Help, I am having severe second guessing over a break up

[blondydog]

Hello all. I am new to these forums, in fact I just found them today.

 

I am having a very hard time. I have dated this girl for 3.5 years. We have lived together for the last 1 year.

 

The first year or so of our relationship was good. We got along very well, with few arguments and had plenty of sex. Over time the sex fell off to practically zero (once in the last six months for example) and our arguing over even stupid stuff has spiralled completely out of control. We also have a lot of disagreements over some important longer-term issues (raising kids, managing finances, religion, and more).

 

When I moved in with her (she is 32 and owns a house, I will be 31 in July), I had a gut feeling that I was doing it for the wrong reasons (I was hoping it would save the relationship, silly I know). But I did it anyway in the hopes that the "voice in my head" was wrong.

 

The last year has mostly been bad. Sometimes we have good moments when I remember why I love her but much of the time is consumed by pointless arguments and emotional distance. In many of these arguments, she frequently ends them by telling me that "if you don't like it you can leave" or "this just is not working out between us," or something similar. Its hard for me to find much to say to these things although for a long time I just told her "this is crazy we can work things out."

 

Well, after our last blowout about 2 weeks ago I had to go out of town on business for 10 days. During the course of this trip I only called her twice and each time was a big argument within 30 seconds. I made up my mind that the right thing to do would be to move out upon my return, and end this relationship, even though I still cared for her very much.

 

When I got back and told her my intentions, she was crushed and asked me to reconsider. She told me that she "could try harder" at working on the things that were causing problems. I was very conflicted at this point and told her so, and also asked her why she had not worked harder in the last 3 or 6 months since we first started talking plainly about some of our problems. She said she didn't know why she was unable to do that before, but was sure that now she could work harder to fix the relationship.

 

I told her that I did not believe that she could work harder (even though I am not sure - but logically it makes no sense to me and at this point my feelings are a big hash so I can't count on them to help me make the right decision), and that in fact she was just grasping at the straws of something that was no longer there.

 

Then she told me that I had wasted the last 3.5 years of her life, and that she never wanted to see my face or hear her voice again. She instructed me to communicate with her only in hand-written notes until I get all of my things out of here. She told me if she calls my cel, that I shouldn't answer ans she would just leave me a message with whatever information she wanted to relay to me.

 

I went to work last Friday (the only day in the office since I returned from my trip), and when I got home she had gathered all of the gifts I had ever given her, as well as any pictures we had ever taken together, and placed them all in a box for me to take with me. At this point I started to crumble, because while she says she wants to forget she ever met me, I do not want to forget the good times and the idea that she would want to is utterly foreign to me.

 

I told her this, and started crying, and then we started talking some more, and agreed to talk more today about our problems and if this relationship might have a future.

 

Our discussion today was more of the same, she definitely believes that the relationship is salvageable and that if we work at it we could be happy together. I am not so certain that this is the case, and ultimately told her that I still think that I should move out and we should go our separate ways. At this point I left the house for a few hours because I was really in tears and could not stand to be here.

 

When I got back, she had found more items that signified our time together and placed them outside of her bedroom for me to find, upon seeing these I immediately collapsed in tears, because they remind me of so many of the good times that we had, times that can now never be repeated. When she heard my sob she came out of her bedroom, and asked me why the hell I was doing this to her, and furthermore why I was acting like I gave a damn when I was the one walking out on her. I couldn't really say much to this.

 

I am totally confused now. I have talked to my friends and some of my family about what I should do and all of them tell me that its up to me, but that they don't think our relationship was a match made in heaven, so maybe I am making the right decision.

 

I have never lived with anyone in a romantic relationship before, maybe this is normal for this kind of breakup, but this is hellish. I feel like I am putting her through hell, and I am not even sure that I am making the right call anymore. I know we were not happy, and I am not sure that we could ever be happy in the long-term. Now I wonder if I am making the biggest mistake of my life, because once I close the door her she has made it clear that it is never going to be opened again.

 

Are the feelings I am having normal? I have broken up with girls before, as I said not in this specific kind of situation, but it was never this hard. I always felt bad but not like this.

 

Thanks,

 

Eric

[RandomAdvisor]

The feelings you are having are normal yes. Time after time I find myself saying the same thing when giving people advice on this site. You have to ignore your feelings in this situation.

 

You and this woman are obviously completely incompatible. Sex once every six months after being together for only a year? And you're both in your early 30's? That's a sign of a completely unhealthy relationship. Plus you argue over little things constantly, and you can't even agree on crucial things like children and finances for the future.

 

Do you see yourself marrying this woman and having a happy life? I don't think so, and I don't think you do either. None of your problems are going to get better. You two started openly talking about your problems six months ago and nothing changed. It's time to walk away.

 

You know what you have to do, but it's hard. Pack your things and go. Initiate strict no contact with her.

