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Should I Run Away?


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On 5/5/2022 at 11:42 AM, EitherDare0 said:

So I have to respect it, but my non-trusting self (thanks toxic past relationships) have made me fearful she isn't being honest. Her actions have seemed genuine.

Yeah, I wouldn't rule out you were her rebound 😕 ... You two got involved way too soon, after her so recent BU.

Would have been smarter on her part to NOT do this to/with you.

As for YOU.... knowing your own issue's, maybe you can spend your own time working on these issue's.  So it will not spill into your other relationships?

As for what you are 'assuming' as her reasons for pulling away in the physical sense, i doubt she is going to sleep around with anyone else, including you. ( as maybe she is realizing now, she just can't do it & that she does need her own time to work on herself & recover from her last broken relationship) - so dont expect much from her anymore.

 

 

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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I appreciate all the feedback.

Yesterday, we spent a lot of time together. I didn't bring up relationships, sex, nothing. We just had a great time, enjoyed each-other's company. She came over later, we cuddled, kissed plenty, no sexual attempts, but the way she looked at me. The way she was... it was so rejuvenating.

It clicked fully in my head. My last GF, when things were at the end (in hindsight) she started to pull back sexually, make excuses etc, taming down our once rampant sex life. In the end, it was all excuses because she lost sexual attraction to me, and either was cheating on me or wanted to. So... here I am allowing that evil EX, to instill insecurity in me.

I am happy to say, my role has slowed. No pressing on anything. And honestly it seemed so good yesterday, I am glad I did. I was my confident, carefree self. 

The way she looked at me, acted, her reaching out today.... she definitely likes me. I should not be worrying about anything more than seeing what comes of it.

So i am going to get off my arse, and stop letting this insecure BS I got from my EX, and let that ruin this. If I am myself, if I am unworried about anything too much and just enjoy our time, things will likely workout.

I am super into her no doubt, but honestly if I am myself there is a good shot it gets serious. No guarantees, but still. Yesterday/earlier today confirmed that for me. 

Good job. See how simple enjoying someone can be when we don't project all kinds of crap onto them?

The two of you started down a casual sex road, and you both have recognized a simpatico that is rare and worth exploring. So GF is pulling back to get to know you as a human with a clearer head.

I don't see any need to invent complexity 'around' that. You are in it, and as scary as that might be, you don't exactly WANT to be out of it. So? EnjOy this without killing your joy.

Wherever this leads, decide how you'll best want to handle that when you cross that bridge.

Head high, appreciate how rare it is to resonate with another so well, and the most important thing: don't forget about US and keep us up to date!

Hah! fingers crossed for you.

Edited by catfeeder
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Posted (edited)

Sounds like she likes you and is attracted to you despite not wanting to pursue a serious relationship with you.  I would assume that she feels exactly the same about that and remind yourself that the fun, feeling carefree, feeling like you can handle this as two people hanging out and having fun and hooking up when it strikes them works for you with no expectations of the future. 

It's simply a risk/benefit analysis and the way you described your fun day sounds like benefits are worth the risk and you are in no rush (and she has made it clear already before this that you're not to read into a fun day that she wants to get serious with you). Enjoy!

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like she likes you and is attracted to you despite not wanting to pursue a serious relationship with you.  I would assume that she feels exactly the same about that and remind yourself that the fun, feeling carefree, feeling like you can handle this as two people hanging out and having fun and hooking up when it strikes them works for you with no expectations of the future. 

It's simply a risk/benefit analysis and the way you described your fun day sounds like benefits are worth the risk and you are in no rush (and she has made it clear already before this that you're not to read into a fun day that she wants to get serious with you). Enjoy!

I do think she is interested in a serious relationship, but she is certainly not ready for one yet. This was admitted by her awhile ago. I knew this though, in fact, when I ended up catching feelings, a lot of it was when I was merely trying to help console her in dealing with her breakup (oops!) Didn't even know I had them til it was too late. My own fault, but originally I just felt empathetic because I know how hard it is to let go of someone you thought you knew, but are realizing they never really existed like that it was in your head.

