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Unplanned pregnancy in college, and the father is uncertain


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25 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

I have told my parents that I am pregnant and how it happened, and they were a bit shocked, but also delighted and said that they would help me with it as much as they could, and that I wouldn't need to worry about that part.
I have also considered talking to the guy I dated, and telling him that he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to.

I will admit though that it would be wonderful if he did say that he was interested in being involved, since it would be beautiful if we went through this together and tried to develop a relationship together.
However, I also realise that he is probably very tempted by all the attention that he gets from other girls, and that he is exhilarated by having his pick without effort like that.

Well I think most parents want to have grandkids but I guess they just didn't expect it would happen so early on. Maybe you could say to the guy that you would really love him to be in the child's life. Maybe he would want that but he doesn't have to want to actually be in a relationship with you. I'm not trying to be rude but he dumped you so unfortunately it doesn't seem like he loved you or wanted a relationship with you. I think it's not fair to force him to be in a relationship but in regards to the child yes it would be great if he wanted to step up to being a father.

Edited by Tinydance
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7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think most parents want to have grandkids but I guess they just didn't expect it would happen so early on. Maybe you could say to the gut that you would really love him to be in the child's life. Maybe he would want that but he doesn't have to want to actually be in a relationship with you. I'm not trying to be rude but he dumped you so unfortunately it doesn't seem like he loved you or wanted a relationship with you. I think it's not fair to force him to be in a relationship but in regards to the child yes it would be great if he wanted to step up to being a father.

There is maybe a 20-30% chance that I will decide on an abortion at the moment, since a lot of things feel unprepared.

I am not sure what I should expect from a guy like this, but my guess is that he feels a huge rush from seeing pretty girls flirt with him everywhere and trying to seduce him in various ways, so he will most likely want to enjoy that time for a lot longer.

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8 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

There is maybe a 20-30% chance that I will decide on an abortion at the moment, since a lot of things feel unprepared.

I am not sure what I should expect from a guy like this, but my guess is that he feels a huge rush from seeing pretty girls flirt with him everywhere and trying to seduce him in various ways, so he will most likely want to enjoy that time for a lot longer.

He does not want a relationship with you. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship with anyone including you. But it's not because he feels a huge rush. Because people in love or who see serious potential do not react to feeling a huge rush from this sort of attention -if they even feel a huge rush in the first place.  It doesn't matter who tries to seduce or flirt with a person who is in love with and committed to his partner -he will choose his partner -it will be a no brainer.  He won't care if other women want him.  At all. 

You believe he is enjoying this attention. He might be or he might enjoy it until he meets a woman who he wants to commit to. Or he might not be enjoying it but also doesn't want to be with you.  If he meets a woman he wants to be with he will prioritize being with her over female attention.  You are not that woman.  You being pregnant does not change that for him.  

Whatever you decide I hope you are at peace with your decision.  I loved being pregnant.  I was pregnant one time in my life and I have one child.  For me personally I loved the changes in my body, growing a life, taking care of myself to help grow that life and I also loved and was thrilled with doing this with my future husband, a man who so much wanted a family with me and to marry me. 

I decided against single motherhood -for me- when I was in my late 30s and unmarried/single.  I know of many single mothers by choice, I know of single moms who are divorced, widowed, never married.  I do think single motherhood is very very hard and all else equal would not have been my preference.

  I know of women who had abortions and some of those women regretted it, I know of one who absolutely did not (she was 15 or 16 now a mom of two adults).  It's not an easy decision.  At all.  So I am glad you have supportive parents and I hope they can be there for you as you make your choice.  Wishing you the best.  

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15 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

There is maybe a 20-30% chance that I will decide on an abortion at the moment, since a lot of things feel unprepared.

I am not sure what I should expect from a guy like this, but my guess is that he feels a huge rush from seeing pretty girls flirt with him everywhere and trying to seduce him in various ways, so he will most likely want to enjoy that time for a lot longer.

Well this is your choice, do what you feel is right. But if I can just make a suggestion not to rush your decision. I know in terms of abortion you need to do it by a certain time but I just think this is such a huge decision (either way) so maybe you should really think about it first. Do you have any counselling you can use at college to discuss this? Or talk to someone at a family planning clinic? Also I think you need to have a clear discussion with the guy. Have you asked him how he really feels about this? What does he want? I mean, because it's your body it'll end up being your decision but maybe it can help you with your thought processes to know what he's thinking too.

