Unplanned pregnancy in college, and the father is uncertain

[PrincessPixie]

Hello everyone, I am in a bit of a problematic situation right now that I think I need some help with.

I am 18 years old, and about 2 months ago I approached and flirted with a gorgeous and very popular guy at my college, and we ended up sleeping with each other on several occasions for about a week.
He dumped me after that, since it turned out that he was the type of guy who slept around a lot (he always gets lots of invites from other girls), and a couple weeks later I found out that he had made me pregnant.
I have told him about this, and he seemed to react with a bit of delight, but he mostly seemed surprised and a bit uncomfortable, and he hasn't given me a clear answer of how he wants to handle this.
I am not sure what I should say to him - should I approach him again about this, or should I forget about him?

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

he was the type of guy who slept around a lot and a couple weeks later I found out that he had made me pregnant.
I have told him about this. he hasn't given me a clear answer of how he wants to handle this.

Go to a physician/clinic and get tested for STDs and advice for appropriate contraception and what types of options are available and appropriate for you.

This is solely your decision, based on your situation, finances and home life.

But keep in mind, since he is in college you won't get much if any child support. You also won't be able to date decent men who want a committed relationship. It's not his decision.

[DarkCh0c0]

Do you want to keep the baby? Add can you keep the baby?

Since he sleeps around a lot, that means you'll probably be in this situation by yourself. You'll need to have a good support group to help you to finish college. So keep that in mind.

Have you been checked by a gynecologist and learned about your options in regard to abortion and labour? What does your family think? And, was there protection during the act?

[PrincessPixie]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go to a physician/clinic and get tested for STDs and advice for appropriate contraception and what types of options are available and appropriate for you.

This is solely your decision, based on your situation, finances and home life.

But keep in mind, since he is in college you won't get much if any child support. You also won't be able to date decent men who want a committed relationship. It's not his decision.

I have tested myself, and I was fine.

He did use condoms, however we also had lots of sex, and I would guess that one of the condoms probably broke and then we didn't notice it.
 

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Do you want to keep the baby? Add can you keep the baby?

Since he sleeps around a lot, that means you'll probably be in this situation by yourself. You'll need to have a good support group to help you to finish college. So keep that in mind.

Have you been checked by a gynecologist and learned about your options in regard to abortion and labour? What does your family think? And, was there protection during the act?

I want to keep the baby, however I would also wish that he was ready for it as well.
He did seem a bit delighted when I told him that I was pregnant, and I felt that I started to like him while we met, so I wish that we could make this work together in some way, if he makes up his mind.
But I am also ready to be myself in this.

[Batya33]

I am sorry you're upset about this.  I would focus however on the practicalities  -STD and prenatal appointments, make sure you can start to establish paternity for child support purposes, etc.  I hope you're feeling ok physically.  

[PrincessPixie]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am sorry you're upset about this.  I would focus however on the practicalities  -STD and prenatal appointments, make sure you can start to establish paternity for child support purposes, etc.  I hope you're feeling ok physically.  

I feel quite fine right now, although I do also wish that he would have shown that he was willing to share this with me.
But I have also accepted that he may not be willing to do that.

I will try to talk to him one more time next week, and ask him what he wants to do.

[Batya33]

Just now, PrincessPixie said:

I feel quite fine right now, although I do also wish that he would have shown that he was willing to share this with me.
It would be wonderful if we could try to make this work as mother and father, but I have also accepted that he may not be willing to do that.

I can't understand why you are surprised -you pursued a classmate for casual sex and he agreed to have casual sex.  He might want to be a father and not right now, he might not want children -did you discuss in advance what would happen if you got pregnant? He shared your body in a sexual sense so I'm not sure why you would assume he'd want to share this with you as a couple.  Hopefully he'll want to be involved with his child beyond child support.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

I have tested myself, and I was fine.

You need to see a doctor one way or the other. You tested yourself for STDs?

[PrincessPixie]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I can't understand why you are surprised -you pursued a classmate for casual sex and he agreed to have casual sex.  He might want to be a father and not right now, he might not want children -did you discuss in advance what would happen if you got pregnant? He shared your body in a sexual sense so I'm not sure why you would assume he'd want to share this with you as a couple.  Hopefully he'll want to be involved with his child beyond child support.

We didn't really discuss it very much - we were mostly careful to use protection, and we trusted that nothing would happen.
But we also had lots of sex, so there were many occasions when he might have had an orgasm after a condom might have broken.
 

