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I want sex, he doesn’t


peach
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So I’m 30, my boyfriend is 35. We started dated in February last year, first guy I dated after having my son and the baby daddy leaving us. He loves my son so I’m very grateful for that! But I’m having some issues in the relationship and I’m not sure where else to turn… 
He will not have sex with me or even mess around… we dated until about June and all he had done was like feel me up under the clothes but there was nothing done besides that… I eventually asked him what was up cause he had said before when we started dating that he wanted to wait a little bit just so we could get to know each other more but it had been months, we knew each other… so his reason when I asked was that he still had feelings for his ex and he didn’t think it would be fair and we broke up. 
Fast forward a few months to December, we start seeing each other again cause he says he’s over her, things will be different now, etc. even got me a scratch off sex positions book and stuff for Valentine’s Day… well now April we still have not done anything sexual. I asked him about it a few weeks ago again and he said that he didn’t want things to be all about sex and wants to focus on the small things… he did start making out with me more and will randomly pinch my butt so I was thinking hey maybe he’s warming up. 
Last night we went to a comedy show and we had such a wonderful night and there was no mention of sex or anything but afterwards he sent me a text letting me know how much he loves me and WANTS to do stuff with me, he just wants to wait still…. And that really bummed me out and ruined the night a little bit for me honestly. I’m at my wits end… 

He’s such a good guy and he’s so nice to me and my son… I don’t know what to do. I have needs that are notttt being met.. satisfying myself isn’t enough.. we are also at the point where he wants me and my son to move in with him in a few months but I don’t want to if we haven’t had sex by then… what would you do in this situation?

Edited by peach
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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Any chance he's just not attracted to women?

That was my first thought at as well, to be honest. 

OP, whatever his reasons are, you are 1.5 years into dating a man and there is still no sexual intimacy to speak of. Personally, I would not have not gotten back together with him - but if I had and there was still no sex by nowI would realize this person is not right for me at all, and end it.

His reasons for avoiding intimacy aren't that important. What matters is that it's very clear he doesn't want to have sex with you. For me, sexual chemistry and compatibility are important in a relationship. Otherwise, I would just have a best friend. I've already got one of those. I want to connect on a sexual level with my partner, and if he dodged every attempt after this long, I would read the writing on the wall and move on so I could find someone who wants what I want.

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1 hour ago, peach said:

what would you do in this situation?

Clearly there's an Incompatibility. It's possible he's also still not over his ex.

I'd stop wasting my time with someone who won't value my body and sex and move on.

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You said all he'd done was feel you up under your clothes. Was he letting you do the same or more? I wonder if he suffers from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and is so anxious about it that he's trying to avoid the situation (and thus avoid having to admit it). 

Edited by poorlittlefish
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2 hours ago, peach said:

So I’m 30, my boyfriend is 35. first guy I dated after having my son and the baby daddy leaving us. and he’s so nice to me and my son

Sorry this is happening. Where is your child's father? Do you share custody? Does your child receive child support?

Where do you live now and why would you move in with him? Does he need help with costs? Do you?

What you have is a friendship, not a relationship. 

An asexual man who's way too close to your child and wants you to move in it a gigantic red flag.

Step away from this. It makes no sense.

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Maybe he has an std he's afraid of disclosing, asexual, some ED issues.  Whatever the case may be I would get to the bottom of this asap.  You given 18mo's of your life, not to mention both you and your son! are attached to this man.  Don't invest any more of your valuable time unless you want to continue like this indefinitely.  

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10 hours ago, peach said:

I have thought this before as well… don’t know how I would ever bring it up though. 

"Sex is very important to me in a committed relationship. I feel sexual intimacy is a beautiful way to express love and attraction. If we aren't sexually compatible I would like to know now before we go forward. What do you think?"

If he keeps saying you two will have sex "later" or that sex isn't important that's your cue to bow out now, not to move in with him.

And explain to your child that you and he are still friends but you won't be seeing him as often as you have been.

I for one wouldn't remain in a sexless relationship. 

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It doesn't matter what the reason for him not wanting intimacy with you is, except for the fact that in the worst case scenario, as mentioned, he could do harm to your child. And for that possibility alone, you cannot give him time to improve.

Tell him the relationship isn't working for you. If he had a key, change the locks. If he insists on staying in contact for the good of the child, and that he argues he's a father figure, tell him no, that's not happening. Regardless, block him as a contact.

In the future, don't introduce a child to a man until you know the relationship is leading to longterm, and that isn't known until well after the honeymoon period. As you can see, men entering a child's life and then quickly leaving can be upsetting if they've developed a bond.

If you can't hire a babysitter or trade babysitting hours with another mom, it's best to wait until you have more time to fit dating into your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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