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My boyfriend introduced me to his sister as a friend and behaves so distant as if we are just a friend, not even close ones.


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Posted (edited)

Hi my virtual confessor, I am truly upset and worried about my current situation. I love my boyfriend unconditionally he is everything to me. By nature, he is honest and busy in his life with his family and job.

We were together for the past 3 years but we have our place to live separately. I took a place near to him, he owns his one and I am rented similar to him. We both are financially independent completely. I bear my 100% cost by me and he does the same for him.

We both are working from home and have similar cultural backgrounds. Everything is pretty much the same. Now you may think that if everything is so picture perfect then why she is here?

Since we met, he was living alone here in the UK and I too. His family is based in the UAE, mine is also from India. We had an amazing time, especially since we stayed strong together during our bad times. 

Now his sister came to the UK in Feb and since I started feeling different. I know living alone and living with family is different and I admit that or at least I try.

First of all his family is very conservative, he could not introduce me as his girlfriend to his sister because it may create some extra complexity. Sounds weird but that's his point. 

Now his sister come over every weekend and sometimes on weekdays too. I stayed at mine so no issue. Initially, he did not give any time and stayed completely devoted to his sister but after that, he tried to find 5 minutes to jump over me for a cup of tea and leave. Which is not enough for me but still trying to accept it with a big heart.

He again back to normal when his sis was gone and he started making me feel special as if I am the only one. I tried to talk to him and never gets an answer why he keeps me a secret from his family. I tried to step back and he understood and convinced me by saying that "do not ever think that I would ever betray you just be with me"

And again I fell for him as I do. We share the same ritual and we had a big day in our religion where we celebrate Eid worldwide with family and friends. After three months he finally meets his sister to me but that was my initiative to stay together and not feel alone here when everyone else is with family. I invited both to. my place for lunch and tried to behave neutrally as his sister doesn't know about us and first time meeting as a friend. He bought her too. my place she is nice and Jolly. His behaviour was surprisingly absurd to me during the time. He came to my place and just only focused on his sister though I tried my level best to make her feel comfortable. He was talking chatting making fun only with his sister.  I felt neglected but behaved nicely till they were at my place. Once they left he texted me back with a big thank you for my gesture and said his sister liked me very much. I appreciate his message but said what I felt. he did not answer me directly and tried to cover it with health excuses which were not convincing. He said he will come back to have dinner with me once he dropped his sister, back at her uni (it's a long way 2hrs)but later he texted me to join them at the ice cream parlour. I said first no as I felt unwanted but then did not want to make it complicated so I joined them. As usual, his sis and I were talking and he was again talking to his sis and just replying to whatever force talk I was doing. He started talking about what he is gonna make a plan for his sister's birthday. His sister came to the UK 2days before my birthday that's why he just came to have dinner with me and didn't spend much time. Anyway, that's not the concern. 

I don't know what should I do, whenever I asked clear questions regarding ourselves he never answers me straight he always has left it to our luck more like"if we are meant to stay forever, we will" but that's not very rational or practical to me.

His sister has 4 months' holiday and she will move to him completely, and when she is with him, he meets me for a very small time and keep on saying she is alone I have to go. She is at my age 1/year younger than me. She is like to finish her studies in dec and after that 2years she is gonna stay here probably with him only. They have their plans and she is making her future and he is helping and nurturing her to shape her career.

I am. confused about what I am gonna do, where I am. How long do I need to act I am just a friend. And after all this behaviour when he comes back and started talking to me. like before I feel different. I don't understand how to react, because 2days back this guy didn't even hold my hand, nor sit beside me. in front of his sis and now he is hugging and laughing. I can't be so flexible with my behaviour. His distance behaviour stuck back in my mind and it's creating a problem in our relationship. I do not cope with dual reactions. 

Please suggest what shall I suppose to make it work. I love him and leaving him would be heartbroken. He became a part of me but also this is not what I want from my partner. What I want is for my partner also prioritise me as I do for him.

Am I doing anything wrong or thinking negative?

 

Share your thoughts to help me release some burden from me

Thank you 

 

Edited by Autonomous
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Posted (edited)

So really nothing has changed since you posted this nearly three months ago?

if the relationship continues, what is the plan for the future? He can't marry you and still hide you from his family, so does he intend to keep you as a secret forever and never marry you?

Let's say he does plan to keep you a secret forever. Are you willing to never marry and to only see him for five minute tea every so often?

