Should I give a second shot at my relationship with girlfriend?

[urbanleather]

My girlfriend and I recently broke up about a month and a half ago, and I was the one that decided to end it, even though I feel like I still have feelings and care for her, and I know she still cares and loves me still also. We've been together for about 8 months. The main reason I ended it, was because in my head, I kept thinking about a certain situation that had happened early on in our relationship and I thought that with time, I would forget about it and wouldn't worry about it anymore, but it's proven difficult.

This situation I refer to, was during a Christmas holiday when she had invited her ex over. Now just to clarify beforehand, her ex and her are strictly just friends and she has no feelings at all for him (their relationship was never even sexual back when they dated). She did not hide from me that he visited her, as that day that he arrived, she called me and let me know he was there, and her reasoning for calling me was because when he arrived, it was then that she realized this felt wrong and so she let me know so I appreciated that she let me know. I wasn't comfortable letting him stay the night at her place but she didn't want her friend to spend money on renting a place while in town, so she let him sleep the night in her room (she stays in a one bedroom apartment). With that said, they slept on separate mattresses, she was in one corner of the room, and her ex guy friend slept in the other far corner of the room on another mattress as she always keeps two mattresses for when she has friends or guests visit her. After explaining how I was uncomfortable, her friend left the next morning and slept somewhere else the day after before he left back home.

I do also want to point out a related situation where she did lie to me a few times about him in the beginning when we were in his state visiting other friends because she didn't want me to meet him because I know what abusive things he did to her in the past and she was scared that if I met him, I would start a fight with him. Basically I wanted to meet him, but behind me knowing, she told him to not come out and that it's not a good idea since I know he used to be abusive and argue with her a lot in the past. 

Ever since then, I've tried to forget what happened, even though I know that nothing happened and that he is strictly just a friend of hers now visiting her during the holiday. I guess the reason it keeps coming up in my head is that my mind keeps trying to tell me "is this considered cheating and how do I handle this situation?". When I asked her about her reasoning for inviting him, she said she did not have any ill thoughts and never had any intention of ever cheating on me. She said at first she didn't see it as any big deal as he was just a good friend that she still keeps in touch with because she has no family here and he has helped her a lot knowing this.

It's proven difficult to forget this and so I couldn't deal with the stress so I ended it, but now I'm thinking if I should give this relationship a second chance. I know that she loves me and I care about her as well and so part of me wants to try giving it another go. When our relationship first started, I guess we never set any boundaries officially and so is this considered cheating even though nothing happened and she has no feelings for him? Am I just overthinking things? She said that if we do get back together, she knows how uncomfortable I am with her continuing to talk to him, so she said she will stop contacting him if that makes me more comfortable. 

Do you guys think in this situation it is worth giving it another shot? I'm just afraid if we get back together, my mind won't be able to move on from what happened and I don't want to hurt her again if we end it a second time.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, urbanleather said:

her ex and her are strictly just friends and she has no feelings at all for him

I think you're mistaken about that, actually. 

She is hanging on to a man she says abused her. She lies about him. She has him for sleepovers. Her excuses for lying are flimsy and don't add up. That isn't a woman with no feelings for him, despite what she tells you. Her actions give her away. 

I'm sorry, OP. She has behaved in a way that is not conducive to protecting the intergrity of your relationship. You were right to let her go. Her boundaries and priorities are too incompatible with yours. Find a woman who conducts herself more maturely and transparently, and doesn't have her ex for sleepovers. 

[urbanleather]

47 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you're mistaken about that, actually. 

She is hanging on to a man she says abused her. She lies about him. She has him for sleepovers. Her excuses for lying are flimsy and don't add up. That isn't a woman with no feelings for him, despite what she tells you. Her actions give her away. 

I'm sorry, OP. She has behaved in a way that is not conducive to protecting the intergrity of your relationship. You were right to let her go. Her boundaries and priorities are too incompatible with yours. Find a woman who conducts herself more maturely and transparently, and doesn't have her ex for sleepovers. 

