Infatuated or fall in love - big 2 problems

[justguy]

Hello there, im happy married man, 42, im working at supervisior manage workers, before 3 years ive start talking with one of the female workers (25), deep conversations, talking up late, share stories, as the time goes by ive started to "feel" something for her.

 

i start to fear from that feeling, those butterfly and started to cry in nights, i want to share with someone and express my feeling but i can't.

 

So one day, our female co worker start to ask me whats happen, why you sad and start to give me advices.

 

so we meet for couple of days after work just to let my feeling out, cry and cry and cry, now i have a problem because i feel emotionaly attached to my co worker for hearing me out and helped me.

 

what i can do? please i need advice

Edited April 27 by justguy

[Rose Mosse]

What kind of answer are you looking for? If you want to keep your marriage and remain modestly happy in any sense of the word, the answer would be to stop communicating in this way with your coworker. 

If you're looking to remain torn, upset, confused and live a double life and potentially lose your job as you're a supervisor getting too close with an employee, then continue what you're doing. 

Try looking at better ways to cope with any stress you're going through. Does your company pay for or subsidize any counselling or therapy? 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, justguy said:

 I start to fear from that feeling, those butterfly and started to cry in nights, i want to share with someone and express my feeling but i can't.

so we meet for couple of days after work just to let my feeling out, cry and cry and cry.

See a physician about your physical and mental health. It's not ok to "cry and cry and cry". Discuss your anxiety, depression and unhappy marriage.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss how unhappy you are and your inappropriate use of a much younger coworker to tickle your ego and dump your problems on.

 Leave this coworker alone. You are preying on her for your own excitement and midlife crisis. Women coworkers are not there for you to approach for "butterflies" or treat as therapists. Act professional at work.

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry you feel this way.

What's happening in the marriage? I see no mention of the wife here. Can you share how your marriage has been lately? Do you have kids? When/how did you meet your wife?

[boltnrun]

Share your feelings with your wife, not a coworker who you're considering having an affair with.

An affair will not only result in a divorce but could also possibly get you fired for preying on a coworker.

[justguy]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry you feel this way.

What's happening in the marriage? I see no mention of the wife here. Can you share how your marriage has been lately? Do you have kids? When/how did you meet your wife?

our married is happy, we share everything what in the mine and we respect each, we have 3 kids.

 

some notes for the previous comments:

1 - i can't share the story with anyone from my closed friends.

2 - i only share it with 2 male co workers, but i thought i need female side to hear me, i was just thinking that its will be like im "talking" to that worker.

3 - its like something exciting (bad word) but this how i feel.

 

i know its wrong, i know, but o dont know where to start, the only solution i have thought is to resign ans forget.

[waffle]

1 hour ago, justguy said:

 im happy married man

Happily married men don't dry non-stop to someone else.  Why can't you talk to your wife?  Why are you crying to your coworker?  And what are you crying about?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, justguy said:

what i can do? please i need advice

I dont understand to who do you confine? Coworker you got a crush or other female coworker?

Anyway, it really doesnt seem that you are hapilly married. So you can take all this as a warning of something missing there and working on that. 

As for coworker, dunno what do you want us to say? You are married so you know you cant pursue anything. So either

a) get divorced and pursue your feelings to somebody else

b) break off whatever you have with that person and work on your marriage

Anything else in between wouldnt be fair to either of them. 

[justguy]

Im crying to my female co worker about that feeling and why they only now start to hit me.

3 years im talking to that worker (not the co worker), and nothing happend, all of a sudden its start.

mybe because i share and expose my self to my female co worker i start attached to her?

note for previous comments:

worker - talked to her 3 years, friendly chat, etc...

female co worker - share my feeling about the case, cried, get advices from her, only 3 days.

but we work together 2 years.

 

i wonder for reasons for that, mybe i just in the age crisis, mybe im looking for a thrill? you know on high school dating, is this normal?

 

me and my wife dont have time to go for dates, kids, work, all this, just mybe jogging and walking, but not dates.

mybe this cause all the problem?

