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My girlfriend left me after being honest with a crush I had developed for two days


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I am 18M she is 18F. We had been together for 9 months (but loved each other for about 3 to 4 years). To start off I must say that, in these 9 months I have shown my girlfriend the greatest love and support I could ever give. Our relationship had 0 toxicity and rarely any fights, maybe some joking cheesy fights about who loved who more. I always took my free time to talk to her and show her care and love and support. I paid for all dates even though she insisted on paying something so I always let her pay for something small so she wouldn't feel guilty. I gave her gifts that were from the heart, I wrote her poems and wrote her songs and whenever I could, I would go on voice calls and play her guitar and sang for her until she slept. She was also very caring and supportive and did everything right. This was both our first relationship and we didn't have any problems. But one day a girl from my college (im a premed) hinted that she was interested. I was flattered and sort of had this two day crush on her. I am a person who easily crushes on girls but that never interrupted the love I had for my girlfriend and I already told her I might crush and she was okay and told me it was normal. But when I crushed on this girl I thought about her a little bit and became depressed because I knew it wasn't right, I didn't think of her sexually or anything, I didn't even talk to her or ask her her name I just smiled at her and tried looking her up, but I wasn't going to do anything. I told my girlfriend that I did something bad and confessed that I had crushed on a girl because we had promised to be honest about everything no matter what. She told me to tell her everything in detail and exactly what I thought. And my thoughts were not very good but they were thoughts your brain gave you whilst in depression and not anything that were actually a conscious decision. She told me the more I tell her the better and obviously she was upset. I promised to tell her everything and I did. She told me she understood and she said "thank you for telling me" I asked her if she knew how much I loved her and if she still loved me she said yes she does and that she wouldn't leave me because of this. I was very apologetic for what O had thought about (I compared her with my girlfriend and felt like I had a backup plan if she left me, I know these thoughts are absolutely wrong but I had them for a day and truly apologized for thinking such things) and after sleeping I woke up and saw a breakup message and she had blocked me on everything. I felt panicked and tried contacting her. When I was able to she didn't care for apologies she just wasn't going to forgive this. I know that telling your girlfriend you had a crush is not a good idea but I wanted my girlfriend forever, so telling her this truth was proof of that and she understood. To show her how sorry I am, I took 5 hours a day of my free time for about a week to write her a book about how much I love her and how sorry I am for doing what I did, I made a novel in there too. Just to show her that I'm willing to use my time for her. I gave it to her. She didn't care. I made a small box with origami. She also didn't care. She told me to give her the time that she needed and to stay away from her and let her be. I did. But now I do not know what to do. The break up was a month ago. I had been trying my best with her and she was too. But why was one mistake deserving of a break up. I truly regret what I did and had told her that. She always told me this relationship was the greatest thing to have happened to her. So why didn't she at least try and talk to me about it. What do I do now? Should I just wait? Will she forgive me or come back? Would a woman throw everything away in the past of what she considered a perfect relationship for a single mistake? I really need your help thank you. I know Im not the victim and that she is. But I truly never wanted to hurt her but I had to tell her the truth.

Tl;dr: I have treated my girlfriend with absolute care and love for 9 months, then I crushed on a girl for 2 days and admitted to my girlfriend then she left me after saying it was okay and that she wouldn't.

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14 minutes ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

  I woke up and saw a breakup message and she had blocked me on everything.

Sorry this happened. Do you go to the same school?

Telling your GF about all the other hot girls you notice is not "honest" it's insulting.

It also seems like you smothered your GF way too much. 

Take some time to reflect on how to have better and healthier relationships.

That means giving each other some autonomy, room to breathe and not playing silly truth or dare games.

Use appropriate discretion and tact when dealing with other's feelings. 

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Being honest doesn't mean oversharing.  You overshared in a hurtful way.  There's a song by Carly Simon called We Have No Secrets -google it and look at the lyrics and I highly recommend listening to it. 

A promise to be open about all information is not being "honest" -honesty is you don't lie.  If you have thoughts of being with someone else and decide nevertheless you want to be with your partner, you don't say that to your partner - "confess" to someone who is a professional, to a religious figure, to an anonymous message board.  It's not "honest" to "confess" thoughts. 

Would you like it if your girlfriend "confessed" that when she saw you without your shirt on she noticed you had gained weight in your midsection and she was a little turned off right then? Would you like it if your girlfriend "confessed" that she liked having sex with her ex sooooo much and once in awhile she thinks about what the sex was like? That's oversharing, tactless, and can be downright mean.  It's not "oh I was just being honest.

