Jump to content

"friendship" status


Recommended Posts

Very long story short: end of December, expressing my want, desire and passion for a loving relationship with care ended the 2+ year situationship I was in with a guy I STILL have very strong feelings for.. After expressing myself, he immediately told me he didn't want the same (in so many words) and backed away from whatever it was we were doing..but of courses the sex remained.. He told me we are friends, lets be friends, etc. "friends"...but when I try to go to him in need of a friend, he's not available for that either.. He blames me for that saying it is because I hesitate to express myself at times, he feels I don't trust him or look at him to be a friend I can talk to... but my hesitation is due to anxiety and the lack of having anyone who truly listens to me and hears me when I do speak...all of which he is aware of. 

I would love to have at the least a friendship with him but I will not settle for a selective friendship lacking respect. I don't think he will ever see the hurt he causes me because he's that insensitive and self-centered.. I cant believe I fell for him. I've been holding him to the idea, the potential I saw. The fantasies I've entertained and hoped would come to.. He was never going to be the man I saw him to be, would need him to be or that I can depend on. He doesn't have to keep failing me in my high hopes. I get it. I will let this go, the whole fake ass friendship!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 minutes ago, LoveStrong said:

the sex remained.. He told me we are friends, lets be friends, etc. "friends"...but when I try to go to him in need of a friend, he's not available for that either.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it sounds like you would like a BF/relationship, but he has demoted you from FWB to hookups.

 Free yourself from this so you can find a man who cares for you and respects you. End it, then delete and block him. He is not your therapist, in fact he doesn't seem to care about your feelings. Do not depend on people like this.

 Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get involved in sports, fitness nutrition and health. Make some friends. 

 See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, you wanted something more and he just wanted sex. You need to understand that he doesnt care for more. Even for friendship part. He wanted just one thing. And you attached to him in the meantime. 

So yes, let it go. You will never get even that friendship there. No matter how you try. Simply because the other side doesnt care for that. Go "no contact" and give yourself time to heal. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, LoveStrong said:

He was never going to be the man I saw him to be, would need him to be or that I can depend on. He doesn't have to keep failing me in my high hopes. I get it. I will let this go, the whole fake ass friendship!

But what do you really mean by this? He is a person who, like you, enjoyed having a sexual arrangement for a certain period of time.  Then you realized you wanted more and he didn't.  You chose to keep having sex with him but once he told you he didn't see potential for a relationship -and you wanted one - then any friendship was also not going to work if sex continued to be involved.  Just like you chose not to risk defining your sexual arrangement as a potential relationship, you also didn't discuss with him what you expected of him as "friends" -it's a really broad term.

I believe you failed yourself mostly -you continued an arrangement that was far too risky emotionally and far too imbalanced for you.  I'm sorry you are disappointed.  

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, wealthydior said:

Don’t ever contact him again he is using you. You can never be just friends with him since you still have feelings for him. He will only make you suffer.

thank you for your response. I agree. It is time to let him go.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But what do you really mean by this? He is a person who, like you, enjoyed having a sexual arrangement for a certain period of time.  Then you realized you wanted more and he didn't.  You chose to keep having sex with him but once he told you he didn't see potential for a relationship -and you wanted one - then any friendship was also not going to work if sex continued to be involved.  Just like you chose not to risk defining your sexual arrangement as a potential relationship, you also didn't discuss with him what you expected of him as "friends" -it's a really broad term.

I believe you failed yourself mostly -you continued an arrangement that was far too risky emotionally and far too imbalanced for you.  I'm sorry you are disappointed.  

No, remember you have limited details. We have had many conversations on various topics. Our 2+ years relationship/situationship has been defined as well as has gone through good, great, bad and tough times --like most relationships. At some point, things disconnected for us and we became a situationship.

Thank you for your response. I most definitely did participate in something too risky for my mental, my love, my time. Yet, I take every painful experience as a learning experience. I try to see the lesson in everything that breaks me. I once read somewhere "if it is painful, pay attention, it's trying to teach you something". 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it sounds like you would like a BF/relationship, but he has demoted you from FWB to hookups.