I need to be reasonable though and understand we may never progress. I am not sure the timetable of how long I can wait, I will merely have to see how I feel. Although this past week, I do think it went along way into making things possible. 

My focus will be to enjoy, but stop putting her on a pedal-stool. Also, I am going to ensure I am not ONLY looking to her, because at the end of the day it's way too soon to put all my eggs in one basket with her. We have never agreed to exclusive, even though she has said "Do you think I am doing this with anyone else, there is nobody else I have a rapport like this with." We are not exclusive, and we are both still free to pursue whatever. 

I think for me, I can give it a few months, because we did start out as friends, but more-so in the past month started to feel more like just friends. I am not going to tell her right now or give some ultimatum, but if in the next few months I am still in this weird limbo, I will likely have to sever ties. 

Crazy thing is idk what we even would call ourselves at this point. Like are we dating? If so, it's not exclusive, but at this point I would have to imagine how we are together is at least casually dating. We are not FWB's or F Buddies. 

Edited by EitherDare0
typo
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15 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I ended up catching feelings, a lot of it was when I was merely trying to help console her in dealing with her breakup (oops!) 

Oh no. Another man who needs a physics lesson:

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

To understand "orbiter" better here's what it entails: The electron travels in circular orbits around the nucleus. The orbits have quantized sizes and energies. Energy is emitted from the atom when the electron jumps from one orbit to another closer to the nucleus. Shown here is the first Balmer transition, in which an electron jumps from orbit n = 3 to orbit n = 2.

You are the electron. You are in the outer orbit.

image.png.a1c1fa3ac6ac1a963d7985c784c3084a.png

 

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Oh no. Another man who needs a physics lesson:

 

Yeah, it's my own fault honestly. I didn't feel anything for her. We had hooked up several times, hung out, nothing. I was only a friend (I guess closer to FWBs) and was perfectly ok with just helping her cope and move past her EX. It was comforting for me too who went through a bad breakup and struggles with loneliness at times.

However, my mistake was I let myself get too close. I did too many things that you shouldn't do, that get a man, or at least myself, attached. 

The only good thing here is there is potential for more. I apparently didn't fug it up too bad. Not yet anyhow

Definitely think I am going to pump the brakes a bit though. Slow down and back off a little. Not ghost mode, but I know better than to allow myself to get so close too soon. Or expect too much.

It will be tough because in reality I alway want to see and hear from her, but I know that for both our sakes it's better if I pull back some.

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

I do think she is interested in a serious relationship, but she is certainly not ready for one yet. This was admitted by her awhile ago.

It doesn't matter if she's "interested" in a serious relationship.  Right now the fact is she does not want one with you or at the very least badly enough.  As said in Harry Met Sally "when you meet the right person you want the rest of your life to start right then" - when you want a serious relationship or the potential for one and you are single and the other person is (and here she knows you want one!) - she wouldn't waste a second so that you wouldn't be snapped up by someone else and so it could start right then.  People express strong interest in lots of things. 

The proof is in the pudding -in the words plus actions that transform interest into implementation.  With all serious decisions this is true.  Like if you told an interviewer "I am interested in this position" but didn't follow up with YES when asked "ok good we're interested in you - when can you start?"    

I agree with continuing 100% self honesty.  "I am risking getting more into her and being even more disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship with me for the fun and carefree time I have with her when we're hanging out and hooking up." 

I know for sure that when my husband asked me to get back together after we ended things 7 years previously (we'd been engaged, right close to the wedding date too) if I'd said anything but yes and agreed to exclusivity, to seeing if we should get married this time, to being willing to relocate if we married -he'd have walked away. 

He wasn't willing to do some vague or casual arrangement and was willing to walk away from me rather than settle. I'm guessing cause I said yes!  Everyone weighs it differently. I know of many people who are willing to hang out and hook up because it's really fun and they're in no hurry for forever with anyone.  Or they tell themselves that.     

