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I really like her and not sure what to do


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I really like  a girl at work, and we are good friends and we have a lot in common. She is in a LDR, we meet up once a week to twice a week and have a great time making food, going on walks, listening to music. 

I met up with her the other night and we were laying on her bed for hours chatting, having really deep conversations. She started opening up to me about her girlfriend (she hardly ever mentions her), and she told me they haven’t been speaking much , and then proceeded to tell me that’s her girlfriend makes her feel clingy, insignificant, she hardly messages her/calls her, she doesn’t listen to what she’s saying, doesn’t take interest in her life, and they hardly have sex. She basically told me that their personalities are completely different and she never knows where she stands with her, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted. She also said she can’t talk about deep things, future plans and she feels awkward making that conversation, whereas with me she feels comfortable and we can talk for hours and hours. They also only see each other once a month if that. 

During our conversation when we were laying on her bed, at times we’d just stare at each other when the conversation died down and it felt like we were going to kiss. I felt awkward about this despite having a massive crush on her, and I know for a fact it wasn’t in my head. It happened quite a few times too.

Anyway, I advised her to talk to her girlfriend about how she’s feeling, and they did. she told me that they’ve had a good conversation and her girlfriend has been struggling with her mental health and has isolated herself from everyone and that’s why they haven’t been as close (which doesn’t make sense because she told me she’s always been distant etc). She said she’s glad they’ve had that conversation and her girlfriend will try and put more effort in and talk more, and she seems happy. 

i don’t know how to feel because I really like this girl. I felt like the other day the information she was saying about her girlfriend was very negative and almost as if their personalities don’t match and they’re not good together and they can’t change it. I replied and told her I’m happy they’ve talked it out and I’m always here for her to chat. I didn’t want to necessarily sway the conversation in any way, I wanted to stay neutral even if I selfishly wished they’d break up. I feel as if deep down she can do better than that and I listen to her and care way more than her girlfriend does (and she even told me that the other day). She apologied for dumping all her relationship problems onto me and said it wasn’t fair to me and it puts me in a weird position (Which I don’t know why she said that because if we are only friends, why would her relationship issues put me in a weird position?)

i don’t really know what to do now. I guess I will carry on being her friend and being there for her. Part of me wishes I could just tell her how I feel, that I wish she knew i would make her a priority, love and care about her more than her girlfriend does, but maybe in time she will see that? I also don’t want to put her in an awkward situation and ruin our friendship. Btw, she does know I’m gay also.

Edited by Hineysou
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I commend you for doing the right thing and advising her to work out her current relationship rather than trying to take advantage. That was the right thing to do even though it was probably difficult.

I don't recommend hanging around hoping that her relationship fails, however. It wouldn't be appropriate to pretend to be "just friends" when you really want more. It's also hurtful to you to have to listen to her talk about her girlfriend.

I suggest you make an effort to meet others. There must be clubs, events and places you can join or go to where you can meet like-minded young women.

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i think that she does feel something towards you but doesn't want to ruin the friendship. she might be to scared to break up with her girlfriend for you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. maybe try having a conversation on your feelings and make sure you know what your feeling. she may like you but be in denial because she has a girlfriend and she might think it's wrong. i think if u confess your feeling she could confess hers.

(also thank you for putting so much detail i felt like i understood everything and i could imagine it in my head)

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25 minutes ago, Hineysou said:

She started opening up to me about her girlfriend and she told me they haven’t been speaking much , and then proceeded to tell me that’s her girlfriend makes her feel clingy, insignificant, she hardly messages her/calls her, she doesn’t listen to what she’s saying, doesn’t take interest in her life, and they hardly have sex.

You're crossing too many boundaries. She's in a relationship, even if she complains about it. Step way back from anyone who tries to cheat on their partner.

Edited by Wiseman2
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14 minutes ago, Mya_Silva8 said:

i think that she does feel something towards you but doesn't want to ruin the friendship. she might be to scared to break up with her girlfriend for you because she doesn't know how you feel about her. maybe try having a conversation on your feelings and make sure you know what your feeling. she may like you but be in denial because she has a girlfriend and she might think it's wrong. i think if u confess your feeling she could confess hers.

(also thank you for putting so much detail i felt like i understood everything and i could imagine it in my head)

Yeah, I feel as if she’s having slight doubts about her relationship but obviously it’s not enough to do something about it. She clearly does care a lot for her girlfriend and I wouldn’t want to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable or that our friendship was all a lie. I do feel like confessing would help me by getting everything out in the open, but selfish on my part because it’d make things awkward. 
 

If I was to tell her the truth, I’d want to say it very casually but im not sure what would be best to say, or if I should at all.

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21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I commend you for doing the right thing and advising her to work out her current relationship rather than trying to take advantage. That was the right thing to do even though it was probably difficult.

I don't recommend hanging around hoping that her relationship fails, however. It wouldn't be appropriate to pretend to be "just friends" when you really want more. It's also hurtful to you to have to listen to her talk about her girlfriend.

I suggest you make an effort to meet others. There must be clubs, events and places you can join or go to where you can meet like-minded young women.

It was very difficult, but I made sure to put myself in her situation and also her girlfriends and I did what was best. I do care about her a lot, and I really appreciate our friendship. Do you think I should tell her about my feelings and explain that I can’t be friends with her because of it? Just so she knows, and so I can move on with my life?

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in my opinion confessing is the best option it lets her know your feeling and it doesn't have to make things awkward.

i think the best thing to say in this situation is " i understand you have a gf but i have feelings for you i don't wanna force you into anything but i also don't want to pretend like i wanna be JUST FRIENDS'' i feel like if you let her know she will come to a decision she's talking to you about her relationship problems which could be a hint to let you know that things aren't going well and that she could use you by her side.

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If you tell her your feelings you run the risk of her monkeybranching onto you when the going gets rough with her current partner. You become the rebound.

While she still has feelings for her girlfriend, she may be tempted to be with you. What you have is someone stuck between two people and it’s not the best way to start out a relationship.

It’s fast gratification because you get things off your chest and poor or low chances of any successful relationship. 

Good luck whatever you choose. In my opinion I would take a step back, gain clarity and cool off. Then date single unconfused women with no issues.

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I might try pulling away and focusing on other available choices.

If she notices and asks what's up, say you were/are developing feelings for her and think the right thing to do is bow out while she figures things out with her girl and you find a relationship of your own. 

I tend to think people know what they're doing.  she probably knows feelings are developing. But she has a girlfriend.  The space will help her, too. Only she can decide what to do with that, but you decide for YOU.

In the long run, for things to work out, she needs to be on her own and not using you to monkey branch out of a bad relationship.

Remember who you are and what you deserve. 

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