Should I breakup with my boyfriend?

[nai808]

Hello, I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I'm 22 and he's 23. I recently got into a fight with him because of what I said. Last week, he took me to his house. I've been to his house multiple times and have met and talked to both of his parents. I get along well with his mom as we were both born from the same area and we share a sense of humour among with other things. His dad is 75 and I've talked to him a few times. But everytime I have, he seems to be very suspicious of me. We don't talk as much since he's either mostly at the doctors when I'm at their house or he's asleep in his room. But last week when I went to my boyfriend's house, I spoke to his dad and mom. The conversation was going great until his dad asked me how many boyfriends I've had before. I honestly said one, and looked at his soon. And after saying that, in a serious tone he said I was lying. This really bothered me as I have no reason to lie about something like that and it's true that I've only had one boyfriend. I explained to him that I have strict parents and that I've always been a shy kid and that was why I haven't had past boyfriends. But I guess he didn't believe me as he didn't acknowledge what I said. Then I talked to my boyfriend the day after and told him that I felt like his dad didn't like me. That's all I said. I didn't say that his dad was mean or rude or that he was a bad person. But my boyfriend got mad and told me to not speak that way about his dad because he's from a different generation and I don't know what his dad is thinking.

He said it was wrong of me to assume that his dad doesn't like me. And I said that I was just expressing how I felt. He didn't bother to ask me why I felt that way or what caused me to feel that way. He got mad and I immediately apologized and didn't seem him after. Now that I've processed what happened a few days ago, I understand that what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have assumed because I don't know what his dad is thinking. But at the same time I feel that I didn't say anything disrespectful and that I do have the right to express what I feel. He told me that I was just jumping into conclusions when I expressed that I felt like his dad didn't like me. This bothers me as he's had a history with saying things like "you jump into conclusions" or "here we go again" or "you're overdramatic." These statements really make me scared to tell him things and it makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid.

But fast forward to now, I haven't spoked to him in two days. I've been taking space and thinking about the situation as well as the relationship as a whole. I was going to ask him if I could have space, but usually when I've had in the past he always wants to confront things immediately or he pressures me to say what's wrong. He doesn't give me space willingly and this also bothers me, so I had no choice but to take space on my own accord. I am planning on speaking to him again, but I just wanted a few days to myself to think, feel, and reflect on what happened.

I've been thinking about breaking up with him. Not just because of the situation, but because of multiple things that have happened in our relationship. He pressured me to go down on him when we first started dating even though I told him that I had never done that before. He apologized and we moved on from it. Then I found messages of him interacting with women I didn't know and in fetish communities. And now this situation with him invalidating what I said and my feelings. I feel like I've hit the last straw and I feel like I should have seen the first two red flags. But me caring about him and seeing the good in people blinded me to that. Also, the relationship feels the same and being in his house as well as his parents makes me feel uncomfortable. All we do is go to his house and then that just usually leads to sex. We can't cuddle or watch anything for too long until it ends up to that. That and as well as us having different views, and being raised differently are also a reason.

I don't want to drag the relationship longer. Should I break up with him? I want to do it in person, but everytime I've confronted him about our problems, he just begs me to not leave him. He cries and then just follows me even though I tell him I want to be alone. It's okay that he gets emotional its normal in relationships and situations. But I'm scared that if I break up in person, he won't leave me alone or just get on his knees in public or try to convince me to stay. What do I do? 

[lostandhurt]

So his father called you a lair?  Is that correct? 

Lets leave the whole recent argument thing alone and just look at the rest of the relationship.

 Re-read what you wrote above because if you do in a detached way as if your best friend was living this what would you tell her?

At 8 months it shouldn't be this hard and it seems to me that you are doing all the adjusting to his will instead of growing together as a couple.  Then pile on that he pressured you into a sex act and all I can think is that you can do way better than this guy.  Waaaaaay better.

  Break up with him over text, it has only been 8 months after all and you don't owe him anything after the way he treated you.

PS  You were perfectly in your right to think his dad didn't like you after the grilling he gave you about how many bf's you have had.  BTW he was really asking how many guys you have had sex with before his son.

 Lost

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, nai808 said:

He pressured me to go down on him when we first started dating even though I told him that I had never done that before. He apologized and we moved on from it. Then I found messages of him interacting with women I didn't know and in fetish communities. And now this situation with him invalidating what I said and my feelings. I feel like I've hit the last straw and I feel like I should have seen the first two red flags. But me caring about him and seeing the good in people blinded me to that. Also, the relationship feels the same and being in his house as well as his parents makes me feel uncomfortable. All we do is go to his house and then that just usually leads to sex. We can't cuddle or watch anything for too long until it ends up to that. That and as well as us having different views, and being raised differently are also a reason.

I don't want to drag the relationship longer. Should I break up with him? I want to do it in person, but everytime I've confronted him about our problems, he just begs me to not leave him. He cries and then just follows me even though I tell him I want to be alone. It's okay that he gets emotional its normal in relationships and situations. But I'm scared that if I break up in person, he won't leave me alone or just get on his knees in public or try to convince me to stay. What do I do? 

