How to not get overly invested?

[junebug123]

Recently, I started going to a lot of meetups to meet women. There was this one girl who I sort of hit it off with, but it turned out that she had a boyfriend so I just casually chatted with her and would see her in similar events.

The other night I’m in the city and I see her and this other women in a bar and I randomly just came in and decided to have a drink with them. They both work at a this bank which I temporarily worked at before having a falling out so we had some sort of commonality. 

Long story short I gave her friend my number and she texted me the next day. We mad plans to get food or drink on Thursday, but I didn’t realize she lived like a state over. I asked her to meet me in the city but then later said I wouldn’t mind coming out to meet her, she knows where I live as well.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on her and this future event too much and it’s been giving me anxiety. I feel like every-time I meet this finically successful women I get too invested and end up getting hurt.

Its sort of a reoccurring theme in my life. I’m  36 and she’s 30. I feel like I’m getting old and this is making me feel desperate. How do I cope with these feelings and learn to take a more relaxed attitude to these types of situations.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

 every-time I meet this finically successful women I get too invested and end up getting hurt.

How far away are you from each other? You haven't even been on the date yet so see how that goes.

At worst it may not gel, but that's just a disappointment, not a "hurt".

What is is emphasis on "financially successful" and why would that make this disappointment any different than any other?

[junebug123]

11 miles give or take. It’s not really about the finances, but more that she has a job which requires some level of intellect. I can’t see myself with someone who I don’t respect or admire.

Yeah, maybe your right. I need to calm down, my lizard brain acting up again. The uncertainty of knowing the outcome is what drives the anxiety. Not sure how other people deal with these types of feelings.

[Kwothe28]

I think your expectations are a bit high. High expectations so early on can lead to bigger dissapointments later down the line. 

So, manage your expectations properly. So far you are just a couple of strangers going for a drink. So build it from there. In case nothing would happen, its not a big deal. If it goes further, you can maybe hope for more. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

.The uncertainty of knowing the outcome is what drives the anxiety. 

What outcome? Either you like her and it's mutual or you say "nice talking to you" and you move forward.

There's no great stakes here just a get to know you type date. It's a virtually zero investment situation so there's nothing to lose.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

11 miles give or take. It’s not really about the finances, but more that she has a job which requires some level of intellect. I can’t see myself with someone who I don’t respect or admire.

Yeah, maybe your right. I need to calm down, my lizard brain acting up again. The uncertainty of knowing the outcome is what drives the anxiety. Not sure how other people deal with these types of feelings.

I did a lot of self talk and distractions when I felt myself getting overinvested.  Having girlfriends who were going through it and took a similar approach worked as well.  Cardio exercise worked great too. 

 I worked very hard at this because I was in my 30s (started dating at age 14, had a number of LTRs, got married at 42, dated up a storm) and wanted husband and family - the right match for me not just Mr. Right on Paper- - and being overly invested/desperate etc wasn't gonna work, right? Sometimes I even pasted signs to my mirror "Don't call ___" (meaning if I was tempted to chase a guy). Also I now do 4-7-8 breathing when I feel anxious and/or can't sleep (Weil method, google it) -helps put things in perspective.

That is how I dealt with it. I started dating my husband right around my 39th bday.  I met over 100 men in person through dating sites, many more through personal ads, singles events, etc  so I had to learn these practices too since I had a marriage/family goal.  

If it's worth it to you  you will find the ways to let your feelings exist but not react to them by getting overly attached.  It's not easy at all.  But it is worth it IMO

Most of the men I dated were more educated and successful than me.  But I was highly educated and successful and I rarely felt intimidated.  Sometimes men acted as if they were intimidated by my success/education etc and that was a huge turnoff.  My husband wanted to date and marry someone who was passionate about her career and well educated.  He told me this after our first date (part 1 of when we dated -we broke up for 7 years or so).  I am not intimidated by him and I recognize that he is smarter than me in certain ways and technically more successful in his career right now (because I had a career as a SAHM for 7 years and then didn't go back full time). 

