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Yes I flirted (once) but now my bf won't forgive me and is trying to make me suffer for it


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Hey everyone I'll try to keep it short and I would really like any help. I have been with my bf for 3 years and we have a very loving relationship.  We’ve had some ups and downs but have worked through any issues we had and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.  We are truly in love and he treats me better than any guy ever has.

But then last weekend my boyfriend and I were at a party, and this cute guy I knew was there because he was friends with the couple who owned the house. Well, it somehow ended up that me and this guy were kinda hanging on each other, but to be fair it was only because we were joking around wrestling and tickling each other. At the time I wasn't thinking, I just considered it joking around. Well it hurt my boyfriend and I can understand that. I guess I assumed my boyfriend knew that I don't think of other guys that way so the thought that he would be mad didn't cross my mind. So I understand I messed up, but now he feels like he can't trust me anymore.  He was furious with me and practically refused to talk to me afterwards.

This happened Saturday night, then Tuesday out of the blue he starts to ask me about it again. It turns out he was recording everything that night on his phone and he wanted me to watch it with him so I could see how “terrible” I was behaving.  I wasn’t interested but he insisted.  I have to admit the video looked worse than I remember.  I remember wrestling and getting in a tickle fight with him, but imho I thought he started it.  But watching the video it looked like I was the instigator.  I kept walking up to him and pinching or tickling him until he fought back and we were wrestling around.  I also couldn’t remember us doing it that much, but in the video we were wrestling and tickling each other most the entire time, like 2 hours.  I was even sitting on his lap for a time while we “fought” each other.  I told him I must have been more drunk than I thought because I didn’t remember it being that bad.  Then he kept asking me over and over why would I do this?  I honestly didn’t know what to say because truthfully there was no reason besides I was just joking around.

We end up fighting and just going to sleep. Then Wednesday morning he asked me if I was mad at him and I said no, I just didn't know where we stand. He didn't understand what I meant. So I asked him flat out, do you want to break up with me because you have been acting kinda distant since the whole thing happened. He said no, we aren't going to break up, I just don't understand why you did it. Again, I didn't know what to say because the truth is I was just playing and joking around. Well, last night he was acting weird so I asked him again, and he didn't answer me. So I was like, does what you said in the car still stand, and he said yes. Then after that we were fine. He just keeps taking everything I say so personal. I feel like everything I say to him is wrong.

This morning he did say he loved me twice which he hasn't said without me saying it to him first since that night. I was just wondering if ya'll think he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to break up or if he is just trying not to hurt me. Cause right now I am hurting every day thinking he hates me. I know I messed up but do I deserve to be tortured for so long? I mean, it’s not like my boyfriend doesn’t have a lot of trust issues also. I don't know what to do because I thought of just breaking up with him but it hurts to bad. But staying with him hurts also. Thanks for listening. Any advice will help. Thanks again.

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6 minutes ago, Nikki2022 said:

it was only because we were joking around wrestling and tickling each other. It turns out he was recording everything that night on his phone and he wanted me to watch it with him so I could see how “terrible” I was behaving. 

Is this the same man?:

 

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Posted (edited)

Do you expect your boyfriend to be OK with sharing you with others? Did he agree to have an open relationship? And are you totally fine with him having physical contact with other women?

Also, you shamed him in front of everyone at the party. How embarrassing for him.

I think you want to be single but can't figure out how to tell him. Be honest and tell him you want to have fun with other guys so you're breaking up.

Edited by boltnrun
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13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you expect your boyfriend to be OK with sharing you with others? Did he agree to have an open relationship? And are you totally fine with him having physical contact with other women?

Also, you shamed him in front of everyone at the party. How embarrassing for him.

I think you want to be single but can't figure out how to tell him. Be honest and tell him you want to have fun with other guys so you're breaking up.

I agree.  This was not just flirting.  At all.  It was inappropriate and I'd have left the party if I was your boyfriend and likely ended things -that would have been my first thought.  There's a broad range of what is ok at a social gathering when you're part of a couple. 

Yes- a harmless quick flirty comment - that happens, stuff gets misconstrued in a crowded loud space -we all get that - and then there are couple who get off on seeing each other flirt up a storm with others -you knew you took it too far and you knew once you chose to get drunk you might choose not to behave appropriately so.... I side with your boyfriend -I feel badly for him having to be around you in that situation.  

 

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If he is just pouting you got off very easily. Others with more self-esteem would probably dump you on the spot. He makes you suffer because he is pouting for a week because you been flirted, was a bit physical and even sit in another guy lap? Again, you got off easily there. 

Though I have to admit its a strange dynamic. You trying to push his buttons and make him jealous. And him video recording that instead of actually reacting on the spot. You both need a lot of self-reflection if that is going to work out. 

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19 hours ago, Nikki2022 said:

I was just wondering if ya'll think he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to break up or if he is just trying not to hurt me.

I really don't know. If I were in his shoes, I would want to break up. But obviously I'm not in the situation. He may be hesitating because it's big decision to break up after three years together, especially if you think you're with someone you're planning to marry (or stay with forever). He may love you a lot, but if he can't trust you to know how to behave yourself, then it doesn't make sense to marry you (or stay attached to you forever). 

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Posted (edited)

He's hurt and humiliated.  Respect that that's how the incident made him feel and he isn't going to just get over it when it suits you.

You started off by explaining what transpired and ended your post making it all about you.  "You are hurting every day and feel like you are being tortured"  You go even further wanting him to reassure you and make you feel better.

Do you want this behind you?  Respect how this made him feel.  Period.  Allow him the space to deal with it in his own way.  Have some empathy and don't turn it around and make it about you.  No doubt this is no fun for either of you but just listen and tell him you understand.  This will take time and won't just go away when it's convenient for you.

Of course, if he's still holding this over your head weeks or months from now, then you can get annoyed.  But it's been mere days and his trust is shaken.  It takes time and a concerted effort on your part to gain his trust back.  The more you make this about you and your *suffering the further down a rabbit hole you'll fall.

Edited by reinventmyself
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If you can't come up with a better reason for your behavior beyond "I don't know..." and what you've learned and how you intend to change it, then you're not offering BF any reason to trust that you're self aware enough to not do it again.

 

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On 5/1/2022 at 4:55 PM, Nikki2022 said:

 me and this guy were kinda hanging on each other, but to be fair it was only because we were joking around wrestling and tickling each other.  

It doesn't matter how much you drank. That's not an excuse. Everyone else there was having drinks but not making a public display of over-the-top beyond flirting. Yes you posted this verbatim before.

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