Do I confront him

[Dreamer]

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years, although nothing much has changed between us, I have seen him looking over his shoulder when he’s on his phone and one time he opened a text message love hearts flew out of the message, he deleted the message very quick and I did not confront him because we were not in a place to have that conversation.

I’m having sleepless nights and am confused because nothing much has changed between us! 

Do I confront him with this, it’s tearing me apart, I’m sure it’ll end us if I see he’s lying and he’s talking to someone inappropriately or he admits to it!

[lostandhurt]

Something has changed, he has.

Looking over his shoulder, deleting texts sounds like new behavior.  I would bet if you took your love goggles off that you would see and feel the things he is doing differently.

I bet your gut is telling you something you don't want to hear and that is why you are losing sleep.

Trust your gut. Take a few days and really pay attention to him. Showering habits, the way he dresses, work hours, lunch breaks, phone habits, hanging out with friends more, keeping his vehicle cleaner, attitude change and on and on.  It is all there to be seen if in fact he is doing something he shouldn't be.

  After a few days of you with your radar on full then decide how you want to approach him.  Pointed questions or seemingly benign questions to see his reaction.

Cheaters rarely tell the truth and certainly almost never come clean until you have a pretty good idea they are cheating.  That is why just asking him who sent him hearts or why he deleted texts will only get you lies. You want to ask a question you already know the answer to with a suspected cheater because cheaters lie and then lie some more.  That is what they do.

  Any new coworkers?  New clients?  Newly divorced buddies?  New FB friend? Gym friend?  The answer is there somewhere but don't expect him to come clean.

 Lost

[Rose Mosse]

22 minutes ago, Dreamer said:

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years, although nothing much has changed between us, I have seen him looking over his shoulder when he’s on his phone and one time he opened a text message love hearts flew out of the message, he deleted the message very quick and I did not confront him because we were not in a place to have that conversation.

I’m having sleepless nights and am confused because nothing much has changed between us! 

Do I confront him with this, it’s tearing me apart, I’m sure it’ll end us if I see he’s lying and he’s talking to someone inappropriately or he admits to it!

Have there been any disagreements or arguments between the two of you? How is your home life? Do you live together? Is he distant or evasive? How's your communication been overall? 

Try to take a good look at whether the relationship is fulfilling anymore. You both may have grown apart slowly.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Dreamer said:

Do I confront him with this, it’s tearing me apart, I’m sure it’ll end us if I see he’s lying and he’s talking to someone inappropriately or he admits to it!

So, what is the point?

He will never admit it because you have no evidence. And will probably end up gaslighting you with "I dont know what you are talking about, you saw nothing of a sort". Heck he would probably gaslight you even if you have real evidence. 

Anyway, if he is conspicuous, receiving hearts and deleting messages, he is probably cheating. What you would do with that information is up to you. You could snoop and probably find more evidence where he would still probably deny it. Or just walk away. Its pretty hard after 6 years of relationship. But if he doesnt respect that and you, you should consider that as an option.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Dreamer said:

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years,  one time he opened a text message love hearts flew out of the message, he deleted the message very quick.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together?

What do you mean by "nothing has changed"? 6 years is a long time to limp along and not feel safe, happy or comfortable in a relationship.

It seems like heart messages are the tip of the iceberg as far as problems go.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Dreamer said:

I’m sure it’ll end us if I see he’s lying and he’s talking to someone inappropriately or he admits to it!

Well, yes, as it should. 

If he's getting close to someone else, then your relationship is already in serious trouble whether you confront him or not. 

You are not going to be able to continuing keeping this all inside you. Something is telling you that he's not being honest. You need to talk to him. 

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, Dreamer said:

Do I confront him with this, it’s tearing me apart, I’m sure it’ll end us if I see he’s lying and he’s talking to someone inappropriately or he admits to it!

If it was me, I'd snoop first and then confront. Moralizers be damned. There's too much motivation for a cheater to lie when confronted. 

Make sure to do a good job of it because if you find no evidence, you'll have to do a lot of thinking about the state of your relationship and you'll probably have to fess up to snooping.

If he really isn't cheating, and you're both 100% invested in the relationship, that could prove to be a great thing. But if you simply failed to discover the truth, it will just compound your problems.

I think the worst thing would be to take no action and pretend like there's not a problem.

[smackie9]

Things may not have changed much, but there will be the start of changes soon because you are on high alert.

[Dreamer]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together?

What do you mean by "nothing has changed"? 6 years is a long time to limp along and not feel safe, happy or comfortable in a relationship.

It seems like heart messages are the tip of the iceberg as far as problems go.

Thank you for responding. He treats me the same as always, talks about the future for us. He also added me to his trust fund but this odd behavior is confusing me. I will confront him but I have to have evidence! One day he’ll trip up!

Thank you

[Dreamer]

We do live together and he talks about the future for us and the only thing that has changed is him looking over his shoulder to see if I’m looking while on his phone or laptop, he also switching screens wen I come close.

I am going to be vigilant and he’ll slip up, I just have to find evidence! 

He hardly ever goes out, so don’t think it could be a physical thing if he’s up to something!

Living like ‘normal’ for me isn’t easy, I’m sad and broken as I thought this was IT for me, but I will not live with deceit! This is not going to be easy, but I need a conclusion soon!

[lostandhurt]

There are plenty of lists of behaviors cheaters display so you may want to ask here or google it.