It also takes work to realize you are not better or worse than the person you are dating -you are equals, you bring strengths and weaknesses and in dating my go to is to find someone compatible and who you respect and admire whether that is because of intellect, success, the ability to plunge a clogged toilet, the ability to get an infant to sleep, to knit socks people will actually wear, to sing in tune in the showe, or the ability not to lose it when on hold with customer service for insurance companies, etc.  But yes -respect and admire.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, manage your expectations properly. So far you are just a couple of strangers going for a drink. So build it from there. In case nothing would happen, its not a big deal. If it goes further, you can maybe hope for more

That's the healthy way to see it! One date at a time OP.

[Lambert]

direct your time and focus to your things. 

Enjoy your time together but when your not together focus on other people and interests. 

Keep meeting people until your exclusive.

[junebug123]

30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Keep meeting people until your exclusive.

Yeah, I realize this is probably the reason I’m overly invested. Haven’t been on a date in a long time (a year or so) or slept with anyone in close to 4 years. Just dedicated myself to work and study and self improvement. 

I guess I used to be very relaxed and go with the flow. Now that I read back at the interaction my responses sort of long. I’m going to try to do some of that 4-7-8 breathing if my anxiety starts up again, and your right Bayta I need to exercise more.

Ill post here after the date. 

[greenfox4]

You are too attached to outcomes. Just concentrate on having a good time when you see her and get busy enjoying your life and working on your goals. If you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or being occupied by thoughts of individuals then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Because the reality is you might meet your next partner tomorrow or you may never meet her. But you'll always have yourself, so when you can become happy with you and your life you'll be in a better place mentally & emotionally which gives you the best chance of a lasting loving relationship.

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I feel like I’m getting old and this is making me feel desperate. 

The worst case scenario is it doesn't work out and you have the opportunity to meet others who are more compatible with you. 

[smackie9]

Anxiety is a killer....it's just from being out of the game for so long. Plus we all want to be accepted right? She said yes, and that's all you have to worry about. That's what going on a date is about...putting your best foot forward and have fun getting to know them. Even if nothing comes of it, at least you are going out and starting your dating journey. 

[reinventmyself]

7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

. The uncertainty of knowing the outcome is what drives the anxiety.

No doubt. . if you go into each date wondering if they are your forever after.  

I read this once and it changed the way I went about dating.  - A date is a moment in time, it's not a marriage proposal.  One date does not guarantee another.  Be your best self, no expectations and enjoy the moment.  Squash those thoughts that cause you to future forecast.   Accept the fact that you don't have crystal ball, therefore you will not know the outcome.   

If you manage your expectations, live in the moment and aren't invested in the outcome, it will change your energy, relieve your anxiety and in turn will likely make you more attractive.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's the healthy way to see it! One date at a time OP.

I always assumed the date I was on was our last date unless there was a time/place plan for another date no matter how well it went.  Not in a negative way but so I could move on after each date and not get overly attached.  (Until we were exclusively dating -then there was no real "asking out" involved).

[junebug123]

Update: so even thou initially I was extremely paranoid that she would cancel the date every time I received a text message, turns out she didn’t.

She lives only an hour away from me and a little to no cost, 5-6 dollars possibly less. There is a mutual city that we can both meet at minimizing time as well. Admittedly she likes me and we had a lot of fun and kissed at the end.

I was sort of surprised at myself not thinking of myself as a catch due to low self esteem and having terrible luck with women over the years. That being said, there were a lot of red flags.

For someone who makes over a 100k a year, she has no savings to speak of and is admittedly a spend thrift. She has unrealistic expectations of her partners earning and thinks that blowing all her money with 3k rent is somehow intelligent, or an elevated form of status.

She doesn’t have a history of choosing successful partners and brings her past baggage into future relationships. Claiming that men not earning a certain amount aren’t worthy of dating material.

On the plus side, she’s very intelligent and hard working, seeming to be able to keep up with all my conversational points and eager to learn and hear more. She works in a competitive field with extremely intelligent people and is ambitious.

Shes trying to grow and develop as a person and I can see this reflected in her thoughts and actions. She’s seems to be open and receptive to building something with me as we made future plans and continue to talk.

Currently, I’m unsure of how to proceed and worry that this women isn’t much different then many I have dated in the past. I feel like I’m at a new job and worry that if I quit now, I might miss out on the benefits and not be able to find an equally competent employer in the future. While at the same time wondering am I settling and should I cut my losses now and move on before I invest anymore time and energy.

