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Missing the spark


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Hi guys! 🙂

 

I've been dating a guy since three months. 

We met in on a holiday in hit it off quite well. After the holiday we kept in touch. 

He called me every day (after a while I started to do the same), we texted a lot and at least every two weeks we would meet up for 4/5 days. We both live in different countries next to each other, but met up at his place, my place or in another country together.

I felt a real connection with him. We had deep conversations, had the same kind of stupid humor and liked to do the same kind of activities. 
When we would call it would be for two hours every day, there was always enough to talk about.

Last holiday I felt a slight change. We were already exclusive, he asked for that, but I wondered how we both looked at the future. He said he didnt feel in love yet, but did really like me and would like to see where it would go. Also that he is not sure how long distance would be for him and if he could handle it.

I felt that the passion we had in the beginning was less. The sex was amazing and often, now he would still hug me a lot and hold my hands, but the sex was a lot less and he would only kiss me on my forehead, not my lips. When I asked him about it, he couldnt really tell why. He would rather not talk about it.

After that the contact was less. He did have a new job and had was more busy because of that. We would still call every 2 days, but text less.

Last four days I visited him. We had a lot of fun together, many activities, talking, watching series together. Again he would hug me a lot, touch my hair or kiss me on my head. But we only had sex two times and it was very short and didn't feel intimate, I also couldn't get much pleasure out of it. 

The last day we went out with a friend of his. The friend suggested that his city would be a nice place to move to. Also taking pictures of me and the guy I was dating. It felt natural and nice, but I decided to have a talk about the passion that I felt was missing later at dinner together.

He said that he couldn't explain what it was. He said he likes everything about me and doesn't understand why he really likes me, but doensn't feel "the spark". He couldn't tell what was missing, but something was missing. 

I told him that I need some security in dating and this is making me feel insecure. That I couldn't continue not knowing where I stand. He asked if he could still see me, if not in casual dating then as a friend. That he doesn't want to lose contact.

I still had to sleep there that night, we slept seperately. In the morning he had to cry a lot (so did I). He said he felt sad and also bad for me, but that it's probably for the best because he is afraid the thing is missing won't come.

He left for work and we haven't spoken since. I took the plane back to my own country.

It still feels like a whirlwind and I'm trying to get my mind back together. From having a lot of fun and talking every day, to a short conversation and ending things. 

I feel that for me it's the best to end it. I need to have some security and I felt something is up. He also mentioned that he still is not 100% over his last relationship where he got dumped (6 months ago) and that the long distance thing is bothering him. 

My feelings and thoughts are still all over the place and I felt the need to write it down. I wonder what the "spark" thing is that was missing. I did feel a great connection and similiair value together. We could laugh, talk, do things. Had the same interests and the same look on what the future should look like. He told me that if I wouldn't have talked about what is missing, that we still would have continued like this. Also that he has no interest in dating others. 

Do you have any ideas about this? It might be vague, since it still is for me. I would just like to talk about it, hopefully get some peace of mind. 

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The "spark", or some missing chemistry could be very difficult to recover from. I do know, as a man and from previous times with women that I have been able to feel passion for someone I genuinely like as a person, but without a deep attraction and feeling of chemistry, that passion has faded over time and there was just no way to manufacture it. I have to wonder if that is where his head is - very conflicted because he thinks the world of you but can't force the chemistry.

I don't think this is any reflection on you either - sometimes it is just not there and it is not necessarily explainable.  It could be from anything else going on in his life, or just that it's just missing for him, but at least in my experience, if it's not there for a man, it's almost impossible to make it appear.  The fact there was what felt like chemistry early on could possibly have been more forced for a variety of reasons, but especially because he just really likes you.

I wish I had something smarter to say, or some brighter glimmer of hope. If I were you and I really wanted him still, I would back away some, create some distance in communications, and see if he comes around because he misses you.

