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My Boyfriend is amazing but my trust issues keep coming up


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Little bit of a back story I was with a guy and got cheated on multiple times. Loads of maniplulation and gaslighting when I would confront him about this. Was very toxic and couldn't get out of the relationship. Now know my worth and wouldn't let myself go through something like that again

My boyfriend of a year knows about my past and my trust issues. I love him so much and he's constantly giving my reassurance and texts me things when he is out with his friends to put my mind at ease. I genuinely don't think he would every do anything like what my ex done. But I still get overwhelming anxiety when he is out and I try to keep it inside and not let it ruin his night. He will send me a message about how he can't stop talking about me and he misses me and I'll think its really sweet but then I'm back to thinking is he actually doing that? Is he talking to other girls? Am I being stupid for believing him. I sometimes get so overwhelmed I think about ending it with him to prevent myself from getting hurt but that really isn't what as I genuinely do love him and see a future with him.

Don't know if anyone has ever overcame this or has any advice for me as it's been playing on my mind

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My first question is this: when you start to feeling anxious and insecure, how do you manage those emotions? 

Or do you look to him to soothe and reassure you? Because if so, it will never work. You are going to need some ways to self-soothe when yours fears start creeping in, techniques that don't involve him. 

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13 minutes ago, anon1234xx said:

 got cheated on multiple times.

when he is out with his friends

Sorry this happened. A BF is not a therapist, so that would be a great place to start to manage your anxiety.

How old is your BF? When you say "out with friends" do you mean at bars drinking? Why aren't you going out together?

Don't punish everyone for your last BF. You can't expect this amount of reassurance and hand-holding forever. At some point you'll need to relax. You'll sabotage your own happiness.

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. A BF is not a therapist, so that would be a great place to start to manage your anxiety.

How old is your BF? When you say "out with friends" do you mean at bars drinking? Why aren't you going out together?

Don't punish everyone for your last BF. You can't expect this amount of reassurance and hand-holding forever. At some point you'll need to relax. You'll sabotage your own happiness.

We're both 23. Yeah out with his friends at bars/clubs. They usually go out for the football and none of his friends partners go with them so it's not something I'd feel comfortable going to

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I am sorry for your situation.  But it's really on you to work on yourself, to heal yourself, to be a good partner. 

You should be working with a therapist to find strategies to control your anxiety and emotions.  Your boyfriend, like everyone has their limit.  Overcompensating for your internal problems will lead to resentment and eventually ruin the relationship.

I have tried to help people and understand their short comings.  With time I have come to learn, that is too much for me.  And I have left some people behind simply because they are not taking responsibility for themselves. 

If you have a great guy and you love him so much, work on yourself to be a better partner.  

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I dunno, I like to give the benefit of a doubt. If the partner doesnt give you anything to doubt, than there is no need to overbear yourself with stuff like that. Because it will drive you crazy and in a lot of cases, drive other side away. For example, why do you need reassurances all the time? If he wants to cheat, he will still cheat. And you cant be with him 24/7 to know that. And you questioning him would make him think you dont trust him. Which would end up creating a problem even if he doesnt cheat. Because nobody likes to be under the microscope. For no reason other than because other side has trust issues from previous relationships.

As he doesnt give you anything to doubt(having his night with guys watching football at a bar isnt suspicious behavior) dont question it. You could still end up hurt, there is no 100% chance that you wont. However, it would be because the other side didnt appreciate you enough. Not because your own trust issues and you driving them away. You said you know your worth so let that speak for itself.

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Lambert and others gave great advice.  Also someone who is going to cheat doesn't need to be out at a bar to do so - unless you two are together 24/7 in person a person who wants to cheat can find ways to cheat.  You're not entitled to require him to check in with you as others have said but if you want someone to agree to never socializing where there might be single women present unless you are there you can try to find that person - but then you will have to restrict your life in the same way. 

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13 minutes ago, anon1234xx said:

Am I being stupid for believing him.

