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I ran into my ex unexpectedly tonight.


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The timing on this is really weird because this morning I had this weird crying fit in the shower thinking this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life.  I will always love her and always miss her and never get over this.  I know this is completely unrealiatic to think.  But there are days when this is what it feels like.  I know she is toxic.  She's mentally ill.  She's an alcoholic in complete denial.  Every couple months she comes around to tell me how sorry she is and that she wants to talk.  Then she blocks me as soon as I say anything she doesn't like.  She just did this to me two weeks ago. 

So tonight on the way to work my cab driver had to stop for gas.  At the gas station I went inside to get a drink.  And she was working there.  This isn't the gas station she nornally works at.  Same chain, different location.  So I was really surprised when I saw her.  

I walked in and she smiled really big and gave me this really enthusiastic "Hi!" I said hi and just walked by her to the drink cooler. 

She was the only one working so I had to interact with her.  I said "how's it going?" When I put my drink down on the counter.  She said "Oh fine, just watching the cops and making sure no one gets hurt." (There were two cops outside.) I said they had been up at my work the last two night because we've had some trespassers in the building.  The whole time I didn't even look at her.  I kept my head down and was paying with a card, focusing on the machine, etc.  And then when i was done she was like, "You're all set." I looked her dead in the eyes, gave her a beaming smile and said "Thanks, have a good night." 

This is where it gets confusing.  She gave me the weirdest look.  I mean her jaw dropped and she looked really surprised.  I just walked out and didn't say anything else.  

I think she was probably really surprised because she expected me to bring up the blocking and apologize to her (for nothing.) Etc. I think she was probably really taken aback that I didn't.  

This doesn’t make me feel any better though. I am proud of myself for staying so neutral.  But at the same time, I am still in love with her.  I consider her the love of my life.  I was going to marry this woman. And I just had a 2 minute interaction with her that i could have had with any gas station attendant.  I had to go in to work right after.  I'm still sad and conflicted about the whole thing.  

Does anyone have any thoights on this?  I'm not even really sure how I feel.  

 

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20 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You just gotta tough it out and keep moving forward.

Agreed. 

It will get easier as time goes on, as long as you continue not to intentionally engage with her or respond to her, OP. You handled this unexpected run-in well. 

Keep on this track and you will someday find it hurts less. 

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3 hours ago, mylolita said:

You did great x

 

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You just gotta tough it out and keep moving forward. She's steps back away from you now, and within a few months her cloud will be away from you.

Keep going!

 

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Agreed. 

It will get easier as time goes on, as long as you continue not to intentionally engage with her or respond to her, OP. You handled this

unexpected run-in well. 

Keep on this track and you will someday find it hurts le

 

2 hours ago, Spawn said:

lol its the moment you feel like you got teleported to some other location, can understand the feeling mate, you did well.

 

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Whatever you were/are feeling internally, I think you did the exact right thing behavior-wise.

I wish everyone here could have seen the look on her face.  It was nuts.  As soon as I smiled at her and said Thanks have a good night she just looked so shocked.  I know she was hoping I would get emotional and beg her to talk to me.  I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. 

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

 

 

 

 

I wish everyone here could have seen the look on her face.  It was nuts.  As soon as I smiled at her and said Thanks have a good night she just looked so shocked.  I know she was hoping I would get emotional and beg her to talk to me.  I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. 

you're farther along than you think. I'd consider this a win.  

It will get easier and when you fall in love again, she won't be the love of your life anymore. 

She's the love of your life so far. but obviously you got a lot more loving to do. 

Proud of you mate!  keep going! 

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Posted (edited)
25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

you're farther along than you think. I'd consider this a win.  

It will get easier and when you fall in love again, she won't be the love of your life anymore. 

She's the love of your life so far. but obviously you got a lot more loving to do. 

Proud of you mate!  keep going! 