Edited April 27 by justguy

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay, but what about your wife? It's okay to have a crush to a coworker so long you don't act on it.

When is the last time you went on dates with your wife? Took a holiday together? Had fun? You need to work on your marriage.

Also seeing a psychiatrist should help you assess your mental and emotional state.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, justguy said:

Im crying to my female co worker about that feeling and why they only now start to hit me.

3 years im talking to that worker (not the co worker), and nothing happend, all of a sudden its start.

mybe because i share and expose my self to my female co worker i start attached to her?

note for previous comments:

worker - talked to her 3 years, friendly chat, etc...

female co worker - share my feeling about the case, cried, get advices from her, only 3 days.

but we work together 2 years.

 

i wonder for reasons for that, mybe i just in the age crisis, mybe im looking for a thrill? you know on high school dating, is this normal?

 

me and my wife dont have time to go for dates, kids, work, all this, just mybe jogging and walking, but not dates.

mybe this cause all the problem?

Yes, this would add to lack of intimacy.

[lostandhurt]

2 hours ago, justguy said:

our married is happy, we share everything what in the mine and we respect each, we have 3 kids.

Chatting another woman and then having feelings for her is NOT RESPECTING your wife or marriage.

What can you do?  Tell this woman you are sorry for dumping all your feelings on her and that it was wrong of you and disrespectful to your wife and marriage to allow the "friendship" to get this far.  Let her know it was not her fault but you need to stay totally professional with her from now on.

 You are going to lose big time if you don't wise up.  Your wife will divorce you and your job will fire you for messing around with a subordinate. 

  This isn't tough, do the right thing.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

Happily married men don't cry their eyes out in front of another woman they are attracted to.

OP, you need to be honest with yourself here. Something is really not working well in your marriage for you to have gotten to this point. You need to address that rather than look for other women to make you feel better. 

[catfeeder]

I'd get clear that work is not a therapeutic environment. 

So I'd buck up there and put my professional pants on, and I'd take my emotional stuff to a therapist.

[Tinydance]

It doesn't really sound to me like you are that happy with your wife. You don't have many friends? If you have friends then why did you start talking to a female co worker all the time and late at night who is nearly 20 years younger than you? Usually married people don't start this kind of friendship with someone of the opposite gender. I'm sure you're busy with your 3 kids, your wife and your job so why did you deliberately do this? 

I also think that your female co worker probably wouldn't want anything romantic with you. She's only 25 and you're married with three kids. Why would she choose you when she can have single guys her own age? 

I think you need to stop talking to your female colleague outside of work and don't think about her anymore. 

[justguy]

Thanks lost, i think i will do it.

Why i didn't talk to my friends? how? i can't share this to our closed circle friend...

I thought that someone from work can advice me, and this is what i do, with male and female workers.

The co worker don't know about the feeling, and its not full feelings, its only started to be, the problem is my feeling to the worker thats it.

everybody connect, everyone, what, im the only one who get emotionaly attach to people when i with them almost all the day, talking, laughing, and all that??

im not a robot.

😓

Edited April 29 by justguy

[justguy]

On 4/28/2022 at 1:46 PM, Tinydance said:

 

I think you need to stop talking to your female colleague outside of work and don't think about her anymore. 

How? i need to speak with my female co worker everyday about work related things.

its not easy

[justguy]

On 4/27/2022 at 7:20 PM, Wiseman2 said:

1 -  your inappropriate use of a much younger coworker to tickle your ego and dump your problems on.

2 - Leave this coworker alone. You are preying on her for your own excitement and midlife crisis. Women coworkers are not there for you to approach for "butterflies" or treat as therapists. Act professional at work.

1 - i dont know which job you have, but i like support working enviroment, i dont have an ego, problems i do, like all humans, we are not machines.

2 - i dont have midlife crisis, i dont have butterflies for my co worker, only i feel like that to the worker, not my co worker, and i think is ok that you can tell open thing to your team mates, male or females.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, justguy said:

i dont have butterflies for my co worker, only i feel like that to the worker

What? Clearly if you are "crying and crying and crying" to whatever you call "worker", "co-worker", whatever... something is wrong. Perhaps you work in a place where romances and personal drama is ok? Or perhaps you could use google translate to make yourself more clear?