 

Edited by boltnrun
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We are not the ones who can answer this for you. The person to ask is BF. If he won't be straight with you and offer answers that you find satisfactory, then you become the person who is relegating your SELF into limbo. 

If you won't walk away from someone who isn't honest with you or about you, then you're leaning the consequences--more of the same limbo is to come.

Head high, and respect yourself.

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Posted (edited)

This man is not that into you. By 3 years, he should have introduced you to his family members.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure it's his sister?

I was wondering the same thing.

OP why do you accept being treated like almost a friend instead of a gf? It's almost as if you are single here. Better off be alone and happy rather than lied to by this bf. The fact he won't give you straight answers shows that he doesn't care enough about you nor your feelings.

It's good you are reconsidering this relationship. He's not being a good partner to you.

2 hours ago, Autonomous said:

Am I doing anything wrong or thinking negative?

No. You are doing just right by thinking about this situation with this man. It would not be satisfactory for most people. Don't settle because you've been together for so long. You're young and you can find men who can treat you right and like a true life partner.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So really nothing has changed since you posted this nearly three months ago?

if the relationship continues, what is the plan for the future? He can't marry you and still hide you from his family, so does he intend to keep you as a secret forever and never marry you?

Let's say he does plan to keep you a secret forever. Are you willing to never marry and to only see him for five minute tea every so often

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Honestly speaking, as I mentioned he spent max his time with me when his sis is not around him. and then the situation, is like what's wrong with me, he spent a lot of time with me and I am not dealing correctly and making unnecessarily complexity. Kinda insecurity. 

 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure it's his sister? Why are you accepting being treated as a secret? 

Yes 100%/his sister and there is no doubt. 

I can not accept it that's why I am looking for a solution. 

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is he expected to marry a woman from his culture? 

No, and as I mentioned I am from the same cultural background. But yes my family is more broad minded than his.

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4 minutes ago, Autonomous said:

can not accept it that's why I am looking for a solution

The only solution is for him to come clean to his sister and family about you.

Otherwise, you have to be ready to walk away.

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So really nothing has changed since you posted this nearly three months ago?

if the relationship continues, what is the plan for the future? He can't marry you and still hide you from his family, so does he intend to keep you a secret forever and never marry you?

Let's say he does plan to keep you a secret forever. Are you willing to never marry and to only see him for five minutes of tea every so often?

 

 Of course not willing to stay for 5min only. I want to get settled completely with him socially. But he never answers me, I asked very upfront questions even when we were in a good mood still he barely answered. I don't want to.force him but don't I have the right to know what is my future with him? When I asked he replied who else I have, of course we will stay together.

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6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The only solution is for him to come clean to his sister and family about you.

Otherwise, you have to be ready to walk away.

Shall I give him more time? Becausese I just met his sis one time and thereafter forcing him to expose me who I am originally wouldn't be too fast ?

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Posted (edited)

Why are you a secret? Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? It seems your relationship is not what you hope it is or believe it is. Not only the secrecy but he doesn't make time for you. Basically you're wasting your time on someone who sees no future with you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, Autonomous said:

No, and as I mentioned I am from the same cultural background. But yes my family is more broad minded than his.

Have you asked him when he plans to tell his sister that you're his girlfriend?

You may share the same religion, but it sounds like there is a greater cultural gap than you anticipated. His family clearly has a lot of influence on him. This will probably not change.

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yes he does. I did not ask him but i would prefer to ask, i am sure he will not give me a straight answer. I do try to understand his restriction but i don't know how do i hide my own expectation.

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Common sense -a person who wants to be with you wants you to know that in as simple and direct way as possible -why would anyone risk you not feeling wanted and special so that you might choose to leave? He's being evasive because he likes having you around at his convenience -you are an option only.  He doesn't want you to get to know his sister because then when he starts pursuing someone else to date it will make it messier to cut ties with you.  

I absolutely get waiting to introduce someone you are dating to close family until it's serious.  So - like - a couple of months or a little longer if there is a geography issue.  3 years and she's at his home? And he gives you the brush off? He's just not that into you and I'm sorry.  It's not you being "insecure'.

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2 hours ago, Autonomous said:

Shall I give him more time? Becausese I just met his sis one time and thereafter forcing him to expose me who I am originally wouldn't be too fast ?

Share your concern again one last time. Let him explain why he won't even share this relationship with your sister.

His answers and lack of consideration of your presence in his life and feelings should tell you what you need to do.

