependability is not that good. However, it may just mean that there is nothing else there and you got tired of him. For example, would you be fine if you started to see each other more or he would "suffocate" you? How about living together? Those are all good question to ask yourself moving forward. Because its a difference between having a relationship just to have a relationship or having something for the future. now its a good time because after honeymoon period you can see some stuff you couldnt during it and as you become more comfortable see how the other person is and can you make something together.

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After the honeymoon phase, there's a deeper love/affection for each other. I don't think you are there yet or things have ran it's course. IMO if you only see each other maybe once a week there isn't enough time to build emotional intimacy/connection. 

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41 minutes ago, Incompatible said:

I'm always the one saying to him, we should do this and that together and he always is happy to do it. But I guess, I would like him to take the initiative and plan stuff too.. as It can get exhausting one person doing it.

You are absolutely on point. If he's that into you, he'd be keeping up his efforts and and it would be mutual. But it seems more one-sided. Kinda meh... 

What happens if you don't plan anything?

38 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

When you go on trips and adventures is he equally with you in spirit and just as curious about the world or do you feel like you're leading every step of the way? 

This is good to know as well^ even if he's onboard, is he just going with whatever or is actively wanting to know you more and explore the world together? 

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25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Have you had sleepovers? What do they feel like? Have you been vulnerable around each other?

Or are you both acting sort of emotionally unavailable?

Yeah I've slept over his house a few times and we do have fun when we're together.

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28 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You are absolutely on point. If he's that into you, he'd be keeping up his efforts and and it would be mutual. But it seems more one-sided. Kinda meh... 

What happens if you don't plan anything?

This is good to know as well^ even if he's onboard, is he just going with whatever or is actively wanting to know you more and explore the world together? 

If I don't plan anything, he will just happily meet me at my house all the time. I don't mind just having a day at home and chilling as when you eventually get comfortable with someone, you don't need to always go on dates. 

& Yeah he does always say he enjoys experiencing new things with me. But tbh the initiating dates as I said isn't really a red flag or major issue for me. I've told him about  it and he's putting more effort in and thats all I can ask for and I'm happy with it. 

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I married the guy I was kind of "meh" about. Initially we were excited to see one another all the time and that never really waned, but I knew I didn't feel the kind of love I should for a man I was going to marry. But I thought I was being silly and nit picky because he's a good, decent hardworking man who treated me well. So I married him.

We're divorced now. I shouldn't have married him. It wasn't the right decision.

That being said, you're not going to have butterflies forever. You can get to a point where you feel secure in the relationship. But if you don't care much if you don't get to see him...yeah, that takes some thinking about.

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But if you don't care much if you don't get to see him...yeah, that takes some thinking about.

Exactly.

I think you just need to see how this is going and where this dynamic is heading.

Have you been emotionally vulnerable around him to allow for some closeness to build up? Or vice-versa? Do you still find him attractive?

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Can I ask how old you guys are, to understand the context of all this a bit more? 

Personally, I wouldn't define the "honeymoon phase" as an inability to go an hour or two without texting without getting into a yearning tizzy. So, from that gauge, perhaps what you are experiencing is maturity—which, lovely as that is, can sometimes trigger some melancholy. Ditto the core understanding that you will survive if this doesn't work out. I'd argue that a relationship doesn't really work—or really achieve the heights and depths people seek from them—if both people aren't able to stand on their own two feet. 

Generally speaking, I think what's important is that you remain really thrilled to have a person in your life, excited to keep getting to know them, excited to take your clothes off together—and, as things deepen, that thrill and excitement is joined by a sense of security and expansiveness that is pretty dang thrilling in its own right. Guess what I'm saying is that the "butterflies" invariably flap their wings less hard as things get more comfortable, but that shouldn't mean the whole thing is no longer really exciting and enriching. 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Is this the same man? Because here you complained of lack of planning and at 7 mos. losing the "thrill", etc. also. If it's a pattern, it's not him.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Ask yourself why you need to feel infatuated/highs/lows.  Do you need that being on edge to motivate you to be into someone - as opposed to the quieter excitement of being with the right person and having mutual caring and mutual love -where your feelings are reciprocated so you don't have the challenge of winning him over.  That's different from feeling a spark because of who the person is, being kept on your toes at times not because he's being distant but because he challenges you or inspires you to exit your comfort zone some, try new things or consider new perspectives.  

Missing and pining and feeling needy if to an intense extent usually means there's an imbalance -but it can feel exciting and fuel infatuation.  