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to see a doctor one way or the other. You tested yourself for STDs?

Yes, and it didn't show anything.

[boltnrun]

I didn't know there were self tests for STDs. They aren't available in the US, what country are you in?

He may have seemed "delighted" because for some men getting a woman pregnant is proof of their "manliness" or virility. But that doesn't mean he's going to drop out of college, get a job and/or marry you or be in a relationship with you or be involved with the child.

You may have to approach his parents to obtain child support if he's financially supported by his parents.

Are your parents supportive and willing and able to help raise the child and provide financial support? Will you be able to stay in school or will you have to drop out and get a job?

[Fudgie]

Past behavior is the best predicator of future behavior. 

He dumped you and you found out that he was the sort to sleep around, so that's who he is. Why would he turn around and help you with the baby? Nothing in his past suggests that he would do just that. The fact that he acted somewhat delighted doesn't really mean anything - that's shocking news to receive and who knows what his real feelings are. 

By all means, reach out to him again but I would not assume that he would be there as a father in the future. I hope you are able to secure child support at least. 

[PrincessPixie]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't know there were self tests for STDs. They aren't available in the US, what country are you in?

Oh sorry, I meant that I got tested by a doctor.
I live in California.
 

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He may have seemed "delighted" because for some men getting a woman pregnant is proof of their "manliness" or virility. But that doesn't mean he's going to drop out of college, get a job and/or marry you or be in a relationship with you or be involved with the child.

You may have to approach his parents to obtain child support if he's financially supported by his parents.

Are your parents supportive and willing and able to help raise the child and provide financial support? Will you be able to stay in school or will you have to drop out and get a job?

My parents would be able to help me, so that is a good thing.
However, I do also feel that I would love if he wanted to try to develop something with me, so that we could try to become real partners.
But I will not hope for that too much.

  

2 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

Past behavior is the best predicator of future behavior. 

He dumped you and you found out that he was the sort to sleep around, so that's who he is. Why would he turn around and help you with the baby? Nothing in his past suggests that he would do just that. The fact that he acted somewhat delighted doesn't really mean anything - that's shocking news to receive and who knows what his real feelings are. 

By all means, reach out to him again but I would not assume that he would be there as a father in the future. I hope you are able to secure child support at least. 

I will try talking to him one more time next week, and then I will let him decide for himself what to do about it.

[Fudgie]

I agree that talking to him next week is a good idea. See where he stands. I just wouldn't get your hopes up. If he does decide to be there, you'll be pleasantly surprised. If he doesn't, oh well. Time to start those prenatal vitamins.

[boltnrun]

Just now, PrincessPixie said:

Oh sorry, I meant that I got tested by a doctor.
I live in California.
 

My parents would be able to help me, so that is a good thing.
However, I do also feel that I would love if he wanted to try to develop something with me, so that we could try to become real partners.
But I am also worried that he is too tempted by the fact that lots of pretty girls are constantly making a lot of effort to snatch him, so he will probably want to enjoy that for some time.

How did your parents react when you told them you're pregnant? I do hope they are supportive and are able and willing to help you raise the child.

I don't know that this guy is going to want to develop a relationship with you given that he moved on after only one week of intense sexual activity. I would focus more on determining if he's willing to co-parent and if he or his parents will provide financial support.

[smackie9]

So did you just do a home test kit? or did you actually go to a clinic for a pregnancy test? 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, PrincessPixie said:

We didn't really discuss it very much - we were mostly careful to use protection, and we trusted that nothing would happen.
But we also had lots of sex, so there were many occasions when he might have had an orgasm after a condom might have broken.
 

Yes, and it didn't show anything.

As you know protection can fail - so it sounds like you had sex without knowing how he would react if you got pregnant.  Your risk to take.  I never took that risk as I knew that while I was pro choice for others I'd never want to have an abortion.  So I made that clear, used protection -often double protection -pill and condom with spermicide -and only had sex with men who would be happy or at least totally fine if there was an accidental pregnancy.  Obviously a man can change his mind, too, but I lessened that risk by never having casual sex.

I'm not saying you "should" do that but you didn't and this is the downside of your choice. As I wrote, that might be surprising/upsetting but I'd focus on practicalities as much as possible to act in the best interests of your future child.

[itsallgrand]

Does what he say change your decision on whether to continue the pregnancy or not? 

You are strangers for all intents and purposes, so even if he says "oh yay, I want us to have this baby and raise it together, we will make it work!"... it's just words and nothing you can depend on. 

