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Should I give this a chance or is it rebound?


oli123
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Posted (edited)

I've just met someone via a dating app and we've been on a few dates. We get on very well, have shared values and there is a lot of chemistry, but he happened to mention that he had just got out of a 6.5-year relationship (after ongoing issues for a couple of years in the relationship, she broke up with him a month ago and moved out of the city). We were both open about our dating history and I mentioned that I had been through a bad break-up last year and that I am keen to find the right person this time for something long-term.

After that date, I sent him a message saying that I wasn't sure that we were both looking for the same thing and that I wondered if it was too soon for him, so perhaps we should stop seeing each other. I said that casual relationships didn't make me feel fulfilled and I thought that was perhaps more what he was looking for. He said he understood my being hesitant given my recent break-up, but that I shouldn't worry because he thought we were on the same wavelength: he isn't sure it's really "as casual as that," he likes me and the time we spend together is great. He said things are well and truly over with his ex and that if we cease being on the same wavelength, we can just stop seeing each other so we should "go with the flow."

He has since gone out of his way to come and see me, not just for "Netflix and chill," but I'm unsure whether to take it slow and give it a chance, or to cut it off now to avoid any misunderstandings later down the line. Any advice please?

Edited by oli123
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Posted (edited)

Give him a chance, but keep your feelings/expectations in check for the first few months. Not everyone rebounds after a relationship because they checked out of their relationship long before it ended and are ready to go forward with someone new. Just keep communicating as you go along. Remember rebound or not, sometimes relationships end after only a few months anyways. It's always a crap shoot no matter the situation. 

Edited by smackie9
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You haven't said if you've been intimate or not. If not, since you have long term as a goal, you could continue dating without being intimate, and give yourself a timeline of when you want things to happen. If after 3 or 4 months, would you want to discuss exclusivity and then be comfortable being intimate with that arrangement?

There are no guarantees, but a guy who is only looking to bed you and then take off won't be patient. He won't have interest in getting to know you during these dates.

Guard your heart and have a wait-and-see attitude.

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39 minutes ago, oli123 said:

 so we should "go with the flow."

Sorry this is happening. Step back, take your time and make sure you are not babysitting a broken heart rather than being with someone ready to build a relationship.

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1 hour ago, oli123 said:

I've just met someone via a dating app and we've been on a few dates. We get on very well, have shared values and there is a lot of chemistry, but he happened to mention that he had just got out of a 6.5-year relationship (after ongoing issues for a couple of years in the relationship, she broke up with him a month ago and moved out of the city). We were both open about our dating history and I mentioned that I had been through a bad break-up last year and that I am keen to find the right person this time for something long-term.

After that date, I sent him a message saying that I wasn't sure that we were both looking for the same thing and that I wondered if it was too soon for him, so perhaps we should stop seeing each other. I said that casual relationships didn't make me feel fulfilled and I thought that was perhaps more what he was looking for. He said he understood my being hesitant given my recent break-up, but that I shouldn't worry because he thought we were on the same wavelength: he isn't sure it's really "as casual as that," he likes me and the time we spend together is great. He said things are well and truly over with his ex and that if we cease being on the same wavelength, we can just stop seeing each other so we should "go with the flow."

He has since gone out of his way to come and see me, not just for "Netflix and chill," but I'm unsure whether to take it slow and give it a chance, or to cut it off now to avoid any misunderstandings later down the line. Any advice please?

If your overall feeling is one of distrust or seeming like you can't feel at ease around him, trust your instincts. Anyone fresh out of a relationship is looking for a "go with the flow" situation, regardless of how it ended or how ready someone is. It's easy companionship without the strings attached. You can continue to meet with him for outdoor activities once a week and see where that goes. 

I have a strong feeling you'll reach a conclusion in a month or less about whether you'd like to continue seeing him so have faith in yourself and don't backtrack once you've made up your mind. Once I make up my mind about someone in the romantic sense I don't go back so I wouldn't be second guessing my decision the first time around especially if I feel uneasy. 

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Posted (edited)

6.5 years, she dumped him, and it's only been a month?

Yeah I am sorry, but I strongly advise you stay away. People get over things at their own pace, but that's insanely fast to start dating again after 6.5 years, problems before then or not.

I was only with my last GF 2.5 years, we were almost engaged, and when she broke up with me, and sort of betrayed me... it took me like 9months to actually be ready to see someone again, in a serious manner where I was not thinking about my EX.

In all liklihood he misses female interaction, simple things like dating... so he is looking to full that loneliness void, whether he consciously sees that or not. 

If you think you can maintain go with the flow, by all means, but 6.5 years, don't get too invested or you're likely setting yourself up for letdown 

Edited by EitherDare0
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He's on the rebound. 6.5y is a lot of time, specially that she dumped him meaning he didn't check out of the relationship before it ended.

The fact he mentioned "going with the flow" as his advice definitely shows he's not serious about you. I have met men in their rebound who mentioned wanting to go with the flow just so we can keep having sex. They were looking for someone to fill that void and were avoiding immediate commitment.

I would out personally. But if you don't want to, then slow things down and wait and see. Keep yourself in check and trust your gut.

If, however, you want someone fully ready to date, make efforts, and commit... Look elsewhere and don't waste your time with this one.

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Sounds like your just being insecure because you probably got intimate with him too soon. Now your wondering if he’s really with you for you, or for the Netflix and chill. 

Learn from this lesson, it takes men a while to warm up to a new partner. Sometimes we know immediately whether or not they have potential, but we don’t always reveal these details because of the comfort of course.

I wouldn’t waste time doubting yourself, if you like him just commit and see where it goes. If your insecure, that’s probably because you’ve been burned in the past and you are probably the type to always be insecure in these types of situations.

It sounds like your not ready to date. I would seek professional help to work on these feelings. When you work on yourself your more willing to deal with the consequences of your behavior, without worrying if you will be betrayed.

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I say steer clear of this.  They have very recently broken up! Like a month ago? From a relationship that was for over 6 yrs.

Nope- walk away. He needs his time to process it all.

 

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