She says there is no sexual chemistry between us after recent incident- can it be fixed or is it all over?

[husikr27]

This quite a long story so will attempt to keep this short as possible, I 24 (M) have been seeing this person 22 (F) for around 11 months now. Initially there was sexual chemistry between us but we had a major argument 2 months into seeing each other, this resulted in her saying she could not get aroused around me. Since then we have been seeing each other very frequently, we get on have the emotional connection. However she cannot commit to me as she says there is little sexual chemistry between us, she is a virgin so has never been sexually active but has a very high sex drive she masturbates 3/4 times a day. We have seen each other countless of times and have no problems with anything else. Having never been in this situation before as a guy I didn't know what to do and how to fix it and kind of just went on hoping things would be fixed.

Recently, she attempted to create and see if there was any sexual chemistry between us by sending me pictures over texts. I did not acknowledge the pictures which she sent me and instead got off and masturbated to the pictures without even attempting to sext and get her to orgasm. This as a result has made her say she is not sexually attracted to me at all and feels repulsed that she does not want me to touch her anymore. As we have not been officially together during this time she has been speaking to other guys, she has stated that she has more sexual chemistry with this other guy than she has with me who she is also speaking to at the minute.

Everything else with me is fine, we get on and have the emotional connection but she has stated the reason she cannot commit to being with me is the lack of sexual chemistry. She said following the recent incident that as I have been sexually active in the past she had better expectations from me and is really disappointed.

We have spoke about ending this but she isn't sure, everything else with us fine. We get on and connect on every other level. Is there anyway back from this latest incident? As to why I didn't attempt to even acknowledge her after she sent me the pictures of her. I am not quite sure, recently my sexual drive has been very low whereas hers is very high even tho she is a virgin. Whilst she send me the pictures I also had porn on at the same time as I wanted to try increase my sex drive due to it being very low recently. This isn't something which I have told her about, due to the fact we are not sexually active. However she has made clear in the past few days she can no longer keep herself a virgin for much longer but could not see herself having sex with me after this recent incident.

I am in love with her and haven't felt this way about any other girl and she does like me also but this is such a big thing and I am wondering is there anything I can do to recover from this situation or is it doomed to fail? I am not too fussed about her speaking to other guys as I completely trust her.

I am not unhappy with the current situation, but having never been in this situation before as a guy I am not quite sure what to do?

 

[smackie9]

In not so many words but....she is saying she doesn't want to give up her virginity to you. So this is as far as she is willing to go here. 

[limichelle]

Move on.

 

Two simple words that will have you avoid further heartaches and headaches. 
 

No good can come from staying because she told you she doesn’t want sex with you and is planning on sleeping with other guys. 
 

You’ll only get further stringed along and it’s best to take her for her word become you can’t change her feelings on the matter. 
 

You both sound very incompatible. She also sounds very insecure by wanting the validation and then using it as a point of contention. 
 

This isn’t love it’s a cat and mouse game. Where you’re being kept on the back burner 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, husikr27 said:

I am not unhappy with the current situation, but having never been in this situation before as a guy I am not quite sure what to do?

You're not compatible. She is not ready for intercourse. Add to that the incompatibility ad basically you are wasting your time.

[MissCanuck]

This is one awkward mess. 

And yes, as the others said, it's also a waste of your time. You two are not at all sexually compatible. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, husikr27 said:

I did not acknowledge the pictures which she sent me and instead got off and masturbated to the pictures without even attempting to sext and get her to orgasm. This as a result has made her say she is not sexually attracted to me at all and feels repulsed that she does not want me to touch her anymore.

Honestly, she seems really off 😕 .

She's got numerous guys on the go by sounds of it and for this reason or that, she's just 'not that into you'... Then walk away!  Don't waste time on someone who's not all into YOU. - Sorry for such a disappointment.  Self respect.. remember that. 😉 

 

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, husikr27 said:

Initially there was sexual chemistry between us but we had a major argument 2 months into seeing each other, this resulted in her saying she could not get aroused around me.

What was this initial argument about? 

[DarkCh0c0]

Time to move on to a better fit.

You are sexually incompatible and she's using sex as some sort of treat she's withdrawing from you. "I give it to you BUT ... ".

You're wasting your time.

2 hours ago, husikr27 said:

has a very high sex drive she masturbates 3/4 times a day.

Fyi masturbating several times a day does not necessarily equal a high sex drive. Sex is a different act that involves two people... Unless she uses toys, and still.

Free yourself and find someone more balanced and sexually available/ready.

[wealthydior]

Move on from this awkward situation please. She is ready to have sex but not with you. She is clearly saying that she is not sexually attracted to you.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, limichelle said:

She also sounds very insecure by wanting the validation and then using it as a point of contention. 

This.

She is seeking validation. And than says how you rubbing one out to her pics is not the right way of validation. And that you are suppose to tell her how she is a Goddess or something. So than she could test you for sexual chemistry which has really nothing to do with that but a variety of other factors.

