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Ex is in a long-term rebound relationship, will it last?


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hi everyone I’m new here.

Yes I know the real answer is, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t affect me because we have broken up and she’s not a part of my life.

We were together for two years and were going to get married and it was like a passionate Hollywood love story and the honeymoon phase went on for like basically a year and a half or more. we were as in love as two people could possibly be. She spent the entire relationship telling me that she would never cheat on me, and then she cheated on me very badly, three times in a row in a three week period with the same guy.

Because my emotions were all over the place, we got back in touch once she left town about a month after the break up, and for about 15 days we talked every day just because we still loved each other, it was a big mistake but, she went into great detail about how he was a total rebound and didn’t measure up to me and then she began to tell me that she was still in love with me, and I do believe her, I do believe she was still in love with me at the time based on several things but, we actually tried to meet up and spend a couple of weekends together which, of course, was a bad mistake, and two days after telling me that she loved me, she said she didn’t have any feelings for me. So her behavior had  not ended, and I cut her off for good on October 13.

By Halloween she was back together with this guy, it was long distance. He lives in North Carolina and she lives in Brooklyn, and now they are apparently getting married and are totally in love. They have been dating long distance for about six months and have seen each other around 23 or 24 times in a six month period.

If it was with any other guy I would wish her well, and people question me about that but it’s true, it’s the fact that it’s this guy that makes me just wanna puke. It’s a total rebound relationship and on top of that it’s a long distance rebound relationship. What do you think the chances are of this thing lasting?

Plus how could she love me and get back with somebody just days later? If she was in love with me like she said? I couldn’t even think about being with another woman for like six months. How could she possibly have loved me like she said she did and it’s so easy for her to latch onto somebody else. I truly believe she’s just filling the void because she is alone up there and doesn’t know anyone. she was totally devastated and totally apologetic after we broke up.

I’ve gotten off social media and everything and erased it from my mind for the most part, but sometimes I have days like this where I just get so upset. I feel like they don’t deserve to succeed because the relationship is built on the tears of myself and my kids. I can’t even find hardly any info on long-distance rebound relationships because I guess they’re very rare and probably for a reason. What are the chances of this thing working out? 

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I have a friend. He dated his ex for 5+ years. Relationship wasnt perfect, heck, it was the definition of "toxic" from both sides. One time we were all out in town, they started arguing in front of everyone there and she literally kicked him. Anyway, friend loses a long time job as his company was downsizing. And shortly after that, girl cheats on him. With his colleague no less. Friend went insane, I never saw anyone losing the plot that much after break up. Anyway, the reason why I am telling you the story is that his ex did marry the guy she cheated with. They have 2 kids together now. So, take it as it is, it happens.

Your problem is that you still havent come to acceptance. That point where you simply dont care what and who the other side is doing. As you shouldnt. She wronged you and what she did was bad. So, you should simply not care for somebody like that. You are at "barganing stage". Where you still think how the other guy is rebound and she will come back to you. She wont. And you shouldnt even want somebody like that back. Heck, you should be opening a beer and thanking the stars somebody like that didnt end up with you. But, all in due time. You will slowly get to acceptance stage as most people do.

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Posted (edited)

I empathize with you on your pain and frustration. There’s a lot to digest here. First and foremost, neither me nor anyone else can give you a realistic or semi accurate percentage chance her “rebound” will work. As you mentioned, it doesn’t matter. One of the hardest things we have to do after a breakup is check our ego at the door. Your ego is causing you to obsess on this “rebound” relationship and, in particular, this guy she rebounded to. You’re taking the right steps in pulling out of social media and focusing on positive, controllable ventures in your own life. The process of breakups and healing isn’t linear. You have good days and bad days, and when you catch yourself Googling whether your ex’s rebound will succeed, chalk that up to a bad day and focus on moving forward. 

It’s tough, but you’re a parent from what I read so you have much more important things in life to devote attention to than someone who cheated on you multiple times. She told you she loved you but I doubt she really did. Or maybe she thought she did but after the fleeting moments back with you, she realized the feelings really weren’t there. Again, doesn’t matter. 