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Its hard to say. He seems genuine in "spark" thing. First few months of relationship, its new, exciting and almost always good. But after you start to see flaws. Maybe long distance, maybe he just doesnt "feel it". Often times one side feels that connection. While other dont. Just because you think you are a good match, doesnt mean he is.

Also, no matter what he says, I wouldnt put it past that he met somebody else. Every time I got "There is nobody else", there always was. It would explain sudden lack of intimacy. 

Anyway, go "no contact". In time you will forget and move on. If he didnt see that something in you, doesnt mean somebody else wont. So, focus on that.

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The spark/chemistry is a personal thing and it takes time to gauge it.

You know, when someone has everything you want on paper in a partner, yet you feel "meh"? Like something is missing? That's what he must feel. She's great, she's x,y,z, ect. And yet he doesn't feel the spark building nor growing. It's a very personal thing and it happens quite often. If anything, I think he was still trying for you because he probably felt the same, but the spark just wasn't there... Or he actually was not that serious about you. It's a possibility since you are living abroad and he did mention not really wanting to do ldr.

Definitely take some distance from him, and focus on moving forward to find someone willing to be committed and local. Also, it's better to start slower. Hot insta passion in the beginning is usually not an indicator of something that would last. When it's so hot, people would gloss over red flags, flaws, and focus on the oomph... And so when this oomph fades, it gets messy.

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2 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

We met in on a holiday in hit it off quite well. We both live in different countries

He said he didnt feel in love yet.he is not sure how long distance would be for him and if he could handle it.

Sorry this happened but he has valid points about the distance.

It seems like a fling for both of you.  Free yourself to find someone local and viable.

Don't stay friends or continue  the fling if you "need security" or "a future". He's not offering that.

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1 hour ago, robhsdca said:

The "spark", or some missing chemistry could be very difficult to recover from. I do know, as a man and from previous times with women that I have been able to feel passion for someone I genuinely like as a person, but without a deep attraction and feeling of chemistry, that passion has faded over time and there was just no way to manufacture it. I have to wonder if that is where his head is - very conflicted because he thinks the world of you but can't force the chemistry.

I don't think this is any reflection on you either - sometimes it is just not there and it is not necessarily explainable.  It could be from anything else going on in his life, or just that it's just missing for him, but at least in my experience, if it's not there for a man, it's almost impossible to make it appear.  The fact there was what felt like chemistry early on could possibly have been more forced for a variety of reasons, but especially because he just really likes you.

I wish I had something smarter to say, or some brighter glimmer of hope. If I were you and I really wanted him still, I would back away some, create some distance in communications, and see if he comes around because he misses you.

 

1 hour ago, robhsdca said:

The "spark", or some missing chemistry could be very difficult to recover from. I do know, as a man and from previous times with women that I have been able to feel passion for someone I genuinely like as a person, but without a deep attraction and feeling of chemistry, that passion has faded over time and there was just no way to manufacture it. I have to wonder if that is where his head is - very conflicted because he thinks the world of you but can't force the chemistry.

I don't think this is any reflection on you either - sometimes it is just not there and it is not necessarily explainable.  It could be from anything else going on in his life, or just that it's just missing for him, but at least in my experience, if it's not there for a man, it's almost impossible to make it appear.  The fact there was what felt like chemistry early on could possibly have been more forced for a variety of reasons, but especially because he just really likes you.

I wish I had something smarter to say, or some brighter glimmer of hope. If I were you and I really wanted him still, I would back away some, create some distance in communications, and see if he comes around because he misses you.

Thank you for your reply! I think you are right, as painful as it is to acknowledge it, that I do have the feeling we are right for each other but he feels another way. I think he really did try to feel it. Also when we talked about it on holiday, he said my question is putting pressure on him. It seemed a bit off foe me, since I never asked for a relationship yet. Just were we stand. 

