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Should I go to my fathers funeral?


rchubn
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Posted (edited)

I reconnected with my dad last September after years and he just recently passed.

 

He was not around growing up. Though he provided for his other children, he didn't provide for me because he didn't like my mother. I have other siblings that he did decide to raise.

 

My older sister said something about my mother (unprovoked) in a group chat. She said "He didn't like your mother. Deal with that." Insinuating that I unwanted. I snapped and I snapped back at her and said something mean. The rest of the group chat with my other siblings saw and they took her side because they know her better and they were raised with ger. I apologized to her but she was right I was unwanted. 😔 I got close to him last few months of his life and he ranted on about how he bought his other kids expensive things while my sister and I fought over hair ties because we couldn't afford to buy more 

His funeral is next weekend and I'm very unsure if I should even go. I'm just so torn. Advice? 

 

 

Edited by rchubn
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5 hours ago, rchubn said:

I'm very unsure if I should even go.

Who is it, exactly, that prescribes this 'should'?

Nobody else has suffered your pain FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

Darling, my heart goes out to you. You are entitled to grieve as you see fit, and if you choose to do that privately rather than suffer contention with siblings, that's your right.

Nobody can impose any guilt upon you that you are unwilling to accept.

Head high, and I wish you peace.

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6 hours ago, rchubn said:

She said "He didn't like your mother. Deal with that."

Oh waw. The audacity. You had every right to be angry.

I agree with Rose. See if you get anything out of being at the funeral vs. Not going. It's really your choice. No right or wrong here.

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Rchubn, 

 

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. 
 

I of course don’t know you, or your father, or your siblings, but from an outsider looking in from what you have said; it seems him leaving you and your other sister was a terrible blessing in disguise.

 

He doesn’t sound like a very nice man. That’s not what a man does. He doesn’t leave his family, and then, brag to you? After all the pain he caused? And his other children sound, excuse me, a chip off the old block. Just as bad. How horrible for one of them to say such a thing! You had every right to snap! It shows how kind you are that you even apologised, she hardly deserved it in my opinion! 
 

Don’t let them bully you out of going to his funeral if you want too. I understand as confusing and bad someone’s childhood can be, after all, that person was your father and if you feel like attending the funeral will give you some kind of closure maybe or, for other reasons maybe unmentioned, by all means, go. You are more than entitled to be there. 
 

I would however keep out of your half siblings lives. They seem, not nice at all. It will drag up potentially bad memories when now, with your fathers passing, you might be able to finally draw a line under this and move on. Maybe not if you are in a group chat with other nasty women who don’t treat you with respect or kindness. 
 

You seem like a lovely and fair person - attending or not attending, it is completely your decision. Most people would probably not; but I understand feelings are often mixed when it comes to family matters. 
 

Don’t let other family or half family members ever bully or disrespect you. If lore them at the funeral, be cordial as I am sure you are, then I would wave them goodbye and let them hit the wind. You can or maybe have created your own family already, whether that be just with good friends, a partner, spouse, or children of your own. You know how to do it right and you have seen how not to do it, first hand.

 

You are better than this and I know you will make the best and most gentle decision for you, using your own gut instinct.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

x

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9 hours ago, rchubn said:

 His funeral is next weekend and I'm very unsure if I should even go. 

Don't go. Why jump into a firestorm of family drama when you were not even close to him?

 

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I support you in whatever you decide without "shoulds". I thought of two alternatives as suggestions -is there a zoom link if you care to observe the funeral (if you do?). Or perhaps make a donation in his memory to a charity that supports children of single mothers and/or who are subject to neglect, etc.  to sort of put out there in the world some positive energy to combat the negativity he subjected you and your sibling to.  

I am sorry you are in this situation.

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Rchubn, 

 

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. 
 

I of course don’t know you, or your father, or your siblings, but from an outsider looking in from what you have said; it seems him leaving you and your other sister was a terrible blessing in disguise.

 

He doesn’t sound like a very nice man. That’s not what a man does. He doesn’t leave his family, and then, brag to you? After all the pain he caused? And his other children sound, excuse me, a chip off the old block. Just as bad. How horrible for one of them to say such a thing! You had every right to snap! It shows how kind you are that you even apologised, she hardly deserved it in my opinion! 
 

Don’t let them bully you out of going to his funeral if you want too. I understand as confusing and bad someone’s childhood can be, after all, that person was your father and if you feel like attending the funeral will give you some kind of closure maybe or, for other reasons maybe unmentioned, by all means, go. You are more than entitled to be there. 
 

I would however keep out of your half siblings lives. They seem, not nice at all. It will drag up potentially bad memories when now, with your fathers passing, you might be able to finally draw a line under this and move on. Maybe not if you are in a group chat with other nasty women who don’t treat you with respect or kindness. 
 