This is your time to really consider for yourself if continuing this is best for you, a child, your family (since they will realistically do the heavy lifting of financial support and child care). 

Once you have come to your decision clearly, you may need to approach him again. If you are going to have the baby, there will be practical information to share and details to work out. 

He doesn't have a real choice in if the baby is born or not now, that is totally on you. He may be careful in what he says, he's in a situation where he can't really do anything right now. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But I am also worried that he is too tempted by the fact that lots of pretty girls are constantly making a lot of effort to snatch him, so he will probably want to enjoy that for some time.

Yes- a person who is not in a committed relationship with you or doesn't want to be will choose to react to other women flirting with him because it's fun and enjoyable for him.  A man who wants to be committed to you may have lots of female attention but will react by choosing to be with his partner.  You won't need to be worried at all even if he gets lots of female attention.  This person is not going to suddenly decide to commit to you just because you are pregnant with his child. 

But if he commits to co-parenting that would be great for your child.  If he doesn't then make sure he is required to give you child support and encourage visitation so that your child can get to know his or her father.  The focus needs to be on the best interests of the child, not your wish that somehow he now will want to be romantically involved with you when he didn't want that before.

[Tinydance]

Well first of all congratulations on your pregnancy! I know you're quite young but I actually always knew I wanted to be a Mum, even when I was a teenager (I'm 37 now). I think that even at a young age you can still know what the right thing for you is and if you want to keep the baby, you do so.

I think what you just need to take into consideration is your financial situation and how you can support yourself and the baby. Will your family be able to help you? Is there any social security you can get as a single mother? 

I think there's no point really now to say to you, why were you having casual sex and why you weren't more careful, etc. It's too late now so I guess you need to start planning for your future.

As the others said though, unfortunately you may not really have help from this guy. He was just casually sleeping with you and then he actually dumped you. So he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. He likes to sleep with different girls so he doesn't really sound like the commitment type. I don't think you should rely on him to be your actual boyfriend or sadly even to help you with the baby physically or financially. Though you could try to file something through the court system to chase him for child support. Of course because he's a college student he might not have much money himself so in that sense he might not actually have much to give you financially anyway.

Does your college have any support services? Or can you go to some kind of family planning clinic? I think you might need to access as many help services as you can because pregnancy can be tough and physically demanding. I think the more people you have to help and support you, the better. You don't have to go through this alone.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Tinydance]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As you know protection can fail - so it sounds like you had sex without knowing how he would react if you got pregnant.  Your risk to take.  I never took that risk as I knew that while I was pro choice for others I'd never want to have an abortion.  So I made that clear, used protection -often double protection -pill and condom with spermicide -and only had sex with men who would be happy or at least totally fine if there was an accidental pregnancy.  Obviously a man can change his mind, too, but I lessened that risk by never having casual sex.

I'm not saying you "should" do that but you didn't and this is the downside of your choice. As I wrote, that might be surprising/upsetting but I'd focus on practicalities as much as possible to act in the best interests of your future child.

I understand what you're saying but I think you also have to remember, she's a teenage girl. She's 18 years old so she might be straight out of high school or only about a few months or a year out of high school. She did say she was using condoms but they actually can fail sometimes, like get stuck inside the woman or tear. This has happened even to me or my friends before. 

Just what you're saying is sort of coming across as a lecture but it's actually too late for that now. She's already pregnant so I think it's not really helpful to say "you should have done this and that". Accidental pregnancies actually happen to older people too, even people who know what they're doing. I think the main thing now that she's pregnant is to receive support for her situation.

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Does what he say change your decision on whether to continue the pregnancy or not? 

You are strangers for all intents and purposes, so even if he says "oh yay, I want us to have this baby and raise it together, we will make it work!"... it's just words and nothing you can depend on. 

This is your time to really consider for yourself if continuing this is best for you, a child, your family (since they will realistically do the heavy lifting of financial support and child care). 

Once you have come to your decision clearly, you may need to approach him again. If you are going to have the baby, there will be practical information to share and details to work out. 

He doesn't have a real choice in if the baby is born or not now, that is totally on you. He may be careful in what he says, he's in a situation where he can't really do anything right now. 

