Bf going to his friend's friend's birthday- just need an outside perspective

[whitesand3]

Hi, 

I'm in need of some outside perspective, as I'm unsure if I'm just overthinking a situation. 

My boyfriend met a photographer through social media a while back (he models part-time), and she then helped secure a club for my boyfriend's birthday I believe... I wasn't invited, it was apparently just supposed to be guys, but she knew the club owner or something, and was at the club the night of his birthday. 

She has now apparently invited him to one of her girl's birthday, whom he doesn't know, and said it's most likely just dinner, but that they may go to a club too.

I feel uneasy about this, I don't want to be controlling, but I couldn't hide how I felt when he told me. I don't want to be overreacting, but I struggle to see where the boundaries should lie within a relationship. 

Personally, I feel it's odd she's inviting him, as a plus one, although my boyfriend said he might be taking one of his work colleagues with him, to a birthday dinner of a girl he doesn't even know...

Am I overthinking for no reason? 😣

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

I wasn't invited

How long have you been dating? He seems to exclude you from his life. Are you ok with that?

Is this the same man?:

 

[whitesand3]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? He seems to exclude you from his life. Are you ok with that?

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, it's the same man... we've been together on and off for about 9 years, most recently 8 months without a break, as we have been working through things in our relationship.

I do feel that he excludes me at times, but for instances like his birthday, I didn't know how to feel as although that girl was there, he had told me it was supposed to ve just his guy mates, which I didn't mind. 

 

[Lambert]

13 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

I didn't know how to feel as although that girl was there, he had told me it was supposed to ve just his guy mates, which I didn't mind. 

I think you know how to feel but it requires you to do something hard, mainly put your foot down and acknowledge that this guy is not as invested in you as you are him.

I'm sorry.  that hurts. 9 years on and off, with 8 months the longest stretch? Don't you deserve better?

You're not being good to yourself in this situationship... its all about him. 

It's not controlling to say, you know what, this isn't good enough for me and walk toward a better life for yourself.  

[Kwothe28]

After 9 years, excluding you from his birthday is just weird. But this is the same guy that has been taking other girls on dates and has been booking hotel rooms and taking them there. So, its really no surprise to anyone but you.

Its been about a year since you posted that OP. Has anything changed from than? You still have a serious problem since you refuse to admit that he is a serious cheater. He is "+1" because there is something going on there. That girl wouldnt bring him along otherwise. And you are strangely OK with that because of what? Not to appear jealous? There is a line between "just being jealous" and "raise Hell if that happens". And he keeps crossing that line constantly without you reacting. Which tells him that he can do that without consequences. Sadly for you, that is never going to change. As Ive said, its been a year and you are here with the same problem. So, cut him off, OP. No "But I love him" excuses. Just cut him off. Because he certanly doesnt love you as he does what he does on daily basis. He doesnt respect you or your relationship at all.

[whitesand3]

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you know how to feel but it requires you to do something hard, mainly put your foot down and acknowledge that this guy is not as invested in you as you are him.

I'm sorry.  that hurts. 9 years on and off, with 8 months the longest stretch? Don't you deserve better?

You're not being good to yourself in this situationship... its all about him. 

It's not controlling to say, you know what, this isn't good enough for me and walk toward a better life for yourself.  

8 months isn't the longest.. we had been together nearly 4 years before we first broke up, the second time it was after 2 years. Last 2 years have been extremely rough, and both of us tried ending it at different points, lines were extremely blurred where we didn't know whether we were together or not a lot of the times. The last 8 months have been solid in that sense, that's what I meant sorry.

I understand the things that have gone on in our relationship in the past should have been complete deal breakers, and I've been working through this with counselling. As of  now we are both getting couples counselling and things seem to be on the up. Which is why I'm here asking this question. 

As I'm unsure if this is something people would generally be okay with, as "friends", but I'm just overthinking the situation. 

[Rose Mosse]

Do you enjoy clubbing as well, OP? I ask as these activities wouldn't appeal to everyone, let alone lack of trust or the idea of being drunk, hungover or going out with the boys. 

What's your general lifestyle like? What do you enjoy doing? 

I think the invitation to go out clubbing wouldn't be an issue if this was the lifestyle you both lived and if you trusted him. The issue is that he hasn't really behaved like a boyfriend to you in your mind in the past. When you say "the last 8 months have been solid" are you saying that all your previous trust issues have been resolved and he's been making more of an effort to be open about his relationship with you? Or is he keeping you a secret on social media? 

He's a public figure if he's a model or his images/looks are a source of income for him. Social media may be his way of promoting himself without adding his personal life into the mix. He goes to events like these because he's also networking and turning down an invitation may be a faux pas in that industry or he doesn't want to lose any other opportunities through word of mouth in terms of modeling/photographers. He doesn't invite you because he may feel you don't understand his life or his lifestyle and is keeping you at armslength. So while it may seem like he's acting poorly towards you, there may also be two sides to the coin. 