 Free yourself from this so you can find a man who cares for you and respects you. End it, then delete and block him. He is not your therapist, in fact he doesn't seem to care about your feelings. Do not depend on people like this.

 Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get involved in sports, fitness nutrition and health. Make some friends. 

 See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Thank you so much for your response. I greatly appreciate you taking time to read and reply with so much positivity and lift. I know I deserve so much better. I know I will get what I deserve. I am too great of a woman! 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

...

I would love to have at the least a friendship with him but I will not settle for a selective friendship lacking respect. I don't think he will ever see the hurt he causes me because he's that insensitive and self-centered.. I cant believe I fell for him. I've been holding him to the idea, the potential I saw. The fantasies I've entertained and hoped would come to.. He was never going to be the man I saw him to be, would need him to be or that I can depend on. He doesn't have to keep failing me in my high hopes. I get it. I will let this go, the whole fake ass friendship!

I'm glad I kept reading to this paragraph, where you're doing a wonderful job of talking yourself into seeing what you need to see.

You're aware that you've fallen for the fantasy you've created 'about' the guy, which, as you've noticed, has little to do with who he IS.

Consider the terms 'FWB' and 'situationship' as something to outgrow. They're messy kid stuff where it's all fun-and-games until somebody gets hurt. And usually, somebody gets hurt.

Skip that. Opt for self honesty about What You Want. I realized that I'm relationship material, and I'm willing to tell someone that up front in order to screen OUT anyone who's motives don't align with mine.

I turn vulnerable once I'm sexual--I bond. So rather than sleeping first, asking questions later, I screen out anyone who doesn't consider himself to be relationship material (doesn't know, or wants casual) and from there, I get to KNOW a potential lover, over t.i.m.e., and well enough to learn where I stand with him and where I want to stand before getting sexual with him.

Anyone who's not willing to invest in me to get to know me that well screens himself out, and all I need to do is allow bad matches to pass early.

Hold out for finding simpatico with the RIGHT person for you.

Head high.

 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

No, remember you have limited details. We have had many conversations on various topics. Our 2+ years relationship/situationship has been defined as well as has gone through good, great, bad and tough times --like most relationships. At some point, things disconnected for us and we became a situationship.

Thank you for your response. I most definitely did participate in something too risky for my mental, my love, my time. Yet, I take every painful experience as a learning experience. I try to see the lesson in everything that breaks me. I once read somewhere "if it is painful, pay attention, it's trying to teach you something". 

Yes so all the details I need is that you chose to have sex with someone you were friends with when you each felt like having sex.  I'd cut through the fancy terminology for your own sake.  Then, you wanted to be in a proper dating relationship with potential for a serious relationship.  But he did not want the same thing.  So you twisted yourself into a pretzel with conversational verbiage designed to help you justify to yourself why there were 'signs" he might want more so you could continue having sex with this person in the hopes of somehow convincing him to want more or maybe he would by osmosis if you just waited long enough.  I do not think he was using you. 

This isn't like "most relationships" because it was a sexual arrangement with a friend.  In most "relationships" that involve dating with serious potential, there are good times and bad times but the foundation is that the two people are dating exclusively, not pursuing others to date and see serious potential for the future.  Without that foundation and understanding -it aint just a label, believe me - there's a much larger risk that if there's a "bad time" there's no foundation to fall back on why you got together in the first place.  Here your initial foundation was friendship.  You chose to complicate that by adding in sex.  You benefited a lot at first because the sex was fun and good. 

Then the downsides outweighed the benefits because you felt attached emotionally to someone who did not feel the same.  You wanted something potentially serious with someone who did not want the same.  That's a huge downside.  That also can happen in a committed relationship - one person decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore - and then typically the people break up.  But more typically the bad times just means the couple argues, resolves it but it doesn't shake the core.  Your core was two friends having sex.  It's not a solid foundation for someone like you who wanted more.