Thanks for the response. I know it's hard to believe, but I guarantee that she has no feelings for him. I know it's probably an odd situation but after I broke with her, he even reached out to me letting me know that she was really hurt and he even assured me there was nothing going on between them if we were to get back together. And this sleepover thing only happened once that day but like I said, on separate mattresses in opposite corners of the room.

Edited April 27 by urbanleather

[MissCanuck]

I still stand by my assertion that these two are way too involved. I would not take either of their word for anything, to be honest. 

I would also not waste your time trying to find justifcations for the way she behaved. No self-respecting man would be okay with his girlfriend acting the way she did. 

[urbanleather]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I still stand by my assertion that these two are way too involved. I would not take either of their word for anything, to be honest. 

I would also not waste your time trying to find justifcations for the way she behaved. No self-respecting man would be okay with his girlfriend acting the way she did. 

I understand, thanks for your answer. I guess the reason it's hard for me to let go is because we had so many good memories together so that part of me is holding onto those memories hoping that things could be better a second time around if she were to cut contact with him.

[DarkCh0c0]

She is not over her ex. Her actions say it all. You did absolutely the right and best thing by breaking up with up. This will come up again if you get back together.

Go for single and fully available women. Watch actions and not words. Time to move on to better and healthier dating partners!

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, urbanleather said:

hoping that things could be better a second time around if she were to cut contact with him.

OP, a woman who is really into you is not going to keep ex this close to her the first time around. She didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. She knew what she was doing was sketchy, and she went ahead and did it anyway. Her desire to have him around was stronger than her desire to develop a healthy and trusting dynamic with you. 

They are still up in their feelings with each other. And you were (and stil are, to an extent) in denial about it. 

[1a1a]

After that one time did she change her behaviour because she didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable? 
 

8 months in did you feel like you were a high priority in her life? 
 

I think the most recent interactions you’ve had are what you should base your decision off of. 
 

But if you conclude she has integrity and you’re her favourite person in the whole world and you both still want to be together, you still may need some professional help grappling with not being able to let go of actions that left you feeling insecure early on. (Obviously if she still does thing that leave you feeling insecure you two might not be a good match for each other.) 

[urbanleather]

23 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

After that one time did she change her behaviour because she didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable? 
 

8 months in did you feel like you were a high priority in her life? 
 

I think the most recent interactions you’ve had are what you should base your decision off of. 
 

But if you conclude she has integrity and you’re her favourite person in the whole world and you both still want to be together, you still may need some professional help grappling with not being able to let go of actions that left you feeling insecure early on. (Obviously if she still does thing that leave you feeling insecure you two might not be a good match for each other.) 

I definitely feel like I am a high priority in her life and that she has told me I'm the one she wants to be with, not her ex. And just to note their past relationship was never sexual, believe it or not. Her situation is a bit different I feel than most, in that she is an international student, and over here, she has no family and is all by herself, and so I think after they broke up and she moved states, they continued to keep in touch as friends so that she would have at least someone to help or talk to on issues before she met me. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, urbanleather said:

. The main reason I ended it, I kept thinking about a certain situation that had happened early on in our relationship 

Leave the past in the past. You are not compatible. Dating 8 mos. is not long. Since you are still obsessed with this event, there's no point trying to get back together.

[1a1a]

I guess the other question prior to ending it, was she a high priority in yours? 
 

If yes, what does your gut say?

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, urbanleather said:

She said that if we do get back together, she knows how uncomfortable I am with her continuing to talk to him, so she said she will stop contacting him if that makes me more comfortable. 

 

4 hours ago, urbanleather said:

he even reached out to me letting me know that she was really hurt and he even assured me there was nothing going on between them if we were to get back together.

Sure thing, that is why she is contacting him to lie to you how nothing happened, because she is totally planning to stop talking to him. 

Your insticts were good to break things up. There is no clear business there. She is too attached to him to the point he sleeps in the same room with her. Nobody with the right mind should tolerate behavior like that. So you were right to break up. Dont take her back because there is no way she would stop contacting him.