I’m curious, why did she have to spend your entire relationship telling you she’d never cheat? I feel like if you have to continually remind me you’re never going to cheat on me, that person is either trying to ease my massive insecurity or they have a history of cheating in previous relationships. 

Edited by kctiger
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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, kctiger said:

 

I’m curious, why did she have to spend your entire relationship telling you she’d never cheat? I feel like if you have to continually remind me you’re never going to cheat on me, that person is either trying to ease my massive insecurity or they have a history of cheating in previous relationships. 

Well she didn’t have to. I’ve just suffered a lot of loss in my life. My mother and brother both committed suicide but oddly enough I live a normal life. So she knows I have this thing where I think everybody’s going to leave. I mean she didn’t say it in response, she would just say it to reassure me I think.

And I don’t want to get back with her, let me just get that straight. I am very lucky and I dodged a bullet, and I always have great memories of the two years we were together. I just want to see them fail. They both hatched a devious plan and I want them to hurt like I did. Not good thinking of course. And like I said I have mostly great days but sometimes I do have days like this still. I focus on my kids and my other relationships in my life.

 

Edited by Kevin II
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2 minutes ago, Kevin II said:

And like I said I have mostly great days but sometimes I do have days like this still. I focus on my kids and my other relationships in my life.

 

You’re human man. I’m about 4 months into a breakup and I’ll be the first to tell you that there continue to be really hellish days peppered into my life. We’ve all been there and I’m glad you found this forum. This website is like free therapy for folks going through the very raw emotion of differing life events. 

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Cheating isn't a "mistake".  It's a choice, a choice she made more than once.  Then she cheated on her new boyfriend with you.  Yes, it does "count" because he likely thought as you did, that she loved him and would never even consider being with anyone else.

This woman is a serial cheater and a serial monogamist (without the monogamy, unfortunately).  She is a monkey brancher who apparently can't stand to be single.

The poster above is right, you dodged a huge bullet.  She would have had affairs.  You would have been even more hurt, as would your kids.  Plus you'd have to deal with the legalities of a divorce.

I know it does hurt, especially when infidelity is involved.  But this woman is not right for you.  The pain you're feeling now would have tripled had you two married.

Give yourself permission to be hurt and angry because it's really OK to feel those things.  But soon enough you'll get tired of feeling bad and will start to feel like yourself again.

I do caution you...when she contacts you (and she will...these types always circle back because they believe their conquests can never get over them), do NOT allow her to suck you back in.  I don't care what she does, what stories she tells you or how much mind blowing sex she offers you.  Or what pics she sends you or what sad messages she sends, or how many times she declares she loves you and only you.  She is a lying cheater.  In fact, consider saving her number in your phone as "Lying Cheater" or if that's too much, as "No Don't".  She will hurt you even more if you allow her to.  Don't let her.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks everybody. I’m never going to get back with her I think what hurts the most is that she is a terrible person. Or at least did terrible things. I didn’t think she was capable and I’m still in shock 9 months later. Still in shock. I still can’t believe that she did it. She was in a terrible spot when we got together and said that I brought her back to life and made her the person she is today and that she was dead inside before. She would have separation anxiety whenever we weren’t together. I just don’t see how somebody can get with another person so quickly after such a serious relationship. It was great too, It wasn’t toxic and we didn’t really start having problems until the very end

Edited by Kevin II
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4 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Plus how could she love me and get back with somebody just days later? If she was in love with me like she said?

Well, to be very honest, it's because she wasn't in love with you like this she said. Not anymore. 

I know that hurts, but it's the truth. Someone who loves and respects you isn't going to cheat on you - and especially not several times in a row. You are in a lot of denial but that's rather normal when the truth is still too painful to accept. 

Whether or not things work out with her new boyfriend actually isn't all that relevant. I say that because you two wouldn't work out either. She doesn't feel the same way about you any longer, or she never would have done what she did. There's really no coming back from that. 

