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Should I leave my kids father after 8 years?


Kaela
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This is my first time posting on here, I literally searched for relationship forums on google just for advice. 
 

I am 26 years old, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have two children together, he has been through grief from his father’s murder and plenty of deceit from his childhood friends and close brother. We also have gotten through drug addiction together and have been clean for 5 years, I say all this to say he has a lot of trauma.


 

He is not motivated at all to work, get therapy, or even work on his physical health. I have been taking care of the whole family for the whole 5 years alone I’ve constantly asked for help but he just blames me for all of his issues. He is a amazing father to our two kids he constantly spends time with them while I work and conquer my goals to elevate, but our relationship is dead. We don’t sleep in the same bed, go out together, have sex, kiss or anything intimate for the past 3 years. It’s like we are living as roommates I feel I’m sooo young to be settling for this because I know I deserve better but he is the only support I have with my children, while I’m working and reaching my goals. Sometimes I feel stupid for staying because I want and deserve more in a relationship, but other times I feel that I’m being patient until the kids get a little older so I can continue to work and run my business.

He gets very revengeful after I leave. I believe it’s because he has nothing without me I have taken care of him for a very long time. 
 

I once left in the past and he completely decided not to be a present father so I would need him again.

 

I’m not sure if I’m being smart or wasting my time, I just need a strangers opinion at this point this has been going on for way too long. Please let me know what you guys think?? 

Edited by Kaela
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Do you live where there is common law marriage? Is his paternity of the kids established? I would move out and co-parent since he sounds like a good and involved father.  I wouldn't look at is as whether you are wasting years of your 20s but simply the fact that you two share two children and are no longer in a healthy romantic relationship -nothing to do with your age.

Edited by Batya33
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The paternity of the kids are established with him, but he gets very revengeful after I leave. I believe it’s because he has nothing without me I have taken care of him for a very long time. 
 

I once left in the past and he completely decided not to be a present father so I would need him again.

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4 minutes ago, Kaela said:

The paternity of the kids are established with him, but he gets very revengeful after I leave. I believe it’s because he has nothing without me I have taken care of him for a very long time. 
 

I once left in the past and he completely decided not to be a present father so I would need him again.

So then he is not an involved father if he would put his ego ahead of his kids.  Start consulting with the local family court to figure out what you'll need in order to leave safely.

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Go to court to establish a visitation and child support schedule. Usually it's the parent who has the kids the most time who receives the child support, so if he refuses to see them he will be made to pay.

And it's not so easy to get away with not working in order to avoid paying child support. Family court doesn't take kindly to that.

And make sure you have an order filed in court naming you as the primary parent. You will need full legal and primary physical custody. Consult an attorney if you need help navigating the family court system.

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Whether through legal aid or a private attorney, I would seek legal advice to learn all of my options in my location as well as the best steps toward each option.

From there you can operate on real information rather than emotions alone, and you can make your best decision when you decide to do so.

Obtaining legal advice is not the same as filing for divorce. It's information gathering, and accurate information is your best friend.

I'd also consider contacting your local hospital for a referral to a domestic violence counsellor. You do NOT need to be hit or abused to seek such services, because prevention is as important to them as it is to you.

You can work through scenarios with such a counselor to make a 'safe' plan in the event that you opt to separate. This can prevent harm to yourself or your family, and resources may be available to help you carry out a plan--and stay your course.

Nobody here can tell you what you 'should' do, but speaking only for myself, I don't believe that we live in an age where a bad marriage must be a life sentence.

Negotiation of co-parenting can become a future goal rather than something you'll roll straight into. Husband is not interested or motivated to help himself while you enable him, and you've already shown him that he his manipulation 'works' by returning to him after leaving in the past. So you may have a long road of single parenting before husband opts to step up in his own best interests and those of his children should you leave.

That's why counseling can help you navigate a better plan than your prior attempts, and they can help you stick with your plan rather than fall back into another round of confirmation that his manipulations work.

Head high and write more if it helps.

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You're not being smart by staying, no. You're exposing your kids to an unhealthy relationship and a dysfunctional home environment. They will be better-served by watching Mom take the bull by the horns and creating a life in which you and they can thrive, rather than just limp along. 