Don't indulge in the details or telling yourself "but this is DIFFERENT!!".  IMHO it's not and you're doing yourself a real disservice by telling yourself it is.  Good luck.   

Edited by Batya33
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so all the details I need is that you chose to have sex with someone you were friends with when you each felt like having sex.  I'd cut through the fancy terminology for your own sake.  Then, you wanted to be in a proper dating relationship with potential for a serious relationship.  But he did not want the same thing.  So you twisted yourself into a pretzel with conversational verbiage designed to help you justify to yourself why there were 'signs" he might want more so you could continue having sex with this person in the hopes of somehow convincing him to want more or maybe he would by osmosis if you just waited long enough.  I do not think he was using you. 

This isn't like "most relationships" because it was a sexual arrangement with a friend.  In most "relationships" that involve dating with serious potential, there are good times and bad times but the foundation is that the two people are dating exclusively, not pursuing others to date and see serious potential for the future.  Without that foundation and understanding -it aint just a label, believe me - there's a much larger risk that if there's a "bad time" there's no foundation to fall back on why you got together in the first place.  Here your initial foundation was friendship.  You chose to complicate that by adding in sex.  You benefited a lot at first because the sex was fun and good. 

Then the downsides outweighed the benefits because you felt attached emotionally to someone who did not feel the same.  You wanted something potentially serious with someone who did not want the same.  That's a huge downside.  That also can happen in a committed relationship - one person decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore - and then typically the people break up.  But more typically the bad times just means the couple argues, resolves it but it doesn't shake the core.  Your core was two friends having sex.  It's not a solid foundation for someone like you who wanted more.

Don't indulge in the details or telling yourself "but this is DIFFERENT!!".  IMHO it's not and you're doing yourself a real disservice by telling yourself it is.  Good luck.   

Thank you for your response

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm glad I kept reading to this paragraph, where you're doing a wonderful job of talking yourself into seeing what you need to see.

You're aware that you've fallen for the fantasy you've created 'about' the guy, which, as you've noticed, has little to do with who he IS.

Consider the terms 'FWB' and 'situationship' as something to outgrow. They're messy kid stuff where it's all fun-and-games until somebody gets hurt. And usually, somebody gets hurt.

Skip that. Opt for self honesty about What You Want. I realized that I'm relationship material, and I'm willing to tell someone that up front in order to screen OUT anyone who's motives don't align with mine.

I turn vulnerable once I'm sexual--I bond. So rather than sleeping first, asking questions later, I screen out anyone who doesn't consider himself to be relationship material (doesn't know, or wants casual) and from there, I get to KNOW a potential lover, over t.i.m.e., and well enough to learn where I stand with him and where I want to stand before getting sexual with him.

Anyone who's not willing to invest in me to get to know me that well screens himself out, and all I need to do is allow bad matches to pass early.

Hold out for finding simpatico with the RIGHT person for you.

Head high.

 

Love it! I appreciate the guidance and understanding you express. Thank you soo much for your response. I agree with you totally! I promise it will be applied and useful moving forward. I focus on learning from life's painful lessons and you have given me an assignment to apply. -XO 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

Love it! I appreciate the guidance and understanding you express. Thank you soo much for your response. I agree with you totally! I promise it will be applied and useful moving forward. I focus on learning from life's painful lessons and you have given me an assignment to apply. -XO 

Certainly have casual sex if for some reason you are again a person who doesn't get emotionally attached through sex -but it seems to me that ship has sailed in your case.  I can relate and it's why I never had casual sex.  I knew I'd get attached (and was very concerned about STDS/accidental pregnancy).

I may have missed out on some fun nights but I also never got jaded or cynical about "men" for more than a couple of hours after some colossally bad dates.  And I dated for 24 years on and off before marriage.  

I'm sorry you're disappointed and delighted you're choosing to move on.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Being friends with a guy after having hookups and no relationship spells disaster.  They are not interested in being your real friend in the true sense.

