Appropriate age difference

[SherrySher]

On 4/16/2022 at 5:05 PM, jazz_lover said:

I have a female friend in her 40s and she always gives me a hard time. She says that younger women want a fun cool guy and I am too boring and serious for them and should go for someone more mature. She also says I am middle aged and should be more realistic.

This is not a friend.

A friend does not put you down. In those sentences alone, she put you down in nearly every way possible!

Why on earth would you even speak to this person, never mind ask her for her opinion, on anything?

She sounds incredibly insecure and wants to drag you down with her.

First and foremost, get away from her. She will continue to destroy your self confidence and self esteem if she is already this comfortable making these snide remarks to your face.

 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

This is not a friend.

A friend does not put you down. In those sentences alone, she put you down in nearly every way possible!

Why on earth would you even speak to this person, never mind ask her for her opinion, on anything?

She sounds incredibly insecure and wants to drag you down with her.

First and foremost, get away from her. She will continue to destroy your self confidence and self esteem if she is already this comfortable making these snide remarks to your face.

 

Sounds very jealous, I agree with SherrySher and others regarding your friend. She may even like you romantically.
 

Bitter comes to mind. Maybe I’m wrong but, that’s the impression I get too.

 

x

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

This is always an interesting subject for me!

 

I always say, a meeting of minds is a meeting of minds, and that is ageless.

 

But there are practical things to take note of and it does get in the way of whirlwind romance. I have often thought, our age gap of 9 years is probably just about right for us. We have 3 kids under 4 and, if my husband was 45 and another 5 years older, he might be too tired to help with all the babies! And, morbidly, he might not see them get too old. We were laying on the bed and saying something about our middle daughter and I said, “Imagine …. being 30!” And my husband looked a little melancholy and said, “I don’t really like to think about that.” I agreed, I don’t either, but I asked why, and he said, “Hopefully I’ll still be around, but what if I’m not.”

 

Sometimes it also does cross my mind (it never did during my teens and twenties) that, statistically, he will probably die before me. I might be left a decade or even twenty years by myself. Who knows. These things do run through your mind. I would rather go before him ten times over than have to live without him. I might get ran over tomorrow and he lives to be 95! But, when you have an age gap, these thoughts do cross your mind.

 

I think ours is just enough to not be too much of a concern to me. I stand by what I said. If he had been 35 when I was 18, without hesitation I would be in the same place right now; married too him. But, I am glad the gap, for practical reasons, is 9 years, and not 19! Or something like that.

 

When our middle daughter is 30, I will be 62, but my husband will be 71.

 

x

To me the "too tired" when you're older re parenting is a myth mostly.  I had more energy in my 40s than my 30s because I improved my diet, quit all diet soda (yes it makes a difference), and traded the stress of my career for the stress of parenting -but because that stress included this "I won the lottery/boundless love" mindset I had more emotional energy you could say.  Yes, at 55 with a 13 year old we have more aches and pains for sure -but not less energy at all than in our 20s and 30s.  Also, having the financial independence and feelings of professional accomplishments pre-kids also helps "feeling younger"  - no stress from the more typical financial worries and women who leave the workforce in their 20s to be home full time worrying about reentry/ whether they met their professional goals (those who had them)

A 30 something woman recently posted on one of my moms groups that a healthy marriage is an equitable one and one where each person can "reach her fullest potential" -but because I was an older mom I felt I already reached almost all of my professional potential -and financial too - so I didn't need to negotiate with my husband time for myself to "reach my fullest potential" -I had already and I was by being with my son and being the primary caregiver at home for 7 years.

To me this shows that the age difference or age can cut both ways if the OP is considering marriage/family - even if no family -if he marries a woman in her 40s the benefit might be as I wrote above that she's done or mostly done trying to prove herself in her career, done with her studies, etc - with exceptions of course. 