 In my case she checked in with me more than usual like she was making sure she knew where I was at that moment. She also worked late and house sat for a friend she almost never spoke to.

  There are the usual to like secretive with their phone, going in the other room to text, taking their phone into the bathroom, placing their phone face down...

 Lost

[Dreamer]

@lostandhurt did you find out she was cheating, did she own up and are you still together! 
 
I would find it hard to forgive and it would eat away at me until I would end it!

I’m sorry for your pain, think if we have a gut feeling, it’s normally black and white, we need to follow our intuition!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dreamer said:

We do live together and he talks about the future for us 

"Talks about?" After 6 years this seems to be going nowhere.

There doesn't seem to be much love, trust or respect in this situation. Almost like roommates with benefits.

Something is wrong but trying to peek at his devices won't fix that.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Dreamer said:

Living like ‘normal’ for me isn’t easy, I’m sad and broken as I thought this was IT for me, but I will not live with deceit! This is not going to be easy, but I need a conclusion soon!

I agree!

I'm sorry you're feeling confused in all of this 😕 , especially if there is something going on..... BUT....

This will only keep eating away at you UNTIL you act and work at finding the truth.

You really have no idea what that was all about.. Who knows, maybe he got some odd response from some sort of 'female friend', that he really wasn't expecting  - so that was from her end, not his.  OR, he may be flirtin around with someone out there-- You really don't know.

Fact is, there should be trust in a healthy relationship.  One should never feel this uneasy. So, IF he's got any respect for you, he should man up about this and be honest with you!  No games, no lies, etc.

I feel this should be confronted sooner, rather than later, so you can either consider moving on & away from him or have it settled to ease your conscience.

 

[lostandhurt]

On 5/8/2022 at 8:45 PM, Dreamer said:

@lostandhurt did you find out she was cheating, did she own up and are you still together! 
 
I would find it hard to forgive and it would eat away at me until I would end it!

I’m sorry for your pain, think if we have a gut feeling, it’s normally black and white, we need to follow our intuition!

I caught her in a lie that got me thinking and it spiraled from there. I actually tricked her into calling me when she was with her cheating partner and she tried to lie her way out but I knew the answers to the questions I was asking so I finally accepted she was up to no good. She promised to come clean on what she has been up to when she gets home (she actually jumped back in bed with the guy after talking to me) but she just tried to lie her way out of all of it.  She eventually came clean after about a half hour of lies telling me he is her soulmate, it was fate that they met blah blah blah.

 Our disabled son was 8 at the time so I wanted to keep the family together so I gave her 3 chances in all.  The first two were for her to end things with the loser, the last one was for me so I could move forward knowing I tried my best.  She said she would end it but didn't and by then I had things in place to know everything she did so I wasn't relying on a cheater to tell me the truth.

 We were together 20 years and she threw that all away for an out of work loser that couldn't even pay child support for the 3 kids he had. In the end they were together for about 2 years until she cheated on him with the guy she is with now.  The new guy has no idea he helped her cheat and is actually a great guy. We have been divorced about 13 years now and I am way happier than I ever thought I would be.  In the end she did me a favor...

Trust your gut, be smart and pay close attention.  If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

Without trust there can be no true love

 Lost

[reinventmyself]

You bring up exactly what you witnessed.  And he's likely going to deny it but at least it's out in the open and from there you just pay close attention.  The truth tends to show itself one way or another without any effort on your part.

[Andrina]

Have you two ever discussed relationship rules? Such as are you on the same page about whether or not you can exchange numbers with others of the opposite sex, such as co-workers?

If you've never done this, or if it's been years since the rules have been discussed, my suggestion would be to maybe sit down with him and ask him what he thinks the relationship boundaries need to be, or should continue to be. 

First listen, and see his facial expressions and body language. If he won't answer and asks why you're asking, tell him what your boundaries are, and ask if he's on the same page.

You might learn a lot. You could also admit the hearts you saw, and how you've noticed a change in his behavior. 

You could ask to use his computer or phone for whatever reason and see his behavior. 

You could suggest you both get on a phone plan together to save money, to get one bill you could split, and see his reaction.

Just giving ideas, because I know you'll probably blow if you keep building up these negative emotions by continuing to witness his change of behavior.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Batya33]

Is it possible he's planning a proposal or a getaway for you too -meaning the hearts would have been him texting an idea and getting a romantic reaction.... on your behalf as a couple.  For example.  I texted photos of a gift I got my husband to certain of my friends and had my husband walked by I would have tried to hide the phone from view.

Also talk about the future is nice.  After 6 years what concrete plans do you have? Do you both want the same things for the future?

Edited May 11 by Batya33

[Lambert]

You don't need evidence. 

I think you will know just by how he reacts.

It's not healthy for you to be super sleuth, pretending everything is fine when it's not. 

Relationships require both people to be honest with each other.  I don't see either of you being honest in this situation. 

In your shoes, I would choose a time to discuss this.  When you're relaxed and just hanging together.  And calmly tell him,  you've noticed the hearts, him looking over his shoulder, switching screens. Why? What's happening with him? 

By the way, that's your evidence.  This isn't a court of law.  You are the only jury member. You listen to your gut,  trust yourself,  be strong. It's hard but if it's as bad as you think,  it's better to get it on the table and do what is best for YOU.