In-Laws Want to Buy Fiancé and I a House.

[Patriot95]

My fiancés payments want to buy my fiancé and I a house. Financially I have conveyed to them that me personally am not ready to take on this endeavor (I’m 26yr old M graduating grad school). I’ve voiced my opinion to them numerous times and they keep being up the idea of buying a house. My fiancé is in doctoral school and is taking time off at this time. When a house was mentioned before when my fiancé was in school, they cooled off and said “we only want you to focus on school because that’s enough to deal with.” Now that it’s just me finishing out my program, the decency isn’t there to cool off asking. I’m stuck here. I’ve told my fiancé and in laws that I’m not ready financially and they keep pressuring me. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Patriot95 said:

 I’ve voiced my opinion to them numerous times and they keep being up the idea of buying a house. 

They are buying Her a house, not you since you're not married and won't be on the deed. However if you live in it, they may make you pay rent/mortgage. Which is fair.

[Patriot95]

Thank you for replying. They already made it very clear, they aren’t going into contract unless I am on it with both my fiancé and in law. I have an issue with this. Sure financing odds are significantly increase With in law on house however I don’t like the overhead of having an in law on our deed. 

[Blue_Skirt]

Personally, but that is just me, I would not do this. I value my independence way too much. If they buy your fiancé and you a house, you are tied to them forever in whatever way. I would continue to say no to them.

How does your fiancé feel about this?

[Patriot95]

Thank you for responding. She is on board with what her parents want to do. She doesn’t see it from my perspective considering she has parents that are fronting money for her. She thinks I’m crazy for saying no. However, I think it’s smart to say no considering even if I did go into agreement. If agreement is est with me on it what happens if we split. Fiancé has guaranteed place to stay while I lm ass out. 

[indea08]

I think you should be direct, and say what you really mean.

”I appreciate the offer, that’s very kind of you, thank you. However, that is not something I/we would ever consider.”

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Patriot95 said:

unless I am on it with both my fiancé and in law. 

Do not sign anything. You won't be an owner. Your GF and her parents are the owners. If you ever get married (and divorced) it will still be her/their house. No matter what because it will not be community property. Ever. Live in it and pay rent if you are foolish enough to marry into this family.. 

[Blue_Skirt]

I would continue to say no, but what would be the deal exactly? The In-Laws buy the house and then?

1. Will the house be in the name of your fiancé and you or will the in-laws be on the title?

2. Do you and your fiancé pay them back, would you have to pay rent, or could you simply live there for free?

3. Will the in-laws have a say on the interior design and features?

4. Do the in-laws expect access to the house at all time, because they paid for it?

O boy, I have so many questions on how this arrangement would work in practice, please don't do this!

[melancholy123]

We bought our son a house almost 6 yrs ago and we are on the deed as 1% owners, at the lawyer's suggestion.  Fine with us.  He paid us back in 5 years. Yes it was concerning that he may not pay us but being even a 1% owner gave us protection that if he failed to pay us back we did have a stake in the house.

I'm glad we did it.  He could never afford a house on his own, prices in Ontario, Canada are thru the proverbial roof.  It's worth 5x what he paid for it now in under 6 yrs.

I'm not agreeing with your reasoning as to me it doesn't make sense.  But it's not my decision.  It's so hard for young people to get into the market that if someone offers to help, you should take them up on the offer and be sure to have a lawyer on board and understand the details.  If you dont want to be on the deed, then tell them that.  Let them and your fiancé own it and you pay an agreed share per month.

 

 

Edited April 27 by melancholy123

[DarkCh0c0]

This might be a sign of them being overly involved in her life, and also a deeper peek into your gf's character. She doesn't mind getting a house from her parents for free/ without working for it. So this could be an incompatibility if it's frustrating you that much.

Are you guys planning on paying it back? Whose name would be on the contract?

[Rose Mosse]

Why is your fiance taking time off? I'd have some plan together as a couple before speaking with the in-laws on a decision. 

I would reconsider their advice and offer only if it works for your plans as a couple. I think this has less to do with house and finances and more to do with issues in your relationship. 

Edited April 27 by Rose Mosse

[Batya33]

When is the wedding?  If there isn't a date why not and why aren't you making it official? I'd tell them many thanks and you are not comfortable being an owner of the home.  After you are married, the two of you as a married couple can decide how to proceed.  Before that they are not your in-laws.