That aside, my opinion from me having known the Arab culture: his parents must have some checklist for his gf and you don't meet some of it. So he's sticking around with you until some arranged marriage or checklist-wife material comes up and he'll out. It has happened to some people I know. I know of some women who were with arab/Asian men who even lied about having a wife and kids. So they're good at this game. It's possible your bf's family have him already set up with someone else, and that's why he won't say you're his gf in front of his sister. All theories.

I'm sorry it's like this. But be ready to walk away. It's good to have this conversation face to face with him. Don't let his "I love you"s fool you. Love is not enough to keep a couple going. Your deserve the truth and your deserve a fully committed man.

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I think its says a lot that he introduced you as a friend to his sister. After 3 year relationship. That means that he doesnt want his family to know about you. Perhaps because they want him to marry somebody from Emirates instead. 

Frankly, you are wasting your time there. No matter cultural background if somebody after 3 years cant even introduce you to family, what is there to ask for? Do you think something will change now? He barely saw you just because his sister was at Uni, with her living with him he would see you even less. Its clear that he hides you from some reason. Your needs arent met and if you are hoping for a marriage, you probably wont get that there. You will just lose time. So, just cut it through and find somebody who will not be dishonest with you and actually want you there without hiding you around after 3  years together.

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26 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Share your concern again one last time. Let him explain why he won't even share this relationship with your sister.

His answers and lack of consideration of your presence in his life and feelings should tell you what you need to do.

 

thanks for your reply, but here is something to add. his family stays in UAE but is originally from India only. Staying there for work purposes. He is the only male member in his family, his dad passed away and since then he is taking care of them. He has a traumatic family. one sis is bringing 2 children alone and staying with her mother in the UAE. and another one came to the UK. He said he is from a family where people by default considered a male member should first think about their unmarried/unstable sisters first and then think about himself. Very beginning he said if his family knows that he has a gf, they will start making mind that he is living his life selfishly and not bothering about his sisters.  I never lived or coped with this kind of family situation so it's new to me. 

Coming down to arrange marriage and all, not really that is the case as far as I know him. his family is actually not thinking about him (though it's a very hard statement), they are just thinking about their own sake and he understood but couldn't oppose it. He can not even share his inner feeling with anyone without me. And here I get stuck, I know he has a complex life .because he has 3 sis, one is unhappily married to India, one is divorced and cheated on by her husband and raising two children on her own. and another was is here in the UK who is aged enough to get married but couldn't find the right match for her and she is overly self-obsessed.

I kind of get badly stuck with emotional love and ignorant. I am living my worst time. he could not commit anything until his younger sister gets married and she is looking for her prince since 2016. I am living in a spider nest tbh.

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1 hour ago, Autonomous said:

i don't know how do i hide my own expectation.

If you have to shrink down to nothing and hide in a shadow, he has no respect for you and would be a terrible choice for you to continue wasting time on.

Find a man who loves, cares for and respects you. This is not some complicated "honor" thing. This is a no respect for you thing. It's three Years, not 3 weeks.

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Okay, but if you have plans to get married.... He can't keep you hidden. And the fact he is from India makes it seem more that he will fold and get into an arranged marriage situation. We've had many ladies here come for help as they see their Indian bf around the 3-5 years mark disappear/cut contact and then tell them a bs story. These men knew what they were doing aka getting a temporary gf until it's time.

If you want to be valued as an equal partner and be happy, he's not the man for you- regardless of why he won't share you with family. He's just not capable of being that honest loving partner, and had shown you he doesn't want to.

You have a choice not to accept this treatment and seek a true partner. Otherwise, you'll be wasting your time to find the right one to marry.

1 hour ago, Autonomous said:

kind of get badly stuck with emotional love and ignorant

Happens to the best of us. You need to make a choice for your own good at some point to live fulfilled and happy. Don't settle anymore.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have to shrink down to nothing and hide in a shadow, he has no respect for you and would be a terrible choice for you to continue wasting time on.

Find a man who loves, cares for and respects you. This is not some complicated "honor" thing. This is a no respect for you thing. It's three Years, not 3 weeks.

Agree.

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Culture aside.  Is this meeting your needs?  It doesn't sound like it.  For that matter it would feel rather insulting that he is putting his sisters needs over yours.  Unless he wants to grow old with his sister, he needs to be respectful towards you.  You need to tell him in more direct terms how this makes you feel about him and the relationship.  

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