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Letting a tinder boy visit for the weekend


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So I’ve been talking to this guy from tinder for about three weeks and I really like him. I’m not too worried about this because we get along fine, but he is 26 and I’m 20. Normally I wouldn’t be too interested in that big of an age gap, but the maturity is really refreshing compared to the guys my age. We have the same sense of humor and have been sending videos of us talking back and forth throughout the day and FaceTiming when we get the chance- so catfishing is not a concern. He lives a few hours away and has been mentioning coming up to my college to stay the weekend with me. Normally I’m not one to meet someone off of a dating app in a non public place, but I’m considering letting him visit. Is this a bad idea? Should I be concerned about the age gap? Is it weird he’s willing to drive hours to hang out? 

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Just now, Kacie logan said:

He lives a few hours away and has been mentioning coming up to my college to stay the weekend with me. Normally I’m not one to meet someone off of a dating app in a non public place, but I’m considering letting him visit. Is this a bad idea? Should I be concerned about the age gap? Is it weird he’s willing to drive hours to hang out?

I think it's a little weird.

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3 minutes ago, Kacie logan said:

Normally I’m not one to meet someone off of a dating app in a non public place, but I’m considering letting him visit. Is this a bad idea? 

This is not safe.

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Posted (edited)

You know, I'll never forget this strange thing that I witnessed when I was 19 or 20. I was working in a warehouse over my summer break. There were a lot of guys and I was getting a lot of attention. I remember this one guy John being particularly attentive. He was a little older, I thought maybe 26.

John was nice-looking I suppose, but he wasn't my type and I didn't pay attention to him. He was just another guy. One day, a group of us were smoking cigarettes on our 15-minute break when one of our coworkers patted John's shoulder and exclaimed to everyone, "This guy's 42! Can you believe it??"

Everyone was stunned, including me and I hardly ever noticed the guy. But damn, he did not look 42! The crazy thing was not that he looked so young. The crazy thing was that John was mad that his friend had blown his cover! John didn't want the girls to know how old he really was!! 

I've always found that so creepy. I didn't think a 42-year old could pass for a 20-something. But they can. People can stand right in front of you and fool you about their age, who they are, what they do. Anything.

You really don't know this guy. Be careful.

Edited by Jibralta
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Bad idea unless he is going to stay in a hotel and not in your room.  You dont know him!  A couple of weeks of texting is not nearly enough time to let some random guy stay in your room.

Are you prepared to have sex with him? I'd bet big bucks that is what he wants and expects will happen.

Meet in public like a coffee shop, dont invite him into your room.  If he gets pushy about going back to your room, make an excuse and get away from him.

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Do your parents know you're considering allowing a strange man you found on Tinder come stay with you in your dorm room?

This is a very, very bad idea. You know nothing about him except what he's chosen to show you. Please do not do this.

If he wants to meet you, have him meet you at a cafe on campus. And tell him you'll meet him there and be sure to let your roommate and dorm advisor know where you're going and what time.

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6 hours ago, Kacie logan said:

but I’m considering letting him visit. Is this a bad idea?

Yes, it is a very bad idea. 

You don't know this person. Letting a stranger  stay in your home is plain unsafe. Arrange a date and meet in a public place. Do not make it a weekend-end long date and absolutely not in your house. 

6 hours ago, Kacie logan said:

Is it weird he’s willing to drive hours to hang out?

Yes, I think it's a bit weird. Sorry, Kacie. 

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6 hours ago, Kacie logan said:

. He lives a few hours away and has been mentioning coming up to my college to stay the weekend with me. 

Sorry this is happening. Who contacted whom? Anyone who contacts you from a distance is a red flag. 

Anyone who ties you to a phone for weeks and weeks is a red flag.

It's unclear why you wouldn't date local real life men you can see on a regular basis.

It's pretty clear he just wants sex. Cyber-relationships are cheap and easy.

It doesn't cost anything for him to sit on the toilet and text you. Not even the cost of a cup of coffee. Zero effort.

As far as driving down to see you, he may be married or living with someone. 

Allowing a stranger to stay with you is like inviting a random guy on the street into your bed. Huge risks. And zero rewards. Even if he doesn't rob or rape you, you'll never hear from him again.

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He can stay at a hotel and you can see him outside in public. Solved.

You don't really know this guy until you'll meet him. And a real gentleman would not invite himself to sleep at your place.

9 hours ago, Kacie logan said:

? Is it weird he’s willing to drive hours to hang out

Well, if he's into you he would. But are you both willing to do ldr? Cause personally, if he did mention sleeping over your place, I'd assume he's buttering you up and in it for the sex.

Anyways, he can stay at a hotel. You can meet outside. Be safe always.