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It's a ridiculous notion that a partner needs to know everything that's going on in your mind. A hard lesson that you won't be able to bounce back from in this situation.

That's okay. Most people go through many, many relationships before finding their lifetime partner. It's likely this relationship would have ended anyway, especially as you're still enjoying your roving eye. You might have mentioned this crush as subconsciously, you might have wanted to sabotage the relationship as you're really not ready to be exclusive with anyone yet at this young age.

You have a faulty concept of "truth." Instead of divulging a brief crush, what you could have done is redirected your thoughts, time, and emotional energy into your girlfriend.

Similarly, if your gf had told you, "There's a guy in my class who I've thought is so wonderful that if I weren't dating you, I'd go for him." Would you like to hear that? Do you really think that's necessary info you HAVE to know and that she's mandated by your rules to tell you? If you think that, every relationship you have is doomed to failure. 

Time for you to reevaluate your ideas for your own good.

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I think maybe you wanted your girlfriend to be jealous and "fight" for you.  Which is great for your ego if it happens but as you've found, not so great for a relationship.

It's OK.  You're 18 years old and learning about relationships.  Take it as a learning experience.  Love doesn't mean sharing every single thought that crosses your mind.  It's OK to have some things for yourself.

Now, if you were only staying with your girlfriend until you were sure you could snag this other girl that would be a different story.

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28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think maybe you wanted your girlfriend to be jealous and "fight" for you.  Which is great for your ego if it happens but as you've found, not so great for a relationship.

It's OK.  You're 18 years old and learning about relationships.  Take it as a learning experience.  Love doesn't mean sharing every single thought that crosses your mind.  It's OK to have some things for yourself.

Now, if you were only staying with your girlfriend until you were sure you could snag this other girl that would be a different story.

No no I don't ever try to make her jealous and I wasn't going for that other girl. It was a bad thought I had. I told her because she always told me to tell her everything and she asked for details. I didn't want to hurt her or make her jealous I had no reason to

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12 minutes ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

No no I don't ever try to make her jealous and I wasn't going for that other girl. It was a bad thought I had. I told her because she always told me to tell her everything and she asked for details. I didn't want to hurt her or make her jealous I had no reason to

There's no reason to tell anyone everything particularly if it would needlessly hurt the person.  Would you tell her "you look fat today" if you had that fleeting thought?

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59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There's no reason to tell anyone everything particularly if it would needlessly hurt the person.  Would you tell her "you look fat today" if you had that fleeting thought?

Looking fat has nothing to do with the relationship. But crushing on another girl has. And anything relating to that is what I say

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You two are young and inexperienced, and this whole mess is a reflection of that. 

That isn't a shot at you, to be clear. I too fumbled many times as a teen when I was still navigating dating and relationships. She was being unrealistic when she first said she would want to know if you had a crush on someone else, and was drunk on the youthful notion that your love was just so strong she'd be able to handle it and you two could overcome it. 

Turns out, reality is very different. It hurt her a lot.  In ways she didn't expect. And you are learning the hard way that some things are indeed better left unsaid - crushing on someone else is exactly one of those things. You can't take it back now, and the damage is done. But moving forward, don't do something like that again. There is a reason we develop filters and why brutal honesty is not always the best policy. 

At just 18, you two were more than likely not going to last a lifetime. But that doesn't mean it was all a waste. You can take this a learning experience that will better prepare you for more mature relationships in the future. 

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1 hour ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

I told her because she always told me to tell her everything and she asked for details. 

Maybe she's a bit creepy and insecure if she needs a brain tap on your every thought. You dodged a bullet.

In the future, this is a red flag. Dating is not being hooked up to a polygraph machine and brain PET scan.

There's a reason your brain does not automatically broadcast thoughts and that is filtering. Just like a 3 y/o  child may blurt out unfiltered thoughts, an adult has enough reason and judgement not to.

Read the classic novel 1984:

Quote

In the dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, by George Orwell, the Thought Police (Thinkpol) are the secret police of the superstate of Oceania, who discover and punish thoughtcrime, personal and political thoughts unapproved by Ingsoc's regime.

 

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2 hours ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

Looking fat has nothing to do with the relationship. But crushing on another girl has. And anything relating to that is what I say

Oh so you promised to be open about any thoughts you had about other people no matter how fleeting? That's not what you wrote-you said you promised to "tell her everything".  My example was to show that this is not about being "honest".  Oversharing is not "honesty".  Listen to the song I suggested.  And, certainly, this is so typical of young relationships -these sorts of mistakes. I'm sorry.

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3 hours ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

Looking fat has nothing to do with the relationship. But crushing on another girl has. And anything relating to that is what I say

Yes, and now your relationship is over.  Your comment above almost suggests you meant to derail it?