[Batya33]

It does not matter if they never had sex- people can have strong romantic feelings for someone and sexual feelings by being in the same room with them and she acted on her feelings by lying to you and acting inconsistently with someone in an exclusive relationship.    The issue is the lying, the issue is the reason for the lying - it's not ok just because they may never have had sex.

[smackie9]

Life is a crap shoot...who knows what's going to happen or not happen. You won't know unless you take the risk. Take the risk, set proper boundaries and take it from there. Sounds like she's willing to make this right. 

[boltnrun]

Seems like you've already made up your mind that you want to try again with her.

Just make sure you're not deliberately ignoring things that don't match your narrative of how this will go. Deceiving yourself in order to try to "keep" someone is always a bad idea.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think it matters whether she has feelings for him. It wouldn't even get anywhere close to me spending energy or time thinking over that.

When someone still has links to an abuser in a past relationship, it's a dealbreaker. End of story. There is no possibility after that. It only indicates to me that she hasn't moved forward or learned to say no. The rest of the story is consistent with that. She continues to struggle with boundaries and cannot say no to her abusers or keep them out of her life. 

No, I wouldn't be around that at all. If you continue to see how this goes keep your eyes wide open. You being with someone who can't establish or set firm boundaries is inviting headache and hassle into your life. 

[tattoobunnie]

I think she realized she made a mistake, by not consider how it'd make you feel. And it's about feelings here, yours.   It's up to you to forgive and move on.  If you can't trust her, then no point in continuing.

[Wiseman2]

You are simply lonely after the breakup. On/off relationships don't work for the reasons you outlined.

Chronic unresolved hurts and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

[urbanleather]

27 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don't think it matters whether she has feelings for him. It wouldn't even get anywhere close to me spending energy or time thinking over that.

When someone still has links to an abuser in a past relationship, it's a dealbreaker. End of story. There is no possibility after that. It only indicates to me that she hasn't moved forward or learned to say no. The rest of the story is consistent with that. She continues to struggle with boundaries and cannot say no to her abusers or keep them out of her life. 

No, I wouldn't be around that at all. If you continue to see how this goes keep your eyes wide open. You being with someone who can't establish or set firm boundaries is inviting headache and hassle into your life. 

Thanks everyone for your inputs and advice, a lot from both sides. I do agree with you on that during my time with her, I saw it's hard for her to keep negative people out of her life even after I tell her that I think she should stop talking to certain people based on how they treat her. At the same time though, it might be because she has no family here, so anyone she gets close with, I guess it's hard for her to let go because she knows at least she has people to talk to or help her.

[HeartGoesOn]

13 hours ago, urbanleather said:

I wasn't comfortable letting him stay the night at her place but she didn't want her friend to spend money on renting a place while in town, so she let him sleep the night in her room (she stays in a one bedroom apartment). With that said, they slept on separate mattresses, she was in one corner of the room, and her ex guy friend slept in the other far corner of the room on another mattress as she always keeps two mattresses for when she has friends or guests visit her.

I think a better excuse would be, "he fell though the roof and landed in her bed."   Also, why wasn't it discussed where he would spend the night before he made the visit?

Having said that, I could be wrong, but I feel you're being taken for a ride.  It's time to face the real facts, and do some honest thinking.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, urbanleather said:

Thanks everyone for your inputs and advice, a lot from both sides. I do agree with you on that during my time with her, I saw it's hard for her to keep negative people out of her life even after I tell her that I think she should stop talking to certain people based on how they treat her. At the same time though, it might be because she has no family here, so anyone she gets close with, I guess it's hard for her to let go because she knows at least she has people to talk to or help her.

No it's not hard for her.  She chooses not to make the choice whether a hard choice or not.  You telling her is irrelevant and doesn't make much sense given how biased you are.  It's not because she has no family where you live.  It is all her choice.

[Rose Mosse]

54 minutes ago, urbanleather said:

Thanks everyone for your inputs and advice, a lot from both sides. I do agree with you on that during my time with her, I saw it's hard for her to keep negative people out of her life even after I tell her that I think she should stop talking to certain people based on how they treat her. At the same time though, it might be because she has no family here, so anyone she gets close with, I guess it's hard for her to let go because she knows at least she has people to talk to or help her.

