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A bad OLD rant


Coily
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As I'm fresh off this incident, I felt like I needed to rant so I can just happily move on.

Started speaking with a match a few weeks ago, and she and I had a decent, but awkward rapport. She constantly brings up wanting, even in phone calls, wanting my full name and FB page to vett me. Normally this is much too invasive for me, and something I reserve for after a meet up in a public place. I expressed my privacy concerns sharing too much so soon, due to my work. I understand wanting to know the other person isn't a threat, but if it's a deal breaker then leave it be.

However this is where things with bigger red flags than communist party parade Beijing start. During some back and forth texts, she asks if I am OK with being platonic friends. Why take the risk of OLD if you just want friends? After she suggests a public place and time to meet, she then back pedals to:

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Before I meet people, they have to give me their full legal name so I can look them up. AND also I have to se thier Facebook page

I ask what prompted her to be this vigilant, expecting to hear about a terrible ex or incident.  But no, I get a lecture she would have given to a 5 year old.

At this point I just tell her, I'm "clearly too private for her. Bye." Which gets the response

Quote

i think what you meant to say was, goodnight!

I just repeated "Bye"

As it has been over a week, had an awkward kind of match making with friends over a fun weekend. She calls me out of the blue, demanding I sympathize with her as her friend has COVID. Needless to say I was baffled, as to why I should be sympathetic to her for her friend's health problems. I asked about the friend, but it was all about making her feel better about someone else. She then asked if I was nuero-divergent since I was calm and quiet about it, when the line went static-y she spoke slowly and loudly like you would a child. My only retort was, that I will do whatever I please with my own dang-ed emotions.

She next tried, and failed, to berate me and every other man on earth for not planning dates. At 6 minutes in, I "lost it" and told her that I had no interest in being interrogated by the gestapo, and believed that she was selfish for wanting sympathy for the suffering of others.  She hung up, and I blocked her number. I also called a law enforcement buddy of mine and gave him the full story, with texts; as I don't want crazy unknown to my friends.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get that idiocy off my chest.

 

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Well I think it's sort of become the norm these days to Google people and make sure they're not a catfish and everything. Although I think if someone really wants to make sure the person is who they say they are, they should just meet them in person and see. There is no need to push to get someone's last name. Also this woman was pretty tactless. Doesn't she know that if you're going to social media stalk someone, you need to do it in secret! Lol You don't just tell someone: "I'm going to Google you and look you up on Facebook". 

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You might consider using OLD for basic screening and to set up quick coffees after work with those who are willing to meet you to check one another out.

Spending a bunch of time on messaging or phoning is just fantasy-building, and that's premature before you've even learned whether you actually share any chemistry with someone.

You'll learn more in 5 minute in person than you can learn in hours and hours on the phone.

Head high, we all need to live to learn.

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It has become a pretty standard practice to at least exchange socials before meeting strangers online. I would recommend you to insist on that too. Or at least on a video call before meet up. You are meeting somebody who you dont even know. So establishing identity is a big thing. Not just because of scammers but also because lots of people has old or doctored photos. So, you would generally want to avoid any big surprises before meet up. 

You did dodged a bullet there though. That woman is a looney toon. 

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9 hours ago, Coily said:

. She constantly brings up wanting, even in phone calls, wanting my full name and FB page to vett me. 

Holy moly. When did dating become an application process for a top clearance CIA position?

You dodged some major baggage.

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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You might consider using OLD for basic screening and to set up quick coffees after work with those who are willing to meet you to check one another out.

Spending a bunch of time on messaging or phoning is just fantasy-building, and that's premature before you've even learned whether you actually share any chemistry with someone.

You'll learn more in 5 minute in person than you can learn in hours and hours on the phone.

Head high, we all need to live to learn.

As a woman I was able to avoid a number of potentially harmful in person meets and true wastes of time (ferreting out liars via the phone call, not the typing) by having a 20-30 minute phone call so I used it as a safety screening

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I know everyone Googles people these days but to be honest I don't think you always need to. I think it's enough to just meet in person and see how that person behaves. If you both got a good first impression of each other then you'll probably see them again and they'll give you their phone number. Then you might be able to look them up on Facebook by their number or you can just keep getting to know them. A lot of people's Facebook profiles are set to private anyway. So maybe you could see some profile photos but you wouldn't really know anything else about them.

I would also find it confronting if someone online was like: "Give me your last name, I'm going to look you up online". Sometimes there are some weird people online so I'm not that keen to just start giving out my last name to everyone. Also I think it's just tactless to say to someone "I'm going to look you up". I mean, we know people do it but the point is it needs to be done in secret lol I don't really want to go on a date with someone and them tell me: "I've looked at your Facebook, Instagram, whatever I found on Google". Personally that would make me feel uncomfortable.

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9 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Hopefully there isn’t a sprite for this woman. I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out. Just curious, which platforms/sites are you using now?

I'm more incredulous than anything else. In this case I'm glad things didn't work out, I held my forcefulness until she really started the telling me how to handle my emotions.

