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How can I get a girlfriend


Miyakutsune
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Hello, I am Derek, I am 36 and have never been kissed or even really talked to a girl, I have asperges syndrom, no education, cant work, live completely off disability, can't drive, can't cook, am socially awkward, very childlike personality and sence if humor but love being active, music ect. I have no idea how to talk to a girl and am insanely shy around them with no confidence and feel rather pathetic to girls with a collage degree. I have been rejected on every dating site I've ever known and have never been accepted, I struggle with emotions because I am emotionless pretty much.  I've tried bumble, ok cupied  match, eharmony, tinder, zoosk, and over 20 other sites and faced constant rejection with zero likes, I am also fairly unattractive, with almost no social skill or access to any hrlp as I live alone about 20 miles from anything without Uber or anything. Y ultimate fantasy is to feel loved by a girl How can I date and find a girlfriend. My mother is dying and was hoping to find a girlfriend before she dies becsuse that's sll she's ever wanted for me but I have failed her, as usual. But how can I find a girlfriend  if all girls want is a guy who can work?

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Do you have a social worker or a counsellor who helps you with day to day decisions? 

You say you are emotionless but this may be feeling numb due to feeling depressed. Have you seen a doctor or have you been diagnosed with depression?

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Hi Derek!

 

Thank you for posting, you are very brave to come and open up asking for help!

 

If you do an internet search I think there are dating and match making services for other people with different needs, special needs, additional challenges. I hope this does not sound patronising, but sometimes dating someone who knows what you are going through and might be in the same boat can be really refreshing and confidence boosting!

 

x

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On 4/27/2022 at 11:20 AM, mylolita said:

Hi Derek!

 

Thank you for posting, you are very brave to come and open up asking for help!

 

If you do an internet search I think there are dating and match making services for other people with different needs, special needs, additional challenges. I hope this does not sound patronising, but sometimes dating someone who knows what you are going through and might be in the same boat can be really refreshing and confidence boosting!

 

x

Thank you for the advice, I've tried a few and evidently I live too far out away from everything. I am moving in with my father soon to help him out, I'll try again there.

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Are you involved with any ASD groups? If not, it would be worth exploring as they would help with your social skills and you may meet someone nice there. 

My previous partner had ASD and I met him via Plenty of Fish, so it's not impossible. As for getting rejected, on paper I have a lot going for me, but OLD still means I'm rejected a lot. It's sadly normal for pretty much everyone who does it. 

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On 4/27/2022 at 11:14 AM, Rose Mosse said:

Do you have a social worker or a counsellor who helps you with day to day decisions? 

You say you are emotionless but this may be feeling numb due to feeling depressed. Have you seen a doctor or have you been diagnosed with depression?

I am emotionless, because throughout my life I have been hurt so many times that the only way I manage to prevent getting hurt any longer is to kill off the part of me that is affected when hurt, my emotions. I have nearly no emotion when it comes to things happening. Example, my mother almost died a year ago from cancer, yet I felt nothing, no tears, sadness no facial expressions at all, my family said it was as if I saw her as some random person I'd never met. It's because I stopped letting emotions control and affect me long ago. I don't get sad when I see things happen no matter what it is. Emotions are a weakness, like depression is. I am more proficient and have higher control without emotions, but, like a Vulcan I can still love, and show compassion, but have to basically act it out as I can't just show it like people with emotions can.  I am about the lowest level of a guy a woman can get so I just need to find someone with low standards or someone who will accept me the way I am. But I fear I will never find anyone because of the way american society is. Everyone wants the best, which leaves poor guys like me who have nothing to offer but our full heart and love behind to usually die alone. I rather poor live off disability, no car can't cook have no education and can't get one due to severe learning complications. I just wish there was someone I could find that I could be with so I can feel like those people I see smiling with the ones they love. I just want to feel wanted, and not like some random worthless poor guy who won't ever know what love feels like

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On 5/5/2022 at 1:15 AM, poorlittlefish said:

Are you involved with any ASD groups? If not, it would be worth exploring as they would help with your social skills and you may meet someone nice there. 

My previous partner had ASD and I met him via Plenty of Fish, so it's not impossible. As for getting rejected, on paper I have a lot going for me, but OLD still means I'm rejected a lot. It's sadly normal for pretty much everyone who does it. 

I don't own a car and have no access to any groups of any kind sadly, and there's no taxi, medical transportation, Uber or anything around me.

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I feel you… I’m and have the same issues as being on disability, not driving and still living at home. I have schizoid affective though. But I feel you on wanting love but not feeling like a desirable candidate in the online dating world. 
 

I used to go on dating sites telling every guy about my issues so I can see if they accept me. I then with time and self realization I decided not to do that. I’ll have schizoid affective for life. THEY have to accept me or they can hit the road! I have to see if They’re worth it. To see if their worth my time and effort. That’s the new attitude I developed. 
 

Once you accept your shortcomings as being non negotiable like your Asperger’s. You’ll gain a better confidence that attracts people to you. 
 