It sucks, but you need to cut her off forever. You already know way too much about their relationship and that won't help you heal. She's not a decent person, OP, and you don't need her in your life in any capacity. 

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I get it's hard to stop caring, to not feel the pain she caused. To compare yourself to him, and wonder how and what does he have that makes her so into him and not you.

Ask yourself in reality, why do you care how they workout? Obviously, it's because you wanted that to be you. I get it... but she isn't your problem anymore. In fact, great chance their relationship goes down in flames too. If she can do it to you, she sure as shizz can do it to him too. In fact, she probably will. Or, heck he may come to realize she was willing to cheat with him, who says he isn't next?

End of the day. completely block yourself of her life. Do not know any of it, at all. 

Time, it's what you need, to heal. Keep busy, workout, new hobbies, travel, hang with friends. Eventually you won't give a crap what she's doing. She could be sleeping in a tent under a highway for all you care. But it takes time and you must completely distance yourself from her entirely. 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Kevin II said:

The relationship is built on the tears of myself and my kids. 

Sorry this happened. How old is she?

Did you have children together or do you mean your children from a previous relationship? How is your relationship with your children's mother? How long after your breakup from your children's mother did you two get together?

Did you live together?  It seems like the relationship was falling apart after the honeymoon period wore off.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You dodged a bullet, she seems rather flakey.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, Kevin II said:

Ex is in a long-term rebound relationship, will it last?

Yes I know the real answer is, it doesn’t matter....

So then, you're looking for fictitious answers?

Well, good--that's all anyone can offer, anyway.

So why not invent an answer that best serves you in your own healing, and stick with it? 

 

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You may not be in that space yet and I do empathize but I tend to look at this with humour, albeit a little twisted.

If she’s so terrible perhaps her choice of partner is no different and they are well-matched. I like to wish others peace and joy because there’s often so little of it in dysfunctional relationships. ☺️

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10 hours ago, Kevin II said:

I just want to see them fail. They both hatched a devious plan and I want them to hurt like I did.

I discovered that the Universe has a tendency to not be kind to those kind of persons. So you should not wish ill as, in most cases, those kind of people do get it rough on their own. 

So, look for your own piece. The fact that you wish them ill is proving that you are still not at "acceptance". Because again, you shouldnt care about them at all at the end.

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10 hours ago, Kevin II said:

 I’m still in shock 9 months later. 

What were the problems? Bitterness serves you no purpose. While you were having problems she was checking out and preparing to move on. It sounds like the problems were an impasse. 

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10 hours ago, Kevin II said:

She was in a terrible spot when we got together and said that I brought her back to life and made her the person she is today and that she was dead inside before. She would have separation anxiety whenever we weren’t together. I just don’t see how somebody can get with another person so quickly after such a serious relationship.

Because it wasn't a serious relationship in a healthy way. It was you rescuing a damsel in distress, the damsel got clingy then got confident again.  Once she was confident again she realized she wanted to spread her wings so to speak and didn't like the memory of herself as broken and clingy -your very existence reminds her of that.  So she made bad, opposite extreme choices because she was too cowardly to be honest with you and end things first.  

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11 hours ago, Kevin II said:

I think what hurts the most is that she is a terrible person. Or at least did terrible things. I didn’t think she was capable and I’m still in shock 9 months later. Still in shock. I still can’t believe that she did it.

11 hours ago, Kevin II said:

I just want to see them fail. They both hatched a devious plan and I want them to hurt like I did. Not good thinking of course.

Understandable--that's your wounded ego talking. What you are going through is natural. You'll know you're fully past this betrayal when you no longer care about either of them. One day, you'll think about them and feel nothing. It will happen, in time!!

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14 hours ago, Kevin II said:

By Halloween she was back together with this guy, it was long distance. He lives in North Carolina and she lives in Brooklyn, and now they are apparently getting married and are totally in love. They have been dating long distance for about six months and have seen each other around 23 or 24 times in a six month period.

