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I really need some advice


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Hello all, I really need some advice.. me and my girlfriend of 2 years are kinda in a rough patch, more her than me lately.. So please don’t judge me, but my ex before her cheated on me for 6 months while I was always working to pay our bills.. long days and nights, and 2 weeks before we split she slept with me and we didn’t do that a lot towards the end and I kinda new something was up, but she all of a sudden acted like nothing happened and then 1 week after we split up I went to the doc and got diagnosed with genital herpes.. now me and my girl now are together and currently live together, she has treated me like a king and I told her I had herpes from the beginning… almost 2 years later and now she has it.. I tried to keep her safe and we always tried to be cautious.. now she has shut down and shut me out and throwing herself into a depression.. she battles depression already.. now she barely talks to me, she wants to be alone and won’t kiss me or hold my hand or even wants me around hardly.. she is finally coming back around and taking to me and finally telling me she loves again but still doesn’t want me touching her  or kissing her or won’t hold my hand cause she feels disgusting and embarrassed with herself.. and I understand how she feels cause I went through it and know all the thoughts in her head.. I’m trying to be here for her and give her her space but honestly I don’t know what else to do for her.. 

Edited by Jturner96
Misspelled some things
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I’ve tried asking her, I tried talking to her, she says she just has all these thoughts going through her mind, and all these what ifs, and I’ve tried doing things to cheer her up, she will cheer up for a moment but gets right back silent.. and I understand, I just want to help her and I want her to know I’m here for her, and she does, I just don’t want to lose her, and I’ve delt with depression myself but never like hers 

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I’m not rushing her, I’ve given her her space and I try to do anything she asks, I’m just worried about her, she was talking suicidal thoughts but she says she will never act on them because of her kids.. I just feel bad cause I feel it’s my fault and I feel like she is disgusted with me, and I feel guilty.. she just wants to be alone she says and be by herself in her thoughts 

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Trying to "cheer up" a depressed person is just about the worst thing you can do, second only to telling them they're not really depressed. It makes it seem like you're not taking her depression seriously. I would stop doing that.

As you know, she's probably thinking no one will ever want her now that she's "diseased". Especially since that particular virus is incurable.

One of my best friends has herpes. She struggled with thinking no else would ever want her so she stayed with the guy who gave it to her despite knowing she got it from him because he was sleeping around. She had a really hard time for a while, but she eventually left that guy, met someone new and got married and had a family.

I would just reassure her that you love her and don't view her any differently. Since I presume you've already told her you feel bad about passing the virus along to her, just give her time to process. She has to come to terms with knowing she'll have this virus forever and she may be dealing with outbreaks for a while until it's more under control. But that doesn't change how you feel about her especially since you truly do understand what she's going through.

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I mean I understand what she is going through 100% and I know it makes it worse, I just try to get her smiling again because I miss her beautiful smile and her being happy.. and I do, I hate myself for giving it to her.. we both knew the risk.. she does have to process it and I am trying to tell her it will be okay and I’m not going anywhere.. I miss her, she feels so far away even though she is sitting beside me.. I miss her smile, her kiss, he touch and her warm embrace.. I love her so much and it makes me feel she hates me and is disgusted with me.. makes me feel she doesn’t love me anymore.. I honestly hate myself for having it especially now, she saved me when I first found her and she will never know what she has meant to me/ means to me, I tell her and try to show her but she honestly will never know that all I think about is her, from the minute my eyes pop open till I close them.. I’m hurt from all this too and I just miss my best friend you know 

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Just now, Jturner96 said:

I just try to get her smiling again because I miss her beautiful smile and her being happy..

So you want her to be happy for you, not for her.

You're focusing on yourself and what you're missing out on instead of being sensitive to what she's going through. And you of all people should understand.

Instead of making it all about you, how about just being supportive however she needs you to be?

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I don't think there is much else you can do, OP. 

If she is having suicidal thoughts, she needs professional help. It doesn't matter that she says she won't act on it- the very fact that she is in that dark a mindset warrants professional intervention. You can guide her in that direction. 

But you can't make her do it, just as you can't cheer her up. She has to want to seek some help on her own.

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6 hours ago, Jturner96 said:

  she was talking suicidal thoughts but she says she will never act on them because of her kids

Sorry this is happening. As you know, HSV is quite common. Does she believe you cheated on her?

How old is she? How old are her children? Do they live with you? How is her co-parenting relationship? 

Are you both working? What household problems are affecting you?

There's a lot more problems here than HSV and sex. 

The more important issue is untreated depression. Both of yours..

The first step is going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and asking for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You can't make your GF do the same, however suicidal ideation is a medical emergency and requires prompt attention.

 

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She is in an ambivalent state just like I am. She doesn't want to leave but staying is difficult too. She blames you for giving her herpes, although she new it from the start, so I see her dilema. Not sure what advice to give other than continue to support her and maybe see if some therapy would work...

