Jump to content

Am I disrespectful or is he controlling??


Recommended Posts

My husband (39yo) and I (42yo) have been together for 15 years. Neither of us have ever cheated on the other. However, due to events from our past, trust has always been a point of conflict. He is skeptical of pretty much everything or thinks everyone has a hidden agenda. He’s always “planning for worst-case scenario”. I on the other hand am probably too trusting. I try to see the good in everyone, give people more chances than they probably deserve, and I am the one who usually looks for the bright side of tough situations. In general we are both reserved and easy going people who prefer to avoid conflict. Our differences are seen in situations where a nerve has been hit. If he is particularly bothered, annoyed, concerned, ect. about something he tends to be more conservative and virtuous in his reaction with a tendency to be a tad chauvinistic. I on the other hand tend to be more bold and vocal with my reaction with a tendency to be a tad riotous. This has led to more than a few disagreements over the years as to what is considered “appropriate” clothing for me to wear. Most recently a pair of shorts that he thought were too short. Currently our 21yo daughter and her 25yo boyfriend live with us while she finishes school.  The other day I had neglected the laundry for a couple days and all the usual lounge pants I have were dirty. So I threw on a pair of lounge shorts. They were just plain cotton pajama shorts. And yes, they were “booty” shorts, but not distastefully short. And I wasn’t going commando, I wore a respectable pair of cotton hipster style underwear. During the week I babysit my granddaughter in the mornings while our daughter is in class bc the boyfriend works nights and is usually sleeping. On this particular morning my husband got off work early and came home around lunchtime. After he was home for less than an hour I heard the boyfriend in another room talking to my granddaughter, the first I’d heard him awake that day and it was about the time he usually starts moving around. I continued to watch TV and remained in my bedroom. I had been there for the majority of the morning and the entire time my husband had been home. Then about 5 minutes later he walks into the room and says “Do you think you could put on something that doesn’t have your a** hanging out while he’s walking around the house?”  I in turn saw RED and was infuriated. I went into a tirade and definitely should have handled my reaction better. But I was furious. And it wasn’t so much about the request as to how the request was presented. Because this wasn’t my usual “lay around the house” attire. It is on VERY rare occasion that I wear shorts like that. One look at the 5 different piles of sorted laundry on the floor between us, and I thought it was obvious I was backed up on laundry. I do not make it a habit to frolic around the house scantily clad. Even though I feel that it’s my house, my home, and I should be free to wear whatever I want to, out of respect for my husband I generally am very conscientious of what I wear around the house. The only exception being the request that I put on a bra if another male other than my husband or son was there. UPS man needed a signature? Upon returning from answering the door I got the head to toe back to head scan with a perplexed look on his face as he asked “You answered the door without a bra?”   (And let me clarify, I am far from being considered a voluptuous girl, in the cleavage area I’m probably more on the low end of average. Also I wear oversized Tshirts around the house, not spaghetti strap tank tops) The question annoyed me, and I made that known but quickly brushed it off. At a later date when I was questioned on whether or not I thought I was using good judgment by making the decision to not wear a bra around the house when my son (13 or 14 at the time) had a friend spend the night, I put my foot down. I hate bras, I have never put one on that I didn’t want to immediately take off, and I refuse to be shamed into thinking I had to in the comfort of my own home. I know I need to work on how I respond to these requests. But am I wrong to think these requests are ridiculous?? Is it disrespectful of me to think my husband shouldn’t tell me what I can and can’t wear.  Where does the line cross between me being disrespectful and him being controlling?? How would you handle this situation?? How should I handle this situation??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Froggyjjj said:

My husband (39yo) and I (42yo) have been together for 15 years. . I on the other hand tend to be more bold and vocal with my reaction with a tendency to be a tad riotous.  our 21yo daughter and her 25yo boyfriend live with us  to my granddaughter, 

Unfortunately you have a lot more problems than laundry and outfits.

First. Tell the BF to move back home. 

You seem to want to characterize yourself as a free spirit who wears her daughter's clothes.

You also seem to characterize your husband as a party pooper who won't let you be "riotous'. 

First, kick the BF out. Then get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss midlife issues and overall health as well as anger. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss the tension in your household and the marital conflicts and bickering it's causing. 

See if marriage therapy could help you two get along despite the contempt and disrespect you have built up toward each other.