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29 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

Aa okay, I will think about that.
Now when I think about it, I believe I might also still consider abortion, since I feel that I am pregnant in a tricky situation, with school studies and a hesitant father and all of that.
But I will think about it.

I like what Tinydance suggested -your college likely has a clinic where you can talk to someone and get some input on your decision. Would you consider giving up for adoption? That's also an option if you are not ready to be a single mother.  

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24 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well this is your choice, do what you feel is right. But if I can just make a suggestion not to rush your decision. I know in terms of abortion you need to do it by a certain time but I just think this is such a huge decision (either way) so maybe you should really think about it first. Do you have any counselling you can use at college to discuss this? Or talk to someone at a family planning clinic? Also I think you need to have a clear discussion with the guy. Have you asked him how he really feels about this? What does he want? I mean, because it's your body it'll end up being your decision but maybe it can help you with your thought processes to know what he's thinking too.

I have a clinic at my college, and I will probably go there next week or so.

We did enjoy each other a lot during sex, so that part worked out very well.
I would follow him home after school most days, and we would start having sex for maybe half an hour as soon as we got inside, then we would lie and talk sweetly to each other for a while, and then start having sex again.
I am not sure which activities that are more likely to break condoms, but we had a lot of sex in the cowgirl position, and it would typically be at a high intensity and for a pretty long time, so I feel like this might have made one of the condoms break, or maybe slip off a bit.

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1 minute ago, PrincessPixie said:

  

I have a clinic at my college, and I will probably go there next week or so.

We did enjoy each other a lot during sex, so that part worked out very well.
I would follow him home after school most days, and we would start having sex for maybe half an hour as soon as we got inside, then we would lie and talk sweetly to each other for a while, and then start having sex again.
I am not sure which activities that are more likely to break condoms, but we had a lot of sex in the cowgirl position, and it would typically be at a high intensity and for a pretty long time, so I feel like this might have made one of the condoms break, or maybe slip off a bit.

Well these things happen but I think if your body can tolerate it maybe in future you should go on the pill.

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I'm glad you are willing to go talk to someone at the clinic. They can help you understand all the options, and offer resources and support no matter what you choose. 

Will your parents support you if you choose abortion or adoption? 

 

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You called him the guy you "dated". So did you two go out on dates that he asked you out on during that week? Things like movies, restaurant meals or parties on campus together? Or was it sex and some conversation?

Because if it was sex and some conversation he doesn't know you well enough (or you him) to determine if you two should be in a committed relationship.

Definitely have a serious talk with him about what he intends to do.

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5 hours ago, PrincessPixie said:

it would be beautiful if we went through this together and tried to develop a relationship together.

I don't mean to be unkind or insensitive, but I would not hold out hope for this. Based on what you describe, the above scenario is very unlikely. 

It appears you didn't two didn't really date, but were just sleeping together. He opted out after a couple months. This is not likely to suddenly to do a 180 a wind up as a happy family. So, whatever choice you make, I would expect that you'll be facing it either alone or as a co-parents, but not a romantic couple. 

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At 18 what kind of position are you in to take care of another human being?  Never mind what he wants, what do YOU want?  This is my opinion so here goes.  I'd be having an abortion asap.  I would not want to mess up my life and future at 18 with an unplanned pregnancy with some random dude who's popular and good looking.  The does not make for a solid relationship or future.  You'd be on your own to raise the child.

Get yourself on some good birth control.

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18 hours ago, PrincessPixie said:

  I have a clinic at my college, and I will probably go there next week or so.

Do you have health insurance under your parents? You need more than a campus clinic. Whatever you decide to do you'll need a physician. 

On another note, it's doubtful a hookup wants to become a babydaddy because of a broken condom rather than wishing to be together or even in a relationship, no less be a family.

This is why it's solely your decision. You would carry the medical costs one way or the other. You would also have to prove paternity, should you choose to go forward.

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I do have health insurance, but I also cannot deny that I am still hoping that he might show that he is willing to be a part of this.
There is one class next week that I know that we will have together, so I will try to have a talk with him there.

I am not quite sure what to expect from a guy like him;
I have heard that a guy who ends up being the type who is considered highly attractive by lots of girls in a certain environment is "tricky" to deal with, although I am not sure what that means.

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6 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

There is one class next week that I know that we will have together, so I will try to have a talk with him there.

If someone wants to play the field, you're not going to keep anyone with an unplanned pregnancy. 

It almost seems like you hope you'll be a happily ever after family even though he doesn't even seem to want to date you exclusively.