It normally means FWB to them. Nothing more.   You will be let down over and over when seeking support or a shoulder to lean on.  I went through this and felt a distinct lack of respect from the guy after giving my body to him so freely.

Move on immediately.  

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/30/2022 at 4:46 PM, Superstickyone said:

Being friends with a guy after having hookups and no relationship spells disaster.  They are not interested in being your real friend in the true sense.

It normally means FWB to them. Nothing more.   You will be let down over and over when seeking support or a shoulder to lean on.  I went through this and felt a distinct lack of respect from the guy after giving my body to him so freely.

Move on immediately.  

 

 

I agree with you. Thank you for your response

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, LoveStrong said:

I agree with you. Thank you for your response

I think certain people are well-suited to being friends and having sex when they're horny with the appropriate amount of respect, when both people want that arrangement.  I don't think it's fair to generalize that men do not respect women who enjoy casual sex or vice versa.  I never wanted that arrangement and have seen countless times women regret their decision in hindsight and somehow blame the man for "using" them or not being respectful to them.  Most of the time that's not the case, it's simply the woman wanting more, and the man not wanting more and then blaming it on the man.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/29/2022 at 5:44 PM, wealthydior said:

Don’t ever contact him again he is using you. You can never be just friends with him since you still have feelings for him. He will only make you suffer.

thank you for your response.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
On 4/29/2022 at 2:23 PM, LoveStrong said:

He told me we are friends, lets be friends, etc. "friends"...but when I try to go to him in need of a friend, he's not available for that either.. He blames me for that saying it is because I hesitate to express myself at times, he feels I don't trust him or look at him to be a friend I can talk to... but my hesitation is due to anxiety and the lack of having anyone who truly listens to me and hears me when I do speak...all of which he is aware of. 

I’d work on that anxiety you feel and not having anyone to who listens to you. You’re working off an insecurity. These things make it harder to resist experiences that are unfulfilling. You’ve described this as a “situationship”. 

Meet others who have similar interests, engage in more of your hobbies and surround yourself with people who are much more like you whom you feel comfortable speaking with and know your opinion and time is valued. You seek individuals like this man less and less. And as friends, even less so. 

I think he’s twisting the situation and you feel disrespected at the way he speaks with you. He may also know he cannot fulfill the role you need as friend or partner especially if you’re insecure due to your own personal issues. You’re entitled to that, not feeling comfortable around him.

Change things around and explore more of your interests. Find more of your crowd and enjoy the company of others like you.

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Thank you. You are right on with your response. I'm certain he twisted things to benefit himself and has been aware he can't fulfill the role I require of a partner in a loving relationship. Definitely felt disrespected. I know my worth, value and how great of a woman I am didn't deserve what I allowed. I believe we go through difficult situations for lessons, to learn from them and be sure of what we don't want moving forward in life. I greatly appreciate all of your advice ❤️

Edited by LoveStrong
Add on
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

Thank you. You are right on with your response. I'm certain he twisted things to benefit himself and has been aware he can't fulfill the role I require of a partner in a loving relationship. Definitely felt disrespected. I know my worth, value and how great of a woman I am didn't deserve what I allowed. I believe we go through difficult situations for lessons, to learn from them and be sure of what we don't want moving forward in life. I greatly appreciate all of your advice ❤️

Yes but be careful to take responsibility for your own choices in difficult situations that involve your choices.  There's no reason to treat yourself dishonestly or with disrespect in the name of "learning" from a difficult situation.  I'm glad you are going to make different choices going forward and confirmed for yourself what you feel you are entitled to.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

Thank you. You are right on with your response. I'm certain he twisted things to benefit himself and has been aware he can't fulfill the role I require of a partner in a loving relationship. Definitely felt disrespected. I know my worth, value and how great of a woman I am didn't deserve what I allowed. I believe we go through difficult situations for lessons, to learn from them and be sure of what we don't want moving forward in life. I greatly appreciate all of your advice ❤️

You seem aware of your mistakes which is a great advantage in future when you meet others. We all make mistakes.

