New Relationship (kinda)

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

She’s very polite, but also was misleading in a sense. Says one thing, actions say otherwise. Not that she’s to blame, she was uneasy going into talking and let me know.

Ugh I don't get it. She enjoyed chatting with you, but clearly told you her intentions. Nothing wrong with that.

If she annoys you so much, why are you waiting on her?

Time to move in to someone else available to date. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Do you have a profile on a dating app? Do you meet women when going to events/doing hobbies?

[thelogride]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Ugh I don't get it. She enjoyed chatting with you, but clearly told you her intentions. Nothing wrong with that.

If she annoys you so much, why are you waiting on her?

Time to move in to someone else available to date. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Do you have a profile on a dating app? Do you meet women when going to events/doing hobbies?

It’s almost like she just needed someone to talk to. And I know for a fact that she’s very ‘to herself’ and doesn’t have a ton of friends because of that. From what she said she was hopeful she would be ready and something would click but she just isn’t at that point yet and didn’t want to drag me through it and have it not work out. Which I do appreciate her telling me that. The “false hope” comes into play because it’s not that she’s not interested in me, because she straight up said she was, so this makes me feel like if I just gave her time she will come around. That’s not the right way to think I know.. which is why I’m struggling to come to terms with that. Could that happen? Absolutely. Is it likely? Probably not. Lots of things change in a moments notice. 

[DarkCh0c0]

But that's life. When you break up with someone, you might feel vulnerable and act out. Some become very chatty and curious but nothing serious... Including myself! And that's okay as long as intentions are clear.

Just move along to the next available person. I know it's hard. You seem to have liked her, but it is what it is.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, thelogride said:

It’s almost like she just needed someone to talk to. 

That's ok, people going through breakups do. However she needs to talk to friends and family about all that.

In fact maybe that's why her friends tried to pawn her off on you because they were tired of hearing about her heartbreak/breakup.

Still. She's not ready to date you. And you're not a volunteer therapist.

[thelogride]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok, people going through breakups do. However she needs to talk to friends and family about all that.

In fact maybe that's why her friends tried to pawn her off on you because they were tired of hearing about her heartbreak/breakup.

Still. She's not ready to date you. And you're not a volunteer therapist.

Definitely. Imma need a W-2 filled out to do that lol. Her friends meant well, I was actually just talking to my best friend (the friend who set it up) and he mentioned how out of nowhere this was because she told them she absolutely loved it and wanted to hang out again and loved being around me because I’m so fun. Then two days later she says nope, can’t do it. Blindsided. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Then two days later she says nope, can’t do it.

That's all you need to know.

Not sure what it is you're "clinging" to unless you're avoiding real relationships.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP everyone has the right to change their mind in dating or other aspect of their life.

You know, you too can go on on dates with someone who sounds great and then realize you don't want to carry on for whatever reasons. Totally legit.

[LootieTootie]

15 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Definitely. Imma need a W-2 filled out to do that lol. Her friends meant well, I was actually just talking to my best friend (the friend who set it up) and he mentioned how out of nowhere this was because she told them she absolutely loved it and wanted to hang out again and loved being around me because I’m so fun. Then two days later she says nope, can’t do it. Blindsided. 

She is fresh from a breakup and so I apologize, but you and your friends should not feel blindsided. Others have mentioned that it could have been when you both met and her feelings change. but I think she was always honest with you about not being ready. 

She might have liked the distraction but when you are healing from a fresh breakup, you're in a constant midst of mixed emotions about being ready and not being ready. 

Also, you should be dating women who are emotionally available. Your picker is a reflection of you. 

You might want to sit back and do some self-reflection before you throw yourself out there. 

[thelogride]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

She is fresh from a breakup and so I apologize, but you and your friends should not feel blindsided. Others have mentioned that it could have been when you both met and her feelings change. but I think she was always honest with you about not being ready. 

She might have liked the distraction but when you are healing from a fresh breakup, you're in a constant midst of mixed emotions about being ready and not being ready. 

Also, you should be dating women who are emotionally available. Your picker is a reflection of you. 

You might want to sit back and do some self-reflection before you throw yourself out there. 

Thank you for this comment. It was (and still is I’m sure) an emotional roller coaster with her where one night she would seem like she was totally fine and wanting to try something and then the next night she would be hesitant.. it was very odd, but it makes perfect sense at the same time. It’s me trying to ignore the red flags hoping we could jump through those hoops and be fine. I remember my first breakup with my very first girlfriend, I couldn’t even IMAGINE trying to date again just a month later. I can’t imagine what’s going through her head. Everyone moves at different speeds tho, so who really knows but from what I can tell she was definitely not ready for that type of “commitment” or she was scared of being hurt again. Which makes sense. 

