My boyfriend closes out of his computer screen when I walk in the room.

[tbear1276]

This is my first time posting on here, and I don’t even know where to begin. We’ve been together for 5 years. He’s never given me any reason to not trust him. He’s a good guy. I just… I can’t shake this feeling that something is off. Most recently, I walked into the room to ask him a question and he was doing something on the computer. I noticed he was talking to some girl I didn’t recognize the name. He noticed I was looking and quickly closed out of it. All I could make out of the conversation was her asking him if he wanted to chat on the phone. I confronted him, and asked him who that was. He said no one. I obviously got upset, and explained what I just said. He told me it was an old friend, and they had been chatting a bunch, and she just thought it would be easier if they talked on the phone. But he didn’t call her. 

I just left the room at this point. I cried, he knew I was really upset. After the fact, he offered to let me look through the messages. He promised it wasn’t anything inappropriate and she really was just a friend. 

But now.. It seems every time I walk into the room now, he closes out whatever or whoever he’s talking to. I can hear his keyboard before walking in there, I know he’s typing. I’ve made comments about him closing out of things and he kind of just brushes me off as if I’m crazy. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be this crazy girlfriend constantly questioning him. When I try to have a conversation with him about it, he just accuses me of not trusting him. I don’t think he would cheat on me, honestly. I’ve been with plenty of cheaters in my life. But I feel like he’s not being completely honest with me. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, tbear1276 said:

. We’ve been together for 5 years. he offered to let me look through the messages. I’ve been with plenty of cheaters in my life. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is he?

How is the relationship overall? What, exactly, seems "off"? How is your communication and intimacy?

Is he watching excess porn or soliciting camgirls? Who exactly is this friend?

Edited April 26 by Wiseman2

[DarkCh0c0]

Trust your gut. Seems that he's cheating, or looking to do so.

I would ask him one last time to open his laptop and show me the messages. If he doesn't and makes you feel like the bad guy, then you'd know he's hiding something and would rather lie to you than take care of you and the relationship. I'd leave if I can't access his laptop as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Deep breaths.

[tbear1276]

I recently moved in with him. His dad passed away a month or so ago, and I had been staying here a lot whenever he was gone taking care of him. Things were okay, for a week or so after that. I told him that I felt like he had closed up. And I felt like things were weird. He told me he was sorry, and that maybe he was just having a hard time handling things. But things would get better once we got back to our normal routine. We’re back to it. Nothings changed. 

I’m not a monster. If it’s just a thing, that I need to wait out, I can do that. But how long do I let it go?

He’s 28, I’m 20. We’ve had sex a few times since things have been like this. It’s felt very forced. Like.. he thinks I need it and is trying to make me happy even if he doesn’t. 

[tbear1276]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is he?

How is the relationship overall? What, exactly, seems "off"? How is your communication and intimacy?

Is he watching excess porn or soliciting camgirls? Who exactly is this friend?

It’s a girl he used to play online games with. I honestly don’t know about the porn. Nothing that I’ve noticed. But he’s home often without me. 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, tbear1276 said:

I’m not a monster. If it’s just a thing, that I need to wait out, I can do that. But how long do I let it go?

He’s 28, I’m 20. We’ve had sex a few times since things have been like this. It’s felt very forced. Like.. he thinks I need it and is trying to make me happy even if he doesn’t. 

You let it go and don't look back. He doesn't care enough about you and seems he has found some other supply elsewhere.

And a real gentleman who is 28 would not date a 20yo. Have you been on dates with him? How long have you known him before moving in with him?

The fact that you are alone so often is telling that he is absent in this relationship, and just using you to get the benefits of the gf without the hard work.

Edited April 26 by DarkCh0c0
Typo

[tbear1276]

We’ve been together for a few years. Things we’re fine before recently. He’s always treated me very well. I’ve never questioned him before this. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, tbear1276 said:

I recently moved in with him. . . 
He’s 28, I’m 20. 

You've been dating since you were 15 and he was 23? And you played nursemaid to his family?

Moving in was a huge mistake. Move back home or out asap.  Where did you live before? 

Do you work or go to university? You need to invest in your own life and future. Not play house and be the live-in maid with someone who's secretive.

 

[tbear1276]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've been dating since you were 15 and he was 23? And you played nursemaid to his family?

