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My family always goes on a yearly vacation all 12 of us, cousins, aunts, family friends. This year the guys in the family cannot go, and a lot of people backed out. My mother and I have a whole condo rented for just us two.  We didn't want just two of us in a whole place, so we thought we'd invite my mom's best friend and my two best friends. We all know each other, and we figured we would have a fun time. So it's five women now going on a girls trip. 

There are four bedrooms in the condo we rented. My mother and I are sharing one room. And we promised the other ladies their own rooms. My friends are sharing, and my moms friend gets her own. I asked the other ladies if they could contribute towards the condo. They said sure. I gave them a huge discount. They aren't paying as much as my mom and I, but that's OK. We had already rented and paid for it. So we made a bit of money back. 

We have been chatting about this trip and all the fun things we are going to do. We rented one car, with only my mom's name on it, so she is the only driver, and we got her extra insurance in case something happens. 

Now, my mom's best friend is making things awkward. We are flying across the country. My mom's friends daughter and husband lives 4.5 hours from our vacation spot.  She only gets to see her a couple times a year,  so she wants to see her when we are there. 

She asked all of us respectfully if it was okay if she spends a day with her daughter. I told her of course and that, we don't mind at all. At first, she said how her daughter and husband are going to drive the 4.5 hours to spend the day with her. 

Now she is trying to convince us to drive two hours to another city to spend a day. Of course, it's way closer to meet up with her daughter, and she said her daughter and husband could meet us there. 

It's two hours there and two back in one day.  My mother and I don't want to go to that city and my mother doesn't feel comfortable driving that distance, because we don't know the area. Her friend is pleading her case sending us links for fun stuff we can do there and even roped in my friends to thinking that making this day trip will be fun. 

My mother and I feel awkward and put on the spot now. But this is our vacation. We paid mostly for it and we don't want to do that, but we feel evil saying no. She says that her daughter and husband will just have to come all the 4.5 hours to us. But then my mom and I feel bad and guilty. We don't know what to do. No one else can drive the car but my mom.  My mother said that if her friend wants to let them stay one night, maybe they could sleep on the couches at the condo. Since it's such a long drive for them. But I don't find that fair. We paid a lot for this condo. It's our trip. Now suddenly it's becoming her friends family trip. I just want to relax and feel comfortable and I don't know if any of this is a good idea. We dont know her daughter or husband, so letting them stay in the condo, I just feel conflicted. If they want to see her, they can drive the 4.5 hours and go home same day. Am I wrong?

 

 

 

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You're not wrong.

Why can't your mom's friend rent a car and drive out there herself? Or take some form of public transportation?

Your mom can politely explain that you won't be making that day trip because it's not in your plans. And she can suggest what I mentioned above.

One time my brother and his fiancee were coming into town to visit me. His fiancee was notorious for missing flights, so of course she missed hers. So my brother asked me to drive to his hotel to pick him up, drive to the airport, pick HER up, take them back to the hotel, then wait while his fiancee got ready and then drive them to an event we were all attending. I told him no. That was an outrageous amount of driving. And I told him so. They may not have liked me saying no but they made other arrangements. And your mom's friend can too.

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7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My family always goes on a yearly vacation all 12 of us, cousins, aunts, family friends. This year the guys in the family cannot go, and a lot of people backed out. My mother and I have a whole condo rented for just us two.  We didn't want just two of us in a whole place, so we thought we'd invite my mom's best friend and my two best friends. We all know each other, and we figured we would have a fun time. So it's five women now going on a girls trip. 

There are four bedrooms in the condo we rented. My mother and I are sharing one room. And we promised the other ladies their own rooms. My friends are sharing, and my moms friend gets her own. I asked the other ladies if they could contribute towards the condo. They said sure. I gave them a huge discount. They aren't paying as much as my mom and I, but that's OK. We had already rented and paid for it. So we made a bit of money back. 

We have been chatting about this trip and all the fun things we are going to do. We rented one car, with only my mom's name on it, so she is the only driver, and we got her extra insurance in case something happens. 

Now, my mom's best friend is making things awkward. We are flying across the country. My mom's friends daughter and husband lives 4.5 hours from our vacation spot.  She only gets to see her a couple times a year,  so she wants to see her when we are there. 

She asked all of us respectfully if it was okay if she spends a day with her daughter. I told her of course and that, we don't mind at all. At first, she said how her daughter and husband are going to drive the 4.5 hours to spend the day with her. 

Now she is trying to convince us to drive two hours to another city to spend a day. Of course, it's way closer to meet up with her daughter, and she said her daughter and husband could meet us there. 