It might be for the best. I feel with this "spark" thing missing and also the problem with the distance its not gonna work. It really stings though, also my ego. Its hard to find a nice connection and then to let it go. I really cared about him. I also didnt expect the conversation to go like that. At least I hoped I could know what was missing and maybe work on it. But as you said, most of the times it doesnt change the feeling for someone. I need to try to accept that.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its hard to say. He seems genuine in "spark" thing. First few months of relationship, its new, exciting and almost always good. But after you start to see flaws. Maybe long distance, maybe he just doesnt "feel it". Often times one side feels that connection. While other dont. Just because you think you are a good match, doesnt mean he is.

Also, no matter what he says, I wouldnt put it past that he met somebody else. Every time I got "There is nobody else", there always was. It would explain sudden lack of intimacy. 

Anyway, go "no contact". In time you will forget and move on. If he didnt see that something in you, doesnt mean somebody else wont. So, focus on that.

Thank you for your reply! Maybe yes! I tried to not put too much pressure on him, but could feel that he needed space in this, for whatever reason. What I was missing from this thing we had, was good communication. He would or could not communicate about how he felt. Also when I tried to talk about it, his first response is "Can we not talk about it?" 

 

It can be hard to acknowledge someone just isnt that into you, as you are into them. Especially when it felt right.  But it is how it is, I will not be in contact and take time for myself. Unfortunately its so painful too. I do miss him and our connection.

 

I dont think he had anyone else. He wanted to be exclusive and every day we called about our day. It didnt feel like he had a second agenda. He doesnt seem like that kind of guy.

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The spark/chemistry is a personal thing and it takes time to gauge it.

You know, when someone has everything you want on paper in a partner, yet you feel "meh"? Like something is missing? That's what he must feel. She's great, she's x,y,z, ect. And yet he doesn't feel the spark building nor growing. It's a very personal thing and it happens quite often. If anything, I think he was still trying for you because he probably felt the same, but the spark just wasn't there... Or he actually was not that serious about you. It's a possibility since you are living abroad and he did mention not really wanting to do ldr.

Definitely take some distance from him, and focus on moving forward to find someone willing to be committed and local. Also, it's better to start slower. Hot insta passion in the beginning is usually not an indicator of something that would last. When it's so hot, people would gloss over red flags, flaws, and focus on the oomph... And so when this oomph fades, it gets messy.

Thank you for replying! I do think he was serious since he asked about how my view is on the future, children, where to live. He already was thinking about making a big trip together later this year. Also he asked to be exclusive.

I think the long distance and of course a lack of spark made him realize its not gonna happen. He doesnt like to be that much alone. 

I do wonder if it could have anything to do with his anxiety. After his breakup he started to always feel stressed. He said since he didnt expected to be dumped and saw a future with her, it hit him really hard. Could be that he was comparing me and the ex, and how he felt about her. But of course I can be totally wrong. 

 

I wish I could really get it, but in this case I probably cant and need to accept what is.

 

Also, I do agree on taking things slow! I thought this would be a holiday love and was fine with that. He really tried to keep seeing me and make something more out of it. But in general it would be better to start slow.

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45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened but he has valid points about the distance.

It seems like a fling for both of you.  Free yourself to find someone local and viable.

Don't stay friends or continue  the fling if you "need security" or "a future". He's not offering that.

Thank you! I agree, I dont think he will give me the security. And I think we both now understand its not gonna work. 

For me it wasnt a fling.  I felt serious about him. I dont mind long distance (not too long, it should be possible to meet up every month at least), since I can be alone and love to travel and live somewhere else at some point. But it should be secure and also ok for the other person. 

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It is a disappointment but sounds like it was fun while it lasted. 

I wouldn't maintain any context with him.  It will make it harder for you. 

if you can get one guy, you can get another.  Don't fool yourself into thinking this is the last guy on earth. 

Move on with your head held high.  Save your time, love, and effort for that spark! it's worth it!

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21 hours ago, Lambert said:

It is a disappointment but sounds like it was fun while it lasted. 