Most of all get the BF out of the house and tell your daughter to get a job, do her own laundry and look for a place to live.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like this is easy - I wear lounge pants a lot especially because we telework so much now.  I found a pair I like but they tend to fall apart often.  So - here's what I would do.  Tell husband you are ordering another pair or two (I get mine at Target -under $20) - so you always have a spare.  I don't think it's appropriate to wear booty shorts if your daughter's boyfriend is around. 

As far as a bra what I do is if I have to leave the house to get the mail downstairs (in the building) I throw on a coat or sweatshirt.  No one can tell whether I'm wearing one or not but that way nothing can be seen (I wear heavy weight t-shirts most of the time but I then add the other layer).  I do wear a bra if I'm going to go out shopping or to pick up take out, etc.  

I understand you were behind on laundry -I can relate! I have a couple of older pairs of lounge pants for that purpose.  I really don't think it needs to be a big deal.  (Husband and I are in our mid 50s, married over 10 years, teenage son).  

I'm sorry this was frustrating for you.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think these are all symptoms of other issues. This is not about the bra nor the shorts.

You guys seem not to be on the same wavelength. When is the last time you went on dates? How is the relationship outside these arguments? How's communication overall? Do you guys work through your feelings, or just get all toxic and try not to mention arguments anymore?

I do think the bf should be living with you guys as well, but from what I'm reading he's there temporarily until they can find jobs and afford housing? Why isn't he living with his parents?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It’s likely the way he talks down to you and bosses you around with that tone that is more infuriating and grating on the nerves as it suggests total disrespect and distrust towards your choices. It’s not like you tell him to comb his hair or wear a more presentable tshirt if he looks like a slob or an undershirt/tank because his nips are showing. Really - how petty can one get.

Another thought also about under garments namely bras, your discomfort with them may have to do with them being poorly fitted. It doesn’t matter your size. Invest some time and money into breathable or comfy sports bras or a style that fits you better. 

I’d suggest you tell your husband to control his temper or comments and agree with him since you don’t usually wear those items. You don’t need to agree with everything he says but you both do need to treat each other with mutual respect especially within earshot of other family or guests. That’s just basic human decency.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Froggyjjj said:

My husband (39yo) and I (42yo) have been together for 15 years. 21yo daughter and her 25yo boyfriend live with us while she finishes school.  

Do you work or is your husband supporting you, your daughter, her BF and your granddaughter? This is not about controlling your wardrobe, this is about a chaotic household.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do wonder if this isn't you both acting out due to the living situation. Sounds stressful. And you said yourself he tends to get shorter about these things when stressed and you tend to get a bit rebellious. Was he ok with the arrangement or is it something he got convinced on by you and your daughter, since you said you are the one who tends to give more chances than you maybe should? 

I was thinking it's off that you have piles of laundry when theres so many adults in the house who could be doing it, especially since they are getting I assume free housing and childcare from you guys? Are they actually pulling their load? 

As for the clothes, we'll no he shouldn't talk to you like that. However, it seems to me to be something that isn't really necessary on your end, sorry. Seems common sense to me to wear a bra when others are in the house and dress on the more conservative side when others are in the house too. I don't care what others wear but it's a courtesy of sorts. I've been to homes of friends where the dad was walking around in his tightie whites and though I'd say nothing as it's his home, yeah it made me a bit uncomfortable. As an example. 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like Batya33's suggestion. And like Dr. Phil says about right-fighters, "Do you want to be right, or happy?"

You and your husband's views about the clothing situation are different. It sounds like he's up there at a 10 in annoyance. When the situation could be easily fixed by you, and it wouldn't take much to cover everything, it's probably a consensus you should make for the good of your marriage. On his part, I'd ask him to be more respectful and caring of you in how he phrases requests, and give him a concrete example of how he could've instead phrased the request.

My husband and I have asked of each other things we feel strongly about that the other doesn't.  It's a common practice. If you both could benefit from better communication skills, try reading a book together like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

26 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

do wonder if this isn't you both acting out due to the living situation. Sounds stressful. And you said yourself he tends to get shorter about these things when stressed and you tend to get a bit rebellious. Was he ok with the arrangement or is it something he got convinced on by you and your daughter, since you said you are the one who tends to give more chances than you maybe should? 

I'd been wondering the same!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At the end of the day, is this shame about your body a price of admission you want to continue paying?