You seem like a lovely and fair person - attending or not attending, it is completely your decision. Most people would probably not; but I understand feelings are often mixed when it comes to family matters. 
 

Don’t let other family or half family members ever bully or disrespect you. If lore them at the funeral, be cordial as I am sure you are, then I would wave them goodbye and let them hit the wind. You can or maybe have created your own family already, whether that be just with good friends, a partner, spouse, or children of your own. You know how to do it right and you have seen how not to do it, first hand.

 

You are better than this and I know you will make the best and most gentle decision for you, using your own gut instinct.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

x

Well said.

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Posted (edited)

I am so sorry for all you have been through.  

When I think about funerals and whether to attend or not, I think about the living.  Once a person dies, it's not really about them anymore, is it?  Of course, a person deserves a proper burial or cremation. But the funeral is really for the survivors.  To be together to support each other in grief and mourning.

If you agree with that logic, why would you go? It sounds like your siblings are not worthy of your concern.  What your sister said was beyond harsh and says a lot more about her as a person, than it could ever be a reflection of you.  (hugs) 

In your shoes, I would take some time (maybe at the same time as the funeral )to honor the relationship you had with your dad at the end, to say good bye in your own way.  Maybe by writing a letter or some other act that feels right to you.  

Then I would turn my back on those siblings.  It sounds like you would benefit from staying away from them.

Edited to add:  With all that said, if you WANT to go-- then go.  The thing about funerals -- you only get this one chance to go.  You can't go back and change what you do or don't do.  So make sure you do what YOU think is best and what you can live with.  

Edited by Lambert
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Posted (edited)

You can go but don't go out of guilt for him or anyone. Do it if it's something you need to do for yourself. I get it, if you don't go the siblings they might criticize you, but this isn't about them anymore now is it.

As they say play the hand you are dealt. Playing the hand you’re dealt is about using what you already have, using the things you’ve been given. Wishing that you had it differently or whining about how unfair your life is only serves to take away your power. The fact is, your life isn’t different. It is what it is and the sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.

https://thepatranilaproject.com/play-hand-youre-dealt-lessons-in-living/

Edited by smackie9
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12 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Talk it through a little. What's the purpose of going? Is it to pay your last respects or out of respect for your father? Or is it to see other family? 

It seems your siblings are jealous of one another, possessive and petty. I would not sink to that level. I think you speak for your own good upbringing when you were gracious to apologize after that incident. Whether you were unplanned or neglected then it doesn't mean that you are unworthy of being alive or having life on this earth. 

Maybe think through what you would get out of going to the funeral versus what you can get by honouring his memory in other ways. There is no right or wrong answer. 

When my dad was alive he wanted me to go to another funeral for a cousin because he wanted to show me off to his family 

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I'm not going to go to my "father"s" funeral once he goes because I'm not going to pretend he's some wonderful man.  And I'm not going to disrupt the service by being honest when people ask me about him.

If you two had a good relationship recently and you want to honor him, go.  But don't feel like you need to answer to anyone else who's present.

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Firstly, sorry for your loss.

If you believe that going to the funeral is the way to go, why not bring reinforcements to ward off pesky family members? Is there a friend or acquaintance who could accompany you to the funeral? No need to stay there for very long either unless you want to. And whatever happens, don't take the bait.

You do whatever you feel is best during this time.

 

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

I just want to affirm for you that none of this is your fault nor makes you any less worthy of love and validation. Not what your dad chose, not what your siblings are choosing, not what your mom chose. You are precious and worthwhile in your own right. You matter too. 

Love this!

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I'm sorry for your loss.

Since you grew close to your father during the last months of his life, if you wish to pay your last respects to him, then attend the funeral especially if it's local and doesn't require long distance travel. 

You don't have to fear your siblings.  Simply behave in a peaceful yet distant manner and you will be fine.  Make your presence brief and then leave. 

I'm not you.  However, if it were me and my father never contributed towards any financial child support whatsoever, I highly doubt I would attend his funeral.  I don't forgive and forget easily.  I'm not you though. 

If you're uncomfortable and stressed over the funeral, then perhaps it's better to prevent unpleasant situations and encounters.   Personally, if I can avoid dicey situations, I don't place myself in uncomfortable atmospheres in the first place but that's just me.

 

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You cannot let anyone determine if you go to his last event.  You take a moment and decide.  You can always go after and say your  goodbye.  Do it for you not for him don’t t let this burn you.  Don’t have regrets and don’t let the family decide for you, you have every right to go and you have every reason not to go!   

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19 hours ago, rchubn said:

When my dad was alive he wanted me to go to another funeral for a cousin because he wanted to show me off to his family 

I'm not sure if you had more to that sentence. 

There is no right or wrong answer to this and you are certainly not obligated to go an event if it makes you feel low or upset. This is a very personal decision. 

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