I've been with my current partner for almost 10 years and we are very happy. I've never caught him in a lie. I've never found out that he was somewhere he shouldn't have been. There are no buried resentments, passive aggressive behaviors, etc. We communicate openly and directly. I know all of his friends and they are all decent guys who are married and devoted to their families. He does not hang out with guys who might get him into trouble.

One day, it occurred to me that my boyfriend might just be the world's greatest liar. He could be cheating on me left and right. He's certainly smart enough to pull it off. Then I thought, how much time out of my life do I want to sacrifice digging through his emails and phone records to find that one sign of infidelity that I might be missing?

The answer is None. I'm happy in this relationship--and for good reason!! Why ruin it??

If I find out tomorrow that he's got a string of girlfriends all over the state, I'll be devastated. But then I'll get over it really fast because I've been doing right by me. I have not ignored any red flags. I haven't accepted any b.s. excuses from him. If he's managed to pull off a double life for 10 years, that's on him not me. That level of deception is completely diabolical and nothing I do can prevent a scoundrel from being a scoundrel.

42 minutes ago, anon1234xx said:

Little bit of a back story I was with a guy and got cheated on multiple times. Loads of maniplulation and gaslighting when I would confront him about this. Was very toxic and couldn't get out of the relationship.

I think you are traumatized by this experience because on some level, you accepted the lies and the gaslighting and stayed in the situation instead of leaving. That is you betraying yourself, unfortunately. It's your job to protect yourself. It's your job to chose people who treat you right, and it's your job to leave people who treat you badly.

You write about these problems as if your boyfriend is your captor and you're at his mercy. Like you're stuck hoping your captor does the right thing. But you're not a captive and he doesn't call all the shots. YOU have to to navigate the situations that arise in your life. YOU have to assess the situation that you're in and make decisions about act accordingly. That takes confidence, and confidence takes practice. So, start now. Be honest: Does your boyfriend leave you with unanswered questions? Does he disappear on you? Does he dismiss concerns that you have? Is he accountable?

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I'd consider working with a therapist, because the problem with asking a lover to cater to trust issues is that this will drive a healthy person away, eventually. It creates a dynamic that is exhausting.

Head high, and congrAts for getting yourself away from the bad guy.

 

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Posted (edited)

Basically he is enabling your behavior. This needs to stop or it will never get better for you. He gives you a "fix" and you keep needing it like an addict needs their needle. You need to stop asking for reassurance, and he needs to stop giving it to you. Time to wean yourself off.....get him to not call you when he is out. Call it a night and go do your own thing and not think about it. The more you push it back, the less it will bother you. Be confident in YOURSELF. 

Edited by smackie9
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People who haven't ditched their emotional baggage shouldn't even be dating. But now that you're already full-in, you might be able to save your relationship before it slides down a slippery slide of doom.

Start with changing your self-talk. "The control I have is to choose a guy who meets all of my main needs, lacks dealbreakers, and to be the best girlfriend I can be."

"I'm a survivor. I'm resilient. I can handle anything, even though I'll be upset for a while. It'll pass."

Because yes, there are no guarantees in life, but you do have the ability to make wise decisions. And that includes choosing a guy who is a good risk to your heart.

And then you just have to enjoy each moment. Be present. Don't make him the center of your universe. Keep a fulfilling life with girlfriends and hobbies, a rewarding career, and taking steps to set yourself up to be financially stable. When you do that, if a relationship falls apart for whatever reason, you still have a happy life in other areas.

Believe me, secrets don't stay secrets for long. You don't have to seek out signs of cheating. Something always happens whereas a person finds out without having to be a detective.

Don't make a person pay a price for a crime he didn't commit. It's insulting to him that you believe him capable of that. How would you like it if you went to dinner with a girlfriend and came home to your bf wringing his hands, and pain in his eyes, questioning you about the dinner with worry in his voice. How long would you stay with someone like that? Very stressful and a real downer.

My husband was cheated on by his two main relationships. He has never expressed suspicion in our relationship. I mentioned something to him about that and he said, "You're not them. I trust you." 

When I say I'm going to dinner with a girlfriend, he says, "Have a good time." I hope you can learn to do the same thing. Good luck.

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