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn't matter if she's "interested" in a serious relationship.  Right now the fact is she does not want one with you or at the very least badly enough.  As said in Harry Met Sally "when you meet the right person you want the rest of your life to start right then" - when you want a serious relationship or the potential for one and you are single and the other person is (and here she knows you want one!) - she wouldn't waste a second so that you wouldn't be snapped up by someone else and so it could start right then.  People express strong interest in lots of things. 

The proof is in the pudding -in the words plus actions that transform interest into implementation.  With all serious decisions this is true.  Like if you told an interviewer "I am interested in this position" but didn't follow up with YES when asked "ok good we're interested in you - when can you start?"    

I agree with continuing 100% self honesty.  "I am risking getting more into her and being even more disappointed that she doesn't want a relationship with me for the fun and carefree time I have with her when we're hanging out and hooking up." 

I know for sure that when my husband asked me to get back together after we ended things 7 years previously (we'd been engaged, right close to the wedding date too) if I'd said anything but yes and agreed to exclusivity, to seeing if we should get married this time, to being willing to relocate if we married -he'd have walked away. 

He wasn't willing to do some vague or casual arrangement and was willing to walk away from me rather than settle. I'm guessing cause I said yes!  Everyone weighs it differently. I know of many people who are willing to hang out and hook up because it's really fun and they're in no hurry for forever with anyone.  Or they tell themselves that.     

She got out of a long-term relationship around Xmas time. She said mentally she is not ready to jump back into a relationship. I do not think it's fair to suggest that because she's not begging to be in one with me right this second, that she isn't interested. I have not even asked her to be in a relationship... it's not like I said "Be mine I want to be exclusive" and she witheld. I have not asked, because I know she is not ready. 

Neither of us expected to feel like we do. It's scary for us both I am sure. Neither of us were looking to be in a relationship together, but along the way we have developed feelings for each-other. Mentally she is not ready and I am glad she's honest about that (even though I never asked). Last thing I would want is her to dive in just because she's afraid of losing me.... only to really be thinking of her EX a lot etc. 

Comparing your significant relationship, and then years going by, and whatever position you two were in at the time, is not a reasonable comparison. And HE gave you an ultimatum... a hell of a lot more serious than just being in an exclusive relationship. You had a lot more history. 

In a few months if it still feels casual, like it hasn't gotten anywhere, and she is still too distant and all that. Yeah then I would say I would have to entirely walk-away. Honestly, it doesn't even feel all that casual now and it's supposed to be. She had me up to her hometown and she showed me around where she grew up. The interest is there. Does that mean it will workout? No. But I don't think I am some simple rebound or guy to pass time, not anymore. Even if that's truly what we were meant to be. 

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Posted (edited)

You sound like you’ve got a good read on all this, are weighing things according to your own emotional calculus. 

I can’t help but observe that it seems that her pain seems to be at the center or your emotional interest in her and your bond. No deep feelings, then intimate talks about her ex, and now feelings. Makes sense: sounds like you have some of that yourself in your rear view mirror, and breakups, as this site affirms daily, are a source of instant connection between people. 

In your shoes I’d be mindful that that pain, and all this fear, are not permanent conditions. Yet together you breathe power into it all, or can, if it’s a frequent subject of conversation  Try not to spend too much time on all that, in short, as in the big picture she’s going to most drawn to someone ho sees her as strong, not fragile. 

I do think you’re splitting some very fine hairs. That she is most at ease with you when concepts like dating and relationships are unspeakable is very revealing and worth observing  Have fun, enjoy yourself. Wherever it all goes is going to be just fine  

 

Edited by bluecastle
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1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

You sound like you’ve got a good read on all this, are weighing things according to your own emotional calculus. 

I can’t help but observe that it seems that her pain seems to be at the center or your emotional interest in her and your bond. No deep feelings, then intimate talks about her ex, and now feelings. Makes sense: sounds like you have some of that yourself in your rear view mirror, and breakups, as this site affirms daily, are a source of instant connection between people. 

In your shoes I’d be mindful that that pain, and all this fear, are not permanent conditions. Yet together you breathe power into it all, or can, if it’s a frequent subject of conversation  Try not to spend too much time on all that, in short, as in the big picture she’s going to most drawn to someone ho sees her as strong, not fragile. 