[catfeeder]

Too much, too soon. Hours on the phone whether texting or speaking can be smothering.

The problem with smothering is that is snuffs out any potential feelings to the degree that they won't come back. 

Hours on the phone is fantasy-building. It's so easy to fall in love with the stuff we create in our own mind 'about' someone. It's difficult to decathect from that attachment, but she's made it clear that she's not up for this.

Your friends were not smart. They pounced on this woman despite her breakup being so recent, and they oversold the match to both of you. 

Don't rely on the lousy judgment of others. Your gut told you this was too soon, and you were right.

 

 

[thelogride]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Too much, too soon. Hours on the phone whether texting or speaking can be smothering.

The problem with smothering is that is snuffs out any potential feelings to the degree that they won't come back. 

Hours on the phone is fantasy-building. It's so easy to fall in love with the stuff we create in our own mind 'about' someone. It's difficult to decathect from that attachment, but she's made it clear that she's not up for this.

Your friends were not smart. They pounced on this woman despite her breakup being so recent, and they oversold the match to both of you. 

Don't rely on the lousy judgment of others. Your gut told you this was too soon, and you were right.

 

 

It was too much too soon, and it wouldn’t have mattered how “slow” I went, it would’ve never worked out because she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She was hopeful that something would change with her feelings but I think she’s so emotionally exhausted she just couldn’t and can’t handle anything right now. I did leave the door open because there was nothing sour that either of us said. I told her if she ever has a change of heart to let me know. So I guess right now I’m just hopeful that by going cold turkey she will miss talking to me but that’s wishful thinking, and also selfish. It’s been a few days now since we last talked. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

So I guess right now I’m just hopeful that by going cold turkey she will miss talking to me

Hopefully you're not putting yourself on hold waiting for her to change her mind about you.  There are literally dozens of single, attractive young women.  Why not go out with someone you know wants to date you instead of hoping this ONE woman has a "change of heart"?

[Batya33]

I think refraining from acting in a needy clingy way can change the way things go with many people.  First impressions in particular are crucial.

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Hopefully you're not putting yourself on hold waiting for her to change her mind about you.  There are literally dozens of single, attractive young women.  Why not go out with someone you know wants to date you instead of hoping this ONE woman has a "change of heart"?

I’m not really putting myself on hold, I’m just not applying myself like others do. I avoid talking to new girls for this very reason, I somehow get attached too fast and it’s just easier to be alone in that sense. But if I find the right one then everything will be worth it. I guess it’s up to me to find that person. I don’t like the idea of waiting for someone in hope they have a change of heart, but I don’t want to go through the hurt again with new women. It’s hard. 

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think refraining from acting in a needy clingy way can change the way things go with many people.  First impressions in particular are crucial.

I honestly don’t think I came off as clingy. We were just talking very often with fast responses on both ends, but that’s about the only way to imply being clingy. I never said anything overbearing that would make me sound that way either. Plus when she ended our talking, I didn’t beg her to stay or anything, I just said okay I understand and if you have a change of heart after time has passed to let me know and we can see where we’re at. I don’t think I came off as clingy, but in my head I know that I am. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

I’m not really putting myself on hold, I’m just not applying myself like others do. I avoid talking to new girls for this very reason, I somehow get attached too fast and it’s just easier to be alone in that sense. But if I find the right one then everything will be worth it. I guess it’s up to me to find that person. I don’t like the idea of waiting for someone in hope they have a change of heart, but I don’t want to go through the hurt again with new women. It’s hard. 

Finding the right woman won't happen if you attach yourself to any woman who comes along. You do have the right to be picky! 

What do you think you can do about your tendency to overly attach yourself to any woman who gives you a bit of attention?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

...But if I find the right one then everything will be worth it. I guess it’s up to me to find that person. I don’t like the idea of waiting for someone in hope they have a change of heart, but I don’t want to go through the hurt again with new women. It’s hard. 

The best way to find is to look and meet. The key word is meet, and do that BEFORE inventing in emotional attachment.

Use apps to screen out basic dealbreakers and set up quick meets. Don't spend time hanging out on the phone--THAT is how you hurt your SELF. Not just from how she perceives the behavior, but by forming an attachment then getting your feelings hurt later.

Consider OLD to be more transactional than romantic--unless and until you strike mutual chemistry IN PERSON. Meet people 'cold' without investment, and learn whether someone attracts you rather than trying to tap-dance for everyone.

Most people are NOT our match, and that's a level truth for everyone, so there's no point in getting hurt over it. Condition yourself to screen out bad matches and to view rejection as speaking of someone else's limits rather than of any reflection on you. 

The right person will view you through the right lens. Hold out for that instead of trying to 'convert' anyone who doesn't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value.

Head high.