Even her reasons for staying there are flimsy. She seem to want you there orbiting. But doesnt want you sexually and admits she wants other guys. So you really have no reason to stay there after that confession. Plus it sounds that she just wants you there if other options dont work out.

[greendots]

I'm confounded. Honestly, sorry for what you're going through, but you deserve to be with a woman who doesn't rely on texting metrics to determine whether you guys are sexually suitable.

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

This.

She is seeking validation.

Say for example you hire a worker for a certain wage. The worker complains about the job all the time and says he interviewing at all these other companies for more pay.

Do you keep them employed or do you fire them. You could literally have found someone else who is more excited and capable of working for you, but your settling for this terrible worker and you have no sense of boundaries.

When people are unhappy in relationships it’s because they accept terrible behavior. You need to have enough self respect to realize that if someone you love is admitting they are talking to other people, then something is off...

[lostandhurt]

Wait what?  You had an argument 9 months ago and she lost all sexual attraction to you?  Really?

What was the argument about?  Just curious

 So for the past 9 months you have a girl in your life that is a friend, she is a girl so technically she is your gf but without the kind of intimacy she has cut out of the relationship she is nothing more than a female friend you are hoping will one day see you in a different light.

You have wasted 9 months of your life on her for more than just her reaction to an argument.

Time to cut ties with her and stop letting her use you as an emotional punching bag.  You are nothing more to her than a safety net and someone to keep her company while she looks for Mr right.

 Don't be that guy.  Time to sack up and tell her just friendship isn't for you and wish her well and then go NC and stick to it.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, husikr27 said:

not sexually attracted to me at all and feels repulsed

Strong statements, and all I'd need to walk away.

Don't you believe that you deserve better than this?

[poorlittlefish]

13 hours ago, husikr27 said:

Recently, she attempted to create and see if there was any sexual chemistry between us by sending me pictures over texts. I did not acknowledge the pictures which she sent me and instead got off and masturbated to the pictures without even attempting to sext and get her to orgasm.

Why on earth did you not acknowledge the photos she sent you?  She was trying to get something going and was hoping for a positive reaction, so probably felt really embarrassed and ashamed when she got radio silence.  I agree that you two are just not compatible, but I can see why that would have upset her.

[husikr27]

15 hours ago, limichelle said:

Move on.

 

Two simple words that will have you avoid further heartaches and headaches. 
 

No good can come from staying because she told you she doesn’t want sex with you and is planning on sleeping with other guys. 
 

You’ll only get further stringed along and it’s best to take her for her word become you can’t change her feelings on the matter. 
 

You both sound very incompatible. She also sounds very insecure by wanting the validation and then using it as a point of contention. 
 

This isn’t love it’s a cat and mouse game. Where you’re being kept on the back burner 

I guess this is the best thing to do to avoid any furthermore heartaches and headaches as you have pointed out.

13 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Honestly, she seems really off 😕 .

She's got numerous guys on the go by sounds of it and for this reason or that, she's just 'not that into you'... Then walk away!  Don't waste time on someone who's not all into YOU. - Sorry for such a disappointment.  Self respect.. remember that. 😉 

 

Yeh that is something I have probably really lost track of recently to be quite honest, I do need to remember that and rightly so. It happens you know these things and what are you saying is correct! 

 

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

What was this initial argument about? 

Initial argument was about me getting too 'clingy' which she didn't like and it turned her off massively. She asked for space due to going through some personal difficulties and I didn't quite it at the time. Not sure why I still carried on talking to her afterwards should have really stopped many months ago, just got sucked into thinking this could have worked out eventually one way or another. But it is better late than never to leave now.

 

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This.

She is seeking validation. And than says how you rubbing one out to her pics is not the right way of validation. And that you are suppose to tell her how she is a Goddess or something. So than she could test you for sexual chemistry which has really nothing to do with that but a variety of other factors.

Even her reasons for staying there are flimsy. She seem to want you there orbiting. But doesnt want you sexually and admits she wants other guys. So you really have no reason to stay there after that confession. Plus it sounds that she just wants you there if other options dont work out.

I never really thought of it this way until seeing how you summarised it now to be honest, reading these posts have been a real eye opener for me. She doesn't seem to want to break it off as you said but as you have just said I guess I am just there if other options don't work out.

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why on earth did you not acknowledge the photos she sent you?  She was trying to get something going and was hoping for a positive reaction, so probably felt really embarrassed and ashamed when she got radio silence.  I agree that you two are just not compatible, but I can see why that would have upset her.

I am not sure to be honest why I did that, don't really have an answer for that being honest it just kinda happened in the heat of the moment there and then. She say she did feel really embarrassed and what not. It does make sense why it would upset her.

 

Thanks for everyone's replies, I've got the picture from the replies of what I need to do. Having invested a lot of time in this person and for this to be like this it will be difficult but it is for the greater good for myself going forwards. So do appreciate all the words and the replies from everyone above, sorry I can't reply to you all. This has caused me a lot of tension and what not, but it is best for me to break off from this now. I guess you could say I have been foolish for hanging around as long as I have.