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10 hours ago, Jturner96 said:

I mean I understand what she is going through 100% and I know it makes it worse, I just try to get her smiling again because I miss her beautiful smile and her being happy.. and I do, I hate myself for giving it to her.. we both knew the risk.. she does have to process it and I am trying to tell her it will be okay and I’m not going anywhere.. I miss her, she feels so far away even though she is sitting beside me.. I miss her smile, her kiss, he touch and her warm embrace.. I love her so much and it makes me feel she hates me and is disgusted with me.. makes me feel she doesn’t love me anymore.. I honestly hate myself for having it especially now, she saved me when I first found her and she will never know what she has meant to me/ means to me, I tell her and try to show her but she honestly will never know that all I think about is her, from the minute my eyes pop open till I close them.. I’m hurt from all this too and I just miss my best friend you know 

Try doing other things with your time and keep a balanced lifestyle. Go out even though you don't want to go out and make an effort to get out of these thoughts in your head. It's not going to change anything about her depression or the time it takes for her to process her diagnosis or having herpes. Stop with the guilt and feeling sorry about yourself also because you know that someone cheated on you and gave you herpes from a previous relationship. 

If this is overwhelming seeking private counselling for yourself might be a better idea instead of adding your emotions to hers. We can't rush others into feeling good and making them smile. You may have a false idea of romance or are in a honeymoon period still in the first two years thinking that everything is sunshine and roses. I think both of you might have also known that this was an inevitability and a high likelihood that the virus would pass on to her although there are cases of couples where one has it and the other manages not to contract it. 

Either way give her space and try to sort out your own issues or misgivings having the virus. It's ok to seek help and support from qualified professionals. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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It’s not really so much for me, I could care less about myself, I just miss seeing her happy and seeing her smile is all, I understand what she feels, I know she blames me.. I gave up my life for her, she turned my life around and saved me and I could never be more thankful.. I just want to return the favor.. she is not a big medicine person.. when she gets stressed she has seizures and won’t take her medicine, she is stubborn lol.. I know she blames me, she shut me out, won’t even hardly talk to me or be around me so I get it you know.. her kids are 3 and 5, they co parent great.. I claim these kids as my own.. she tells me if she wanted me gone I would already be gone.. I mean my feelings are hurt yeah cause she is my best friend, but I also blame myself.. it is my fault and I know.. she doesn’t think I cheated, I would never even dream of it.. she knows what my ex done.. I’ve never lied to her or given her any reason to not trust me.. I just don’t like seeing her like this you know.. and it’s never been about sex, I could honestly care less about sex, it’s a bonus but I get lost in her soul and the connection we have/had.. I get lost in her beauty and not just her looks, I mean her personality, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her soul, her dreams, her happiness, even her flaws.. to me she is perfect I always put her before myself and she gets upset when I do so but I just want to be here for her like she was me but it’s just hard for me to help when I don’t know what to do you know

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It is all about you when you're starting off your sentences like this "I couldn't care less", "I just miss", "I gave up my life for her", "I just want". Try rereading your thoughts there as they are all about you and what you want right now instead of just letting her be. 

Having said that, if someone needs to take medications and they aren't taking them to the detriment of their health that is a massive red flag. Please open your eyes as you don't want to  be caught up taking care of someone or watching them because they can't take their meds on their own.

You seem to be taking on a caregiver role also because you believe she saved you in some way. This is dysfunctional and way too unhealthy for me to be comfortable in if I think of myself in your position. I think a lot of this stems from the way you view yourself as broken or damaged after the diagnosis, unwhole or incomplete as if someone took your health from you and this is all valid. No one can begin to imagine the healing process mentally or emotionally after something like this and even if someone has herpes their journey is different from yours, in acceptance and self-love again. Once again, I ask why not try private counselling to get to the bottom of these feelings of not being good enough or damaged.

You need to help yourself instead of perceiving yourself as someone who needs to be saved because you keep seeking validation from her in the same way. She's not equipped to help you right now so save yourself.

 

 

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30 minutes ago, Jturner96 said:

she is not a big medicine person.. when she gets stressed she has seizures and won’t take her medicine, she is stubborn lol.

How is she taking care of her children is she refuses to take medication? 

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I guess I should have been more clear, she doesn’t take her seizure meds cause they make her feel weird and she currently on her 3 rd different med to find the right one.. and I was in a dark place in life and ex addict, she saved me from the dark place in my life.. she helped me get clean and accepted me for me and I do take care of her when she gets in these state of minds but I can’t force her to do something, I do make her take meds, she doesn’t like anti depressants and the doctor can’t get her in until later in may, about her depression she has a councilor but we don’t like her councilor, and that’s the nearest date from 3 docs around 

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No she's typically avoiding helping herself. So that being said, it is what it is...she will always be this way no matter what you do or say. Now the decision is up to you to do what is best for YOU. 

And how will she be able to help others when she can't even help herself. 

Edited by smackie9
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