 

That's right, and also unfortunately if he doesn't want to be financially or even generally involved in the child's life, that would be his choice. He's a teenage college student who was just having fun and sleeping around so having child was probably nowhere on his radar. So if he's not ready to be a father then he might not want to be involved. Just keep in mind if you have the baby OP then you might need to do this alone. That's not to say you need to get an abortion, that's not what I mean. I just mean be prepared to bear all the responsibility.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I understand what you're saying but I think you also have to remember, she's a teenage girl. She's 18 years old so she might be straight out of high school or only about a few months or a year out of high school. She did say she was using condoms but they actually can fail sometimes, like get stuck inside the woman or tear. This has happened even to me or my friends before. 

Just what you're saying is sort of coming across as a lecture but it's actually too late for that now. She's already pregnant so I think it's not really helpful to say "you should have done this and that". Accidental pregnancies actually happen to older people too, even people who know what they're doing. I think the main thing now that she's pregnant is to receive support for her situation.

I didn't say that. I said at the present time she should not be surprised at his reaction because of her past choices. She didn't make a mistake.  She wanted to have casual sex.  She did and she had fun.  That's not a mistake.  But she has to now -now- accept the downsides.  Condoms can fail which is why you either use double protection, have the conversation I suggested or -better yet -abstain from casual sex especially if you are not into aborting a baby or giving up a baby for adoption.  I didn't mean it as a lecture.  I am well aware how old she is -and she was old enough to consent to casual sex and she's in college so she had access to clinics and health care providers if she needed more information on what sort of protection was optimal.  Just using a condom is not enough as I learned early on (I waited till age 24 to have sex but knew this as a teenager).

Accidental pregnancies can happen of course.  Other women are comfortable aborting or already know they would give up a baby for adoption so for those women accidental pregnancies would not be "as" big of a deal.  

My son is 13.  We've been learning together about sex ed for years now.  Age appropriate.  My goal is that he has the information to make an informed decision about sexual activity when it is time for him so that an accidental pregnancy is far less likely to pose a real issue in his life.  It wouldn't have in mine -certainly not to the extent the OP is experiencing. I had a couple of scares (I wasn't) and in each case my partner was totally on board with us staying together and being parents as we'd discussed it in advance.

In one case he wouldn't have been.  He told me that in advance.  I stupidly had sex with him. It was a really dumb decision.  I was lucky not to get pregnant.  (I was on the pill).  I know from dumb choices, believe me.  

He also took the risk of potentially fathering a child. Perhaps he already has and doesn't know it.  Or he does.

I would love to see her focus on the practicalities now that she's decided to continue the pregnancy.  You and I both gave her good advice on how to proceed.

[PrincessPixie]

I have told my parents that I am pregnant and how it happened, and they were a bit shocked, but also delighted and said that they would help me with it as much as they could, and that I wouldn't need to worry about that part.
I have also considered talking to the guy I dated, and telling him that he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to.

I will admit though that it would be wonderful if he did say that he was interested in being involved, since it would be beautiful if we went through this together and tried to develop a relationship together.
However, I also realise that he is probably very tempted by all the attention that he gets from other girls, and that he is exhilarated by having his pick without effort like that.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, PrincessPixie said:

I have told my parents that I am pregnant and how it happened, and they were a bit shocked, but also delighted and said that they would help me with it as much as they could, and that I wouldn't need to worry about that part.
I have also considered talking to the guy I dated, and telling him that he doesn't need to be involved if he doesn't want to.

I will admit though that it would be wonderful if he did say that he was interested in being involved, since it would be beautiful if we went through this together and tried to develop a relationship together.
However, I also realise that he is probably very tempted by all the attention that he gets from other girls, and that he is exhilarated by having his pick without effort like that.

Please don't tell him he doesn't have to be involved.  Make sure you have every financial resource available.  Don't let him off the hook -for the good of your child. I'm so happy for you that your parents can help and as you know even with all their love and support life can happen -your parents could lose their jobs, get sick, etc so just don't let this guy off the hook, ok?  A man who wants to be with you would be exhilirated by you, not by other female attention.  

[PrincessPixie]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't tell him he doesn't have to be involved.  Make sure you have every financial resource available.  Don't let him off the hook -for the good of your child. I'm so happy for you that your parents can help and as you know even with all their love and support life can happen -your parents could lose their jobs, get sick, etc so just don't let this guy off the hook, ok?  A man who wants to be with you would be exhilirated by you, not by other female attention.  

Aa okay, I will think about that.
Now when I think about it, I believe I might also still consider abortion, since I feel that I am pregnant in a tricky situation, with school studies and a hesitant father and all of that.
But I will think about it.