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My partner is a pretty severe premature ejaculator, am I a bad person if I draw a line in the sand and leave him??


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I'm a woman in my mid-30s, and my guy is a man around the same age. Both of us were somewhat inexperienced before we got together (a little before the pandemic). He finishes really, really fast. As in he has never lasted more than two minutes in the hundreds of times we've had sex. I've had a total of only one orgasm with him. If I get f****d good, I only need a couple minutes to get off, but he just cannot last that long.

I have some serious hangups about being manually gotten off by other people, so sex for us pretty much just means him inside of me. 

I don't know what else I can do other than leave him. We've talked about it a lot, but at the end of the day it seems like something he cannot fix. 

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Was he like that with all his partners? Does he have any health conditions?

If not, then it sounds like he doesn't care about your pleasure at all. I'd be out too. It's sexual incompatibility at its finest. It can make and break satisfaction in a relationship.

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4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Was he like that with all his partners? Does he have any health conditions?

If not, then it sounds like he doesn't care about your pleasure at all. I'd be out too. It's sexual incompatibility at its finest. It can make and break satisfaction in a relationship.

From what he's said, yeah. He's had sex with quite a few women twice, which he thinks means they think it's a first time issue, then realize it's a real problem.

He tries to last longer, and he's willing and even enthusiastic to finger me or eat me out, but I just hate both of those things, so it's not a productive solution. 

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8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Then yep, sexual incompatibility. Better break up and stop wasting your time with someone who doesn't meet nor care enough about your needs.

you're probably right... I don't think he doesn't care tho, he just has either a physical or mental issue which he can't seem to fix

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2 hours ago, frustratedvulva said:

He tries to last longer, and he's willing and even enthusiastic to

How long have you been dating? Are you in a relationship or just casual?

Don't try to fix, change or teach him. You're not happy and the resentment is just piling up. 

Set both yourselves free.

Let him find a woman who is satisfied with the methods you "hate" and you can find someone who satisfies you. 

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Hold on a minute...or two 😁

This has nothing to do with him not caring about your pleasure, heck he may care to much and gets to excited.

  I agree he should rub one out before you get started and see if that helps.  He is pretty young so how fast does he rebound and can get an erection again?

  There are lubes on the market for this very thing, condoms too.  

If you like this guy and this is the only issue don't you think you should try a few more things other than just telling him to last longer?  Let him know this is an issue for you and see if he will speak to his doctor about it.

 Dumping seems pretty severe at this stage.

 Lost

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Definitely let him go if this is such a big issue for you.  I have heard that there are ways for a man to work on this -but he has to want to.  I don't think it's that he doesn't care, he just doesn't need to have intercourse to be sexual and you do need intercourse to be sexual so you're incompatible.  Also I suspect that in general this is not someone you're so enamored with because you're mainly concerned about whether it makes you a "bad person" to leave him.  No it doesn't. It makes you a person whose priority it is to have a partner who lasts longer during intercourse and this is more important to you than other good things about the relationship.  That's ok but let him go so he can find the right person for him. You're not it.

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Ancient history I had a few nascent relationships where this (PE) was an issue.  It was never resolved, but I was also in my 20s and didn't have the patience to stand by while it got worked out... My experiences with folks who had actual disabilities in this department were better, because I saw a big effort in other areas and could express/enjoy myself without the penetration.  But when it's presented as the main event and intermission begins before the first act ends... sounds incompatible.

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15 hours ago, tmp050322 said:

. I've had a total of only one orgasm with him. If I get f****d good, I only need a couple minutes to get off.

How many dates have you been on? Seems like casual sex.

You're not compatible, that's all there is to it.

At 30 this is who he is and you are who you are. You're not fumbling teens, so why continue being frustrated and resentful?

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18 hours ago, tmp050322 said:

From what he's said, yeah. He's had sex with quite a few women twice, which he thinks means they think it's a first time issue, then realize it's a real problem.

He tries to last longer, and he's willing and even enthusiastic to finger me or eat me out, but I just hate both of those things, so it's not a productive solution. 

Well, it's OK if you don't like fingering or oral sex but to be fair he did offer to do those things for you. So I don't think he's actually selfish because he was "willing and enthusiastic" to do those things. I've been with many guys (not all) who didn't last long either. I don't think it's necessarily something they can control but you can use some things like desensitising spray or maybe some special condoms or something like that.

To be honest though sometimes some people are just not compatible in sex. It can be for a variety of reasons and in this case the reason is he can't satisfy you in bed because on top of his premature ejaculation, you also don't want to do any hand stuff or oral.

You could try some physical help like the desensitising spray or maybe Viagra so that he can still keeps going after he ejaculated. If that doesn't work you might need to either end the relationship or start broadening your mind to other ways to enjoy sex, like sex toys, oral, etc.

I mean, people can be incompatible with each other and I don't think it's a small thing if you're not compatible in sex. Maybe it wouldn't matter to someone asexual or with a low sex drive but that's not the case with you.

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2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I mean, people can be incompatible with each other and I don't think it's a small thing if you're not compatible in sex. Maybe it wouldn't matter to someone asexual or with a low sex drive but that's not the case with you.

I think it wouldn't matter to someone who didn't need intercourse to last for a long time to be pleasurable or didn't need to have it last a long time to have a satisfying sex life in general. That person might have a very high sex drive and enjoy sex a lot just not have the mindset that PE is a dealbreaker.

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Why do you have the hang ups with being manually stimulated? Is there a possibility you'd be open to trying those things or working on getting comfortable with those activities? 

Is it possible for him to slow down or stop for a little bit to calm down before he ejaculates too soon? 

If you've tried other methods or the other methods are too uncomfortable for you to try then I agree with incompatibility in that department. With this kind of issue it would require openness to trying different things and it doesn't sound like that's an option here. If the rest of the relationship doesn't make it worth trying to work on both of your issues and hang ups it's best to cut your losses and move on.

 

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... am I a bad person if I draw a line in the sand and leave him??

All adult relationships being voluntary, we don't 'owe' anyone a promise of staying forever.

The whole point of dating is to learn whether that would be something you'd want to envision.

If one person is unhappy enough to leave, then I believe that they 'owe' it to the other to do so and free them up to find the right match for them.

Really, what's the alternative, to stay and feign happiness while neither of you can get that time back to re-live over again?

It doesn't matter what choice someone else would regard as 'bad,' because nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

Nobody needs to be a villain in order for a relationship to not work out, but we each must adopt the temporary role of 'bad guy' in order to get out of it. That's nobody's fault.

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