Discuss the finances health and options with your parents.

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18 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

I do have health insurance, but I also cannot deny that I am still hoping that he might show that he is willing to be a part of this.
There is one class next week that I know that we will have together, so I will try to have a talk with him there.

I am not quite sure what to expect from a guy like him;
I have heard that a guy who ends up being the type who is considered highly attractive by lots of girls in a certain environment is "tricky" to deal with, although I am not sure what that means.

He is not a "guy like this" any more than you are a type of person who chases people for sex - you pursued this one person for sex, he consented, you had fun having sex. Would you like it if someone described you as a "type of person who chases her classmates for sex"?  He is an individual person who is connected to you only sexually and physically for a brief period of time in your lives.  So it's anyone's guess what he wants to do going forward as far as being an involved father.  There's no trickiness here just because he looks attractive and gets a lot of female attention.  This is straightforward - you two had intercourse.  Because you chose to have sex with this person you are now pregnant. 

Being an expecting mother requires you -if you want a healthy pregnancy and baby - to live and act in a healthful way, be under the care of a doctor or midwife who can tell you what living in a healthful way requires, figure out the financial aspects of how you will pay for prenatal care, how you will make $ during or after your pregnancy if needed, where you will live, what you will do about childcare if needed, and part of this is figuring out what his financial role will be in the pregnancy/birth/raising the child and establishing paternity. 

Your emotions about him as a person, your hopes as to his potential emotional connection to you have to be second priority or third or fourth.  Why? For one thing it's a good dry run for parenting.  Parents very often have to put their needs second -even basic needs like having to pee badly.  Parents often have to resist indulging their own feelings if they need to focus at that moment on their child.  

You can hope all you wish - nothing wrong with that except it might hurt more if you have unrealistic expectations.  Good luck.

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Hey Pixie,

 

I didn’t want to come in on this thread, you have been given some good advice already.

 

I just wanted to add, if you did want to ask me anything or message me, I have been in a kind of similar situation to yourself.

 

I have only ever been with my now husband for 14 years from being 18. Life happens though. I was violently allergic to the contraceptive pill. I have an over balance of estrogen in my system anyway and it caused all kinds of bad reactions for me (most contraceptive pills). I would be sick until I was retching for about a whole day if I took most of them. 
 

Anyway, at this point in my life I been with my now husband for 5 years. We didn’t have a house, we were married though. I fell unexpectedly pregnant even though we used protection. I think it was my reactions to the pill, had flushed it out of my system. Anyway, unfortunately at the time, I personally just wasn’t ready, even though technically my situation was more stable than yours. My husband wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy but he told me the decision was mine and said no more about it but just supported me. I was 23. I had an abortion. I do not want to sway you in anyway at all. I won’t tell you how I feel about it because I don’t want to influence you.

 

Later, at 27, I was pregnant on purpose. Then pregnant again at 29 on purpose. Then pregnant again at 30 on purpose. I don’t regret this at all and I adore our family of three children all close together to the moon and back!

 

All I am offering is, I have (kind of) been there. And I know what it is to be at both sides. I was in a long term relationship which is the major difference. Only you know how you feel about potentially bringing up your baby without a father, or the other options.

 

I just wanted to outstretch a friendly hand to say if you have any questions regarding anything, I would be happy to give impartial advice as best as I can, having been a teenager and a young woman facing some tough decisions, and being pregnant a good few times and in the throws of babies and toddlers right now! 

 

I wish you all the best ♥️ 

 

x

Edited by mylolita
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I too became pregnant in college. I was 18 and in my first year of school.  The young man responsible and I were not exactly in a relationship but we had been exclusive with one another for a couple of months. In my case I miscarried early on. I honestly can't say what we would have done if I hadn't miscarried. I can say neither of us was in any way capable of being parents at that time. And my parents, who had been divorced for a long time, were not in a position to raise a child for me, nor were the young man's. I have to presume we would have chosen termination.

Did you get a chance to talk to the young man again? Are you keeping in regular contact with your parents to discuss options and to ensure you are seeing a doctor? Regardless of what you choose to do, you need to take care of your health.

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On 4/23/2022 at 1:06 PM, PrincessPixie said:

There is one class next week that I know that we will have together, so I will try to have a talk with him there.

Princess. 

If you're obliged to talk to your baby's father after class because he isn't otherwise isn't communicating with you about a life-changing issue ...it's not going to end the way you want. He isn't mature enough for this. 

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