My cousins adopted daughter

[Somme Onne]

I am 52 and she is 28 both adults who just happen to fell in love with one another. We are not blood related. She is my cousin's adopted daughter. 

My cousin lives in another country. I left that country when i barely turned 13 so i never really grew up with them. I first met her when my father passed away i went back to for my father's funeral. i was 32 at the time i saw my cousin again and she introduced me to her family it was a sad and not so sad day that day. Sad because i lost my dad and not so sad coz i was able to see my relatives again after almost 2 decades of not seeing them. And I think that was the first time that i saw her just a little kid. 

It wasn't until several years later when i went back there again for a vacation that i met them again. During my vacation i stayed with my cousin and her family. That's when i actually first talked to her. We just felt comfortable with each other like good buddies and we got to know one another and we kept in touch even after i left. 

One thing for sure i enjoyed that vacation so much that the following year i went back again. and that's when we got a little closer to one another it wasn't planned we just enjoyed each others company and even after my vacation we kept in touch messaging each other and video calling like best friends. We don't even know how it became us it just did we don't even have an anniversary date. 

As time goes by started questioning if we are doing the right thing. i guess we are because it felt right. We kept on telling ourselves that we are not related to one another we are only related because a paper says we are. We kept our relationship in secret even to this day afraid of what they will say and how we will be accepted by our family and friends.

It's been hard coz we do want to be with one another. I still have no clue on how to bring her here in U.S. so we can be together. There is a paper that says we are related but the truth is we are just two ordinary people who fell in love with one another not at all related to one another. 

Just looking for suggestions or thoughts on my issue. 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

So she's legally your second cousin but you're not blood related?

How would you go about having a relationship with her and having her come live with you in your country without telling anyone in your family?

[smackie9]

Marry her in her native country and bring her home as your wife. There are a lot of countries where it's common to marry a second cousin. What are the laws in her country?

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Somme Onne said:

We kept our relationship in secret even to this day afraid of what they will say and how we will be accepted by our family and friends.

I still have no clue on how to bring her here in U.S. so we can be together.

Is she interested in moving to the states? Residency? Either you have to marry her in your home country then or she needs to get a work visa.

[itsallgrand]

If you feel you have to keep it secret, obviously there's some part of you that doesn't think it's ok.

Family is family, adopted or not. Off limits. That's my take. 

[Andrina]

Legally you can marry her. The age gap of 24 years is quite substantial. Totally different stages of life which is why age gap relationships of 20 years or more have a 95 percent divorce rate. She's too young to think of the reality of it, and you're likely so smitten to pooh pooh reality. How will you like it when you've retired, wanting a companion to hang with all day, but she's busy working the majority of the week? How will she feel when you're experiencing elderly medical problems and she's having to handle things as she would for an elderly parent?

In the U.S., you have to make enough money to sponsor a foreign spouse, and even if you divorce after a year, you are still financially responsible for an entire decade for your ex if she is allowed to stay in the U.S. The spousal visa process is very expensive in itself, and you will likely create a fractured family scenario with your decision.

To me, even if I shared chemistry with someone like this, I'd know it would pass with time and distance and I'd choose someone local to date.

[boltnrun]

My son didn't have to pay to sponsor his foreign born spouse, but his spouse had already been in the US on a student visa. And as you know, it's no longer a matter of marriage automatically meaning citizenship or even a green card. Even after approval my son's spouse has a provisional green card for five years. My son won't have to financially support his spouse if they divorce, but again, his spouse was already here.

You will, however, have to prove (and continue to provide proof) that your relationship is legitimate.

How will you deal with telling your family about your relationship? You'll need to some day.

Also, does she want children? Is she OK with knowing most of the child rearing could fall upon her as you age? Are you prepared to be a new father in your mid 50s?

[wealthydior]

I like the age difference of 15-20 years in a relationship, but 24 seems a bit too much to me. And I’m sorry to say it, but it just didn’t feel right to me that you fell in love with someone you saw as a kid when she grew up. I think you should decide for yourself whether to tell the family about this relationship or whether it is worth it.

[Tinydance]

Well you mentioned that your cousin's adoptive daughter lives in another country. I know you've visited them but you also mentioned you haven't brought her to the US. You said you've hidden the relationship from all your friends and family. So how much time have you actually spent with her in person?

You say you're in love with each other and in a "relationship".  But can you really be in love or in a real relationship if you haven't spent much time with this woman face to face? I'm not discounting that you can like her or be attracted to her. I'm not sure that you could really say you know that this relationship is working out because you haven't been with her in real life that much.

Have you asked this girl if she wants to move to the US to be with you? Does she want to? I'm assuming that all her family and friends and her job are in the other country, so this would be a huge deal for her to move.

Also I think your first step would actually be to tell all your family and especially your cousin, her Mum. What reaction do you think your cousin would have to this relationship? I'm not trying to be rude but I'm just imagining that if I was in your cousin's shoes, I wouldn't really be that happy that my daughter wants to date my cousin who is 24 years older than her and also lives in another country. I understand you're not biologically related but your cousin is her mother still, she raised her as her own. I think she would probably want her daughter to date someone her own age and in her own country. Though of course her daughter is an adult so in the end it would be her own decision. 

I think also if you can't have her living in the US with you soon then it's not really fair to make her wait for you. A relationship can't really work in the long term if it's not in person.

[catfeeder]

On 5/5/2022 at 2:53 PM, Somme Onne said:

We kept our relationship in secret even to this day afraid of what they will say and how we will be accepted by our family and friends.

It's been hard coz we do want to be with one another.

The first thing I'd want to learn is how GF wants to handle discussing this with her mother.

I'd leave that up to her, as it's her relationship with her own parent that you could damage if you stepped in to say anything to your cousin.

[rchubn]

The age gap is creepy.

1. You were in your early 20s when she was BORN. 

2. When you saw her at 32 she wasn't even in her double digits. 

I'm not against age gap relationships but most of the time the older one in the relationship doesn't have the burden of knowing their partner as a child and they don't come from the same family. Normal age gap couples have only ever known each other as adults.  

If you date her people will silently assume that there was boundary crossing/grooming going on. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rchubn]

Re reading your post. I think you're infatuated with her. Youre not trying to help her out by bringing her to the US, you're trying to legally traffic her. You're bringing her over here with the unspoken assumption that she will be with you romantically. She could also being with you simply because she wants to be in the US. 

 

You went through loss and had a young woman comfort you. She likely only comforted you because you're family. She was doing her job as your relative. You shared vulnerable moments with her I assume.

I could share a vulnerable moment with an adoptive step sibling, that doesn't mean I'm free to date them because we're not bio related. Her parents adopted her into the family with the expectation that she would belong as a family member and that her DNA does not alter her position in the family and peoples ability for her to see her as family 

 

IF you ever want to get with this woman (without "trafficking" her to be your partner), you really need to find a way to get her to the US without forcing her to being legally binded to you by marriage. You would give her free will by disconnecting yourself legally allowing the relationship to flow and decreasing the power imbalance. 

Do you have any friends that can marry her?