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As for me, like everyone, the extreme highs of a new relationship leveled out after 6 months, but I did miss my bf, who became my husband, when we were apart 3 or 4 days. If I'm into someone, I can't imagine not missing them after a whole week apart, and definitely would be missing them at the 2 week mark. We got together at least twice a week from the get-go, and that's how we liked it.

Everyone's different, so how you feel might be your norm for your independent lifestyle. Or, he's good on paper but doesn't strike a strong enough spark inside you. I have a feeling that might be the case, as it concerns you enough to write on a forum about the issue.

I, too, wonder how old you are. Sometimes I think it's the case for some that they're not done sowing their wild oats and don't really want something so serious as this point in their lives. And so even if the person is pleasant and there are no dealbreakers, you're just not feeling that he's your forever person.

Good luck in discovering which way is best for you to proceed.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/9/2022 at 2:15 PM, Incompatible said:

So now I'm questioning myself whether this is normal? Cos I can go a 1-2 hours without texting my bf and not feel like I miss him?
Same with seeing him, I see him once a week but sometimes if we're busy we see each other once every other week.. and oddly enough, I don't feel like I "miss" him or feel gutted I won't see him. In the beginning yes, I felt sad when I couldn't see him, so I'm not sure whether I'm just in a serious and comfortable part of a relationship.

I think all of this is okay, as long he's feeling the same eg. he isn't overly bothered if you two can't get together until the next week.

As for you able to go 1-2 hrs without texting, well I'd hope so! lol.  Isn't necessary or normal if you feel you should be 'in constant contact'.  For someone to feel they have to be like that, imo, shows some instability.  I hope you two can even do actual calls to speak for real now and then?  Communication is important... Back in my day, we only had a phone to communicate ( and actual letters thru mail), other than seeing each other live.  So, yeah, being able to go 'hours' and no contact is all good! 😉 

By sounds of it, I think you're just 'comfortable' now with each other, which is good.

I wouldn't look at this as any concern or much re: a honeymoon phase issue.  Stuff happens, people are all excited in the beginning and yeah, it dies down a bit.

Edited by SooSad33
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On 5/9/2022 at 8:15 PM, Incompatible said:

Cos I can go a 1-2 hours without texting my bf and not feel like I miss him?

This right here  - this is part of the issue. 

In the past, you couldn't manage an hour or two without feeling like you missed your boyfriend? I would say that this mentality was actually not very healthy, and leads to some unrealistic expectations - both of your partner and yourself. 

It's perfectly normal to go several hours without feeling like you need to message a boyfriend. One or two hours is nothing.

My guess is that the older you get, the more mature you are becoming and realizing that you don't actually need to be in constant contact with your partner. It's not about the honeymoon phase being over, necessarily, but rather you evolving and growing and appreciating what a true connection (and not just infatuation) feels like. 

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I wouldn't look to external "phases" - two individuals are all that matters. If you're questioning your feelings and it shakes you to the core of your relationship -meaning it makes you question in an intense way whether you are with the right person then telling yourself "oh because the honeymoon phase doesn't last that long" isn't fair to you or him.  Because if you ask  around enough you'll find people married 50 years who say they're still in that phase, people married 2 years who say they never were and don't care -they're really happy and in love with their partner - and others ready to sell you supplements, snake oil, relationship coaching to be honeymoon phasers again.  

Analogy - I love my son to the moon and back.  Right now I need space from him.  I want to drink coffee in peace.  Do I question my love for him because I need space? Or because the thought of having a couple of hours to myself next week when my husband returns sounds like heaven? No. 

Because I feel secure in my love for my husband, son, marriage, family.  If someone told me today "what do you mean you don't feel butterflies or super excited about your husband or miss him like crazy when he's away on a business trip??? there's something wrong!" -I'd smile, say thanks for sharing, and go back to my good marriage and life. 

But when I had doubts about past relationships all it took was for someone to tell me "I still feel sooooo in love with my boyfriend after a year - we're all over each other and miss each other like crazy!" -that would set me off and send me into a tailspin of doubts.  

I'd look internally not at phases.

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Just because today's technology allows us to be in constant contact doesn't mean we need to be. 

A hundred years ago when my husband and I were newlyweds he called me once a day from work. No cell phones, of course, but I didn't wonder if he still loved me if he didn't call me every one or two hours. And I didn't "miss" him if he didn't. I welcomed him home from work with a smile each evening, but I hadn't been pining all day long.

Instead of thinking that words on a tiny screen indicate love or commitment, how do you actually feel about him and the relationship in general?

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