Jump to content

Ex is in a long-term rebound relationship, will it last?


Recommended Posts

5 hours ago, Kevin II said:

My fear is that it wasn’t as important to her as she said it was, like it all meant nothing, or I get people saying she’s an addict and she’s putting a Band-Aid on it as quickly as possible.

Do you believe the relationship was important to you? What was she to you? Some reflection here is needed.

You're placing so much importance on what she thinks or what she does, reel that back in and think more about what the relationship meant to you. If it meant a great deal to you and you know you've done everything you can as a partner then let go. You know what you put into it and you also know that she's entitled to walk away from it. 

She doesn't owe you anything anymore and vice versa. If she's rebounding then let her. She's entitled to that too as well as genuine happiness with someone else.

I'd start healing and repairing what you think of the relationship. Your relationship wasn't moot or invalid just because it ended the way it did. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you believe the relationship was important to you? What was she to you? Some reflection here is needed.

You're placing so much importance on what she thinks or what she does, reel that back in and think more about what the relationship meant to you. If it meant a great deal to you and you know you've done everything you can as a partner then let go. You know what you put into it and you also know that she's entitled to walk away from it. 

She doesn't owe you anything anymore and vice versa. If she's rebounding then let her. She's entitled to that too as well as genuine happiness with someone else.

I'd start healing and repairing what you think of the relationship. Your relationship wasn't moot or invalid just because it ended the way it did. 

Yes you are right. But, it was so devious the way she handled it and how she screamed and yelled at me when she was lying and I questioned her… I didn’t go into the details of how bad it was but what I’m getting at is, I don’t think she deserves happiness. I don’t think she deserves to get married or have kids and I don’t think she is a good person, and she deserves loneliness and unhappiness in my opinion. Of course feeling that way is only hurting me and I realize that. I try to put logic before emotions but I can’t help the way I feel.

I’ve just got to get to the point where I don’t care but I can’t imagine just forgetting it all and not caring. I really am putting in the effort I just have bad days

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think part of the problem is that you are being fed way too much information about her and her new relationship. And it keeps you stuck and in comparison-mode. 

You have got to cut that off at the source. The more time and space you have away from her (including any mention of her by third parties), the easier this will get. 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems like you never processed your divorce, since you started dating while separated and now that your band-aid is gone, the whole thing is hitting you like a tsunami.

This women was a distraction. Young enough to be your daughter, hot, full of fun and red flags. But realistically, she wanted out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you never processed your divorce, since you started dating while separated and now that your band-aid is gone, the whole thing is hitting you like a tsunami.

This women was a distraction. Young enough to be your daughter, hot, full of fun and red flags. But realistically, she wanted out.

 

No in North Carolina you have to be separated for an entire year before you get divorced. We broke up years before but stayed together in the same house because of the kids. I hear what you’re saying but that was long over. I mean I guess she’s old enough to be my daughter if I was having kids at 17 but I had my kids at 33 and 37

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Yes you are right. But, it was so devious the way she handled it and how she screamed and yelled at me when she was lying and I questioned her… I didn’t go into the details of how bad it was but what I’m getting at is, I don’t think she deserves happiness. I don’t think she deserves to get married or have kids and I don’t think she is a good person, and she deserves loneliness and unhappiness in my opinion. Of course feeling that way is only hurting me and I realize that. I try to put logic before emotions but I can’t help the way I feel.

I’ve just got to get to the point where I don’t care but I can’t imagine just forgetting it all and not caring. I really am putting in the effort I just have bad days

You can't control how you feel only the reactions.  Feeling angry is a feeling - it's fine.  You're not reacting by hurting her of course so it's fine to feel your feelings.  Trying to force yourself not to feel something doesn't work and isn't healthy -you can only control your reactions to feeling.  No effort needed to "forget" - simply live your life through healthy actions as much as possible and the feelings will fade into the periphery over time.  Also understand that people can change.  So if she acted in a deceitful way she can choose to act in a different way in a different relationship.  And you wouldn't know if that is so as she is in your past and you are not in contact with her.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Yes you are right. But, it was so devious the way she handled it and how she screamed and yelled at me when she was lying and I questioned her… I didn’t go into the details of how bad it was but what I’m getting at is, I don’t think she deserves happiness. I don’t think she deserves to get married or have kids and I don’t think she is a good person, and she deserves loneliness and unhappiness in my opinion. Of course feeling that way is only hurting me and I realize that. I try to put logic before emotions but I can’t help the way I feel.