It's time to get your ducks in a row to leave. Get the advice of an attorney who can guide you through separation and custody, as well as child support. Your partner is a complete weasel for using the kids as pawns to get you to stick around, but there's not much you can do about a man who doesn't care about his kids - the courts can, though. 

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He is selfish, manipulative, doesn't appreciate you, romance you, love you, nor care enough about the kids. It's like, you are carrying everything alone as if you're a single mom! So be it.

Yes, you need to break this trauma bond. Yes, you are too young to live like this. Yes, you deserve better.

Consult an attorney privately and get the process rolling. Your kids will greatly appreciate the example you'll set for them if you do so. And, you will be liberated and free. Your health and mood will even improve drastic over time so long you keep contact limited and formal with him.

You go woman! You can do it.

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Yes, take care of yourself and your children. He's dead weight and taking resources away from your children.

It sounds like he's unemployed but watches the children? 

If you leave, you'll have to arrange for child care. While he's responsible for child support, he's not obligated to have custody or visitation.

Stop trying to fix and change him. Get to social services and see if you are eligible for help with food housing, medical care for yourself and your children, child care and employment assistance.

Who pays for all that now? Keep in mind that you'll need to put your children first at some point.

 

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7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're not being smart by staying, no. You're exposing your kids to an unhealthy relationship and a dysfunctional home environment. They will be better-served by watching Mom take the bull by the horns and creating a life in which you and they can thrive, rather than just limp along. 

It's time to get your ducks in a row to leave. Get the advice of an attorney who can guide you through separation and custody, as well as child support. Your partner is a complete weasel for using the kids as pawns to get you to stick around, but there's not much you can do about a man who doesn't care about his kids - the courts can, though. 

100% this. 

Just something on my mind about your situation. With him not working, or doing anything to better himself or his situation, and resorting to manipulation... I'm sure you know this but this is all leading to relapse somewhere for him. Who knows, with you working and doing all the running around to support the family, maybe relapse has occurred already. So that's a whole other thing to consider because obviously, being around someone who is going in that direction is not good for children at all. And it could become a safety issue. Did he relapse when you tried to leave before? 

You've gotten lots of good advise on the practical. I just noticed no one really mentioned this risk with you. I think he's clearly not working his recovery and you know how dangerous that can be right. 

Fabulous job taking your life back from addiction ❤️ You should be proud of how you put in the work every day for you and for your kids. 

 

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is a say at home unemployed father. There is nothing to garnish.

If the courts insisted I was furthering myself (and I was at the time is cosmetology school) and if I wasn't they would see that I was doing. . something.   Sitting at home is not rewarded.  He may have nothing to show for his time now, but the judge will see that he does.

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My friend was the wife in a divorce situation. She had been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years. And she was ordered by the judge to get a job.

The courts won't simply say "Oh, you don't work. OK, you get a pass. No requirements for you!"

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

The laws here are, if you are over a certain age ( 52) not working, you are considered as unemployable, and your bread winning spouse has to keep you in the lifestyle you are used to. 

OP said she's 26, so my presumption is her partner is of a similar age.

My friend was 50 and was ordered by the judge to get a job. But, as you said the regulations likely differ depending on where you live.

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Are you in an apartment lease together, or otherwise? How old are your children? Is your family local to you and do they have involvement with your kids? Do you have any friends with kids who are your kids' ages? What are your business hours and is it a thriving business?

Getting those answers will help for some of the answers.

In any case, making steps to dissolve the relationship will be doing something proactive in that direction for now. If he's on any of your credit cards or bank accounts, remove him. Like others have suggested, speak to a lawyer. It's good you haven't married, because in some countries like the U.S., if you've been married 10 or more years, your spouse is entitled to half of your retirement savings and pension.

When you get to the point of separating from him, I'd suggest that you and he meet with a mediator, and/or family counselor specifically to discuss how to co-parent without emotionally abusing children. If he hears this from a skilled professional, perhaps he'll think about how what he'd done in the past, and might do in the future to manipulate you, would be harming the children.

You shouldn't stay with someone just out of pity. He doesn't pity you for living an unfulfilled life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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