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23 minutes ago, waffle said:

Yes, and now your relationship is over.  Your comment above almost suggests you meant to derail it?

Derail the relationship? No no I told her first I had developed a crush on a girl for 2 days and got over her. She asked me to tell her everything I thought about in detail and everything would be fine. Can I just say thank you for taking your time and commenting here I appreciate it

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So if you want to be with someone "forever" as you wrote then don't prove it by relaying an anecdote like "see I had this mad crush on ____ for two days but I chose you!!!"  That's not a good way to show someone how much you care -by comparison.  Now, if instead you said "I really wanted to eat the rest of the cheesecake last night but I know it's your favorite so I talked myself out of it even though it was soo tempting - that's how much I love you!"  Now that's cool.  That's an example of abstaining that shows true devotion IMO.  And won't cause all those understandably hurt feelings.  Believe me now she cannot unsee those images she must have of this hottie you lusted after.

 

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7 minutes ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

She asked me to tell her everything I thought about in detail and everything would be fine. 

Do you interrogate her? Do you insist she tell you about every cute guy she saw, every cute guy she talked to, every cute guy she masturbated to, every cute guy she follows on social media, etc. and so on?

This seems like pathological jealousy and insecurity to me, not "openness".

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Quote

My girlfriend left me after being honest with a crush I had developed for two days

Oh, well, c'mOn. That was a mean and manipulative thing to tell her, and for no productive purpose whatsoever.

You wanted to cause drama, and you did it.

That wasn't 'honest', it was superfluous and hurtful.  

You've received a lesson in applying discretion rather than self-indulgence.

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4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, well, c'mOn. That was a mean and manipulative thing to tell her, and for no productive purpose whatsoever.

You wanted to cause drama, and you did it.

That wasn't 'honest', it was superfluous and hurtful.  

You've received a lesson in applying discretion rather than self-indulgence.

How is it manipulative though? I had a crush I really did not mean to have and I felt guilty about it because I'm not supposed to hide such things and had to tell her. She then asked for details. I really wasn't trying to hurt her I don't have a reason for drama

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1 hour ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

I had a crush I really did not mean to have and I felt guilty about it because I'm not supposed to hide such things and had to tell her.

As you get older and gain more experience, you will see why it was in fact not at all necessary to tell her. Crushes come and go. Your (and your ex's) inexperience with relationships led you to mistake oversharing for honesty. 

All you can do is recognize that it was in fact a dealbreaker, and that it's time to move on. At your very young ages, you were most likely going to part ways sooner or later. This just happened to be the catalyst for it this time. 

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1 hour ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

How is it manipulative though? I had a crush I really did not mean to have and I felt guilty about it because I'm not supposed to hide such things and had to tell her. She then asked for details. I really wasn't trying to hurt her I don't have a reason for drama

Unloading your guilt on someone else -someone you say you care about -is hurtful and selfish.  You are supposed to be discreet and keep things to yourself which can hurt another person needlessly. That's called being caring.  We choose not to express certain thoughts or feelings because even if it might make us feel better we know it would hurt the other person for no good reason.   Did you look up that Carly Simon song I suggested -it really does say it all.  

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7 hours ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

I'm not supposed to hide such things and had to tell her.

Who says you're not supposed to "hide" such things?  And why did you "have" to tell her?

Are you trying to say if you'd just realized it was a fleeting thing and went on with your life because it had zero impact on your relationship you'd still want to tell your girlfriend?

I'm sorry but that certainly does seem like you were trying to get some kind of reaction out of her.  Like, "look at me, other girls want me!  I'm such a catch!  But lucky for you I chose to stay with you!"  And it backfired big time.  You got a reaction all right, just not the one you were expecting.

You're very young, so you will do things like this while you're learning how to "do" relationships.  This is a good lesson for your next relationship.  You don't share every single little thought you have because it's not necessary.  All it does is cause chaos and hurt, as you've found.

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13 hours ago, Dinkleburg29000 said:

How is it manipulative though? I had a crush I really did not mean to have and I felt guilty about it because I'm not supposed to hide such things and had to tell her. She then asked for details. I really wasn't trying to hurt her I don't have a reason for drama

What, exactly, did you expect your GF to do with that information?

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OK here's a tip: never ever confess stuff like that. It's normal to be attracted to other people, even fantasize about them BUT you keep it to yourself...whatever goes on in your head, is no one's business not even your GF's. What you did was very hurtful and stupid letting her know. It should have never happened. From here on out, lesson learned right? Keep your mouth shut. 

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