Moving in was a huge mistake. Move back home or out asap.  Where did you live before? 

Do you work or go to university? You need to invest in your own life and future. Not play house and be the live-in maid with someone who's secretive.

 

Okay okay, I changed information around for privacy reasons. I should have thought ahead about how that would look real bad lol. We met when I was 18, my first semester of college. He is 8+ years older than me. I work, and I’m in university. He’s always been very supportive with all of it. 

[DarkCh0c0]

So the cheating is a recent thing.

11 minutes ago, tbear1276 said:

We met when I was 18, my first semester of college. He is 8+ years older than me.

Still, that is a red flag. The reason a man like him would go for someone so young it's because he can't get someone from his own age to fall for his BS. At 18, and rightfully so, you are naive because of lack of relationship experience and you would brush off some bad signs.

Can you ask him to show you his laptop history and come clean about this? Can you access your laptop?

The key advice is: trust your gut.

I Also agree that you should move out asap, but that's up to you. Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. Trust and loyalty are the core as well, and he's giving you reasons to run. Romance and efforts in a relationship are another reason, nd you seem to have none from him as well.

[poorlittlefish]

If you only recently moved in with him there's a good chance that he's been doing this shady behaviour for ages and you've been completely unaware. 

If he's the good guy you thought him to be, you should be able to ask that he doesn't close out of his laptop screen just because you've come in the room.  If what he's doing isn't inappropriate for someone in a relationship, and if he values you, he will have no problem agreeing to this or you being able to see whatever is on his screen.  Somehow I think he will object and if so, you need to ask yourself how much more disrespectful behaviour you are willing to tolerate.

[tbear1276]

I guess.. can someone give me an idea of how to approach this subject? Do I wait until something like this happens again? If I just bring it up, out of the blue, he’ll just be like “what?? What are you talking about, I’m not talking to anyone”. The thing is, he can hear me walk to his office. So it’s very rare that he still has anything left on his screen whenever I get in there. He has 3 different monitors. So he just closes one out. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Well, you need to have a conversation about it. Unless you have access to his laptop password, you can't do much but talk about it.

When you are sitting down together, mention how you've seen his behaviour change lately (laptop, less attention, being away, no intimacy, ect.) And see how he answers. If he makes you feel like the bad guy, blames you, figures out some non-legit excuse (no, his father passing away isn't an excuse to shady behaviour and leaving you alone all day), or if plays victim, then it's your cue to out of this. You don't need to know what exactly he's doing, cause his actions already are speaking for him (contrary to his words, which is why you are naturally confused). Always watch the actions and focus less on promises/I love you/ect.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, tbear1276 said:

. We met when I was 18, my first semester of college. He is 8+ years older than me. I work, and I’m in university. 

Still doesn't change my impression and advice. You're playing house going nowhere with someone who takes you for granted like a piece of furniture. He doesn't respect you or your intelligence at all.

You've already talked and talked at him, his answer was "you have trust issues". So continuing talking and talking at him is not the solution.

Nor is rifling through his devices or asking for passwords. You're in a cat and mouse game. 

The solution is to move out and stop being the live in maid and being reduced to the nagging jealous non-housewife his disrespect and secrecy have reduced you to.

 

Edited April 26 by Wiseman2

[Jibralta]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't respect you or your intelligence at all.

You've already talked and talked at him, his answer was "you have trust issues". So continuing talking and talking at him is not the solution.

....You're in a cat and mouse game.

I agree, unfortunately. You have tried talking to him and he just pushes you off. The next step is rifling through his stuff for proof that you're not crazy. If you're at that point, it's time for a Coming to Jesus moment about the state of this relationship. I get that it's hard to leave without concrete proof that he's doing something wrong. But obviously something is wrong in this relationship if he is so indifferent to how worried and upset you are.

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, tbear1276 said:

I’ve made comments about him closing out of things and he kind of just brushes me off as if I’m crazy. 

This is called gaslighting. You caught him, so he says you're crazy.

6 hours ago, tbear1276 said:

just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be this crazy girlfriend constantly questioning him. When I try to have a conversation with him about it, he just accuses me of not trusting him. I don’t think he would cheat on me, honestly. I’ve been with plenty of cheaters in my life. But I feel like he’s not being completely honest with me. 

