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My boyfriend and I broke up due to long distance. Did i dodge a bullet?


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My boyfriend (now ex) and I have been a couple for a couple of months, and have been dating for like a year and a half. (In person, I didn’t meet him online, I met him at uni)

He went to an exchange program in February, and he isn’t returning until August. When he left I told him that if he wanted we could make video calls, and we could talk and agree on how often to video call. But he didn’t say anything and he told me he wanted to take a break.

I agreed and said “We can keep texting”. And he agreed so we texted every now and then.

The thing is, he started posting stories partying and hugging other women. Strangers that I didn’t know, girls he met there. It really hurt my feelings, so I expressed that to him. He told me “They are my friends, I went out to have a good time. If you want, I can hide my stories from you, or I can take you off from the ‘best friends’ list”. I mean, he didn’t even try to compromise. And I told him “There is no need to hide your stories from me.” But guess what he did, he hid them from me.

I was really upset and I asked him why he did this, and I also asked him “when you asked for a break, were you actually breaking up with me? It’s confusing for me”. And he was like “I’m sorry you’re right I’m sorry I hurt you. But the next day I posted a similar photo [hugging the same woman I guess, his "friend"] and I didn’t want you to get mad so I hid the stories. I forgot to add you again, sorry. And I think it may be best for us if we break up I think”. I told him “only ONCE you posted a photo hugging me while we were together. But now you post all these photos hugging women you met there, so soon?”. And also I told him “You made me waste all this time, when you actually wanted to break up? What is wrong with you?”

We started arguing and I told him “I really think you don’t care about me, at all”. And he was like “I do care about you, it’s that my priorities right now are other things”. And I told him “If you really cared about me you would’ve made time for me and for video calls. But you don’t care about me, not one bit, that’s why you don’t make time for me. I hope some day you learn how to treat people right, the good way, and respectfully, and the way they deserve. I think it’s good that we are breaking up”

And after arguing a lot, i told him “You are telling me you can’t make time for me because that’ll ruin your priorities? I think your priorities are going to be fine if you dedicate a little bit of time for me” and he was like “I disagree”. And I was like “you are telling me you can’t give me time? Even a little bit, I don’t know, make a little bit of time for me?” And he replied “I can’t give time, energy, willingness. I don’t have the desire”.

That really hurt my feelings and I told him “You should’ve saved that for yourself. I don’t need to know that you don’t care at all. That is just rude. I’m tired.” And he replied “Yes I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that”.

And he was like “I already knew long distance wouldn’t work. That’s why my brother breaks up with his girlfriend before leaving. I don’t want to do something I don’t want to do. [meaning putting effort in the relationship]. I don’t want to do that, and I told you this. This is how much I am willing to give, and it’s your choice what to do with this”. And I told him “I got the message. Perfect. You broke up with me when you asked for a break. YOU asked for this.”

We kept on talking and I told him “As you said, it is best if we just break up. I wish you the best in everything and happiness”. And he wished the same for me too, and he told me “whatever you need I’m here”. I didn’t reply

This sucks, he showed me how cold and mean he is. What do you think? If he comes back to me once he comes back from the exchange program what should I say? I really love him and it’s really hard.

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13 minutes ago, were_cool said:

My boyfriend (now ex) and I have been a couple for a couple of months. He went to an exchange program in February, and he isn’t returning until August. 

Yes you dodged a bullet. Who wants to be tied down like that?  To some video or chat? Now you're free to have fun and date others.

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5 minutes ago, were_cool said:

What do you think? If he comes back to me once he comes back from the exchange program what should I say?

You should say "No". Long distance aside, he showed you how he is. Cold, calculated, willing to hide stuff from you under the banner of "You will get upset", while God knows what was going on. So yes, you indeed dodged the bullet there. He checked out as soon as he left in a manner of "Far from home, far from heart". And yes, he did not care about holding up what you had. So you are in no obligation of waiting or caring about anything he says after he comes back.

Go NC, take your time and move on. In time you will realize its the best this way and you will find find somebody else. You are at Uni, so at least that shouldnt be a problem.

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When he told you he wanted to take a break and did not want to video call - and you texted "every now and then" - 

At that point, you were no longer in a position to be questioning him about his interactions with other women, or how he shows he cares or doesn't care about you.  

He already let you know that he didn't want to actively be in a couple relationship with you during his time away.

He wanted to be on a break.  That was his choice.  

So that's how he's been behaving.

Sorry, but there was nothing to hold onto.  Let go.

 

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Unless you two hammer out the conditions of taking a break, a break means - break up.  

Had you two agreed you would not date others and readdress reconciliation at some determined time, then you two are free agents to do as you please. 

Breaking up is never easy for both sides.  The initiator often chooses their words carefully to soften to blow.  You offered to keep texting, not him.  He agreed to your terms.  Never the less you chose to interpret the break and still communicating as a way of staying attached and having expectations.

These are painful lessons to learn.  In the future, taking a break is a break up (unless otherwise discussed thoroughly) and to demote yourself to being friends with someone who just broke up with you sets you up for disappointment.

People also often break up with someone but say just enough to keep the door cracked open just enough to keep you as an option to run back to.  But it's selfish and you don't deserve that.  When someone risks losing you entirely, then they really didn't care enough to begin with

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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1 hour ago, were_cool said:

he told me he wanted to take a break.

That's usually your sign to run. When someone tells you that, that means break up.

Absolutely enjoy being single and forget about him! Please find available men to date.

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When he said take a break, he meant breakup/to be free. It doesn't make sense to a young girl's heart but it's the right thing to do. yes he should have been more honest with you about his intensions. He's a bit of a coward. Sure he can still care about you, and still not want to commit to a relationship/ be in love. You are hurt I get it, we all have been there....down the road when you are older you will understand.

Sorry but being that young and in uni, there's no room for committed relationships. Stay single, date, have fun without being tied to someone. You are only young once so enjoy it. 

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It is time to let him go. 

He might not have been crystal clear before, but it is now very obvious that he just doesn't want to continue this relaitonship in any capacity. He knew he didn't want long-distance, but it appears you didn't really get the hint that this meant he intended to meet other girls and not commit himself to you. Now that you know this, it's beyond time to call it a day. 

And no, you shouldn't bother taking him back if he tries once he's home. It's very unlikely you two would ever get past this, and he's just not invested the way you are. Your first hint was probably here:

4 hours ago, were_cool said:

My boyfriend (now ex) and I have been a couple for a couple of months, and have been dating for like a year and a half.

Why did you two date so long before becoming a couple? 

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On 4/26/2022 at 11:41 AM, reinventmyself said:

When someone risks losing you entirely, then they really didn't care enough to begin with

Yep, this ^^^ nails it. He was off to start a new life, and he made no pretense of offering you even so much as a video call.

He may have been uncomfortable hearing you clarify that he doesn't care, but he didn't dislike it enough to step up and demonstrate that he really does care--because he doesn't care.

That's nothing to argue about. You can't guilt someone into wanting what they don't want or caring more than they do.

Your pain is understandable, so honor your grief, and be kind to yourself.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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