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spicy friendzone love triangle from hell


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this is more of a vent, but i'm open to advice if you have any. sorry if it's a little confusing, my brain is scattered but i'm trying my best!:')

basically, i'm in love with my best friend. we've known each other since middle school and started getting close in high school (we're 20 now). i started catching feelings about 8 months ago and kept it secret. he's genuinely the most amazing person; i've never met anyone with such a pure soul. he's so kind and compassionate, wholeheartedly cares about everyone he comes across, and deserves everything good in the world.

for about 2 years, up until recently, he had a girlfriend- one who consistently treats him like garbage. from using him and taking his generosity for granted to dumping him to hook up with other guys and telling him all the details, she mistreats the living hell out of him. she broke up with him around 2 weeks ago. she said to his face that she hates him and never wants to see him again, told me she hopes he dies in a car crash, and apparently physically hurt him. but the next day she guilt-tripped him back into her life. with peace and love, she is the spawn of satan.

soon after the breakup, i was hanging out with him and he asked for a hug. the hug led to cuddles. over the course of a week cuddles led to kisses, hand-holding and 'i love you's. he treated me like i was his girlfriend and i swear i've never felt so comfortable and happy in my life. i've been in relationships before but they paled in comparison. he made me feel entirely, completely loved. it felt like everything was finally falling into place.

at least, until the other day when he called me to say that he's confused and still not over her so we need to stop. i had a complete breakdown. in fact, i'm crying as i type this. i'd finally gotten what i craved for so long and suddenly it was ripped from my grasp.

yesterday we hung out again. needless to say, tears were shed. he expressed how sorry he is and that he needs to process / heal from the breakup otherwise it's unfair to me- which i understand and agree with, although it hurts because he initiated everything to begin with. time passed quickly and at midnight, he was too exhausted to drive me home. i made his bed, took his shoes off and grabbed him a pair of comfy shorts to change into. then i got in bed next to him and prepared to go to sleep- but he said "do you want me to hold you just for tonight?" i wanted (and still want) more than anything to be in his arms, so of course i said yes. we spent the whole night cuddled so tight it was hard to breathe, and even did.. some other stuff, if you catch my drift. then he spent today with the satan spawn ex.

i have no idea how to cope with the fact that he's not over her. although he promised me he won't get back with her, she's been trying to drag him back in (most likely because he stopped buying her weed and giving her rides since that's all she really cares about) and the thought of it potentially happening makes me so anxious that i get physically sick. i just wanna show him his worth and give him all the love and affection that he deserves. she made him doubt himself so much and i want to undo that and show him how special he is.

i'm constantly paranoid that they'll get back in that toxic relationship, that he'll lose interest in me or find someone else. i obsessively check their locations on snapchat and when they're together, i can't stop myself from thinking of every worst case scenario. i worry that if i give him space and reserve my affection and intimacy he'll go back to seeing me as just a friend, or look for those things in the ex again. it's all so emotionally exhausting- i'm tired of never having a break from this debilitating life-swallowing anxiety and i'm tired of feeling hurt and used by the person who i've shown nothing but love and devotion to. he's too incredible for me to mess this up, but i have no idea what i'm supposed to do.

if you made it this far thank you so much<3 it means a lot

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11 minutes ago, bubb1es said:

 (we're 20 now).  she is the spawn of satan.then he spent today with the satan spawn ex.

Sorry this is happening. You seem quite jealous that he wants to continue to date her.

Don't chase friends or uninterested guys.

Delete and block him. You want a BF but he's not interested.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting guys. Stay away from guys in relationships.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes, and courses, make some friends.

Do you work? Go to school? Be more involved in your own life and don't chase other girl's boyfriends.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You seem quite jealous that he wants to continue to date her.

Don't chase friends or uninterested guys.

Delete and block him. You want a BF but he's not interested.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting guys. Stay away from guys in relationships.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes, and courses, make some friends.

Do you work? Go to school? Be more involved in your own life and don't chase other girl's boyfriends.

their relationship ended, they aren't together anymore and he's told me he doesn't want to get back with her and wouldn't do that to me. he said we'll most likely end up together. i'm just paranoid that i'll mess things up

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23 minutes ago, bubb1es said:

  then he spent today with the satan spawn ex.

They don't seem broken up. Although that's what you are hoping.

Find your own BF. Leave him alone. You're just filler for when they argue.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

They don't seem broken up. Although that's what you are hoping.

Find your own BF. Leave him alone. You're just filler for when they argue.

they've both made it very, very clear that they're broken up. he just feels bad cutting off contact because he's afraid she'll hurt herself, and he needs time to process everything and heal from the breakup before he can be in another relationship. it's not in my head, these are things that he's specifically told me. and he's the one who's initiated everything between us. idk why you're being so condescending lol

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Stay out of their business. Find your own BF.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

It may help you identify who's interested in dating you and who's just hanging around to kill time until they find someone else.

Stop smoking weed. It's clouding your judgement.

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You build him up so he returns to ex. Classic. You are young so take it as a lesson. That you cant fix something that is fundamentally broken. In his case, he is infatuated with his girl. No ammount of you meddling, or even showing him there is better, will prove that to him. She got him around her fingers. So, you are indeed third wheel.

There is no telling what would happen. Tomorrow maybe she gets bored and dumps him again. However, respect yourself. He may come back for "a shoulder to cry". Dont provide that to him. In any capacity. You cant allow yourself to be used as a therapist and for a sex adventure to feel better. As long as he gets back to somebody else afterward. I would even say its something that you should cut off completely. He is not friend anymore, you passed that line when you started to have something. And you are not obligated to have him there as he clearly didnt take you into consideration at all. Its still his decision to get back to her. So, let him suffer consequences of that decision. Without you as a trampoline to bounce back as he falls.