Edited April 27 by Batya33

[Cherylyn]

While it may sound like a bargain to you the way home prices continue to soar and become out of reach for millions of people, keep in mind that should you take them up on their offer, nothing in life is truly free.  There's always a catch.  In other words, you and your fiance or someday husband, will forever become beholden, indebted and obliged to your in-laws.  Favors, your time, labor, energy and resources for them will be endless because you'll always owe them and this is where the power in the relationship lies.  They hold the purse strings and you and your fiancee (or husband) will be placed in an inferior position and under an endless obligation to them.  Be aware of this.

If you want to tip the scales in your favor or have a more equal relationship with your in-laws, as expensive as this sounds, buy your own independence from them, make your own way in this world and with your combined incomes, someday you and your fiance will be able to afford a house of your own. 

My husband and I saved for a down payment for 6 years before we bought our first house, have since moved up several times in various coveted neighborhoods and have two great sons.  My late father once told me long ago:  "Owe nobody nothing."  Make it on your own.

If your in-laws buy a house for you and your fiance, realize that you will always owe them in other ways until the house is legally and completely yours.

[Wiseman2]

You're 25, she's 27.

Her folks are Not buying you a house. They are buying her a house. You are not getting any sort of free lunch. You will be a tenant. It's that simple. 

They are clever getting her the house before you're married and putting their names on it. That way in a divorce, no matter how much of the mortgage you pay down or how much you invest in other ways in the house, you'll walk away empty handed.

Is this an arranged marriage? Talk to trusted friends and family about this. Do not sign anything. Talk to an attorney first. 

[boltnrun]

This is true. If you two are not legally married and your name is not on the title you can be given notice to move out at anytime. And you will be viewed as a tenant, not an owner.

I lived in my brother's home twice for a total of about 2 1/2 years. I was entitled to exactly zero of the rental deposit he put down despite having paid rent all that time.

You are right to be hesitant. 

If you say "no", is she going to end the engagement?

[Blue_Skirt]

39 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If your in-laws buy a house for you and your fiance, realize that you will always owe them in other ways until the house is legally and completely yours.

Exactly this!

And even when the house is legally and completely yours, you will continue to owe them, because they gave you and your fiancé “such a great start”. You will owe them forever.

[Lambert]

this could be a show of how incompatible you are. 

it's a big deal to buy a house and an even bigger deal to have a third person on the mortgage.

Are you marrying her? or her and her parents. Should anything go awry you are the minority.

There's also the fact that they won't take no for an answer.  

It's beyond generous of them to offer, but where is the gracefully respecting your wishes? 

I would really think hard before being legal bound to any of these people. 

Be careful this is just the beginning.

[Andrina]

Is your fiancé overly involved with her parents and values their opinion over yours? If so, she will always be a childish person, someone who's been emotionally manipulated to robotically do as her parents wish or suffer the consequences. And if so, you should walk away now as hoping for change and a different dynamic isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

What do you think makes your fiancee a good lifetime partner? What are her good traits? What are the negative ones. Some things to think about besides this one issue.

[Coily]

I'll start with what I've said at 3 weddings and counting: "In-law m****r, is a victimless crime."

While the house in and of itself is a huge issue, it's the dynamic here that is concerning. Her parents are going to have final say over your life  from here on out if you cave into their demands now. If she's not willing to chose your opinion and values in a situation like this, what other choices will you be the odd man out in? Where your wedding is? What color to paint the walls? Maybe what to name your children? Where you work? If neither they or your fiance can accept your decisions as the head of your household, in agreement with your fiance that is; then why put yourself through this hell?

 

 

[Tinydance]

Could you give more information about the situation? What will be the actual legal arrangement in terms of who owns the house or who is paying the mortgage? When you say the parents will buy the house, will they buy it outright or mortgage it? Are you expected to contribute to the mortgage repayments?

What are your fiancee's parents like? Are they overbearing or get involved too much? Or do they give their daughter space? The reason why I ask is because sometimes when parents buy a house for their child, they then feel that they can have a say in everything and get involved. E.g. How the house is decorated, they want to come over all the time, things like that. Having said that, of course I don't know these people so that's why I asked what they're like. They might not necessarily do those things if they buy their daughter the house.

 

[smackie9]

I don't see any of this ending good. 

[reinventmyself]

There's a saying  'the one holding the money holds the power' As you are experiencing money matters and family can be emotionally charged and intertwined.

My parents helped my ex and I with a down payment that we paid back within a year.  The boundaries and expectations are very clear.  It was cut and dry.

His family however, every single financial mingle ended in misunderstandings, power struggles and mistrust.

You are totally warranted in your concerns.