 

I live in a city that gets bloody hot in summer and between being worried about climate change and the dwindling resource of fossil fuel I hold out on using the air con until the house is unbearable. Long before then it’s too warm to be comfortable wearing clothes and I’m stripped down to bra and undies, housemates can like it or lump it! (My housemate goes even further and wanders around naked, she checked with me first, I told her I didn’t mind). I feel like a partner who demanded I cover up and be hot or run the air con would be an incompatible partner for me. They’re not wrong, I’m not wrong, but me forcing my lack of clothes on them or them forcing their prudish need for clothing on me would be. 
 

If your values around clothing more or less line up with your partners then I think the order a few more lounge pants idea is great. 
 

If you feel more like me about it (like in your own home you shouldn’t have to be dressed for outside unless you have visitors) then that’s either a boundary you establish with your partner (he’s going to have a reaction to that, it could be a deal breaker for him), or maybe you and he have grown too far apart and you split. Or in many other ways he is lovely and loving to you and that makes it worth paying that price of admission and the buying a few more pairs of pants solution is back on the table. 
 

As for how he voices his grievance, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work or is your husband supporting you, your daughter, her BF and your granddaughter? This is not about controlling your wardrobe, this is about a chaotic household.

Lol. Very chaotic indeed. And no, I work and am the primary supporter. This was my day off. Daughter is in last year of NP school(she graduated high school at 15) and was req. to sign contract saying she wouldn’t work. But they will be gone next year

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:
12 hours ago, Batya33 said:
12 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I do wonder if this isn't you both acting out due to the living situation. Sounds stressful. And you said yourself he tends to get shorter about these things when stressed and you tend to get a bit rebellious. Was he ok with the arrangement or is it something he got convinced on by you and your daughter, since you said you are the one who tends to give more chances than you maybe should? 

I was thinking it's off that you have piles of laundry when theres so many adults in the house who could be doing it, especially since they are getting I assume free housing and childcare from you guys? Are they actually pulling their load? 

As for the clothes, we'll no he shouldn't talk to you like that. However, it seems to me to be something that isn't really necessary on your end, sorry. Seems common sense to me to wear a bra when others are in the house and dress on the more conservative side when others are in the house too. I don't care what others wear but it's a courtesy of sorts. I've been to homes of friends where the dad was walking around in his tightie whites and though I'd say nothing as it's his home, yeah it made me a bit uncomfortable. As an example. 

 

Kids are only here a year. Them moving in was my husband’s suggestion not mine. They don’t pay rent but I don’t give them money either. They buy all groceries as well. Everybody here does there own laundry. This particular night the laundry that was needing prioritized was my husband’s. I had just agreed to stay up and wash them since I was off work

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I feel like a partner who demanded I cover up and be hot or run the air con would be an incompatible partner for me. They’re not wrong, I’m not wrong, but me forcing my lack of clothes on them or them forcing their prudish need for clothing on me would be. 
 

If your values around clothing more or less line up with your partners then I think the order a few more lounge pants idea is great. 

Her daughter's adult boyfriend lives with them.  They are not related.  So I think she should dress as if she has male visitors (or females who might be uncomfortable).  Your housemate checked with you because she knew it was something to check about -it's atypical to wander around in the nude.  I would not feel comfortable because that person might choose to sit on the couch without clothing or her private parts might get in contact with kitchen appliances or food in the fridge.  In her own room -sure.  Whatever. 

My son is 13 and I cover up a lot more now than ever because he's started puberty.  I don't want him to feel awkward or confused.   And it's not easy as it's a small apartment and my husband sleeps in mornings so I have to be more conscious of it if I'm going to shower, etc.

A need for clothing doesn't make one prudish. At all.  My husband will not answer the door right away for our maintenance person if he is only wearing an undershirt and pants because an undershirt = underwear to him.  That's his comfort level.  It depends on the living circumstances.  There's a great Sex and the City episode where Carrie visits a married couple in the Hamptons and in the morning the husband comes out of the bedroom and his penis is showing - he sees that Carrie is there and he doesn't care.  She tells her friend as it happens twice I think and she is promptly escorted out of the home. 

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Froggyjjj said:

Very chaotic indeed. Daughter is in last year of NP school. But they will be gone next year

Ok, try restoring some order. Have both your daughter and her BF start doing laundry, shopping, chores, errands, etc. There's no "contract" she had to sign to let both her and her BF loaf around.