Eight months dating and telling her who she should have in her life.. ? Oof, buddy, you're in for a wild ride. I'd reckon lots of us have been somewhere in your shoes at some point, urgently feeling the need to get involved and show someone how to live or do better because of an inflated sense of self. I know I have. It was a mistake as I realized that it's far better to observe and take a good look at how romantic partners take care of themselves and their relationships around them. 

The issue is that when you date you're sensing whether that person is compatible with you or approaches life in similar or complementary ways. You may be taking a step forward and your partner drags you back two steps. When I was younger I had more energy for that but finding it less and less easy to stay focused or interested in a relationship that requires that kind of supervision.

Edited April 27 by Rose Mosse

[Tinydance]

Well I actually have a bit of a different opinion on this and I realise I'm the only poster who thinks this. I think that maybe you over reacted in terms of actually breaking up with your girlfriend.

I understand why you were uncomfortable that her ex stayed with her. However from what you wrote I also get the impression that she didn't cheat on you. She actually called you and told you that her ex was there and I think if she cheated on you then she wouldn't actually be calling you to let you know. Usually when people cheat they try to hide it.

However I understand why you felt uncomfortable because her ex actually stayed with her in her room. Even if she wanted to catch up with him because he's a friend, he should have stayed somewhere else and they should have just met somewhere in public. I also think that your girlfriend should have let you meet him when you were visiting his city. You wanted to meet him so it shouldn't have been a problem.

The reason why I think you over reacted is because she actually did say to you that she would stop contacting him if it made you feel more comfortable. I think it was perfectly fine to assert your boundaries and to ask her to stop contacting him. But by just ending the relationship you actually didn't give her a chance to show you if she would do that or not. 

 

[urbanleather]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually have a bit of a different opinion on this and I realise I'm the only poster who thinks this. I think that maybe you over reacted in terms of actually breaking up with your girlfriend.

I understand why you were uncomfortable that her ex stayed with her. However from what you wrote I also get the impression that she didn't cheat on you. She actually called you and told you that her ex was there and I think if she cheated on you then she wouldn't actually be calling you to let you know. Usually when people cheat they try to hide it.

However I understand why you felt uncomfortable because her ex actually stayed with her in her room. Even if she wanted to catch up with him because he's a friend, he should have stayed somewhere else and they should have just met somewhere in public. I also think that your girlfriend should have let you meet him when you were visiting his city. You wanted to meet him so it shouldn't have been a problem.

The reason why I think you over reacted is because she actually did say to you that she would stop contacting him if it made you feel more comfortable. I think it was perfectly fine to assert your boundaries and to ask her to stop contacting him. But by just ending the relationship you actually didn't give her a chance to show you if she would do that or not. 

 

Well, I actually did let her know I wanted her to stop contacting him even before we broke up, but she said that he was still helping her with things and that she couldn't quite yet cut contact. But did assure to me that once he is finished helping her with some of her things, that then after she would cut contact. I just was so stressed with dealing with it at the time I couldn't take it anymore. But now I don't know what to do.

[Tinydance]

55 minutes ago, urbanleather said:

Well, I actually did let her know I wanted her to stop contacting him even before we broke up, but she said that he was still helping her with things and that she couldn't quite yet cut contact. But did assure to me that once he is finished helping her with some of her things, that then after she would cut contact. I just was so stressed with dealing with it at the time I couldn't take it anymore. But now I don't know what to do.

 

Did she tell you what it was he was helping her with? I see why you'd be worried because your girlfriend probably could have asked you or someone else for help instead. And she knew you were upset so she didn't seem to be that respectful towards your feelings. But having said that you didn't really know if she'd stop contacting him or not because you broke up with her. I mean, you could talk to her and say to her that you would be willing to give her another chance but she needs to stop contact with her ex. Say to her that if she continues to be in contact with him that it's not going to work.