Part of me wants to keep dating her while keeping my options open. I’m not really sure how to proceed.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

there were a lot of red flags.

For someone who makes over a 100k a year.

Are you intimidated by her? What's up with the income and job comparison?

[junebug123]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you intimidated by her? What's up with the income and job comparison?

Is the first question suppose to be rhetorical, not sure how this helps in making a decision or what you are trying to highlight here. Are you implying that I cannot have standards for what I want from a partner in terms of their employment?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

 I cannot have standards for what I want from a partner in terms of their employment?

??? You seem to have a lot of red flags listed about her. You're the one who needs to decide if you want a second date. But the long list of gripes about her money style seems to have you quite confused.  

[junebug123]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

??? You seem to have a lot of red flags listed about her. You're the one who needs to decide if you want a second date. But the long list of gripes about her money style seems to have you quite confused.  

Weird I just responded but it wasn’t posted. Anyways, I think you are right about what you said. I am letting her faults about mismanaging money be too much of a determining factor in deciding whether or not to continue to date. 

I appreciate you quick response and realize that I need to invest some more time before deciding if this is minor fault or a major one this early on.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

She doesn’t have a history of choosing successful partners and brings her past baggage into future relationships. Claiming that men not earning a certain amount aren’t worthy of dating material.

 

Red flag the size of communist China.

Lots of women base their choices on "security". Meaning, your ability to provide. While inherently, there is nothing bad with that, as they dont want to end up with somebody who, for example, doesnt work, bringing up how somebody is not worthy, on the first date, if he doesnt earn "x ammount", means she is without any doubt, a materialist. And that your ability as the partner is linked with your ability to provide "x ammount". If you dont, well, she will go to somebody who will.

You had fun so that is good. However, if you are going to consider it for more, you should take what you noticed into consideration. So just open up your eyes for stuff like that if you are continuing.

[Batya33]

If she's actually making comments about wanting someone who makes a certain amount of $ -as opposed to wanting financial stability because she, too, brings financial stability to the table -that would be a turn off.  The former to me is smart -find someone who is financially stable and shares your financial values (you're a saver- me too - so you should find a saver).  I'm not sure how you know how much she makes -is it public info or did she tell you? That too would make a difference to me as to whether she has common sense and decent tact/manners.

There are plenty of people who would be happy to be in the financial provider role and/or don't believe in saving for the future -you are not one of them and maybe it's good you have this info now. 

For example, my friend's daughter is in her mid 20s and makes decent $ but parents support her lifestyle that will take some doing - yes over 3k/month in rent plus two Starbucks fancy beverages/day -meaning right now around a $12-14 habit just for coffee. So she needs a guy -and she is dating someone now -who admires her decisions to spend in this manner.  But it's not all women.  I was not like that.  At all - but again I met the "gold diggers" you did because based on my job/career it was obvious I was doing well without my saying a word.

[junebug123]

Earlier I mentioned that the girl I met at a meetup works with her friend at a bank. I personally know how much the bank pays because I worked there as a developer myself.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

She lives only an hour away from me and a little to no cost, 5-6 dollars possibly less. 

Do you mean Uber, train tickets, gas? If $5 is an issue for her, she seems unrealistic.

[junebug123]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean Uber, train tickets, gas? If $5 is an issue for her, she seems unrealistic.

No it’s just train tickets and I’m certain she’s willing to come out to meet me as well. Ill take everything we spoke about into consideration and keep dating while being aware of some of the red flags I noticed. 

I know that I am no angel myself and people have the ability to change. I don’t want to just write someone off because that had a shotty past. Of course I’m not going to rush in and propose or try to get this one pregnant.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

No it’s just train tickets and I’m certain she’s willing to come out to meet me as well. Ill take everything we spoke about into consideration and keep dating while being aware of some of the red flags I noticed. 

I know that I am no angel myself and people have the ability to change. I don’t want to just write someone off because that had a shotty past. Of course I’m not going to rush in and propose or try to get this one pregnant.

Yes, she can change her financial habits and values - can- if she wants to.  Not because you suggest she should.  She has to want to. Any indication that she's unhappy with her financial habits or values? I changed certain of my financial habits after becoming a parent.  My financial values have always been what they are now, for as long as I can remember. I married someone with compatible financial values.