Wear your own decent clean clothes around the house. That's a no-brainer. While your husband's remark indicated contempt and disrespect, your kids/her BF are an undeniable part of this build up resentment. Stop coddling them.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Froggyjjj said:

Lol. Very chaotic indeed. And no, I work and am the primary supporter. This was my day off. Daughter is in last year of NP school(she graduated high school at 15) and was req. to sign contract saying she wouldn’t work. But they will be gone next year

Then hold the peace and your issue is really in the way your husband barks at you. He is disrespectful and crude. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Froggyjjj said:

 

OK, what do you think about the idea though that you may be making other people besides your husband uncomfortable in these situations? If you knew you were making your son in law uncomfortable, for example, would it have any bearing on your actions? Or your son... if he was embarrassed by mom in front of his friends, would you care? 

There's inconsistencies though in what you are saying. I'll leave it at that. Good luck. 

Edited by itsallgrand
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If your husband takes pleasure in upsetting you and calling you names, that's a separate issue.  Because you could be at home in a nun's outfit and he'd still find fault if that's his goal.

14 hours ago, Froggyjjj said:

I work and am the primary supporter.

Does your husband not work?  Or work part time?  Or work a lower-paying job?  Perhaps he's feeling bad about himself and is lashing out as a result.  Not a good way to deal with it, but at least there's a reason.

The two of you need to talk this out if you're going to stay married.  Otherwise home will end up being an uncomfortable war zone instead of your sanctuary.

And I do agree with having to make accommodations when others are in your home.  One time my brother and his then-wife invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner. My son was about 13 at the time.  When we all arrived my sister in law, who was about 7 months pregnant, was wearing a button down blouse with only the top two buttons fastened and a pair of panties.  My brother was in a t-shirt and boxers.  I must have said something or had a look on my face because they said "We're all family!  It's no big deal!!"  Well, to us it was.  My poor son looked terribly uncomfortable.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OH this reminds me of when I went to my friend's house and her dad was in his tightie whities and trying to have a conversation with me. It was so awkward and unsettling to say the least.

Sorry Poster, but I believe you put your SIL and your husband in a situation that probably made each one of them feel awkward, uncomfortable and weirded out by your booty shorts.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/16/2022 at 4:20 AM, Froggyjjj said:

My husband (39yo) and I (42yo) have been together for 15 years. Neither of us have ever cheated on the other. However, due to events from our past, trust has always been a point of conflict. He is skeptical of pretty much everything or thinks everyone has a hidden agenda. He’s always “planning for worst-case scenario”. I on the other hand am probably too trusting. I try to see the good in everyone, give people more chances than they probably deserve, and I am the one who usually looks for the bright side of tough situations. In general we are both reserved and easy going people who prefer to avoid conflict. Our differences are seen in situations where a nerve has been hit. If he is particularly bothered, annoyed, concerned, ect. about something he tends to be more conservative and virtuous in his reaction with a tendency to be a tad chauvinistic. I on the other hand tend to be more bold and vocal with my reaction with a tendency to be a tad riotous. This has led to more than a few disagreements over the years as to what is considered “appropriate” clothing for me to wear. Most recently a pair of shorts that he thought were too short. Currently our 21yo daughter and her 25yo boyfriend live with us while she finishes school.  The other day I had neglected the laundry for a couple days and all the usual lounge pants I have were dirty. So I threw on a pair of lounge shorts. They were just plain cotton pajama shorts. And yes, they were “booty” shorts, but not distastefully short. And I wasn’t going commando, I wore a respectable pair of cotton hipster style underwear. During the week I babysit my granddaughter in the mornings while our daughter is in class bc the boyfriend works nights and is usually sleeping. On this particular morning my husband got off work early and came home around lunchtime. After he was home for less than an hour I heard the boyfriend in another room talking to my granddaughter, the first I’d heard him awake that day and it was about the time he usually starts moving around. I continued to watch TV and remained in my bedroom. I had been there for the majority of the morning and the entire time my husband had been home. Then about 5 minutes later he walks into the room and says “Do you think you could put on something that doesn’t have your a** hanging out while he’s walking around the house?”  I in turn saw RED and was infuriated. I went into a tirade and definitely should have handled my reaction better. But I was furious. And it wasn’t so much about the request as to how the request was presented. Because this wasn’t my usual “lay around the house” attire. It is on VERY rare occasion that I wear shorts like that. One look at the 5 different piles of sorted laundry on the floor between us, and I thought it was obvious I was backed up on laundry. I do not make it a habit to frolic around the house scantily clad. Even though I feel that it’s my house, my home, and I should be free to wear whatever I want to, out of respect for my husband I generally am very conscientious of what I wear around the house. The only exception being the request that I put on a bra if another male other than my husband or son was there. UPS man needed a signature? Upon returning from answering the door I got the head to toe back to head scan with a perplexed look on his face as he asked “You answered the door without a bra?”   (And let me clarify, I am far from being considered a voluptuous girl, in the cleavage area I’m probably more on the low end of average. Also I wear oversized Tshirts around the house, not spaghetti strap tank tops) The question annoyed me, and I made that known but quickly brushed it off. At a later date when I was questioned on whether or not I thought I was using good judgment by making the decision to not wear a bra around the house when my son (13 or 14 at the time) had a friend spend the night, I put my foot down. I hate bras, I have never put one on that I didn’t want to immediately take off, and I refuse to be shamed into thinking I had to in the comfort of my own home. I know I need to work on how I respond to these requests. But am I wrong to think these requests are ridiculous?? Is it disrespectful of me to think my husband shouldn’t tell me what I can and can’t wear.  Where does the line cross between me being disrespectful and him being controlling?? How would you handle this situation?? How should I handle this situation??