Also, the fact that you know so many details about their relationship is a bit concerning.  Either you've been closely scrutinizing their social media, you somehow have access to her messages or you've been questioning someone who knows her very well.  All of which result in the opposite of moving forward and getting past your pain.

It's important to completely let go.  No more trying to glean or obtain details about her relationship with this man.  It's like pulling off a scab; the wound will not heal properly if you keep reopening it.

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is she?

Did you have children together or do you mean your children from a previous relationship? How is your relationship with your children's mother? How long after your breakup from your children's mother did you two get together?

Did you live together?  It seems like the relationship was falling apart after the honeymoon period wore off.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You dodged a bullet, she seems rather flakey.

 

Well, she’s 17 years younger than me and probably the hottest woman I’ve ever seen in my life. But very insecure. We started dating I was 44 and she was 27. I turned 47 in February and she turned 30. We were both Pisces

I had three children from a previous marriage who she loved so much and they loved her too. She was great with them. We started dating about a year and a half after the separation followed by the divorce.

About six months in, she told me she was a heroin addict for about seven years. She had been clean for about 2 1/2 years when we started dating and remains clean.

But she was incredibly insecure and felt lots of guilt from that whole time, and I know for a fact she feels, or felt, lots of guilt about how we ended. In our brief friendly reconciliation, she apologized profusely over and over again but she left some really bad details out that I found out recently:  that’s why this is all coming back into my mind. The cheating was worse than I thought. 

My relationship with my children’s mother is fine but she was always extremely jealous about anything and everything. That’s what’s shocking she was kind of always afraid I would do something like this, and then she did it. She was very nurturing because she knows about the loss that I suffered and how much it affects me.

I have my kids every other week so, after about six months together I started living with her in her house every other week so I guess we lived together probably 70% of the time because she would spend some nights over here with the kids as well. We acted as if we were a family.

It feels like she died, those are the emotions I’ve gone through. I have not seen her in over 8 months. 

Edited by Kevin II
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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Also, the fact that you know so many details about their relationship is a bit concerning.  Either you've been closely scrutinizing their social media, you somehow have access to her messages or you've been questioning someone who knows her very well.  All of which result in the opposite of moving forward and getting past your pain.

It's important to completely let go.  No more trying to glean or obtain details about her relationship with this man.  It's like pulling off a scab; the wound will not heal properly if you keep reopening it.

Number one and number three, but towards the end I started going through her phone because I knew something was going on. I’m not proud of that. And yes I have finally done that but unfortunately, a friend came up and told me this info so now I’ve had to tell my friends not to talk to me about her at all.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What were the problems? Bitterness serves you no purpose. While you were having problems she was checking out and preparing to move on. It sounds like the problems were an impasse. 

 

She was going to finally go to grad school and she was going to go around here but her family lives in New York, we lived in North Carolina. But she was insistent that she go to school down here and we get married but then as a back up, she got accepted all the schools in New York that she didn’t think she would be accepted to, so she wanted to do long distance and I told her it would never work, but we planned on doing it anyway.

All of the family members were very close it was really like we were married. But I think the pressure of her leaving really built up. We found out in March and broke up in July/August, nothing was the same after we found out she was leaving. Lots of pressure and bickering began around May. It wasn’t really built to last I guess, but we thought our love would overcome everything. we had overcome lots of obstacles before. We both had attachment issues and hated being away from each other. 

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because it wasn't a serious relationship in a healthy way. It was you rescuing a damsel in distress, the damsel got clingy then got confident again.  Once she was confident again she realized she wanted to spread her wings so to speak and didn't like the memory of herself as broken and clingy -your very existence reminds her of that.  So she made bad, opposite extreme choices because she was too cowardly to be honest with you and end things first.  

A lot of this is true and she admitted that. Except her being confident again, she was never confident. She thanked me for enriching her life and making her a more informed and well-rounded person and giving her the courage to access her personality and her confidence. It’s kind of like Frankenstein’s monster in a weird way.