Stay positive and move forward from this. Too often we see issues on the forum and a person stays stuck in limbo too long lamenting the past or beating themselves up over simple mistakes. Let go. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/22/2022 at 1:36 PM, Rose Mosse said:

You seem aware of your mistakes which is a great advantage in future when you meet others. We all make mistakes.

Stay positive and move forward from this. Too often we see issues on the forum and a person stays stuck in limbo too long lamenting the past or beating themselves up over simple mistakes. Let go. 

Thank you. Yes, I have realized my part in it all. Yes, I have already let go of it. He still tries to reach out, of course, but I'm over it and, honestly, turned off. I see him with different eyes and knowledge. I am aware and see more of what was happening after stepping away and limiting conversations. Focus is back on myself, my growth and my happiness 🥰

Again, thank you 🤗 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

39 minutes ago, LoveStrong said:

 I have already let go of it. He still tries to reach out, of course, but I'm over it and, honestly, turned off.

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps so you can move forward without the background noise.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, LoveStrong said:

Thank you. Yes, I have realized my part in it all. Yes, I have already let go of it. He still tries to reach out, of course, but I'm over it and, honestly, turned off. I see him with different eyes and knowledge. I am aware and see more of what was happening after stepping away and limiting conversations. Focus is back on myself, my growth and my happiness 🥰

Again, thank you 🤗 

Welcome. 💗

I'm curious why haven't you blocked him? Are you hoping for a friendship? Block and delete the contact when you're ready. All that space can be freed up for real friends and someone special eventually.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 5/25/2022 at 3:26 PM, Rose Mosse said:

why haven't you blocked him

He's been blocked. He'd reach out using unknown phone numbers due to being blocked. Trust, changes have been made. I'm currently at peace, thanks to his absence. The isolation is giving me lots of clarity. I'm truly enjoying this space I'm in. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually (Guide To Building Her Interest And Sexual Attraction)
      Learn how to make a woman want you sexually! In today's video we're talking about sexual attraction and how you make a woman want you! We're going to be discussing some useful tips you can put to work to get a woman interested in you and building that sexual desire. Often men think they know exactly what women want, men in sports cars with big houses a big wallet and a bad boy attitude. This might be what the ladies want in movies but not in real life it's very different. To know what a lady wants you need to understand what you need to do to make her want you sexually. Imagine if you knew the secret formula to do this, the one that tells you exactly what women want sexually. The formula would let you know exactly what you need to do to get a woman to fall into your arms, sounds too good to be true right? Well it's not! It's as easy as being mindful of your own behaviour and adopting steel-proof boundaries. Want to know some more? Well don't move an inch.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to know when he's really fallen in LOVE
      You’re falling in love with your man deeper every day, but you don’t know if he feels the same way for you. It’s natural to want to know his feelings for you. What happens when he doesn’t say it or he’s not the type to say that? His actions tell you he loves you, but you could be wrong, right? So how do you know when he’s really in love with you? It’s not always so easy, but it’s not impossible either!

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Psychological Secrets of Attraction
      Knowing whether or not someone is “into you” can be incredibly difficult if they don’t explicitly say it. In this video, we will be looking at some psychological secrets of attraction.

       
      • 0 replies
    • This Healing Mindset That Helps Overcome Trauma Symptoms
      If you grew up with neglect and abuse, you've needed time to talk about what happened, and how parents and others treated you. But THEN what? Once you've acknowledged the past and gained an understanding of how you developed symptoms of trauma, how can you overcome those symptoms, and move forward with building a happy and fulfilled life? In this video I teach about the two general categories of comments I see on my channel, and what that suggestions about the commenter's readiness to heal.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "I Want A Girlfriend" Do THIS First
      I want a girlfriend. Have you ever found yourself thinking "I want a girlfriend" but you're not quite sure if you're actually ready for one? Before you go about doing anything else it's important to make sure that you actually need a girlfriend right now.

       
        • Like
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...