To be honest, he does sound like he's being rude about things, but on the other, why are you answering the door with no bra on and no bra around your son's friends?

You gotta be respectable at least sometimes, right? 

As for the daughters boyfriend and the shorts, the boyfriend living there is definitely not setting a good example and although you meant nothing by it, wearing booty shorts around him, isn't the best idea. 

I mean, you're trying to set a good example and booty shorts is probably not the best choice.

Just my two cents.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

A need for clothing doesn't make one prudish.

Absolutely.

It's about respect. Respect for yourself, and for those around you.

Although it sounds like you don't want to consider how others are feeling, it's probably best you do.

Making people uncomfortable by how you dress, is not going to do yourself any favors.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m pretty surprised by some of these responses…

OP, if you are willing to slip on a bra and wear lounge pants around the house simply to be respectful of your husband, then he can at least extend you some consideration when clean laundry runs out.

If no one else is doing laundry in that house, they need to help. Like yesterday.

Just to give you some context, I rarely ever have a bra on at my house. Sometimes I don’t have a bra on at Walmart. If it’s summer, I most likely have shorts on. I do not feel like my body is something I should have to hide, or make presentable for other people. And if any guy has an issue with me not wearing a bra, that’s HIS problem, not mine. So yeah, your husband is lucky to have you.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you mentioned some "events" in your pasts that trust is an issue.

Exactly what were these "events"?    I am guessing it involved you and some other guy and so you husband is insecure about how you dress and how other men see or perceive you.

 Simply appeasing him doesn't sound like a long term solution so why don't you tell us the whole story so we know why your husband reacts the way he does.

 Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, indea08 said:

And if any guy has an issue with me not wearing a bra, that’s HIS problem, not mine.

Her 13 year old son and his friend? Come on, it's a matter of just being a decent/respectable parent.

And what exactly is wrong with having a robe and putting it around you when answering the door to people so you don't make them feel uncomfortable? Since when it is so terrible to want to consider how you're making other people feel?

This attitude of "who cares", "suck it up", "that's their problem, not mine", is just so wrong, imo.

There is nothing wrong with taking in consideration of others, or trying to make others feel comfortable in your presence, even if it means making adjustments. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Her 13 year old son and his friend? Come on, it's a matter of just being a decent/respectable parent.

And what exactly is wrong with having a robe and putting it around you when answering the door to people so you don't make them feel uncomfortable? Since when it is so terrible to want to consider how you're making other people feel?

This attitude of "who cares", "suck it up", "that's their problem, not mine", is just so wrong, imo.

There is nothing wrong with taking in consideration of others, or trying to make others feel comfortable in your presence, even if it means making adjustments. 

If I have a tshirt on, and my boobs are covered, but not in a bra, that should not make anyone uncomfortable. I don’t need to fix myself up to be on display. You don’t like boobs? Look me in the face and not at my boobs. I don’t dress scantily, but some people want to, more power to them. Live and let live. And free the tatas.

Edited by indea08
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My maintenance guy came yesterday for a brief period of time.  I am small chested. I wore a huge t-shirt -it's like a dress on me- plus thick -and lounge pants (t-shirt went mid-thigh) -no bra but I was like in this huge sack-like outfit.  I would not have worn a thinner t-shirt or anything snug in front of a man in my home.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...