To be 100% honest, I don't see myself in another relationship, ever.  I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.  I just don't have it in me.  It's not like this is the first relationship I've had that didn't work out.  Out of everyone in my past her and one other ex of mine were the only ones who didn't cheat (most of them cheated multiple times, actually.)  Pretty much everyone I love gradually goes from loving me to hating me.  I'm a business owner, that is really destructive on relationships.  I have a disability, another really destructive thing in relationships.  As much as people like to say they would never hold a disability over anyone's head, most people would.  In my experience everyone has.  Not just romantic partners but platonic relationships also.  Most people don't have the patience or the empathy to deal with a disabled person for a long period of time. 

And on top of all this, all the women on my dad's side of the family die pretty young.  I got that side of the family's genes in every other way.  So I probably won't even live to be very old.  I probably only have about ten years left to live.  Why even bother? 

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17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

To be 100% honest, I don't see myself in another relationship, ever.  I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.  I just don't have it in me.  It's not like this is the first relationship I've had that didn't work out.  Out of everyone in my past her and one other ex of mine were the only ones who didn't cheat (most of them cheated multiple times, actually.)  Pretty much everyone I love gradually goes from loving me to hating me.  I'm a business owner, that is really destructive on relationships.  I have a disability, another really destructive thing in relationships.  As much as people like to say they would never hold a disability over anyone's head, most people would.  In my experience everyone has.  Not just romantic partners but platonic relationships also.  Most people don't have the patience or the empathy to deal with a disabled person for a long period of time. 

And on top of all this, all the women on my dad's side of the family die pretty young.  I got that side of the family's genes in every other way.  So I probably won't even live to be very old.  I probably only have about ten years left to live.  Why even bother? 

You say that now Cynder but honestly girl, let everything settle. You’ve already been through so much. You can carry on and keep going and going!
 

Onwards and upwards! We are all rooting for you here!

 

Never say never!

 

x

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16 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You say that now Cynder but honestly girl, let everything settle. You’ve already been through so much. You can carry on and keep going and going!
 

Onwards and upwards! We are all rooting for you here!

 

Never say never!

 

x

I agree. 

@Cynder I've been through the ringer romantically myself and I also wonder if it will ever happen for me again, too. So you're not alone in that. 

But I'm also quite healed from the heartaches of the past and have found being happy and content is possible as a single person. Maybe I will be single, maybe lightning will strike.

Continue to work on yourself and your healing journey.  You can't control when it happens, but you can get ready for it to happen.

opportunity + preparedness = success 🙌 🙏 ❤️

 

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Cynder. You nailed this. Great job!

 

Quote

To be 100% honest, I don't see myself in another relationship, ever.  I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.  I just don't have it in me.  It's not like this is the first relationship I've had that didn't work out.  Out of everyone in my past her and one other ex of mine were the only ones who didn't cheat (most of them cheated multiple times, actually.)  Pretty much everyone I love gradually goes from loving me to hating me.  

... Says everyone who's ever loved and lost multiple times while they're suffering the grief of the last one.

That's not dismissive.

Grief is real. It's actual suffering. It's not something we just 'encounter' sometimes and roll right out of. It's a devastating process that ranges from the lowest of unspeakable lows to barely tolerable to maybe somewhat more tolerable--then BAM! Back-the-hell down to an even lower low than the last low with no visible pathway out and no hope or vision for a future that can possibly be any better than this horrible, excruciating moment.

It is real. It's when we fly on instruments. We operate. If that's even possible. And even if it's possible, we suffer along the way, and we can't picture--ever--the possibility of a future time when this suffering won't be present.

And it might seem to you that with every encounter with Z you suffer a setback, but you don't. You're suffering a process that has needed to include repeated exposure to the cause of your pain. It may not seem like desensitization, it may not seem like progress, and it may feel like your investment in each encounter will always be a DEFCON 1.

But, you tasted a whiff of pride in this last one. Let it grow on you.

Meanwhile, good luck with your festival, and I hope you'll let us know about it.

Head high, and (((BIG HUG))),
Cat

 

Edited by catfeeder
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