I've been using Match, but since I've been meeting women in person more I'm suspending the account.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she out on leave from the psychiatric ward?😮

She professed to be a nurse, but then again she may have been Napoleon the previous day! 🤣

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On reflection, I have more moments of "Haha you can't be serious." I sent a selfie and suggested a video chat; her only retort was that "Men use selfies for all sorts of nasty things."

All of this in the course of 6 days, prior to the "Okay Bye!" So my remembering it as a few weeks ago, is inaccurate.

Overall this violated just about every aspect of my normal dating life.

  • No selfie or video chat exchange early on
  • Dragging out a coffee date (thankfully never happened)
  • Not pulling the plug instantly when platonic friends is mentioned

Artillery shell dodged! LOL

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I video call men I've been texting before I confirm a date. You never know who's behind that screen! It's a safety and screening thing everyone should do in my opinion.

But yea, you dodged a bullet! Thank you, next.

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I think its human nature to give the benefit of the doubt, but the exception should be OLD. As soon as they say something or do something that raises a flag, move on.

There are literally millions people to meet and you could choose to date. From the word "matched" it should be fun and light.  Talking a bit and then quickly setting up time to meet in a crowded public place that is convenient to both people.

You can tell a lot by talking on the phone within 5 minutes. Then even more during a quick cup of coffee.

Everything else is nonsense. if a person is so paranoid they need an fbi check, then maybe old isn't right for them.  It's not your job to prove who you are over the phone. Maybe they're catfishing you. 

There were a lot of red flags here and you probably should ask yourself, why you didn't move on sooner. 

I try take people at face value. if the conversation didn't flow, if we seem to not understand each other, then it's not going to get better. 

Maybe that's why I'm single🤣 

 

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Coily!

 

Nice to see you around! ☺️
 

You seem to have no problem attracting women! What is stopping you completely ditching the dating sites and just going crazy and… meeting in real life? Library, gym, supermarket, hobby classes, bars, cafes? 
 

I am just such a fan of the original, organic meet and sparks and chemistry fly! I can’t tell you! It gets rid of all of these problems instantly. You can see her, she can see you - you can get a great feel, witness their body language, tone, all of that. Attraction is chemical as well. Us being mammals, there is also about pheromones and other chemicals that match up when we meet someone of the opposite sex. You just can’t get that through a screen! 
 

Maybe I am old fashioned… actually, I know I am in a lot of ways 😉

 

I know people don’t have much time and it’s kind of, convenient if you want to serial date but, nothing will boost your confidence more than getting to grips with the cold approach as well 🤣 Isn’t this where most guys who are just awesome with women earned their stripes? Rejection, rejection, rejection - BINGO! 😉

 

Brushing it off sailor then moving on too the next best thing? 
 

I wish you all the best luck I really do! 
 

x

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When I did OLD (stopped in 2005) I never agreed to meet without a last name.  I didn't always google.  I did not feel safe meeting without a safety screening and for me that meant a last name.  There was only one person of the hundreds I spoke to -who I also wanted to meet -who refused to give me a last name.  I did not meet him.  

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I did OLD (stopped in 2005) I never agreed to meet without a last name.  I didn't always google.  I did not feel safe meeting without a safety screening and for me that meant a last name.

Yeah, same--but my last OLD experience was in 2011. It was a new experience for me though. There was no such thing when I was growing up, and I thought it was kind of crazy to meet a complete stranger like that. I always met in a public place, and I definitely googled... But of course, people can lie about who they are.

Most guys understand, I think. One guy got slightly offended that I put myself in a strategic position behind my car door when he walked me out of the restaurant on the day we met. But he got over it lol--we ended up dating and he teased me about it. 

I never asked to see anyone's facebook back then. But at the time, there weren't so many crazy catfish/ false identity stories around. I might ask to see the facebook now. Jeez, I'd probably stalk the sht out of anyone I met online these days. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Most guys understand, I think. One guy got slightly offended that I put myself in a strategic position behind my car door when he walked me out of the restaurant on the day we met. But he got over it lol--we ended up dating and he teased me about it.

I've never known a decent guy who isn't conscious of the mutual hazards, once to the point of giving my name and number to one woman's friend. That said there seemed to be something off in the level of insistence with Ms Napoleon, everything was one sided in building trust. In all honesty, my guard is still up about going to a few places in the city I mentioned in passing; since I'm pretty easily recognizable due to facial hair.

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

You seem to have no problem attracting women! What is stopping you completely ditching the dating sites and just going crazy and… meeting in real life? Library, gym, supermarket, hobby classes, bars, cafes? 

I know people don’t have much time and it’s kind of, convenient if you want to serial date but, nothing will boost your confidence more than getting to grips with the cold approach as well 🤣 Isn’t this where most guys who are just awesome with women earned their stripes? Rejection, rejection, rejection - BINGO! 😉

Lo, Ive been sneaking off to can food! 🤣

My problem now days is attracting quality women, and OLD hasn't presented a harvest of quality either. Ha Granted my other problem is I am horrendous at cold opens, as I present my life without the gusto that I should. Maybe I'll find a sparkler, before I'm burned out. LOL

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