[justguy]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What? Clearly if you are "crying and crying and crying" to whatever you call "worker", "co-worker", whatever... something is wrong. Perhaps you work in a place where romances and personal drama is ok? Or perhaps you could use google translate to make yourself more clear?

1 - crying and crying and crying, i just described the emotional turmoil I was in at that moment, yes when i talk to my co worker tears was in my eyes.

2 - i work at hi tech company, at supervisior job, and my company what i feel is very supportive, we know everyone ans its good thing

the co worker is from account department.

the worker (who i have butterflies and feelings) is from the qa software departent, and im her supervisior

we dont do drama or romantic but we open to each other.

Edited April 29 by justguy

[Andrina]

Look up and read articles on emotional affairs. That's what you're doing. It's your responsibility to place social barriers on yourself at work. It's not anything goes.

I'm sure your wife would be against you confiding in a pretty employee and meeting with her after work, even if no kissing or flirting is going on. This is crossing relationship boundaries. Think of your wife as a being in the room wherever you are, and if you wouldn't behave in a certain way while she's there, then don't do it when she's not around either. It's called being a decent partner.

You will have to change your behavior at work as well as at home. If that female co-worker starts asking about your problems at home or tells you hers, tell her you made a mistake and find it best to keep personal problems out of the workplace. For the good of your marriage, read books and articles on adding a spark back into your relationship, and reestablishing an emotional connection.

Edited April 29 by Andrina

[SherrySher]

On 4/27/2022 at 9:40 AM, justguy said:

Hello there, im happy married man, 42, im working at supervisior manage workers, before 3 years ive start talking with one of the female workers (25), deep conversations, talking up late, share stories, as the time goes by ive started to "feel" something for her.

 

i start to fear from that feeling, those butterfly and started to cry in nights, i want to share with someone and express my feeling but i can't.

 

So one day, our female co worker start to ask me whats happen, why you sad and start to give me advices.

 

so we meet for couple of days after work just to let my feeling out, cry and cry and cry, now i have a problem because i feel emotionaly attached to my co worker for hearing me out and helped me.

 

what i can do? please i need advice

What can you do? Stop talking to your female co worker.

You should be talking to your wife instead, and if you still need further help, get a counsellor/therapist.

 

[boltnrun]

Is it common at your workplace for someone in a supervisory position to confide their personal problems to and cry in front of lower level employees?

[SherrySher]

On 4/27/2022 at 10:39 AM, justguy said:

our married is happy, we share everything what in the mine and we respect each, we have 3 kids.

 

some notes for the previous comments:

1 - i can't share the story with anyone from my closed friends.

2 - i only share it with 2 male co workers, but i thought i need female side to hear me, i was just thinking that its will be like im "talking" to that worker.

3 - its like something exciting (bad word) but this how i feel.

 

i know its wrong, i know, but o dont know where to start, the only solution i have thought is to resign ans forget.

That so called "thrill" you say you have for your co worker and talking to her, how much is the "thrill" going to be if this destroys your marriage, and you end up in an apartment by yourself, no wife, no kids, no family and you've lost everything.

This co worker you are talking about, she is a kid compared to you.

You are creating a fantasy but you are playing a very risky game where you could lose your entire family, and not only end up all alone, but lose the respect from all of your family and friends, and the people at work.

Is it really worth it?

Make an appointment to see a therapist/counsellor asap. 

Edited April 29 by SherrySher

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, justguy said:

How? i need to speak with my female co worker everyday about work related things.

its not easy

I said you should stop talking to her outside of work. You said you were talking to her a lot, calling late at night, something like that? Of course at work if you are her supervisor you need to speak to her during work. But when you finish your job it is not required that you talk to her at all or be friends with her. Also it's unprofessional that you are behaving like this at work. You are a manager so you should treat all your staff the same. You can't just be close friends with one co worker (your crush) and then cry and confide to another female co worker. You are not on the same level as them because you are their supervisor. You shouldn't be favouring some staff more than others.