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Can I prevent myself from cheating?


Chester 39
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I am a 39yo man who will be married to a woman this summer, but I have frequent thoughts of having sex with other women. I love my fiance and want to marry her, but when these thoughts are in my head every day, I am afraid that I will cheat on her sooner or later. Do you have any advice on how to prevent myself from cheating?? (preferably not castration) 

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I’m going to assume you have plenty of thoughts here and there that you don’t act on. The shot of whiskey, say, when you’re about to drive. Quitting your job on a particularly fraught day. Rear ending the dude in front of you who is texting and driving. And so on. If you can keep all that in check, it’s well within your capability here. 

That said, I can’t help but ask: why are you getting married if you are this consumed by the prospect of having sex with people who are not your girlfriend? How long have you been together and how long have such thoughts been this dominant? Throughout the relationship or since deciding to get married?

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7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I’m going to assume you have plenty of thoughts here and there that you don’t act on. The shot of whiskey, say, when you’re about to drive. Quitting your job on a particularly fraught day. Rear ending the dude in front of you who is texting and driving. And so on. If you can keep all that in check, it’s well within your capability here. 

That said, I can’t help but ask: why are you getting married if you are this consumed by the prospect of having sex with people who are not your girlfriend? How long have you been together and how long have such thoughts been this dominant? Throughout the relationship or since deciding to get married?

I know of many who fantasize, watch sexy movies, porn I guess- but they stay true and loyal to their partner.  It doesn't mean you will act on it by cheating.  I really like BC's question above as far as when did this start?

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38 minutes ago, Chester 39 said:

but I have frequent thoughts of having sex with other women

Specific women, like exes, friends, etc? Or, women in general?
I would be very upset finding out my fiancee had these thoughts on a daily basis.

Rethink marriage.

Edited by Rox22
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17 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I’m going to assume you have plenty of thoughts here and there that you don’t act on. The shot of whiskey, say, when you’re about to drive. Quitting your job on a particularly fraught day. Rear ending the dude in front of you who is texting and driving. And so on. If you can keep all that in check, it’s well within your capability here. 

That said, I can’t help but ask: why are you getting married if you are this consumed by the prospect of having sex with people who are not your girlfriend? How long have you been together and how long have such thoughts been this dominant? Throughout the relationship or since deciding to get married?

I want to be married because it feels meaningful to me spending my life with the same person, rather than just having cheap sex all my life. We have been together 5 years, and I've pretty much always had these thoughts. Even when I've had other girlfriends in the past, it seems that I am always attracted to other women--though, I've never acted on it. 

 

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Just to clarify -- are you under the impression that you should no longer be attracted to other women? Because that is completely ridiculous -- people in long-term relationships are attracted to others. But if they really love their partner and want the relationship to work they put their energy into it and not into other people. If you think you won't be able to direct your energies properly for the long term then you should absolutely not get married. If you are simply concerned because you attracted to others, I think you have a basic misunderstanding of human nature. 

 

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28 minutes ago, Chester 39 said:

I want to be married because it feels meaningful to me spending my life with the same person, rather than just having cheap sex all my life. We have been together 5 years, and I've pretty much always had these thoughts. Even when I've had other girlfriends in the past, it seems that I am always attracted to other women--though, I've never acted on it. 

 

If you knew your girlfriend was having the same sort of thoughts at the same frequency would marrying her have the same meaning to you? 

Such thoughts, generally speaking, are pretty common. At least here and there. But for the entirety of the relationship? That leads me to think that you are maybe reckoning with something—an idea, maybe, that who you are is at odds with who you think you’re supposed to be? I ask that because of how you seemed to view “marriage” as the opposite of “cheap sex.” 

How is your sex life with your girlfriend?

 

 

 

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1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

If you knew your girlfriend was having the same sort of thoughts at the same frequency would marrying her have the same meaning to you? 

Such thoughts, generally speaking, are pretty common. At least here and there. But for the entirety of the relationship? That leads me to think that you are maybe reckoning with something—an idea, maybe, that who you are is at odds with who you think you’re supposed to be? I ask that because of how you seemed to view “marriage” as the opposite of “cheap sex.” 

How is your sex life with your girlfriend?

 

 

 

emmm, we rarely have sex 😕

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1 hour ago, Chester 39 said:

I am afraid that I will cheat on her sooner or later. 

This is nonsense.  Are you trying to say you have no control over where your penis goes?  Come on now.  All you're doing is giving yourself permission to cheat and then falling back on "I was afraid I might do that."

Cheating is a choice.  Just like staying faithful is a choice.  Each choice you have complete control over.

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45 minutes ago, Chester 39 said:

emmm, we rarely have sex 😕

So, this is the issue: compatibility. If you don’t jibe sexually with someone, and jibing sexually is important to you, you are better off with someone else. A very hard thing to contemplate after 5 years, I know, but you’re already contemplating hard things. 

Was your sex life together ever ideal and satisfying?

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2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

So, this is the issue: compatibility. If you don’t jibe sexually with someone, and jibing sexually is important to you, you are better off with someone else. A very hard thing to contemplate after 5 years, I know, but you’re already contemplating hard things. 

Was your sex life together ever ideal and satisfying?

maybe for the first month of our relationship?

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6 hours ago, Chester 39 said:

emmm, we rarely have sex 😕

Sorry this is happening. Is this an arranged marriage? Are you attracted to each other?

Do you live together? You seem hesitant to marry. In fact an expensive wedding and divorce seems like a lot of trouble just to coast along and settle.

Reconsider what's going on here. At the very least, get premarital counseling and review how expensive a divorce would be if you decide to step out.

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So you are dissatisfied in your current relationship, and looking for a way out/escape.

Break it off, but don't cheat. It's not fair to your fiance to get married to someone who is not 100% loyal and into her.

You surely have a choice. It's a tough one, but you need to out.

I know someone who had an ex. He cheated on her while they were together but claiming he "loved her" nonetheless. But he didn't love here enough to not cheat. He was too young and wanted to have fun/ explore and not settle down with someone. And he recognized that after she left him. He hurt that woman so much... Don't do the same. Be wiser and break it off if you've already tried to to talk about and excite the bedroom (and other issues) with no avail. It's okay.

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6 hours ago, Chester 39 said:

maybe for the first month of our relationship?

Did you guys do something about it? Talk about it? Spice things up? You want to tell me that you let yourself be sexually unfulfilled for 5 years?

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11 hours ago, Chester 39 said:

I want to be married because it feels meaningful to me spending my life with the same person, rather than just having cheap sex all my life. We have been together 5 years, and I've pretty much always had these thoughts. Even when I've had other girlfriends in the past, it seems that I am always attracted to other women--though, I've never acted on it. 

 

But are you reasonably excited and sure about being with this particular person? Or is it the negative mindset of "it's better than traipsing around looking for cheap sex?" Don't get married solely out of some abstract aspect of "meaningful" as that is not enough motivation to stay in a marriage.  It's one aspect -meaning many people -me included -believe strongly in the institution of marriage generally and so my specific desire to be with and commit to my husband is enhanced by my views on marriage (he has the same views) but it's not "why" I chose him as my person.  

If  you're this consumed with thoughts of other women so that it shakes you to the core of your commitment and your focus is on some abstract notion of "marriage" as "more meaningful" than casual sex I have some concerns you don't have the glue to bind you to this person in particular.

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