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Should I Run Away?


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Quick backstory, we started out as friends back in January, but quickly realized there is chemistry. She broke it off with her long-term BF in December, I've been single almost a year, out of a very toxic, traumatic relationship.

We were platonic friends for about a month, but that changed, we went on a quick trip together and the interest was there. We hooked up, and then again a few times after, but honestly at first it seemed more of a casual hookup. No feelings involved. The last time we had sex was a little over a month ago, and in this instance she pursued it. 

We hung out again many time since then, essentially dates without calling them that. We've cuddled, kissed, massages, etc, but she has decided to put sex on hold with me. To which is tough because we do have a significant sexual chemistry.

The mutual interest is there so much however, that when she went out of town for a month, I flew to visit. It's been everything you would expect out of two people very interested in each-other, besides sex. To me, which is weird and we have had sex several times before when we seemed to be more casual.

I finally brought it up, I know she's admittedly a sexual person, I know she's really enjoyed the times we have, so why now all of a sudden when you know me so much better, is she putting up a barrier to sex.

She told me she is afraid of getting emotionally attached too soon. She admitted she really likes me, and wants to grow things, but does not want to get too attached to me so soon as she isn't ready for that yet. She told me we have an incredible rapport, but she is trying to be good, and is afraid of getting too attached... essentially because men in the past have hurt her.

I am a bit frustrated of course. I respect her, but at the same time it leaves me feeling strange, that when I was just some casual dude, she was in. Now that she knows I like her am interested in more, she is holding back. I told her that confuses me, and in being honest it makes me nervous. As I am not claiming she is, but I want to make sure I am not just some guy/shoulder to cry on, or rebound... especially while she sleeps with someone else. I admitted that I respect her boundary of sex right now, but, I also admitted if she keeps that away, but then engages in it with someone else, I am gone. She is insistent that there is nobody else and she isn't going to sleep with anyone else, but this barrier is because she likes me but doesn't want to get hurt or move too fast.

So I have to respect it, but my non-trusting self (thanks toxic past relationships) have made me fearful she isn't being honest. Her actions have seemed genuine.

So now here I am, already a little attached with some feelings, either making a great gamble, or staring down the barrel of another terrible/gut-wrenching situation. 

 

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9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When a relationship is regressing versus progressing, and a person is speaking of being emotionally afraid and putting up barriers, it's time to make your exit.

Tell her, "This relationship isn't working for me. When you're no longer afraid and can be in a full-on relationship without barriers, you can contact me and if I'm still single, we'll talk. Otherwise, I'm going to have to go no contact for my own good."

In all actuality, people like this just aren't into you, but like the ego boost and will keep throwing breadcrumbs. They really don't care that what they're doing hurts the person who is crushing on them.

As for me, I wouldn't even give them a second chance, and never have. If a person is willing to lose me forever because of this sort of behavior, they are not the prize I've held out for.

That's the thing, it is progressing everywhere but sexually. Before it was maybe go hike or get food, and we hooked up. Now it seems much more than that, coming over to cuddle relax, spend an entire day together, fly to visit her, talk a lot more when not together. She has turned the corner to take me seriously in every way, except sexually.

My, for lack of a better word, Toxic Masculinity side is saying put up a wall... "She is using you, a rebound, someone to act like a BF, while she gets it somewhere else." That's also my issues that I have because of the betrayal of others. Because in all honesty, when thinking rationally, it does seem like she is really into me and is at least, not nearly this close with any other man.

She told me she isn't ready to give me all of her yet, because she is still not fully ready from her last relationship, so she has to keep that barrier a little longer so she doesn't get too emotionally attached.

 

I essentially told her don't make me a fool. Don't use me or find someone else to get it from while making me wait... because if you do, I am gone, and what we have is gone, and I won't be in her life. She swore up and down that she won't and isn't....

 

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I don't think the problem is the sexual boundary but the reasons for it.  I don't see why it matters at all if you are a sexual person or she is -many people are and many people -I have done so- choose not to act on sexual desire for many reasons. But the reason she is is because she is not interested in a serious relationship with you.  Assume this and don't indulge in the pyschobabble of the "men who have hurt her" etc.  She's choosing fear -if there is fear -over you.  Choosing to stay unattached because the benefits outweigh the risks of going there with you.  Maybe because then she would be leading you on.  So if she stops having sex she can tell herself she is keeping it emotionally lukewarm or cold.  But you want things to progress emotionally.

I agree with Andrina.

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I think it speaks volumes that you both are treating this casually - friends hanging out and hooking up and having sex basically. There's no label or title and I mean a label or title that has true meaning underlying it.  Here it would mean a lot.  I bet she wouldn't agree to any of that because she wants to keep things at arms length.  

 

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When you express interest, how did you frame it? As exclusive dating relationship, or did you leave it open?

Given the way you started ramping up the relationship, she may need you to explicitly say what you want. That said, I would start disengaging from her, as this trail is using you like an emotional tampon without the benefits of a healthy relationship.