I’ve just got to get to the point where I don’t care but I can’t imagine just forgetting it all and not caring. I really am putting in the effort I just have bad days

Let the bad days pass then and look forward to brighter ones. If you're still continuing to get information about her from third parties or on social media, that will have to stop. You'll want to make better decisions in the way you move forward otherwise it never happens. People don't miraculously get over break ups and divorces. It takes work and conscious effort to keep removing negative influences and change the way we think. If it means doing things differently, that's what it takes.

Start living your life with more purpose if you feel it lacks purpose also. This means finding more reasons to get up and start your day and even dedicating yourself to something more worthy instead of the happiness of someone else, a woman or person.

It's ok to feel angry and as if someone doesn't deserve happiness but I'd resist going too far down that road because it's no longer any of your business what kind of life that person is living. I fully believe in things coming full circle and time taking care of everything - without your hand in anything or you having any say. You need to accept also when you yourself have brought out the worst in someone else and that person doesn't want to be with you or chooses to be with someone else, regardless of how ugly the fall out was. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Your happiness does not depend on their unhappiness.  But I think you know this.

How you feel today isn't how you'll feel forever, even if it seems like it now. But it's vital you stop actively trying to seek information about her and her relationship, and it's vital to cut off anyone who tries to upset you by tattling to you about what she's doing.

You have children, so focus on them.  Children are such a gift, and they always have a way of making everything better.  

BTW, my ex treated me horribly and ended up dumping me (via email!) for one of the women he was cheating on me with.  I don't know if they're still together over 10 years later, but I do know they were together for at least 7-8 years after he dumped me.  I left him in the past where he belongs.  I also stopped spending time with his family and friends as they were a constant reminder.  It helped tremendously to just get him and his completely out of my life.

Edited by boltnrun
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Update, well, she’s back in town for the entire summer, basically going through the exact same plans we made with each other, but with him. She’s off of grad school for the summer and living with him. How do I know?

I took my daughter to an all-ages concert and out of nowhere I turned around and my ex and her new cheating boyfriend walked straight towards me. I didn’t notice him but I looked straight in her eye for five seconds and she ran past me to get up to him, she was terrified, and then when leaving I saw her in the bar area as plain as day and locked eyes with her for a few seconds. Awful. 

My daughter didn’t want to tell me but, she spoke to her for 30 minutes and they had a tearful conversation of closure, which I’m glad they had but, my other kids found out and want to know when she’s coming to see them.

Two days before this happened, my ex reached out to me to apologize profusely over and over again. And now I let emotions take over and we set up a day for her to come see my other kids and for us to meet face-to-face to apologize and forgive.

Part of me wants to closure but I’m really thinking about canceling but my kids will be devastated.

I just can’t get over the fact that they are still together. If it was anyone else I would literally shake the guy’s hand and wish him well. They got back together two weeks after we cut each other off back in October. She had cut him off out of guilt about a month and a half before then and literally couldn’t make it matter of weeks.

Is this something I should continue to hold over her head? I just can’t believe that she thinks it’s OK to date this guy after all the pain they caused me. Or is it OK and just none of my business?

I just can’t get past it. And now they’re in the same ***ing hometown with me and I’m gonna see them all summer probably. That’s one reason we kind of wanna bury the hatchet is so we don’t have to just play this game of hiding from each other every time we see each other. I don’t know.

I know I’m doing all the wrong things. And I still cry every day.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Meeting in person won't likely result in her dumping that guy and coming back to you.  It'll just hurt more when that doesn't happen.

It's not necessary to meet in person.  You can explain to your kids that while she was important to you previously, you two are no longer friends and they won't be seeing her anymore.  They'll be fine as long as they have your love and support.

And no, you don't have the right to hold anything over her head.  How exactly do you plan to do this?  By sending her messages?  Berating her when you see her in public?  No, neither of those things are productive or helpful.  If you don't forgive her that's fine and understandable but you can't go around castigating her forever.  It's healthier to tell yourself to let her go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You’re right and we don’t keep in touch normally but what I’m saying is she doesn’t deserve to see my kids or to be my friend as long as she’s with him. That’s my thought.

definitely don’t want her back

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Kevin II said:

but what I’m saying is she doesn’t deserve to see my kids or to be my friend as long as she’s with him.

Then why on earth are you doing things like this?

2 hours ago, Kevin II said:

we set up a day for her to come see my other kids and for us to meet face-to-face to apologize and forgive.