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Would you let an aggressive dog you saw attacking someone outside your dorm into your dorm room to give him some doggie treats? I agree with everyone else.  He should not know the location of your dorm (unless he'd be required to sign in/buzz in and it is enforced). 

Also Tinder Boy might arrange for his buddies to join him on a road trip for some fun at your dorm.  He's a stranger.

Many years ago I met a really nice single guy at a club med resort. We were in our 20s. I was feeling really bold and I was sober.  He was not.  I'd been hanging out with him and his friends for a day or so which felt like a year in CMT (Club Med Time).   We started dancing close and I wanted to be this "cool" gal.  So we fooled around outside my room then went in my room (I had a roommate -partitioned room -she was asleep?).  Anyway he tried to sexually assault me.  We did not have sex.  He asked for oral sex.  I said no. He said "you know I could force you" or to that effect. He half heartedly tried to guide my head and luckily couldn't because he was too drunk.

Then he felt sick from alcohol and actually fell asleep.  Dead weight so he stayed.  Next morning he left, hungover, thank goodness.  Again -this is a person I met in person. "Clean cut" and "educated".  So just imagine.  I was lucky after making such stupid choices.

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Kacie logan said:

Is this a bad idea?

Should I be concerned about the age gap?

Is it weird he’s willing to drive hours to hang out? 

Yes. Bad idea. Even if he's not a murderer. It's never a good idea to spend a long stretch of time on a first meeting. meeting over the phone and videos is not the same as in person. 

Yes. the age gap is too big at this stage of life. You should be asking yourself why he is into someone so young? Maybe he doesn't have the best intentions for a relationship? Maybe just sex? 

Yes. Again, ask yourself why he isn't interested in a local woman? Maybe he has a girlfriend? maybe he's willing to drive for sex? 

I'm sure you're lovely.  None of this is a dig against you. But your gut is telling you this might not be a great idea.  More than that it's real risk. 

I think allowing him to stay at your place is a very naive choice. Find a local guy.

 

Edited by Lambert
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I dont think its a bad idea to actually meet him. If its going to progress somewhere, you would need to meet him and see in person.

However, as others pointed out, its extremely bad idea to do it outside of public place. He doesnt need to be a catfish, or aftering anything else. But he could be, for example, rude, obnoxious etc. And that is the whole point because you dont know that guy. And are ready to spend the weekend with him. In your dorm. Until you get to know him better and in person, dont entertain ideas like that.

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Posted (edited)

There is always that little notion that if someone is open minded enough to have a stranger stay at their home having never really met them, they may be assuming you are very open minded about other things as well.

Set some boundaries, tell him to get a hotel room and see how he takes it.  If he has any character, he'll respect your wishes and if not, he likely has ulterior motives.   

Can you meet him halfway at a public place?  Setting limits speaks loudly of your own character and your level of self respect.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Bad idea.

I'd question why he's so eager to drive several hours to spend the weekend with you, after talking to you online for just a few weeks.  His intentions clearly are not to spend time playing tiddly winks.

At any rate, the writing is on the wall.  Hopefully you'll see this for what it is.

 

 

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53 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'd question why he's so eager to drive several hours to spend the weekend with you, after talking to you online for just a few weeks.  His intentions clearly are not to spend time playing tiddly winks.

Agree. If he were really as mature as you hope, Kacie, he wouldn't be pushing to hang out at a college with a bunch of 20-year olds. He would be more interested bringing you into his world.

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If he's such a prize, why isn't he dating someone locally? Gas is so expensive now. 

There's absolutely no reason for you to have a LDR, which is the most difficult and frustrating dating experience there is. Why would you even entertain that? You're in college, so don't you have at least 20 guys in each class? Is there nobody you have chemistry with in college? If there are none in your classes, join a school club. I was in the ski club when I went to community college. Lots of guys were in that.

Like others have said, it's harder to learn who the real person is when you're long distance. He could be hiding things.

Besides the safety factors of having him know where you live and being alone with him, this would not be the normal pace of dating, which often sabotages a relationship before it even begins. It's not normal to be with someone you've never met for 48 hours straight. A first meet should ideally be no more than two hours. 

If you go along with meeting him regardless of the long distance, tell him you're more comfortable if he stays in a hotel, and make a plan of how often and for how long you will get together. Make sure he knows you won't be joined at the hip, as it's not normal when you first meet someone, even if you share chemistry.

When you're in a LDR or any relationship, you're expected to make half the effort. As a busy college student, do you really have time to be making 4 hour round trips regularly? Do you have the funds to do this? Start thinking realistically if this is the sort of situation you really want. When I was in college, I didn't even have time to read a magazine.

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Even when a person lives close by and there are not super blazing red flags of safety concerns like there are in your situation (and you know it),  most of us know that we need to meet for coffee in a neutral place.  Why?  In case we don't like them, it will be easy to say bye.

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