I do think you’re splitting some very fine hairs. That she is most at ease with you when concepts like dating and relationships are unspeakable is very revealing and worth observing  Have fun, enjoy yourself. Wherever it all goes is going to be just fine  

 

I think I have a decent read, when I step back and stop overthinking or trying to find something wrong. When I stop letting insecurity get the best of me.

Her pain was certainly in the forefront. I was an outlet initially for her to talk to about that. However, since it became clear to her that I grew something for her, she fortunately has stopped essentially all the Ex talk. Which honestly I appreciate, it signifies to me that she understands I will not be here to be used and a shoulder to cry on, but I am actually interested in her. 

The concept of dating and a relationship between us are not unspoken. I have made it pretty clear to her that I see her as more than a friend or some fling. That in time, if I don't feel it going somewhere, I will unfortunately not be around. 

She has been back home to where she is from for almost a month. I took a leap, and with her knowing about it, I flew there to visit a little. I think she really appreciated that gesture. She took delight in showing me where she grew up, taking me to some of her favorite places. I could tell the way she looked at me, touched me, etc... I could tell a distinct difference. It came from one of feelings for me too. She constantly wore a smile, held my hand everywhere we'd go, massaged me when I was driving. 

I know some cynical people, who are bitter, will read that and claim she is using me, but honestly it felt more like she was realizing this is the kind of thing she wants. So no we will see what comes of it. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

She got out of a long-term relationship around Xmas time. She said mentally she is not ready to jump back into a relationship. I do not think it's fair to suggest that because she's not begging to be in one with me right this second, that she isn't interested. I have not even asked her to be in a relationship... it's not like I said "Be mine I want to be exclusive" and she witheld. I have not asked, because I know she is not ready. 

That's not at all what I wrote.  No one should beg - that would be ridiculous and not at all what I wrote.  Assume she is not ready to be in a relationship with you -so you protect your heart.  

It's much simpler than fancy "concepts of dating and a relationship" - decide now -if you knew she would never want to be in a serious relationship with you (or as you put it "not ready") how long would you stay in this fun, carefree hanging out hooking up arrangement?  When that time you come up with is up (don't tell her -it's for you to know) then you can tell her you've reached your limit of fun and unless she changes her mind in the future not to contact you. 

Keep it simple -no concepts, no relationship charts, no psychobabble analysis of her relationship history -the only relevance to that is your ego -if you need the validation that it's all about her not being "ready" -she's ready to hang out and hook up  -you're cool with that now but when you're no longer cool with it you'll have to tell her -for your own health - that you two want different things and if she wants the same thing as you she knows where to find you and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it.

I think it's great you're having fun hanging out and hooking up, feeling carefree.  What could be better? I just caution you against deluding yourself into thinking any of it means she sees potential for a serious relationship -have fun and have eyes wide open and be self-honest.

I don't think she's using you at all.  She was honest with you that she doesn't see potential for a serious relationship.  You're willing to hang out and hook up.  So is she.  The only reason I survived 24 years of dating before finally becoming the right person to find the right person was because I was never cynical or bitter about men or relationships save for a couple of hours here and there.  One way I avoided that was by being honest with myself and staying true to my goals -and taking risks with eyes wide open.  

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I know some cynical people, who are bitter, will read that and claim she is using me

Not everyone who has a different perspective is "bitter".  

When you're on the outside of a situation your vision is often clearer.  You know that old saying "hindsight is 20/20"?  So is not having an emotional or personal stake in the outcome of a situation.

However, I can see you very much hope this turns into a relationship.  You're seeing everything she says and does as a positive because of course you have a stake in the outcome and want it to turn out a certain way.  Whatever it is she's "afraid" of, I hope she can get past that while you two are still spending time together.  Not afterward.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Whatever it is she's "afraid" of, I hope she can get past that while you two are still spending time together.  Not afterward.