It's two hours there and two back in one day.  My mother and I don't want to go to that city and my mother doesn't feel comfortable driving that distance, because we don't know the area. Her friend is pleading her case sending us links for fun stuff we can do there and even roped in my friends to thinking that making this day trip will be fun. 

My mother and I feel awkward and put on the spot now. But this is our vacation. We paid mostly for it and we don't want to do that, but we feel evil saying no. She says that her daughter and husband will just have to come all the 4.5 hours to us. But then my mom and I feel bad and guilty. We don't know what to do. No one else can drive the car but my mom.  My mother said that if her friend wants to let them stay one night, maybe they could sleep on the couches at the condo. Since it's such a long drive for them. But I don't find that fair. We paid a lot for this condo. It's our trip. Now suddenly it's becoming her friends family trip. I just want to relax and feel comfortable and I don't know if any of this is a good idea. We dont know her daughter or husband, so letting them stay in the condo, I just feel conflicted. If they want to see her, they can drive the 4.5 hours and go home same day. Am I wrong?

 

 

 

Just say "no".  Tell her rent a car for that day.  She is not a child, and can rent a car for herself.

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My mom feels guilty because she contributed money for our shared rental car for the week. It was more money to add more drivers, so we saved by making my mom the only driver. But she paid us for the car we are sharing. My mom thinks it's rude to them insist she pay to rent another. 

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14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My mom feels guilty because she contributed money for our shared rental car for the week. It was more money to add more drivers, so we saved by making my mom the only driver. But she paid us for the car we are sharing. My mom thinks it's rude to them insist she pay to rent another. 

Then I guess your mom is willing to drive her around. Not much can be done if your mom won't say "no".

I personally think it's rude for her friend to expect your mom to make an hours long side trip, but if your mom tends to be codependent it's going to make things hard for her.

By chance do you also have codependent tendencies? Those often are learned from a parent.

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26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My mom feels guilty because she contributed money for our shared rental car for the week. 

If everyone can afford a fancy trip why penny-pinch when it comes to common sense? Refund her contribution so they can rent their own car. What is it for the day? Like $20??  Your mother's guilt is not your problem and this lockstep thinking and penny pinching is going to ruin the trip.  

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your mother's guilt is not your problem and this lockstep thinking and penny pinching is going to ruin the trip.  

Agreed.

OP how old are you? Why are YOU so involved in this?

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Well, this isn't such a big deal in the bigger scheme. Just say no nicely and firmly and then go to the beach or do something else, change the subject. Your mother's friend will figure out something else. No one is evil. That's a very peculiar and strong concept for a minor issue.

If the car rental is already in your mother's name then keep it that way. I'm sure that there are other ways to get around, rent a car, take transit, have them fly out. She'll be able to handle the logistics. 

Put on your sunglasses and enjoy the vacation. 

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Yes- tell her to rent her own car since now she wants to do this side trip and reimburse the contribution to your rental car.  And if it were me in this sort of trip -and especially if I were single I would not want to spend time with a married couple especially since it's her daughter and son in law - she'll want to focus on them, cater to them, do what they want to do and to you they're strangers and not people you chose to vacation with.  

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I thought about this more.  Yes it's a vacation.  That you planned and structured as a girls vacation. Years ago I wanted to attend a monthly movie day with women only from my place of worship.  Most of the women dropped out and there was only one left who I knew only a little bit.  She texted me "is it ok if I bring my husband?"  Well, no it wasn't.  So I politely replied "oh I can't make it anyway, enjoy!".   It wasn't a big deal either way to cancel but it was rude of her to change the plan, the structure of a women only event to go see a movie.  This woman is not willing to go with the general plan of a girls' vacation because she wants to inject two people you do not know including a man.  Totally fine if she steps out for a day (or even an overnight trip to see her daughter) but dragging everyone else in to her new plan is not ok.  And that's where you come in -you can't cancel and shouldn't as I did but you do have to forget about "awkward" and be direct and firm and simple. 

And if your mother won't and prioritizes her friend's side trip over the rest of you and won't re-do the car situation that tells me your mother has changed the whole trip. It's now a trip involving her friend, her friend's family and a side trip. If so perhaps tell your mother - you and she will do a shorter trip another time and perhaps find another place for you and your friends to share either in that location or another.  Then your mom and her friend can do their new trip where they share the condo with the daughter plus husband.

I get that this is an annual vacation but this year it's really not - it's morphed into a girls trip everyone agreed to including your mom.  I'd throw $ at the problem but totally fine to point out to your mom that if this side trip means sharing the condo with this married couple that's a completely different trip and won't be a vacation for you and your friends.  