[thelogride]

Small update to share, not much but just adds a little more confusion to the mix. Last night I hung out with my friend and his girlfriend (the two who tried to set this up) and I briefly spoke with the girlfriend about this because she’s really good friends with El and knows what’s going on. I asked her how she thought hanging out went and she said that it went super well and even El liked it. El was saying how much she liked talking to me and liked me after the fact. I told the girlfriend that I’ve been pretty upset this last week and wasn’t sure what to do and she said that she was caught off guard by this all as well but just said to give her time. She also mentioned how upset she was that we weren’t talking anymore and she felt bad about it.. but that makes no sense because this is her choice to not talk to me??? After that short conversation I decided to send El a message this morning saying I’m sorry for pushing things so soon and I hope we can still be friends on good terms. She said yes and she doesn’t want our friendship to be ruined and we’ll be seeing each other quite a bit this summer at the lake. I replied back saying yes we will and thanks for forgiving me and I’m glad we’re on good terms. I also mentioned how we jumped the gun but who knows what the future will hold, so I wanted to make sure we’re on good terms. That’s me obviously hinting at maybe when more time has past circumstances will change, which is highly possible. She didn’t reply to that but I wasn’t expecting her too. I think now I just leave her be until I either see her in person again or if she happens to reach out to me. It’ll probably be awhile before I ever see her. 

[Batya33]

You created confusion by gossiping behind El's back.  And getting very second hand info and guesses from this friend.  Perhaps El is telling this person different things as she doesn't want to tell her the truth. Or this friend didn't want to be put in the middle of it and told you just to make you feel better -or that was her intention.  It's really awkward when a person is put in the middle as you tried to do to this person.

Now it is even more clear from El's message -as it should have been before -she wants to be on good terms with you as you two have mutual friends and will run into you.  She doesn't want to date you.  If she does in the future I'm sure she will reach out as you've pursued and chased her and she knows you are into her.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, thelogride said:

She said yes and she doesn’t want our friendship to be ruined and we’ll be seeing each other quite a bit this summer at the lake. I replied back saying yes we will and thanks for forgiving me and I’m glad we’re on good terms. I think now I just leave her be until I either see her in person again or if she happens to reach out to me.

Ok, yes exactly. Now breathe and stand back a bit. Don't hesitate to date others though.

[boltnrun]

For sure this mutual friend will tell "El" you were talking about her. I hope you didn't say anything you wouldn't want her to know because the mutual friend will tell her EVERYTHING you said. And don't be naive in thinking she won't tell her, even if she promised not to. She absolutely will.

But now you know, she wants to be friendly because you'll likely run into one another again. But as far as dates, no. 

Which is great because you can stop "clinging to 'hope'" and pursue young women who truly do want to date you.

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

For sure this mutual friend will tell "El" you were talking about her. I hope you didn't say anything you wouldn't want her to know because the mutual friend will tell her EVERYTHING you said. And don't be naive in thinking she won't tell her, even if she promised not to. She absolutely will.

But now you know, she wants to be friendly because you'll likely run into one another again. But as far as dates, no. 

Which is great because you can stop "clinging to 'hope'" and pursue young women who truly do want to date you.

I didn’t say anything bad, all I asked her was how she thought things went and if she was surprised with this outcome and she agreed with me. She’s also the one who told me El was very upset with coming to this conclusion and was noticeably upset while they were at work together about it and even talked at least a little about it. I know all girls do is talk so I’m sure they talked more than I think lol. I just wanted to ensure we’re on good terms because we’ll be seeing each other on the lake while boating together as a small group (same group we had basically when we had our “double date”) and I really didn’t want it to be awkward at all. Plus I would like to leave the door open, which is exactly what I’m doing and she’s well aware of that. If I end up talking to or dating another girl then great, but I still like the thought of El and I possibly being something in the future. No guarantees with that though, and who really knows. It would be foolish to sell myself short and wait around for something that might not even come to fruition. 

[wealthydior]

For now you should just wait for your double date lake activity. Don’t text her make her miss you. And of course if you like someone else go for it you can’t wait for her forever.

[thelogride]

5 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

For now you should just wait for your double date lake activity. Don’t text her make her miss you. And of course if you like someone else go for it you can’t wait for her forever.

Thank you so much, I needed to hear this confirmation 🙏🏻 It’s not only the right thing to do but the best for myself as well. Life can be tough at times in the relationship world. 

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter if you said nothing bad.  It's talking behind someone's back and in a situation where you're trying to get information second hand about the person for your own interests.  It's inappropriate and when El finds out she won't be pleased.  Please assume she doesn't want to date you.  She's now made it clear several times.  The sky could fall in - of course "anything can happen" -but that's not something to pin an iota of hope on.