I too try to not care and shut off my emotions for all the abuse I’ve endured. 
 

I then ask myself why succumb to others abuse in the first place. 
 

You deserve to be loved and happy. The negativity you’re projecting won’t attract healthy people. Misery loves company. 
 

Focus more on your good qualities and advertise those instead. 

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1 hour ago, Miyakutsune said:

I am emotionless, because throughout my life I have been hurt so many times that the only way I manage to prevent getting hurt any longer is to kill off the part of me that is affected when hurt, my emotions. I have nearly no emotion when it comes to things happening. Example, my mother almost died a year ago from cancer, yet I felt nothing, no tears, sadness no facial expressions at all, my family said it was as if I saw her as some random person I'd never met. It's because I stopped letting emotions control and affect me long ago. I don't get sad when I see things happen no matter what it is. Emotions are a weakness, like depression is. I am more proficient and have higher control without emotions, but, like a Vulcan I can still love, and show compassion, but have to basically act it out as I can't just show it like people with emotions can.  I am about the lowest level of a guy a woman can get so I just need to find someone with low standards or someone who will accept me the way I am. But I fear I will never find anyone because of the way american society is. Everyone wants the best, which leaves poor guys like me who have nothing to offer but our full heart and love behind to usually die alone. I rather poor live off disability, no car can't cook have no education and can't get one due to severe learning complications. I just wish there was someone I could find that I could be with so I can feel like those people I see smiling with the ones they love. I just want to feel wanted, and not like some random worthless poor guy who won't ever know what love feels like

Not sure that emotions are weak. They can alert you to issues especially when a situation or person makes one feel uneasy. In that way it's useful to feel or allow yourself to feel. 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. 

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When you move in with your father, research disability services in your new area. Perhaps training and other services exist you haven't been aware of.

In my town, I've seen people with Down Syndrome bagging groceries and bring groceries to people's cars, who request it. I've seen two young women with cerebral palsy in wheelchairs taking tickets at the movie theater.

You can type well and understand grammar and spelling. Perhaps there are jobs where you can perform typing skills. Jobs do exist for people with physical and mental challenges.

It's okay to vent and complain, as long as you're also being proactive in improving your life.

 

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On 5/6/2022 at 2:43 PM, limichelle said:

I feel you… I’m and have the same issues as being on disability, not driving and still living at home. I have schizoid affective though. But I feel you on wanting love but not feeling like a desirable candidate in the online dating world. 
 

I used to go on dating sites telling every guy about my issues so I can see if they accept me. I then with time and self realization I decided not to do that. I’ll have schizoid affective for life. THEY have to accept me or they can hit the road! I have to see if They’re worth it. To see if their worth my time and effort. That’s the new attitude I developed. 
 

Once you accept your shortcomings as being non negotiable like your Asperger’s. You’ll gain a better confidence that attracts people to you. 
 

I too try to not care and shut off my emotions for all the abuse I’ve endured. 
 

I then ask myself why succumb to others abuse in the first place. 
 

You deserve to be loved and happy. The negativity you’re projecting won’t attract healthy people. Misery loves company. 
 

Focus more on your good qualities and advertise those instead. 

I try to adversize that i like this or that, but 1stly, i don't know what site to use, 2ndly, if i do match with people, its usually pretty women with collage degrees and i keep thinking not, she needs/wanted a guy who can take care of her, has at least a job, car and so on then i see photos of her with her friends and i think, how will her friends or family see me, a guy who couldnt finish high school, never held a job, cant work, cant cook, cant drive, im basically a loser and have been shuned and called out on nearly every dating site, every time i talked to a girl shed ask me what i do for a living, then i say cant work due to my disability and then it leads down hill for there. I have been searching for a girlfriend for 25 years and always get turned down. My biggest issue, is where i live, girls dont date guys like me, we are ignored and forgotten, girls near me are well known for their stupidly high standards and are very gossipy and judgmental, and i am too poor to move to a different area andf dont even know how. I really wanted to find a girlfriend to help me out and to love and do things for before my mom and dad pass away because when they do, i will be truly alone to greaf alone with no friends and no help with life, and im terrafied to be left alone with no idea what to do. ill probably end up dead or dying real young sadly, from greif and lack of social interaction and well, it wont be good, i just wanted to feel loved, wanted and i am running out of time and strength and i cant pull motivation from anywhere when girls within 100 miles of me want what i cant give. I have nothing to offer but my love and that wont be enough according to every dating site and everything i find on my area. a guy down the street dies alone, lonly at 67, and i am afraid that will be me. I just wish more people were understanding and wernt bread by todays society to want a guy with everything, and leaving guys with nothing to die like rat trash.

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In my city there is a center for people with developmental disabilities.  They have events and activities.  It seems like they have a lot of fun.  Can you look into something like that?

Oh, and this center in my city provides transportation, so not being able to drive isn't an issue.  They come pick everyone up.

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Posted (edited)

Hi Derek. I am sorry that you have had a rough go of things. 