[Rose Mosse]

4 minutes ago, husikr27 said:

Initial argument was about me getting too 'clingy' which she didn't like and it turned her off massively. She asked for space due to going through some personal difficulties and I didn't quite it at the time. Not sure why I still carried on talking to her afterwards should have really stopped many months ago, just got sucked into thinking this could have worked out eventually one way or another. But it is better late than never to leave now.

I’m sorry to hear this. Sounds more like her personal issues led to deeper resentments spanning some time back, lack of trust and not enough communication.

You may have had one foot out the door for some time knowing she wasn’t very interested either. It limped along. 

I think regardless of how you feel now or the way things are it can only look up once she’s out of your life. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, husikr27 said:

Initial argument was about me getting too 'clingy' which she didn't like and it turned her off massively. She asked for space due to going through some personal difficulties and I didn't quite it at the time. Not sure why I still carried on talking to her afterwards should have really stopped many months ago, just got sucked into thinking this could have worked out eventually one way or another. But it is better late than never to leave now.

For me clinginess is always a turn off including for platonic friendship but I'm surprised it became an "argument" -last guy I dated before my future husband was very clingy and subjecting me to his insecurities the first 3 weeks of dating. I raised it.  He said he was aware, working on it in therapy, promised to change.  He did for about a week then reverted to clinginess.  Really good person and not a match for me because of the clinginess.  It really affected my attraction to him too (we hadn't had sex but that's not how I measure chemistry -my desire to kiss him, be close to him was all but snuffed out from his behavior).  I think if it was an argument it either shows she was misinterpreting you as clingy and/or you got defensive or both.  In all not a good match and I'm sorry.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, husikr27 said:

she is a virgin so

She may be saving "it" for someone special and you're not that for her. Or she believes in sex is for marriage or whatever. At any rate, the argument had nothing to do with any loss of "chemistry" or libido. She simply did not want to have sex with you or sex yet in general. By "clingy" she meant "controlling" and needy. 

[husikr27]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me clinginess is always a turn off including for platonic friendship but I'm surprised it became an "argument" -last guy I dated before my future husband was very clingy and subjecting me to his insecurities the first 3 weeks of dating. I raised it.  He said he was aware, working on it in therapy, promised to change.  He did for about a week then reverted to clinginess.  Really good person and not a match for me because of the clinginess.  It really affected my attraction to him too (we hadn't had sex but that's not how I measure chemistry -my desire to kiss him, be close to him was all but snuffed out from his behavior).  I think if it was an argument it either shows she was misinterpreting you as clingy and/or you got defensive or both.  In all not a good match and I'm sorry.

Yeh this was a big argument and we stopped speaking for 2/3 weeks and then we made up and just continued and speaking from there but this was many months ago. I mean since then we have kissed and what not but yeah I mean should have really ended it back then but just continued as we went on from there.

 

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She may be saving "it" for someone special and you're not that for her. Or she believes in sex is for marriage or whatever. At any rate, the argument had nothing to do with any loss of "chemistry" or libido. She simply did not want to have sex with you or sex yet in general. By "clingy" she meant "controlling" and needy. 

I think it was more the needy aspect and not controlling and that is something which I did become less overtime but nonetheless, for the sake of the both of us seeing as she is isn't sure to end which could be because she wants me to 'stick around'. It is time to end this for the both of us and we can just carry on our separate ways

[Rose Mosse]

What caused you to be “needy” in the relationship? Pay attention to that because you are probably picking partners that are incompatible right from the get-go, people who bring out the worst in you or whom you have little in common with. 

The point is learning where you went wrong and what your role was in this so patterns don’t repeat again.

[Capricorn3]

On 5/7/2022 at 4:57 AM, husikr27 said:

 This as a result has made her say she is not sexually attracted to me at all and feels repulsed that she does not want me to touch her anymore.

^ That would be your cue to walk away and never look back.  You two are incompatible. There is nothing there for you.  Move on.

[jazz_lover]

I think she is using you as some kind of safety net until she feels ready to take the leap and start sowing her wild oats (and she has already told you she doesn't see you as a sexual option). She is already lining up other prospects and eventually she will cut you loose. 

She is using these "incidents" as excuses. Trying to make out it is your fault that she is not sexually attracted to you. 

In my experience accusations of neediness generally arise when there is an imbalance in the relationship i.e. you are much more into her than she is into you. The dynamic arises because on a subconscious level you probably sensed her indifference and that made you seek reassurance and at the same time she feels pressure to return your interest/feelings and that makes her feel guilty and uncomfortable and smothered. 

You are in love with her. She is not in love with you. You want to have sex with her. She does not want to have sex with you. You need to walk away. 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

The dynamic arises because on a subconscious level you probably sensed her indifference and that made you seek reassurance and at the same time she feels pressure to return your interest/feelings and that makes her feel guilty and uncomfortable and smothered. 

Yes that can happen but I've also experienced someone acting clingy/needy just because that is their general approach not because I was acting indifferent or distant.  I think for future dating the OP might want to get to the bottom of why he made those choices.