 

[mylolita]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me the "too tired" when you're older re parenting is a myth mostly.  I had more energy in my 40s than my 30s because I improved my diet, quit all diet soda (yes it makes a difference), and traded the stress of my career for the stress of parenting -but because that stress included this "I won the lottery/boundless love" mindset I had more emotional energy you could say.  Yes, at 55 with a 13 year old we have more aches and pains for sure -but not less energy at all than in our 20s and 30s.  Also, having the financial independence and feelings of professional accomplishments pre-kids also helps "feeling younger"  - no stress from the more typical financial worries and women who leave the workforce in their 20s to be home full time worrying about reentry/ whether they met their professional goals (those who had them)

A 30 something woman recently posted on one of my moms groups that a healthy marriage is an equitable one and one where each person can "reach her fullest potential" -but because I was an older mom I felt I already reached almost all of my professional potential -and financial too - so I didn't need to negotiate with my husband time for myself to "reach my fullest potential" -I had already and I was by being with my son and being the primary caregiver at home for 7 years.

To me this shows that the age difference or age can cut both ways if the OP is considering marriage/family - even if no family -if he marries a woman in her 40s the benefit might be as I wrote above that she's done or mostly done trying to prove herself in her career, done with her studies, etc - with exceptions of course. 

 

Hey Batya!

 

I get that, but for most normal people, generally, they do get more tired as each decade passes, and more likely to have health complaints. 
 

My husband was always very fit, he was a boxer! But even him at 41 is different to him at 27. Myself included. I have remained quite high energy but some days, oh man. Try a baby up all night and then a 4 year old and a 2 year old! It’s a bit mad sometimes! Especially without a break.

 

The ironic thing is, we were very financially stable when I was even 25. Had a large house, we needed to do it up but apart from that; you could argue we were more financially stable then than now! I wasn’t working then either. I could have started having my babies at 25, not working, with a 6 bedroom house and financial security. I focused on doing up the house and was pregnant at 27 but, I always think, ideally, I would’ve started at 25. There was honestly no reason not too. I just didn’t get it much serious thought at that time! I knew it was coming and what I wanted but I suppose I felt young but… I’ve never changed - LOL! I’m similar now. I can’t tell you really why. But of fear. I wanted to hang onto the last shred of selfishness and no responsibility I had for a smidge longer! 
 

When I’m 45 my eldest boy will be 18! Woah! That is insane too me that I won’t have a “baby!” And I might be faced suddenly with a new one phase of life still relatively young? I don’t know. I am happy at the moment in this craziness but it will be interesting to me how I will feel and what I will do in that era of my life. My husband will be 55 when our boy turns 18z There seems quite a difference there! 
 

I would love to hang around enough to experience grandchildren, a huge table filled with all our three kids at Christmas, hopefully their wives, their husbands, their children. Whatever may come ay. In our youth, you often don’t think about things like this. I have only just thought about this in the last year or so.

 

x

[Batya33]

In my experience I don’t think people have reduced energy based on age at least until 70s and even then.  The people I know who have less energy have that because they choose to be more sedentary, they choose to eat in an unhealthy way or smoke or drink a lot, not because of age   Certainly there are medical conditions where the risk increases because of age but I don’t think aging means less energy until much much later   I think many people who think aging means weight gain are similarly misguided  again without a thyroid condition or other underlying condition   I know of many 20 somethings who drink a lot and or smoke and or eat in an unhealthy way and are constantly exhausted  I work out daily (and have worked out regularly since 1982), I try to get enough sleep and I eat in a reasonable way  and drink tons of water  

I never felt like I had no responsibility as an adult just because I was single. I don’t relate to that notion at all. I had responsibilities to my work, my volunteer work, my family and friends.
 

As did my husband. I can’t stand when single people are labeled as “carefree” if they aren’t married and or have no kids. My huge responsibilities pre child prepared me well for being a full time parent. 
I wanted kids by the time I was in my early 20s and decided early on - and reevaluated at age 37- that I would not have them until I was in a committed marriage (as it turned out we got pregnant before marriage but we already intended to marry ).  Nothing to do with wanting to be free in any way. 
financially I meant my own finances. I paid off my grad school loans when I was 31- took me 3 years - and saved from age 31-42 so that if I married someone who needed my financial contribution while I was home full time I could do so.  

Most 20 somethings I know and knew then do not have substantial financial assets they hscd saved - I’m not including through a spouse or parents/ family money.