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1 hour ago, Kevin II said:

A lot of this is true and she admitted that. Except her being confident again, she was never confident. She thanked me for enriching her life and making her a more informed and well-rounded person and giving her the courage to access her personality and her confidence. It’s kind of like Frankenstein’s monster in a weird way.

It's all interesting what she said and sounds like she wanted to walk away in an amicable way.

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17 hours ago, Kevin II said:

By Halloween she was back together with this guy, it was long distance. He lives in North Carolina and she lives in Brooklyn, and now they are apparently getting married and are totally in love. They have been dating long distance for about six months and have seen each other around 23 or 24 times in a six month period.

First off - how do YOU know these exact times she has been with him?

Also.. do you see a pattern here?

She seems somewhat unstable if you ask me.. She was with you & the mention of 'marriage'?  Sounds like the same thing is happening with this guy too. ( and it has only been within them dating 6 months??)  Odd.

I'm wondering if she's got a track record of doing this with men she gets involved with?  Sets them up really good then slams 'em down hard 😕 .

...

Nothing really anyone can do or say about HER behaviour, except the fact that you need to accept her toxicity & recover from it all...

Maybe, in time, as you sit back & observe all of this, you may come to realize how messed up it really was. Eg, the 'talk' of love.  Right, if someone does truly love you they will try, they will be there for you..with you. 

To mess around with someone repeatedly, go back to you, say it was some sort of rebound, only to go back again to this other guy is messed up... She is not for real.

Not sure how much you really know of her past, maybe she's always been this way? ( unable to 'commit' or something?).  Maybe she's got a track record of using people?

Either way, once you recover from this experience, you may see all of this in a different light and be glad she's gone!  No one wants a liar, a cheat and a user in their lives.

Anyways, I am sorry for you pains.. yes, always hurts to lose someone you really came to 'feel for'!  Been there a few times.

I always say, we live, we learn, so this has been a learning experience for you, eh?

 

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4 hours ago, Kevin II said:

unfortunately, a friend came up and told me this info so now I’ve had to tell my friends not to talk to me about her at all.

Yeah, that's not a friend.  That's someone who deliberately told you something they knew would hurt you.  Not a very nice thing to do.  Is this "friend" jealous of you or something?  I'd definitely reconsider that friendship.

A relationship that begins with one party being considerably younger, dependent AND insecure was bound to have an expiration date.  She went away on her own and found she liked it.  She grew up, in essence.  And you were already grown up so you weren't at a point where you were going to "change".  Not like she did.

Unfortunately she seems to think growing up means lying and cheating and deception.  So far she doesn't seem to be growing into a person you'd want to be tied to in a legal way.

When you're ready, I'd recommend doing things differently with the next woman you get involved with.  Choose someone who isn't recovering from such severe damage.

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Posted (edited)

I appreciate everybody’s replies, they do help. I don’t know why I just have this feeling that won’t go away that I can’t move on until they are broken up. So unhealthy.

I just can’t imagine feeling that way about anybody ever again. She said the same thing over and over again after we broke up.

And then a week later she’s hooked onto this ***. It’s like I get two answers from people. My fear is that it wasn’t as important to her as she said it was, like it all meant nothing, or I get people saying she’s an addict and she’s putting a Band-Aid on it as quickly as possible. I almost want to just avoid getting in relationships because I don’t know if I can take this again.

Yes we were coming to an end and we should’ve broken up and we actually had an exit plan all planned out and everything because I wouldn’t feel right having her move to New York as a young woman in grad school in Brooklyn and be tied down to some older guy down here. I always felt guilty about that but she insisted.  

It’s just that she broke my heart literally in a span of three weeks. We had an amazing Fourth of July and reconnected so tightly with each other and were talking about how great it was that we feel felt reborn as a couple, and by July 23 she was ***ing him. It’s horrible. 

Edited by Kevin II
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