I've never seen anything positive come out of a dynamic where one person wants a relationship (secretly or expressly), the other one doesn't because she or he is "afraid" and the fearful person is convinced by spending time with the other person.  I have seen a number of examples of the person who wants the relationship walking away because it's not fun to hook up and hang out with the person they want and hope for more from and that person after a period of time realizing she/he misses that person enough so that he/she is willing to choose that person over fear. 

Now of course sometimes it's the "one who got away" and the other person has moved on but I've also seen people get back together/start over at a later time and make a healthy go of it.  One person I know has now been married 20 years -she got scared, actually had an affair (I believe after the engagement was broken) - ironically there was a plan to have me date the guy she left (I didn't know her - but I had, coincidentally, dated his friend years earlier) -we didn't end up dating thank goodness.  She realized she loved and wanted him, and apparently still does over 20 years later.  One example of a number of them.  

This situation is different -if the OP is truly content to hang out and hook up it sounds like he's having so much fun hanging out and hooking up - feeling confident and carefree is a great feeling so if it turns out this is a short term hang out/hook up at least he'll have good memories of confident and carefree and fun!

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On 5/7/2022 at 4:31 PM, Batya33 said:

 

This situation is different -if the OP is truly content to hang out and hook up it sounds like he's having so much fun hanging out and hooking up - feeling confident and carefree is a great feeling so if it turns out this is a short term hang out/hook up at least he'll have good memories of confident and carefree and fun!

It's hard. I never wanted to be in this position. I largely have my own self to blame, but nonetheless.

The safer move I am sure would be to walk away. Which also sucks because I truly love to be around her. I wish I could disassociate and be just friends with no feeling like I used to be. But that ship has sailed.

I would say the hookup stuff is done. She does not seem to want to want that, and honestly at this point I do not just want that either. 

I know she is having some serious family/sister issues. So that sure as heck isn't helping anything. And like mentioned, she is not over her ex, she is not emotionally available for serious dating.

Last week I visited her in her hometown, where she's been a month. Honestly, 99% of it was great. It was passionate, sweet... it just felt like a big step. How she was around me, all of it, certainly felt like there was some serious feelings reciprocation. I had high hopes after, for days after I left it seemed so great. She was so glad I came etc, said she misses me and can't wait to get back to the state we live in.

I almost wish I felt used... I am sure it would hurt more initially, but make disconnecting easier. Instead, no matter how badly I try to convince myself of that (and I can be quite cynical and overthink and usually assume that) I can't feel it. So the opposite of how I would usually feel in this situation.

It's like I know she is scared, mixed with home-sickness and family issues... and depression. And to the outside surveyor one might say "*** is wrong with you, forget that crap, move on." However, the heart wants what the heart wants. 

 

Every now and then someone comes along, and the chemistry, the feelings are just sooo strong. The hurt person in me wants to run away, but the optimistic side convinces myself to stick it out longer and don't throw in the towel so soon. I know plenty of fish in the sea and all that, but I have not felt this strongly about someone in a long long time. It's terrifying. 

 

I am just not sure what to do. Part of me thinks if I keep up this, it will drag me down and toxify my life more. The other part of me thinks it could be worth sticking out for a while. Seeing where it goes.

 

I know at the end of the day only I can decide, only I can act on what to do. But honestly I do not know what to do.

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30 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

  I have not felt this strongly about someone in a long long time. It's terrifying.

Unrequited love. Wanting what you can't have. These are internal struggles. Fears. Anxiety.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. It keeps them "safe" from real relationships.

So as long as you focus on this unobtainable woman, you can avoid real relationships because you're terrified of them.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unrequited love. Wanting what you can't have. These are internal struggles. Fears. Anxiety.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. It keeps them "safe" from real relationships.

So as long as you focus on this unobtainable woman, you can avoid real relationships because you're terrified of them.

Thing of it is, it's not my first encounter with wanting what I can't have. In my last year of dating, that's happened to me a few times. I had a few women I really was interested in, but they didn't want me. I was bummed for like few days, then meh whatever. One of which I went of 7 dates with! Not a single one felt anywhere even remotely close to this. In a way this almost feels as bad as when my GF of 2.5 years broke my heart. Thats truly awful. Very similar feeling at times.

