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Huh? Why don't I like him anymore??


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Why does this happen? LOL. I've gone from being super into somebody to feeling completely repulsed to them out of nowhere. Don't ask me why coz I haven't the foggiest 💁‍♀️

Actually it's pretty upsetting to go from one extreme to another where you see a future with them and then you have to reject them somewhat abruptly.

Our first date was pretty middle of the road, but our second date was fantastic, I left feeling completely overcome with excitement and we had so much fun together. We waited a week for the third date? Perhaps it was just too soon for him to visit my house. In any case pretty much as soon as we started our hangout, something changed in my mentality, my perception of him became increasingly more negative throughout the evening even while nothing stood out as a turn off. 

I'm seeing a pattern because this has happened a few times with several different guys and I cant understand why my attraction switches on and off so much.

Edited by willowthebestpillow
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I think it can happen both ways -like friendship caught on fire when long time friends all of a sudden feel a spark that grows and where you're totally into someone the first few dates and then it switches off. I used to give it 4 dates. If by date 4 I didn't enjoy kissing him OR have the desire to kiss him, bye bye.  That way little risk of leading on. 

I was never surprised at the "switch" because as you get to know someone things like the person's insecurity, or issues (like the guy who told me on the second or third date how some guy on a bus had made a snarky comment and he retaliated by yelling back and hitting him -he was proud of it -I was repulsed) -

I once invited a  guy I was dating to my home -3rd date maybe (no, not for sex and yes it was safe) and he helped himself to cereal (my cereal boxes were on the counter).  Red flag -I mean isn't that weird??  Had I seen any inkling of this sort of manners issue -no of course not. I did still keep dating him but I made a note of it. 

Or my sister who dated a guy for 7 years and the first time he came to our home he started picking up lint off our floor.  It's why you get to know someone over time and in different situations -not necessarily your home -but - does he walk beside you if you're walking together? How does he treat wait staff, customer service type people, does he know how to behave in a museum, your friend's house, while waiting in line when he really needs caffeine? Attraction in the beginning can be fragile -just watch a few old Seinfeld episodes.  Not necessarily about you. 

Also you might create fantasy images of the person and that comes crashing down with reality.

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10 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

Why does this happen? LOL. I've gone from being super into somebody to feeling completely repulsed to them out of nowhere. Don't ask me why coz I haven't the foggiest 💁‍♀️

Actually it's pretty upsetting to go from one extreme to another where you see a future with them and then you have to reject them somewhat abruptly.

Our first date was pretty middle of the road, but our second date was fantastic, I left feeling completely overcome with excitement and we had so much fun together. We waited a week for the third date? Perhaps it was just too soon for him to visit my house. In any case pretty much as soon as we started our hangout, something changed in my mentality, my perception of him became increasingly more negative throughout the evening even while nothing stood out as a turn off. 

I'm seeing a pattern because this has happened a few times with several different guys and I cant understand why my attraction switches on and off so much.

You probably know the reasons why but don’t want to voice them or won’t admit it to yourself. It’s better being honest not being a match rather than going along with it.

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I read one of your previous posts and you mention similar struggles, being 19 and having social anxiety.

You doing a 180 might have something to do with the lack of experience and the issues you mentioned previously.

I did similar things when I was younger.  I would have a mad crush on a boy and by the time we actually kissed, it flipped a switch and I didn't like him anymore.  It was super confusing.

There was some safety crushing on a boy from a distance and it got real when it got too close.  I was basically a late bloomer, complicated with my upbringing which in turn made me pretty avoidant.  I didn't have the experience or maturity to deal with those feelings and everything that comes with being in a romantic relationship.

What to do?  Be patient. Continue to date and expose yourself to casual dating.  Be realistic about your expectations.  (You mentioned overcome with excitement) and know it won't be this way for ever.  Your social anxiety may very well complicate things.  Look into addressing that.

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11 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

I've gone from being super into somebody to feeling completely repulsed to them out of nowhere. Don't ask me why coz I haven't the foggiest 💁‍♀️

11 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

I'm seeing a pattern because this has happened a few times with several different guys and I cant understand why my attraction switches on and off so much.