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There are just too many moving parts and more reasons to say no then there are to say yes.   She needs to explain to them that this is a group planned vacation and going off to do your own thing isn't a good idea.  There is only one shared car that she can't take from the group and unfortunately no room for them to stay.  Thank them for the offer to make the drive (and then change the terms?) but she is regrettably not able to meet up.

No reason for guilt.  It's out of your control and just the way things worked out.

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Don't feel guilty.  Be adamant.  Tell your friend that you and your mom will stick to your original plans.  If THEY wish to rent their own car and drive wherever they wish, it's their prerogative.  Be very clear about this.  You and your mom have every right to relax instead of constantly driving far. 

No sleeping on couches.  Your friend doesn't get to dictate new schedules. 

Learn to say, "NO" loud and clear! 

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Well I also agree that you shouldn't have to drive the two hours just to let your Mum's friend see her family. I do think you should suggest to her to rent her own car and go see them. I want to play the devil's advocate a bit here though. 

After all the rest of your family pulled out of the trip, it was just you and your mother left and stuck paying for the whole big condo. We call them apartment in Australia so I feel a bit weird saying condo but I'll continue to say condo lol

So the thing is, you and your mother were stuck with the whole big bill paying for the condo (which is too big for just two people). You also had to pay for the rental car just the two of you. So in a sense your mother's friend and your two friends are actually doing you a favour by coming along and chipping in some money. I understand they didn't pay as much as you and your Mum but they weren't actually the original people invited and without them you and your mother would need to pay all the bills. So I think you can't really be like: "We paid for most of it". Yes you did but that's because you were stuck with it to begin with. I think getting at least some money from your friends is better than getting nothing?

Personally I think another option would be to actually allow your mother's friends daughter and husband to just sleep on the couch only for one night. Just as long as you draw the boundary that it is for one night only. Yes of course you don't have to do this but if they're going to drive 4.5 hours, it's just a kind thing to do to allow them to stay one night. After that they would leave and you can get on with your girls' trip away. I understand that you don't know them but presumably they're not dodgy or bad people. It's your Mum's best friend's daughter so hopefully she's a trustworthy person.

I think if you ask your Mum's friend to rent her own car then you should probably refund her the money she gave you for the rental car. I know it's not necessarily fair of her to try to do her own thing on this trip. But considering originally she wasn't even invited on the trip, she is actually contributing financially and she didn't have to agree to come. If she's really adamant she needs to go see her daughter then just tell her to rent her own car and go do whatever. In the meantime the rest of you can just do as you like and not worry about her.

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I agree with everyone telling you that you can just say no. This is not something that comes naturally to me either, and it's taken me many years to work on this. Not being able to say no is a people pleasing trait. Remind yourself, your thoughts and feelings matter. I don't blame her for asking, but when you guys expressed it wasn't what you wanted to do, it should have ended there. She likely pushed because she knows you have a hard time saying no, and she was taking advantage of this, even if not for nefarious reasons! 

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My brother asked me to take him somewhere at 8:00 am while we're on vacation this upcoming weekend. I told him no, but I'd be happy to take him later in the morning. He got snippy and gave me a pissy response, but the answer is still no. I'm not getting up early enough to be out the door at 8:00 am while on vacation. He can take a Lyft or a bus if he wants to go out that early. I'm pretty sure he's still my brother lol.

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So because my mother and I didn't jump on driving the two hours, my mothers friend is now saying that her daughter and husband are coming all the way to us. And because we didn't mention them staying in the house, she said they plan on getting a hotel room for one night since the ride is so long. 

I'm relieved and happy. But then my mom's friend says "Oh well I don't want them spending too much money on a hotel, because they have a bunch of weddings to go to this summer and they need to save"

We said nothing. I hope she doesn't ask if they can stay at the condo. It's not my problem that they insist on seeing her and not my problem if they don't have the money to do so. 

The last thing my mother and I are concerned about is covid. The five of us women are being really careful and quarantining a week before the trip so we are safe and hopefully covid free. 

My mom's friends daughter works at a  hospital. How do we know she won't bring us covid? I think that's a valid concern. Would it be rude to ask them to test before they come to visit?

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If they will be visiting inside the condo (are you sure they have to -if they have a hotel can't they hang out there) then yes have them test in the appropriate way. And ignore the woman's comments about budgeting and finance. It's sooooo hard when you're struggling because you have a bunch of parties to go to and you have to buy clothes and gifts.  Please.   

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No I think it’s okay if you ask for covid test but maybe you should let them stay in the condo just for a night. It will be a kind offer and it won’t do anything. Of course it’s your call but your mom’s friend is waiting that offer.

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