No. Cancel this. It's not necessary or appropriate, in my opinion. You are responsible for explaining to your kids what this break-up means, and why they won't be seeing her anymore. This should not be done together with her, because they will get excited to see her and then have their hopes dashed when they realize she's just going to turn around and leave again. Don't put them on your emotional roller coaster. 

2 hours ago, Kevin II said:

I just can’t believe that she thinks it’s OK to date this guy after all the pain they caused me. Or is it OK and just none of my business?

This. Yes, it hurts and you don't approve. But you can't change it. She has the right to date whomever she wants. Your endorsement is not needed. 

2 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Is this something I should continue to hold over her head?

In what sense? How are you going to hold this over her head when she's not part of your life anymore? 

2 hours ago, Kevin II said:

That’s one reason we kind of wanna bury the hatchet

It's not going to work. You are going to wind up even more hurt when she still doesn't want to reconcile. You have to bury your own hatchet here and start to make peace with this break-up. It's understandable that you are hurt and struggling. But seeing her is not going to ease your pain. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Is this something I should continue to hold over her head? I just can’t believe that she thinks it’s OK to date this guy after all the pain they caused me. Or is it OK and just none of my business?

I just can’t get past it. And now they’re in the same ***ing hometown with me and I’m gonna see them all summer probably.

 

Pull yourself together as best you can. Your children are likely feeding off your emotional state and distressed because you are distressed. She is absolutely entitled to date anyone she wants and it’s no longer any of your business. As painful as it is consider all ties cut. Don’t include your children in closure and reinforce that there is no need for that. They’re reacting more to you and the way you’re handling this.

Be respectful of your ex’s wishes no matter how badly it turned out. In the end she is not the woman for you and you’re now free and single to find someone more compatible with you. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK thanks everyone but let me just say, the closer is just to play with her one more time on the trampoline and have fun because they never got that chance. I’m not gonna be talking to her in front of them that’s for sure, we were planning on just having a five minute discussion because she is the one that is wanting to apologize to me. She is the one that is wanting to be on good terms and have closure and I finally relented

Somehow I think this is all going to make me feel better but I don’t know, I just can’t get past what she did to me But I know I have to forgive her and let it go in order for me to move on

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Kevin II said:

OK thanks everyone but let me just say, the closer is just to play with her one more time on the trampoline and have fun because they never got that chance. I’m not gonna be talking to her in front of them that’s for sure, we were planning on just having a five minute discussion because she is the one that is wanting to apologize to me. She is the one that is wanting to be on good terms and have closure and I finally relented

Somehow I think this is all going to make me feel better but I don’t know, I just can’t get past what she did to me But I know I have to forgive her and let it go in order for me to move on

The next step is proper boundaries so even after you meet with her and she apologizes to her heart's content, be mindful of your own boundaries so that you protect your children and yourself from further issues and implications. This woman cheated on you and she's now expecting you to be friendly with her. While it helps being mature and civil, it doesn't mean that you need to be on friendly terms with her. You decide where your boundaries lie and take care of yourself. You taking care of yourself means you also commit to taking care of your kids and being a good father to them.

She has to move on also and learn not to expect anything further from you so that you're not in limbo feeling like you owe one another anything else after the break up. Eventually you'll meet someone new or at least try to think of restarting your life over without the additional baggage of your ex in the background.

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Kevin II said:

the closer is just to play with her one more time on the trampoline and have fun because they never got that chance.

This seems completely unnecessary.

You need to have some boundaries here, and do more to keep your kids out of the drama. They will be fine if they don't get to jump on a trampoline with your cheating ex. Putting them through "one final" chance to play with her is not right and will leave them confused. 

Stop putting your kids in the middle of this. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Kevin II said:

She is the one that is wanting to be on good terms and have closure and I finally relented

You know, after my last fiasco, I did realized one thing about closures. They are overrated. For example, she really doesnt feel bad for cheating. After all, she found hapiness in other guy. She feels bad because she turned out to be a bad guy. If she cared about you (and subsequently your kids) she wouldnt do what she did. Or left you. She just wants her clean concience and for her to be better. This has nothing to do with your feelings, its only about her. And as such, you are not obliged to give that satisfaction to her.

Find closure within yourself. That means that you need to accept that its over. To make peace for yourself and move on. You dont need her fake tears and apologies, you dont need to see her or hear from her, and you especially dont need to drag your kids into all that. What if they ask when they can see her again? Its just too messy and it only hinders you from moving forward. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...