I see you posting about how you cannot do certain activities. You essentially stated above that you view yourself as a loser. In many respects, that low self-esteem will project out onto the world, implicitly instructing others on how to regard you. Sure, you do not have many of the stereotypical high-status markers. But that is not a necessary condition for finding love and getting married. There are people of all sorts who end up finding love and marriage and people of all sorts who do not. You are capable of love under the right conditions just like others. I think at least one of those conditions is to focus on what you can do and provide instead of dwelling on what you cannot. 

Stoic detachment can be useful (and Vulcans are frickin' cool) but I feel a full detachment has its downsides (that could cause a harder time connecting with others; and as Rose mentioned, not feeling emotions can remove useful indicia for how you should act in a situation) and it can be indicative of something more destructive. An inability or unwillingness to feel emotion can indicate depression or unresolved trauma. Or, maybe even antisocial personality disorder. In any case, I noticed you did not answer another user's question above regarding seeing a counselor. The statements you made on emotion and dying young from grief lead me to think that you would benefit from talking to a supportive third-party. A therapist likely would have more precise and professional insights than you may be able to get here.

Also, it is not just your town. It is not the case that women would date you but for some local problem that makes dating unusually more difficult than any other town. It is because - even despite the difficulties you face - you need to be able to offer someone more than just "love and support." How about fun, laughter, hobbies, being interesting, engaging in activities you find meaningful and worthwhile, etc.? Only having "love and support" to offer is likely a dispositive roadblock to your success in the dating world.

Yes, being poor, on disability, and etc. makes it more difficult for you than the average person, I would wager. You can't control all of those things. But you can work on yourself and make life better. And you can control what you can do and you can remove some of the aforementioned items that make someone wanting to date you less palatable.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Co signing that even a depressed autist on dsp could attract a woman with his passions (aka my ex who won me over with his taste in music and passion for playing and sound engineering). I thought that guy was the one and stayed with him for 6 years (before the unaddressed depression drove us apart). 
 

What do you love? What are you passionate about? Could you join a social group that meets up about something you love? Rather than focussing on the end goal of finding a partner, could you take on a new challenge of meeting and talking to new people? Preferably at the social groups that meet up over something you love). 

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On 5/8/2022 at 7:39 PM, boltnrun said:

In my city there is a center for people with developmental disabilities.  They have events and activities.  It seems like they have a lot of fun.  Can you look into something like that?

Oh, and this center in my city provides transportation, so not being able to drive isn't an issue.  They come pick everyone up.

theres no point in looking into it, id have no transportation, theres no uber, taxy not even an ambulance comes as far out as i am.

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1 hour ago, Miyakutsune said:

truth is, i am now giving suicide serious thought

Call a local suicide hotline. There are people on the line who you can talk with if you're in a moment of crisis and need someone to talk to. Keep posting if it helps.

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You're focusing exclusively on what you can't do. As another poster has mentioned, you have good spelling and grammar, so your learning abilities in that respect shouldn't be holding you back. 

 

If you go around thinking of yourself as a loser and projecting constant negativity, it puts people off and you have a self-fulfilling prophecy. I stopped dating a guy recently for that very reason. 

 

Take positive steps to improve aspects of your life, look into groups etc that might be available, even if only online. Get a book or two on CBT from the library to help you appreciate your good qualities and stop focusing exclusively on what's "wrong" with you. 

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, Miyakutsune said:

theres no point in looking into it, id have no transportation, theres no uber, taxy not even an ambulance comes as far out as i am.

There are Telehealth options available where I am, which developed due to the Pandemic and are still around. Most public universities have, at a minimum, free counselors-in-training (people who have almost obtained master or Ph.D.). Not sure where you are, but have you looked for public university counseling in your state or province?

Hang in there.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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10 hours ago, Miyakutsune said:

theres no point in looking into it, id have no transportation, theres no uber, taxy not even an ambulance comes as far out as i am.

Like I said, these centers provide transportation.

Please call 911/999 or a hotline if you are suicidal. Talk to a trusted family member.

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On 5/13/2022 at 10:14 AM, boltnrun said:

Like I said, these centers provide transportation.

Please call 911/999 or a hotline if you are suicidal. Talk to a trusted family member.

i have no trusted family members, and there is no medical transportation out here where i am, I have tried calling every number I could find, no one is going to drive nearly 60 miles into the swamp, which is basicaly where i live to get me, not even ambulance comes here, only choppers do and thats even rare because there isnt anywhere to land for 25 miles.

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On 5/8/2022 at 8:18 PM, Miyakutsune said:

 I have been searching for a girlfriend for 25 years 

You are 36? You can not be on dating site when you were 10 years old, you need to be over 18.

You need to find much better social services help including better housing, access to physical and mental healthcare. Ask for housing opportunities that are near public transport. Also ask about job opportunities .

No one owes you a GF and your argument that "pretty college girls turn you down" makes no sense. 

Focus first on looking into resources either local or federal government or faith-based charities for help.

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