You're both not compatible, OP. If you feel he won't accept what you have to say, then do it over the phone on a phone call or text and end it there. 

The point is not to drag out this situation any longer. Both of you are not meant to be with one another and his family sounds like they may be difficult to deal with. 

[MissCanuck]

I think his dad's question was inappropriate and invasive,and frankly, I wouldn't have answered it. It's none of his business how many boyfriends you have had before. It's also incrediby rude to then imply you're lying about it. 

And your boyfriend is a jerk too. Apple didn't fall far from the tree there. 

3 hours ago, nai808 said:

He pressured me to go down on him when we first started dating even though I told him that I had never done that before. He apologized and we moved on from it. Then I found messages of him interacting with women I didn't know and in fetish communities.

And this?

Nah. Get rid of this guy. He doesn't respect you and is just generally an untrustworthy tool. Leave him to his weird dad. 

[Spawn]

well i believe you are right you should move on from this, there is no respect or love for you here.

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Your bf is manipulative and does not care about your feelings nor who you are as a person at all.

4 hours ago, nai808 said:

everytime I've confronted him about our problems, he just begs me to not leave him. He cries and then just follows me even though I tell him I want to be alone

^This is manipulation at his finest. My ex did the same thing. It's not because he wants you. It's because he's thinking of himself and he doesn't want to look for another woman to put up with his ***.

Add to that, you are clearly incompatible and he's only with you to have the benefits of a gf without lifting a finger:

4 hours ago, nai808 said:

All we do is go to his house and then that just usually leads to sex. We can't cuddle or watch anything for too long until it ends up to that. That and as well as us having different views, and being raised differently are also a reason.

And let's not even mention how he crossed your boundary with sex. That's a red flag the size of China.

OP I'm so glad you are putting time to go over this. Considering he's so manipulative, I think you should either do this in public at a restaurant in the day and with a friend (never alone!) who will look out for you/back you up 100%, or over the phone (text/call). Honestly, you don't owe him anything. I'd choose the phone considering his case. So, just rip the band aid and then block him everywhere afterwards. Cause he will chase you for his own selfish reasons and he will try to guilt trip you. You need space to get away from this and regain your sense of self respect and boundaries.

You don't deserve what he's doing. You are worthy of healthy beautiful love, and he isn't it. You can do it!

[Kwothe28]

Dad is probably deteriorating in both physical and mental health due to age or ilness. However, his comments are very heavy so you shouldnt put past that. Nore your boyfriends bad behaviors. So if you think its time to break up(especially because you tried before) persist to it this time and do it. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, nai808 said:

 . He pressured me to go down on him  Then I found messages of him interacting with women I didn't know and in fetish communities.  

Yes. End it. A text is fine. Besides his inappropriate father he's messaging others and pressured you into sex acts you weren't comfortable with.

You dodged a bullet. Maybe it's generational, maybe his father has dementia, but the interrogation of your past and insinuating that you're lying and promiscuous is bizarre.

Run from this guy and his crazy family. 

[DarkCh0c0]

OP I think you would benefit from reading this https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/ it'll help you in your reflection.

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, nai808 said:

But I'm scared that if I break up in person, he won't leave me alone or just get on his knees in public or try to convince me to stay. What do I do? 

What's stopping you from breaking up by phone, or over text?

[nai808]

Thank you so much for the advice everyone. It really means alot. 

7 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP I think you would benefit from reading this https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/ it'll help you in your reflection.

Thank you for the article I'm definitely going to read it. 

 

30 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

What's stopping you from breaking up by phone, or over text?

What's stopping me is that I've read and have been told that it's rude to do it over the phone. That if I'm going to breakup, I should be upfront and do it in person. This is why I'm conflicted as to how to do it. 

Also, should I be direct and just say things aren't working anymore or should I explain why I want to break up?

[Jibralta]

Weird. This just showed up in my unread subscriptions today, but it's from May 8.

On 5/8/2022 at 2:07 PM, nai808 said:

What's stopping me is that I've read and have been told that it's rude to do it over the phone. That if I'm going to breakup, I should be upfront and do it in person. This is why I'm conflicted as to how to do it. 

It's fine to break up over the phone if you think there's going to be some kind of a backlash. Don't let 'manners' keep you in a bad situation.

On 5/8/2022 at 2:07 PM, nai808 said:

Also, should I be direct and just say things aren't working anymore or should I explain why I want to break up?

Yes. Be direct. Tell him it's not working out and that you're breaking up with him. Don't go into detail and give him any room to argue.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/8/2022 at 2:07 PM, nai808 said:

What's stopping me is that I've read and have been told that it's rude to do it over the phone. 

 should I explain why I want to break up?

That's a myth.  Who told you it's "rude" to end it via phone?There's no right way to break up and if a call is best do it that way.. It's also a bad idea to explain yourself too much. Basically it seems like you are not ready to break up, you're just hoping to change him and his entire family. 

You're hoping by threatening to break up, it will facilitate whatever changes you want. Using faux break up talks never works to change anything.

If you are serious about ending it with him and his abusive family, then call, tell him it's not working out for you, you're not compatible, then delete and block him.