More gaslighting... You are not crazy but your life is right now.  As others have said, trust your gut.

5 hours ago, tbear1276 said:

He’s 28, I’m 20. We’ve had sex a few times since things have been like this. It’s felt very forced. Like.. he thinks I need it and is trying to make me happy even if he doesn’

This is horrible and I would end things. 

Pack up your stuff and leave.  the fact of life is- people know what they do.  he knows all this is happening. He's not being a good boyfriend. And it's impacting your mental health. You actually owe him nothing. You've been a good girlfriend and given him every benefit of the doubt. 

But enough is enough.  Now it's time for you to do what's right for you.

Be strong. You'll find better! 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, tbear1276 said:

We met when I was 18, my first semester of college. He is 8+ years older than me. I work, and I’m in university. He’s always been very supportive with all of it. 

So you are 23 and he is 30+? Move out. Changing ages doesn't "protect privacy" it simply makes your situation make less sense.  He's been deceptive/secretive all along, you're just noticing it since you moved in. 

[reinventmyself]

To close the lap immediately is clear sign that he's not wanting you to see what he's doing. Right?  If he was shopping for car parts he wouldn't do that.  If it was an innocent chat with a friend, then he wouldn't have anything to hide and he would be transparent about it.

I've learned nothing good comes from those who suddenly start putting their phone face down, silencing it, shutting down pcs, etc. I don't do it.  Because I have nothing to hide.  Once in a while may be normal.  But routinely, when you walk in, it's highly likely he's hiding something.  He can call you insecure to get you to doubt yourself, but it doesn't change how it makes you feel.

I would ask him to stop shutting down the pc when you walk in the room and see what he says.  He'll likely shame you in some way and that's something you need to pay attention to.  

I dated a guy for a couple months who routinely left his phone in his car on our dates and when he came into my home.  He had two younger teenage sons at home alone.  It didn't add up. One night while walking me into my home to just stay an hour, I stopped short of going inside and asked if he needed to go back to his car to get his phone because of his sons.  The look on his face was telling and he paused way too long before retrieving it.  Mind you, I suspected there was another reason the phone was absent.  My hunch was right.  

Listen to your gut!

 

Edited April 26 by reinventmyself

[smackie9]

Some people grieve differently. He lost his father, and he's being weird. Ya he's probably talking to this old friend because it takes him back to when life was normal for him...kind of an escape. I remember when my dad passed away, I felt weird, my habits changed, I just wasn't myself, emotionally strained, the adjustment was really hard. I'm not saying his behavior isn't suspect but it may not really be anything. Talk to him, but don't focus on the girl, talk about his secretive behavior, the lack of intimacy in your relationship, etc. If he plays it off, tell him that this is unacceptable, and you can't live like this anymore, that you are not happy. Stand firm, don't let him push you over by saying things you want to hear. Tell him that's not good enough. 

[HeartGoesOn]

People who have nothing to hide...hide nothing.  Just some food for thought.

[spinstermanquee]

5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

The look on his face was telling and he paused way too long before retrieving it.  Mind you, I suspected there was another reason the phone was absent.  My hunch was right.  

Listen to your gut!

^^^ this.  Way better than I could have said it 😉 From your first post wherein he closed his laptop, I thought to myself:  Hmmm... if a bf of mine did that what would i think?  Run as fast as you can!  This dude is up to no good.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya he's probably talking to this old friend because it takes him back to when life was normal for him...kind of an escape.

Yea, but he can be honest about it and let her know which friend he's talking to instead of shutting the laptop every time she comes near him. That's secrecy and it's never a good sign.

[goddess]

"But now.. It seems every time I walk into the room now, he closes out whatever or whoever he’s talking to."

^^^  Plain and simple, he is clearly hiding something.  He is being disrespectful and sneaky.  No and, ifs or buts.

 

[wealthydior]

He is definitely not being completely honest. Is he acting suspicious? Or when you confronted him was he anxious?

[Kaela]

I believe you when you say he is not a cheater and it sounds like you actually trust him. Unfortunately, if someone is being sneaky without giving you direct answers of why,  they are doing something they know that’s wrong. Due to the trust you have with him I would push the issue for complete honesty but if that doesn’t work I would definitely step back and reevaluate the person he is now because I would hate for you to sit in silence with how you feel and he may think it’s okay or abuse your trust.