I wouldn't maintain any context with him.  It will make it harder for you. 

if you can get one guy, you can get another.  Don't fool yourself into thinking this is the last guy on earth. 

Move on with your head held high.  Save your time, love, and effort for that spark! it's worth it!

True, and thank you! It really was fun indeed:). Somehow I wish I knew what was missing exactly. I had the feeling he tried so hard to feel something, that it was almost as a pressure on him. Maybe it wasnt there,  maybe he als9 pressured himself too much to already call it love. Love can be so complicated. But yes, next!

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2 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

 I wish I knew what was missing exactly. I had the feeling he tried so hard to feel something, that it was almost as a pressure on him.

He seemed quite clear that it was not about "spark" but the unrealistic distance.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He seemed quite clear that it was not about "spark" but the unrealistic distance.

Long distance can work out if two people are willing to make the effort to make it work. I already told him I was open to move, since I always wanted to live somewhere else. It can affect his decision but I dont think its only about the distance.

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It can really hard understand the why of someone else. 

Think back on your own life and when you've choseb to end things.  It usually not one thing.  it's like you put the equation together from YOUR perspective with your needs & wants balanced with what you're willing to do and give. Then decide to continue or not. 

I know I've not continue relationships that were generally good,  but for whatever reason it was not what I pictured my future to be. That doesn't mean anything about the other person. it came from me.

Now is the time to remind yourself, you wouldn't be happy with him in long run anyway. You do have better options.

 

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Unfortuantely, sometimes there's just no explaining these things logically. 

We might feel some chemistry with someone but not enough to see it through to a full-blown relationship. This happened with me and a man I dated once. He was nice and we had fun, but I didn't feel a strong enough pull towards him to want to exclude others. There was nobody in mind in particular but I knew my feelings weren't quite "there" and it wouldn't have been fair to continue. 

It is best not to over-think this one, OP. I don't think there was anything concrete that would have turned this around. It's the nature of romantic attraction. 

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I'm sorry to hear it ended like this. If he had told you why he didn't feel enough of an attraction would have have made you feel any better to hear? I think it would have hurt you. When I've not been able to reciprocate affection I've known the reasons why and didn't share it if it wasn't warranted. I was seeing someone last year and immediately knew early on we wouldn't get along. He was a flirt and a people pleaser, immediate turn off. I never told him that because it wasn't necessary.

You both shared some intimacy and I think he would have known exactly why it didn't work in the same way for him as it did for you. If he wasn't able to, perhaps he just wasn't over his ex or didn't have enough clarity in his life to have a new person in it. 

I don't think it's a good idea to keep in contact with him either. You'll find someone local hopefully whom you can build a real future with.

 

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Love is complicated when two people don't have mutual feelings towards each other and the one who feels more complicates it by trying harder/trying to be more lovable, etc.  Otherwise I don't agree with you that love is particularly complicated. I'm glad you're moving on!

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Over my lifetime, I've found you can find someone you have chemistry with in no matter what locale you're in. It happened to me, but I never attempted to make something permanent from these temporary crushes. Because long distance usually only works if there's already a solid foundation, whereas a person joins the military, or has to go away for college or work, and there's a date in place where the couple will close that distance.

The trouble with your situation is that it's not the normal pace of dating, and 4 or 5 days together 24/7 at this early stage is way too much. And I don't know if he made any of the effort going your way or not. If not, make sure in the future, even in local dating, that you're letting the guy put in equal effort to gauge his true interest, or lack of.

Someone visiting for half a week, who you barely know, can begin to feel smothering. Perhaps it could have affected his feelings, or perhaps it was irrelevant, but it doesn't matter know. Yes, in your shoes, I'd never continue to communicate with someone who said he lacked a spark. He knew that telling you this could have a severe, negative impact for a point of no return, and was okay with that. Hold out for someone who is crazy about you. Take care.

 

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