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 She got him around her fingers. So, you are indeed third wheel.

Yes this. What you term "spawn of Satan", he thinks is hot 🔥 . You'll never win a game played with his hormones.

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Watch the feet not the lips.  What he does not what he says.  He's not into you in the way you are into him.  If he was he'd have been with you a very very long time ago with tears of joy shed if any tears when you are the right person to find the right person.  Seems to me you find him so amazing because he is unavailable to you.  

You're not paranoid.  HIs actions say he is not into you.  It's not because of his ex and it's not because he's unavailable for any relationship.  He doesn't see potential with you -he likes hanging out with you and hooking up maybe because it's good for his ego.  He knows how attached you are to him.  

You're not showing love and devotion to him from a place of confidence and self respect -you're chasing him and telling yourself he and his ex are toxic, telling yourself she's a horrible person and you're settling for scraps.  That's not the kind of devotion that's part of any healthy relationship.  You don't know anything really about their relationship other than what he tells you.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Certainly if you've seen her abuse him physically or in an intense way emotionally then you can tell him you're happy to help him find domestic violence resources or a therapist.  That's what loyal friends do.  You're just trying to win a prize and my guess is if you really won you'd tire of him rather quickly.

Edited by Batya33
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First of all, I'd like to say that I really like the title of your thread. Secondly, what you are describing here is sooooooooooo common. And the advice you are getting is the correct advice.

I know it feels special with your friend, but he is a drama trap. Your hormones are raging and causing you to think this is magical and destined. It's not. He is a mess and he has terrible boundaries. Have you ever heard of "sweet talk?" That's what you're getting from him.

4 hours ago, bubb1es said:

i'm constantly paranoid that they'll get back in that toxic relationship, that he'll lose interest in me or find someone else.

YES! You SHOULD be. LISTEN to yourself. 

Yes, you've known him forever, yes he's not a bad guy yes, he's probably confused to some degree.... It doesn't matter. You will still get crushed the gears of this machine. 

The good news is, it's not going to kill you if you decide to stick around and see what happens. But it will almost certainly be a rough ride and you will probably come out feeling like an abused pile of discarded crap.

Edited by Jibralta
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Op you need to distance yourself from him until he is over his ex and is ready to date.

For now, you're some kind of rebound for him. He is not emotionally available to love you. And I don't think you want this from him.

So distance yourself and limit contact with him. At least for a few months after he's cut 100% contact with his toxic ex and gotten over here. Until then, stay as far away and don't meddle. You're not his life saver, therapist, nor mom. Ans you need to find an available man who can be devoted to you without drama. Someone who wouldn't play with your feelings. You deserve better than this. Don't settle.

 

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5 hours ago, bubb1es said:

do you want me to hold you just for tonight?" i wanted (and still want) more than anything to be in his arms, so of course i said yes. we spent the whole night cuddled so tight it was hard to breathe, and even did.. some other stuff, if you catch my drift. then he spent today with the satan spawn ex.

You can't see the forest for the trees. You have him on some pedestal when here he is, knocking boots with you after you cried when he told you he wouldn't be in a romantic relationship with you. How is that being a kind, caring, loving person? He took advantage of you to get what he wanted, and could've cared less how hurtful that action would be to you.

It's common for people to have these extremely close male/female friendships when young. Most of these, though, have an expiration date. Because when one gets in a serious relationship, the new partner isn't too happy about their significant other being besties with someone of the opposite sex. It's just a different dynamic, and when you add in the close friend having a crush, it's an inappropriate situation.

Relationships can't work when two people have different goals. You want him as a bf and he doesn't want that situation. If he was seriously into you, he'd explain that he wanted you to be patient while he mourned the relationship, AND totally stop communicating with and seeing his ex. This hasn't happened.

What would I do in your shoes? I'd tell him: For my own good, I'm going no contact with you. If you ever decide you would like to date me, you can contact me, and if I'm still single, we'll do just that.

If you choose to remain friends because you want him in your life in any capacity, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Your gut will continue to be in knots, and great guys who would actually want to date you will pass you by while you're staring weepy-eyed at someone who is just not that into you.

This is a learning experience, so make sure you learn from it so you don't repeat those mistakes. Take care.

Edited by Andrina
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YOU don't want him to go back to her.  He's saying he won't so he doesn't look like a "p" whipped loser, but if he's spending days with her he still wants her.  

He'll allow you to soothe his ego and give him some sex but as you've seen he won't get into a relationship with you.  Because he still wants her, no matter how toxic YOU think she is.

I would step away completely.  Spending time with him will only continue to hurt you.  Oh, and stop electronically stalking them.  That's unhealthy and yes, toxic.

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Oh dear. OP, you are going to get your heart crushed. 

This guy is not as amazing as you think he is. He knows how you feel, and yet he's still running off to spend time with his ex right after helping himself to your affections. Good guys don't do crap like this. They just don't. If he were really that great, he would sort out his clearly unfinished business with her and not take advantage of your enormous crush on him in the meantime. What he's doing right now - spending time getting cozy with you - is completely unfair to you. 

Despite what he's promising you, it is very obvious that he and his ex are not done with each other. Not even a little bit. And yes, they will probably wind up back together again. She may be a basketcase, but honestly? So is he for continuing to make space for her in his life. 

For your own good, you need to stop offering him the Girlfriend Experience. It's going to hurt way too much when he distances himself and lets you know very sheepishly that they're trying again. Or have had sex or some such thing. This won't end well the way you're going now. 

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Research the term 'rebound' and respect yourself enough not to position yourself for that.

My heart goes out to you, but you are inserting yourself into something that isn't finished between two other people, and that's a huge mistake.

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