You must be with him for some reason, right. He's not just a pretty face to look at. Do you respect him or admire him in his work or his choices?

The reason why I asked what your general lifestyle is like or what do YOU enjoy doing is because you seem vastly disconnected and out of touch with his or perhaps have a very different lifestyle, so much that you have no idea what he's thinking or what he wants for his career. Do you see each other often also or is this mostly long distance or through correspondence? Do you live in the same city or town or slightly further? 

 

[smackie9]

Ummm doesn't sound like he's working through anything but into this woman's pants. He doesn't respect any boundaries with you...that says you should be kicking his butt to the curb. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, whitesand3 said:

we didn't know whether we were together or not a lot of the times.

Sadly, this is one of those times again.

[Andrina]

Oh, wow. I expected to hear that you'd only been with him for about 4 months. A guy who would choose to be with a bunch of guys on his birthday instead of a serious girlfriend? Strange. Even if the all guys thing was the case, he could've insisted it be co-ed.

And I really don't know any men who make this sort of big deal over other men's birthdays. Many men have a hard time even remembering their own anniversary dates. 

A woman so involved in his activities like this? Yes, you're very naive. 

You think everything is improving in counseling? You must be the type who really grasps for straws here. If you two haven't figured things out after 8 years, my God, stop beating a dead horse.

The happy couples I know don't behave like separate entities to this extreme extent. So my advice is to break up, and make sure it's a clean break this time with zero contact. You're way overdue for closure, and that's necessary to move on and be ready for a partner who actually deserves you. Continue on with individual therapy. Take care.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP why do you stay with this man? Do you think you don't deserve any better? You can't get any better? You can't be treated any better?

On and off relationships are usually signs of major incompatibilities. That makes these relationships unhealthy and toxic. Love is not enough to keep a relationship going. There's efforts, care about each other and your needs, romancing, complementing each others' strengths and weaknesses, pushing each to be the best version of themselves, ect.

If this relationship is bringing out gradually the worst of you, then you need to leave. Be honest with yourself.

You can put and end to this and be free. Be single and learn to love yourself more than that man and this relationship.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

lines were extremely blurred where we didn't know whether we were together or not a lot of the times.

No there were no blurred lines.  You chose to be in an arrangement where you wanted to be together and he did not.  You keep referencing "work" -it shouldn't be any work at all to have the basics in place -two people who want to be together. 

Two people who agree generally on what the boundaries are - typically no dating others or having sex with others and very often not doing date-like activities. That doesn't take work.  Sometimes it takes conversations - because specific situations come up that are kinda gray areas so you talk it out.  Like a female coworker who calls after hours but it's actually an urgent professional situation.  Or a party where someone's ex will be in attendance, an ex who still has the hots for your partner.  Like that.  But it's not work -it's a conversation.  

Your part time model boyfriend has met yet another gal he wants to spend time with without you there so that he can feel free to flirt or more without being part of a couple. 

She's not his friend.  She's a photographer (or a wanna be photographer) who decided she likes being around your part time model guy.  Without you around.  And he likes that arrangement.  You have no idea how she knows the other gal.  Why? Because you've decided you're ok with not even having the opportunity to meet her, and ok with him going out gallivanting with her and her friends to a party somewhere where he will be her date.  Work on figuring out why you put up with this nonsense -but do this work on your own and get away from him.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Work on figuring out why you put up with this nonsense -but do this work on your own and get away from him.

Yes, exactly.

OP get yourself some self respect and stop asking to be treated like a disposable GF.

You can do better girl! break this cycle.

[EitherDare0]

That's ridiculous.

Simply put, if you are excluded that much from your partner... of 9 years, and you have been off and on again a bunch of times.

Do yourself a favor, find someone who treats you much better. 

[MissCanuck]

On and off for 9 years means you two are never going to work as a couple, OP. 

This most recent issue is just a symptom of the bigger problems. And no, I don't think you're over-reacting. He isn't as into this relationship as you are. 

It's time to let him go for good. 

[Tinydance]

So did you celebrate his Birthday with him as well or he just went out with all those other people and that's it? If he's trying to network as a model and get work, sure he can go to a club or a party of a photographer to make connections. BUT he should not be going to all those things alone or as that girl's plus one because he's not single. You're his partner so he should be going to events and parties with you. He doesn't invite you with him because he's probably either cheating on you or trying to meet other women and he doesn't want you to know. It's not normal to not be invited to things your boyfriend is doing and he's going to events with other women he just met. It doesn't really sound like he's that invested in you or your relationship.

[catfeeder]

I'd leave him to her. ...Or whoever else wants him.