I try not to focus on unattainable women either. I have women who are very interested in open. Despite my best efforts, mentally I cannot get there. No real spark or desire for me. Sucks to be that way.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Sucks to be that way.

Don't indulge in the cop out. It's your choice to be that way and react to unavailable women by feeling sparks and acting on it by chasing someone who doesn't want you or want you enough. 

It's fine if you don't feel a spark for a woman who is interested in you -the issue is if you only feel sparks if the woman is cold/distant/unavailable.  I used to be into that -not exactly "bad boy" but in that vein.  And sometimes the bad boy.  The thrill of the chase is thrilling but what sustains is the thrill of becoming the right person to find the right person and finding a match where it's exciting despite having the security of love and commitment.  Not always "exciting" in the breathless way of "will I win the prize" but yes you don't have to be that way as you say. 

Edited by Batya33
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On 5/10/2022 at 3:35 AM, Batya33 said:

Don't indulge in the cop out. It's your choice to be that way and react to unavailable women by feeling sparks and acting on it by chasing someone who doesn't want you or want you enough. 

It's fine if you don't feel a spark for a woman who is interested in you -the issue is if you only feel sparks if the woman is cold/distant/unavailable.  I used to be into that -not exactly "bad boy" but in that vein.  And sometimes the bad boy.  The thrill of the chase is thrilling but what sustains is the thrill of becoming the right person to find the right person and finding a match where it's exciting despite having the security of love and commitment.  Not always "exciting" in the breathless way of "will I win the prize" but yes you don't have to be that way as you say. 

Not so sure it's entirely a choice, or at least that simple.

It's actually linked to chemicals in ones brain. 

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6 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Not so sure it's entirely a choice, or at least that simple.

It's actually linked to chemicals in ones brain. 

How you react to a feeling is always a choice unless you are somehow in a situation where you are forced to react a certain way.  It's not simple to choose a different reaction -often it's incredibly hard and I have to make those incredibly hard choices regularly when I'm in the thick of parenting situations for example and the adrenaline is going at a furious pace - but yes always your choice. It's why people can take marriage vows -you don't promise not to feel attracted to another person.  You promise not to act on the attraction.  If it was not a choice then no one could make that promise and could blame "chemicals in ones brain".

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Mentally I do not think I have a choice. I have to pull away. I was hoping I could take a deep breath, be confident and more carefree, do other things to keep her and it off my mind. But it's not working.

As great as things seem to be when we are together, it feels anytime we are not, she is a little different, is depressive with her family etc. For such a long time I was fine being an outlet to vent to, to talk to. I feel a little bad that now frankly I just don't want to hear it.

She has a man in front of her, who is a lot of what she said she wanted. Who actually wants to be with her and treat her with respect, but apparently it's just not in the cards for us. To be fair to her, she did warm me previously and say she isn't emotionally available, but I did not learn that until I was already hooked.

I take a decent amount of blame. C

 

I am not sure if it's best to just sink away quietly or lay it on the table a little first. Either way I have to distance myself from it, from her. It's taking a toll on my mental health at this point. It's almost re-igniting the past trauma had I had with my ex. Crazy thing, I hadn't dreamt of my ex in a long time, and over the past week of uncertainty with this girl, my EX popped up in dreams a good 4 times now. 

So here in lies the choice. Fade away quietly (and she will undoubtedly realize it and contact me) or to straight up say the honest truth. Something like "Listen, as I told you before I like you and was interested in more. I know you feel the same in a way, but it's clear we are at different places. My feelings for you have grown pretty strongly, and that's on me. But, I cannot continue to be only your Friend with potential. We are in this weird limbo of friends, almost with benefits in a way, yet we go around telling each-other that's not it. I wish you all the best, but I know what I want, and I do not like this limbo that we are in. You have to do what's best for you, and I me. So I wish you all the best, but honestly I am not happy where we are right now. So down the road if you feel you are in a better place and ready to actually date, feel free to reach out. "

All that sounds dramatic, but it's from the heart. IF I do tell her the truth, lay it on the line, I really would prefer to do it in person. So I am trying to wait until she comes back