[newts]

Are the feelings I am having normal? I have broken up with girls before, as I said not in this specific kind of situation, but it was never this hard. I always felt bad but not like this.

 

 

 

 

 

These feeling you are having are totally normal. It is so hard to leave somebody who has been a large part of your life. Collecting your things and putting them in a box etc is emotional blackmail, it is probably also that she wants to move on, however, she has known you for 3 and !/2 years and she knows how to push your buttons. If you said you didn't have feelings for her well the emotional outbursts would not happen. I believe she will continue to emotionally blackmail you, by calling you and leaving messages. Get OUT! Never look back. This lady will always be someone very special in your life and you to her. It is however, a changable situation, being able to work through the problems and it is possible if BOTH of you can put in %100 into working out your differences, unfortunately after time and if there is not 100% effort from both parties all the time you will find yourselves in the same situation 2 months or so down the track.

 

I wish you all the best, as this is a very hard, hard thing to go through when you have such strong feelings for somebody.

[spiderman_56]

well ... take a wild guess .. You knew it all .. You knew that you had to end the relationship and you took the steps for doin it ...but once you told her she all of a sudden become 'very nice' n is trying to please you ...

 

That's alwayz how it works ..the dumpee alwayz feel the need and get brainwashed into thinking that they love the dumper (human ego : we got pride and can not stand to be rejected , so we lie to ourself and make up false emotions) ..don't buy this crap ...

keep your head clean and get the .... out !

[blondydog]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I wish I could be sure we had both done everything possible to try to work it out. I was sure about that at one time but I am not sure anymore. It makes it hard to walk away but I am doing my best.

 

Eric

[RandomAdvisor]

Eric,

 

When you have to work at a relationship as hard as you did with your ex, it's just not worth it. The constant fights and making up...who needs that kind of drama? You're better off looking for someone you get along better with.

[blondydog]

I know you are right, but when I look at the old pictures and remember the good times, this gets really hard.

 

Today at 1pm is the moment, when I have to make my ultimate decision. At that time I am picking up my keys to my new place and paying my deposits, so there is no going back at that point really.

 

I just don't know if I can do this. I don't understand why now I am having these kinds of thoughts. I was all set in my decision but now .. I feel like I would do anything to save the relationship. This is totally irrational.

[RandomAdvisor]

Exactly. Emotions aren't rational. That's why you need to ignore them in this situation.

[blondydog]

Well, I picked up my keys to my apartment yesterday, and paid my deposits and rent. So I am now past the point of no return .. started packing and moving things as well.

 

I still feel like I am making a big mistake. Hopefully in a few weeks that feeling will subside.

[Mr. Cactus]

Blondydog,

 

Just to echo what the others have said, I think you have done exactly the right thing. I was very close to embarking on a very serious romantic relationship with someone who up until then had been a friend. But I realised that for all the things we had in common and how incredibly "compatible" we seemed, we were never going to agree on three fundamental things: religion, money and kids. She was anglican, I am what they call a "minimal athiest", and although I was perfectly accepting and even encouraging of her faith, she was not accepting of my lack of faith. She felt this was a huge stumbling block. As for kids, I don't want any and she did. That sort of tied into the money question, because she could not understand that in my view we would not have ever had enough money to bring a kid up the way I feel a kid deserves to be brought up. And then there were a lot of other attributes of hers that I just knew were going grind at me if we attempted to share our lives together, but were OK if we were just friends.

 

Luckily for me, I stepped away when I realised I had developed very strong feelings for her. Because it was better to step away sooner rather than later. Unfortunately in your case you just happened to have stepped away later. But the end result is still the same - it's just you will take longer to heal.

 

It's only been three weeks for me since I went into NC with this other person. I still think of her nearly all the time, but whenever all the good things about our relationship enter my mind, I always make sure I think of the reasons I ended it all and the hurtful things she did to me. When I think of that, there is never any question whatsoever that i did the right thing. I am sleeping perfectly well at night. I think as time goes by you will think more rationally about it and you will realise that the misgivings you "think" you are having are irrational thoughts. Even now, after only three weeks, I sort of can't believe how close I got to this person - I should have pulled away a lot sooner.

[blondydog]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I have completed my move and only forgot a few items that I will have to go back for later. I still don't know if I did the right thing though. Part of me feels good about being in a new place on my own, but part of me really misses her a lot.

 

We agreed to talk in a few weeks and see how we feel. She is sending me e-mails as well, where she asks me a question and then also asks me not to respond.

 

She told me that she either wants to continue the status quo, or wants me to tell her that I never want to see her again. I am not prepared to say the latter, that is where the "talk in a few weeks" thing came from.

 

Hopefully in time I will figure out what the right move is. If it was meant to be then we will be back together eventually. Right now I think I need to put some distance between myself and the situation, so that I can think with a clearer mind.

 

Eric