[poorlittlefish]

Trying to be the "cool girlfriend" when someone is being so blatantly disrespectful isn't cool at all. Why should your feelings be trodden on so he can spend nights out with another woman? 

You need to tell him that what he's doing is not something you are willing to tolerate. If he chooses to continue going out without you, that's his decision and yours will be to be done with him. 

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

Yes, it's the same man... we've been together on and off for about 9 years, most recently 8 months without a break, as we have been working through things in our relationship.

I do feel that he excludes me at times, but for instances like his birthday, I didn't know how to feel as although that girl was there, he had told me it was supposed to ve just his guy mates, which I didn't mind. 

You know, if this was being posted by someone 35+ years old, I'd feel really bad for you. But you're 25 years old, which means that this is a relationship out of childhood. He's still behaving like a spoiled little boy and you're behaving like a clueless, helpless child. Time for whitesand3 to grow up and leave the playpen. Unhitch your cart from this dead weight. There's a whole world in front of you and a whole life to live.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

f he's trying to network as a model and get work, sure he can go to a club or a party of a photographer to make connections.

Good point.  In this situation I doubt it's really about "networking" but in general don't date someone who needs to network at social gatherings where it's not really a "bring your partner" sort of thing (my husband does in particular at conferences he travels to without us) if you are particularly insecure/fragile about that sort of thing.  When I worked full time and had to network I very often was in party atmosphere with lots of singles without my SO and it was totally fine of course. 

All business from my perspective (and when I was also single I did both -business plus keeping an eye out for potential people to get to know personally -so yes it's that kind of atmosphere too, requires simply trusting your partner).

And if it's modeling of course he has to look hot too.  In the future you might want to avoid dating models or people who make money based on their physical features and need to be out and about to make those sorts of connections.  

 

[boltnrun]

Perhaps, but going to a birthday party as the date of another woman does not, IMO, qualify as "networking".

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When I worked full time and had to network I very often was in party atmosphere with lots of singles without my SO and it was totally fine of course. 

But you didn't go to parties as the date of a man other than your husband, I presume. And the OP's on-off boyfriend has engaged in shady behavior in the past and they are attending counseling. So this issue is more complex than just her being insecure about him "networking", again IMO.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Perhaps, but going to a birthday party as the date of another woman does not, IMO, qualify as "networking".

But you didn't go to parties as the date of a man other than your husband, I presume. And the OP's on-off boyfriend has engaged in shady behavior in the past and they are attending counseling. So this issue is more complex than just her being insecure about him "networking", again IMO.

Yes I wrote that what is going on here is not ok.  But I also think she might want to reconsider dating men who are models or rely on their looks to make a living and have to network a lot - it takes a really thick skin and there are a lot of gray areas.  This is not one of them.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're overinvolved and overinvesting. He's underinvesting and under involved. Free yourself for a stable respectful relationship, where it's clear you are dating each other. Unless this open nebulous arrangement is ok for you as well.

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're overinvolved and overinvesting. He's underinvesting and under involved. Free yourself for a stable respectful relationship, where it's clear you are dating each other. Unless this open nebulous arrangement is ok for you as well.

They say the partner who has the least amount of attachment and feelings is the one who holds all the power. The solution is to find an equal partner where you don't have to go through all this "work" to try to hang onto him.

[SooSad33]

On 5/5/2022 at 9:09 AM, whitesand3 said:

we had been together nearly 4 years before we first broke up, the second time it was after 2 years. Last 2 years have been extremely rough, and both of us tried ending it at different points, lines were extremely blurred where we didn't know whether we were together or not a lot of the times. The last 8 months have been solid

IMO, there has been a LOT of uncertainty between you two - over the years.

Often, after the first initial BU, it causes such an uproar and ends up affecting the whole aspect of the relationship. Eg, trust, and pains due to the BU, etc.

Then... you try again.. and again.  Now, you see possible end results?  Having those rough times?  Maybe because you two don't know if you're coming or going 😕 .

So now... you say things have ben going well ( round 3 is it?) .  And YOU have been doing some work on yourself?  Okay, good!  (what about him?).  Is true, it often will NOT work out if whatever is causing the BU's is not fixed.

And now, with the issue of your BF wanting to go hang with some chicklet & her friends he doesn't even know?  Yes, is odd and in ways disrespectful.  Does he even take YOUR feelings into consideration?  Do you trust him?

IMO, If this were my BF, I would be kicking up a stink about this and would hope he either says thanks but no, OR invited me along too!

And, I will also add, that if it's been so unstable time & time again, I just couldn't do it anymore 😕 .  Re: my past & an ex who did something similar ( push & pull over 3 yr period), In the end, it was all or nothing.  I was done being so messed up & hurt by his behaviour and no, I would NOT agree to being a 'friend' to him.  I walked away totally.  

So, is maybe some things to think on... Is it just time to admit enough, too much damage done?