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16 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Something like "Listen, as I told you before I like you and was interested in more. I know you feel the same in a way, but it's clear we are at different places. My feelings for you have grown pretty strongly, and that's on me. But, I cannot continue to be only your Friend with potential. We are in this weird limbo of friends, almost with benefits in a way, yet we go around telling each-other that's not it. I wish you all the best, but I know what I want, and I do not like this limbo that we are in. You have to do what's best for you, and I me. So I wish you all the best, but honestly I am not happy where we are right now. So down the road if you feel you are in a better place and ready to actually date, feel free to reach out. "

 

This is fine. You will need to distance yourself as you say and remove the last few lines about leaving that door open. It will hold you back from finding a new girlfriend. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

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5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is fine. You will need to distance yourself as you say and remove the last few lines about leaving that door open. It will hold you back from finding a new girlfriend. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

You think? I sort of feel sometimes people mesh, but one or both aren't ready. In this case, I am pretty ready, but she is not. That doesn't mean she doesn't like me or that we wouldn't be a good fit down the road. As far as I know she's been pretty honest and good to me.

I don't think it would hold me back either. Honestly, if this doesn't workout, I think I may need to go back to being 100% single again. Discover why and how I got such hardcore feelings for this girl so fast.

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22 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

You think? I sort of feel sometimes people mesh, but one or both aren't ready. In this case, I am pretty ready, but she is not. That doesn't mean she doesn't like me or that we wouldn't be a good fit down the road. As far as I know she's been pretty honest and good to me.

I don't think it would hold me back either. Honestly, if this doesn't workout, I think I may need to go back to being 100% single again. Discover why and how I got such hardcore feelings for this girl so fast.

I liked my ex boyfriend (7 years on and off) very much as a person even though we weren't a good match.  I respected and admired him and loved him even though we weren't a good match.  We both made the mistake of staying in touch too much after our final break up.  I remember when he met his future wife.  He messaged me that he'd started dating someone and I sensed this time it was special. He didn't date a lot but I just knew.  So I decided to do the slow fad on him so that he could focus entirely on her.  He allowed it (I think he didn't want to ignore me or cut the cord abruptly but when I did the slow fade he followed suit).  They got engaged about a year later and I really think had I still been in regular touch with him it could have slowed their progress. 

After about a year of not being in touch at all (we had mutual friends, so I heard he got engaged and his mother actually emailed me right before) she contacted me.  On his work email.  I'd never met her.  Never spoken to her. She wanted to meet me.  They'd been married 6 months by then.  I was shocked.  I checked with him and yes she wanted to meet me.  So we double dated -me and my fiancee and the two of them.  She obviously felt the need to check me out and make sure I was harmless/over him (even though we'd had zero contact for over a year -no one reaching out to the other) - so you see how intense it can be and how contact can really get in the way.  I felt a little badly for her -that she was insecure.  He clearly was in love with her and thought the world of her. And I was happy for them.

I am married to my ex fiancee.  We would not be together had we stayed in touch for the 7 plus years we were broken up even though I still liked and admired him.  Being in contact would have risked hurt feelings, disagreements, etc.  and messed up our chances of reconnecting with a clean slate so to speak.  Just sharing.  

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

You think? I sort of feel sometimes people mesh, but one or both aren't ready. In this case, I am pretty ready, but she is not. That doesn't mean she doesn't like me or that we wouldn't be a good fit down the road. As far as I know she's been pretty honest and good to me.

I don't think it would hold me back either. Honestly, if this doesn't workout, I think I may need to go back to being 100% single again. Discover why and how I got such hardcore feelings for this girl so fast.

I think you're living a fantasy in the future. It's what keeps you asking the same questions over and over again. None of this would be an issue if you bought the very words that you keep repeating. 

I empathize with you but at some point you've got to get tired of sounding like a broken record repeating the same things and not believing them 100% yourself.

My only suggestion is to stay if you want to stay but try to enjoy the journey and don't lose so much confidence wondering what other people think about this woman. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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