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9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it speaks volumes that you both are treating this casually - friends hanging out and hooking up and having sex basically. There's no label or title and I mean a label or title that has true meaning underlying it.  Here it would mean a lot.  I bet she wouldn't agree to any of that because she wants to keep things at arms length.  

 

At first yes, but then something changed. Honestly we were/are friends, who initially had zero intent of anything, but something changed. I felt nothing for awhile, then out of nowhere the slap of reality happened and I found I had some feelings. Because I let it get more than casual hangouts/hookup. 

So I finally told her I was interested in more. I know she's not ready yet, still not over her last relationship, and I know that feeling well myself, I had that for awhile. It wouldn't be fair to give her an ultimatum on anything, as it was always known she is not ready to be super serious right now.

 

I guess I just have to decide to stick around and risk it on her word, or run away now before I get even more invested and then get played.

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4 minutes ago, Coily said:

When you express interest, how did you frame it? As exclusive dating relationship, or did you leave it open?

Given the way you started ramping up the relationship, she may need you to explicitly say what you want. That said, I would start disengaging from her, as this trail is using you like an emotional tampon without the benefits of a healthy relationship.

"I just want you to know, that I like you. I am not just interested in casual hookups. I see potential with you. I know you aren't ready to jump into anything, but just know I don't hang around you or sleep with you like some "F*&# Boy. I actually have interest, so I would like to keep seeing you and see where it goes, without a lot of pressure."

I do think she regrets sleeping with me so early though. Not for lack of enjoyment, but because of emotional connection. She admitted she is hesitant because she doesn't want to get too attached too quickly. She has her own insecurities and I think she is afraid of being used too.

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Who care about what she wants....what about you? If this is unsettling for you, move on. Big red flag when they pull back on the reins. Hey if you want to wait this one out that's your decision. best of luck. 

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Just now, smackie9 said:

Who care about what she wants....what about you? If this is unsettling for you, move on. Big red flag when they pull back on the reins. Hey if you want to wait this one out that's your decision. best of luck. 

The lack of sex thing is a little unsettling... Had we never had sex (let alone several times) I would not care. But to now all of a sudden pull that off the table, it does alarm me. Even when she says there is a good reason for it. To me, it feels strange.... but I am also a screwed up person mentally lol. Untrusting.

The weird thing is, besides sexually, she is not pulling back the reins, if anything things have progressed much more elsewhere. It went from maybe we talk one a week or two, and hangout for like 2 hrs. To now we are doing things all day, she's coming over to watch movies, she was excited for me to fly up to her hometown when she was away awhile.

It's almost like things have progressed more towards serious dating, and away from what once was a casual hookup.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Someone telling you she doesn't want to get "emotionally attached" to you is not progressing. No matter how many times you two cuddle.

Agreed in that regard.

I guess to be more specific she said "I don't want to get emotionally attached to you too soon and I want to ensure that I can give you all of me when I do get attached, and right now I am not ready for that yet."

What sucks, and I think she sort of knows, is I didn't get attached via sex. To me early on, sex is nothing emotional. It's the dumb *** I admittedly did to try and comfort her, cuddling, took nap with her, hung out with her at the pool all day etc. THAT is what got me. I don't get attached via sex.

Sad reality is I was originally doing those cutesy things to comfort her because I knew she was dealing with a tough situation in a her breaking up with her BF and trying to move on. In the process, I didn't realize I was catching feelings, until it smacked me in the face out of nowhere. 

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Strangely, when researching "Signs that you're a rebound" I do not seem to fit the mold.

In fact, I really can't find one thing that makes me go "Aha! Yes here is an example"

I know it's not an exact thing, but still.

I almost wonder if I WAS sort of a rebound, but she too has decided there is serious potential (she's said there is already)

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35 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

to be more specific she said "I don't want to get emotionally attached to you too soon and I want to ensure that I can give you all of me when I do get attached, and right now I am not ready for that yet."

She's trying to backpedal and pump the brakes a bit, but that's ok.

It doesn't mean "rebound" or friendzone. She's trying to regulate her own impulses and feelings in her own way.

Just plan more stuff that doesn't end up sexually along with more romantic/sexual dates

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

Don't use me or find someone else to get it from while making me wait

Your gut never steers you wrong. Listen to it, instead of all the "signs" you look for that you think she is worth putting yourself on ice for. When someone is right for you, it's crystal clear how into you they are.

You're exactly what your gut has you worrying about. You're a placeholder until she finds somebody she's crazy about. When that happens, she will not be making a guy pole vault over a high jump. She won't be making him watch her wilting violet act, "Oh, my. Be still my quivering heart, too weak to risk the vulnerability of true love." Give me a break.

She loves this show of devotion until she meets the one she really wants to date. It's like a kid playing house until she's an adult and really ready for reality.

Risk your heart on women who are presently fully ready to date without barriers. She's not the only attractive female your age in your local area. You're a dupe if you stick around for this nonsense.