That used to happen to me all the time, especially when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I don't really know why.

First I'd really like them, then the next thing you know I couldn't get away fast enough. Everything they did, or said, or even looked like was wrong and annoying.

Sometimes I'd run screaming, other times I'd power through and stick around.

When I stuck around, my feelings would often swing back around to liking them again. Not always, though. 

I learned to expect it of myself. Like, Here we go again. I'm gonna hate him, but it may not mean anything. 

I think it finally stopped in my late 20s.

Edited by Jibralta
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4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

There was some safety crushing on a boy from a distance and it got real when it got too close.  I was basically a late bloomer, complicated with my upbringing which in turn made me pretty avoidant.  I didn't have the experience or maturity to deal with those feelings and everything that comes with being in a romantic relationship.

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I read one of your previous posts and you mention similar struggles, being 19 and having social anxiety.

You doing a 180 might have something to do with the lack of experience and the issues you mentioned previously.

I did similar things when I was younger.  I would have a mad crush on a boy and by the time we actually kissed, it flipped a switch and I didn't like him anymore.  It was super confusing.

There was some safety crushing on a boy from a distance and it got real when it got too close.  I was basically a late bloomer, complicated with my upbringing which in turn made me pretty avoidant.  I didn't have the experience or maturity to deal with those feelings and everything that comes with being in a romantic relationship.

What to do?  Be patient. Continue to date and expose yourself to casual dating.  Be realistic about your expectations.  (You mentioned overcome with excitement) and know it won't be this way for ever.  Your social anxiety may very well complicate things.  Look into addressing that.

 

Yep. sounds like me. right down to the part about being "avoidant late bloomer". 👌

I think I should come to expect the difficulty and confusion because some family dynamics are not conducive with healthy baseline/attachment styles, it will take a lot more effort to grow out of any emotional immaturity 👍

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it can happen both ways -like friendship caught on fire when long time friends all of a sudden feel a spark that grows and where you're totally into someone the first few dates and then it switches off. I used to give it 4 dates. If by date 4 I didn't enjoy kissing him OR have the desire to kiss him, bye bye.  That way little risk of leading on. 

I was never surprised at the "switch" because as you get to know someone things like the person's insecurity, or issues (like the guy who told me on the second or third date how some guy on a bus had made a snarky comment and he retaliated by yelling back and hitting him -he was proud of it -I was repulsed) -

I once invited a  guy I was dating to my home -3rd date maybe (no, not for sex and yes it was safe) and he helped himself to cereal (my cereal boxes were on the counter).  Red flag -I mean isn't that weird??  Had I seen any inkling of this sort of manners issue -no of course not. I did still keep dating him but I made a note of it. 

Or my sister who dated a guy for 7 years and the first time he came to our home he started picking up lint off our floor.  It's why you get to know someone over time and in different situations -not necessarily your home -but - does he walk beside you if you're walking together? How does he treat wait staff, customer service type people, does he know how to behave in a museum, your friend's house, while waiting in line when he really needs caffeine? Attraction in the beginning can be fragile -just watch a few old Seinfeld episodes.  Not necessarily about you. 

Also you might create fantasy images of the person and that comes crashing down with reality.

Batya 🙂 your screenname puts a smile on my face since it's so cute. Its nice since failed dates need not imply fault on anyone per se; maybe a few other people have similar issues at early ages like me. 

It's so fragile and there is an element of "***" to the early phases in dating that I'm not enjoying a lot. He texted me for a post-date conversation and I let him know I don't really see it working - no reply ! I guess I'm not the only person to feel bad about it but I don't take comfort in knowing that he may be hurt.

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15 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

 I let him know I don't really see it working - no reply !

There's nothing wrong or unusual about that. In fact it's better to be decisive and honest.

Try not to make things more complicated than they are. 

You don't need all sorts  of family dynamics and memes about attachment styles to know you're not attracted after a date.

You did the right thing. Went on a date to see what's what, then were sincere with him, so you both move on.

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