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

"She is using you, a rebound, someone to act like a BF, while she gets it somewhere else."

Aside of "gets it somewhere else" part, she is using you as a "proto boyfriend". Heck even "gets it" part is probably true with

2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

She is insistent that there is nobody else and she isn't going to sleep with anyone else

Every time Ive heard those words I discovered short time later its a lie.

Is her ex still in the picture? He was last time so probably nothing changed there. So, again, you are overinvesting and spending your precious time on someone who is using you as therapist. Without even sex involved. While she gets things work out with her ex. Than she will leave you in the dust.

So, stop overinvesting. You caught feelings, that is OK, it happens. However, you need to realize that you need to respect yourself first. She doesnt want the same thing you want from whatever reason? Just go away. Consider yourself a package deal. You cant give the whole you, while somebody doesnt even want to be with you. But she is OK with you being "proto boyfriend" minus sex part. Its not worth it. And yes, you should tell her that. 

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Very odd. I've never been in that position (her position) or have someone say no to sex so her behaviour might only point to her liking your affection and attention but not being wholly able to respond or reciprocate in more of a relationship sense. 

I'm sorry this is happening. You don't necessarily have to run away but tell her respectfully that you're not interested in this type of dynamic or interaction. My thoughts are that if someone is capable of doing this or withholding affection due to insecurity or not feeling ready while still milking it or taking from you, this isn't someone I'd want to keep around. Her judgment is overall poor and unkind towards you, even if she's only trying to protect herself. 

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41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's trying to backpedal and pump the brakes a bit, but that's ok.

It doesn't mean "rebound" or friendzone. She's trying to regulate her own impulses and feelings in her own way.

Just plan more stuff that doesn't end up sexually along with more romantic/sexual dates

It's good to see at least one person who does not think I am super F'd here lol.

I'm definitely not friend-zoned. Things still have gotten quite hot/heavy, just no overt sexual acts. Plenty of intense make-outs, rubbing, touching etc. Even some slight nudity, but every time, her pants stay on... she declines any attempt to the contrary. 

She is trying to contain her impulses. But she needs to understand if all of a sudden sex is off the table, it's going to make me feel something is up.

If we hooked up once in a while, it wouldn't feel so weird. Hell once a month... it's something. This cold, went from hooking up 6 times in a month to none "Because I do not want feelings yet" leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Makes me feel like she liked me more sexually when I was casual/bad boy esque. Despite her saying "Do you know how hard it is not to sleep with you!" Which I feel is sort of a hook,

She doesn't seem like the manipulative, evil type though. So thing is she very well be the most diabolical person ever then lol. 

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19 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Very odd. I've never been in that position (her position) or have someone say no to sex so her behaviour might only point to her liking your affection and attention but not being wholly able to respond or reciprocate in more of a relationship sense. 

I'm sorry this is happening. You don't necessarily have to run away but tell her respectfully that you're not interested in this type of dynamic or interaction. My thoughts are that if someone is capable of doing this or withholding affection due to insecurity or not feeling ready while still milking it or taking from you, this isn't someone I'd want to keep around. Her judgment is overall poor and unkind towards you, even if she's only trying to protect herself. 

She isn't withholding affection entirely though. It still gets hot and heavy, just stops before the next step... sex. The desire is there from both of us, that I can tell. She definitely gets very horny with me.... I am actually impressed she is able to stop it from progressing in the moment. 

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Posted (edited)

Well you need to talk to her more about her intentions...and ask some hard questions. Ask when things will go back to the next level before you get big blue ballz.

Edited by smackie9
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Just now, EitherDare0 said:

She isn't withholding affection entirely though. It still gets hot and heavy, just stops before the next step... sex. The desire is there from both of us, that I can tell. She definitely gets very horny with me.... I am actually impressed she is able to stop it from progressing in the moment. 

It sounds like a control issue and needing to feel she controls the situation. Unless you're very fed up, carry on if it suits you. 

On the other hand and further to what I wrote, if you change your mind and feel she's genuine and this does turn you on in some way, then there's nothing to worry yourself over. Wait and see if you like. You can always make a decision in the near future.

You seem undecided on whether you like this dynamic or not or whether she is genuine.

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I'm able to "get horny' with men I am not in love with or want a relationship with. 

Again, everything you're doing is not "progressing" if she's saying she doesn't want to get emotionally attached to you. The reasons don't matter.

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Posted (edited)

Though it may seem counter intuitive, it seems her reaction could be taken as a compliment. Actually she has moved you from "casual hook up" to "potential boyfriend material" category.

This is why she is trying to rewind the time-tape and start all over on a different basis. A basis with more promise than just a ONS.

If you can go on that exploration with her, you will have to keep your insecurities at bay. Honestly, you sound like a woman who freaks out that some guy has used her for s*x. 

And yes, your message that you intend to send her, sounds cheesy, don't send that. Just keep on seeing her and build rapport. You've got something there.

Edited by East4
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