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Having doubts in relationship. Thinking of an old friend.


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Hi guys,

I have a problem in my life and I was hoping for some advice please. 
 

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now. Living together for 1 year. 
 

I am currently having doubts about our relationship and I’m not sure where there coming from, or what I’m meant to do about it. 
 

Our relationship had been fantastic, up until the time we moved in together. We fight about dumb stuff now. We get on each other’s nerves now and then. And sometimes, I feel like I just need a break from him. 
 

Ever since I’ve been feeling like this, thoughts of an old friend have been popping into my head and I feel insanely guilty about them. This friend and I were never sexual, but we both had feelings for one another. I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s making me sick to my stomach. This friend and I have not been in contact at all since my partner and I started dating - although I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I still feel extremely dirty, deceitful and wrong.
 

The sex in my relationship has really dwindled since moving in together and I hate it. I feel unfulfilled in the bedroom and it’s affecting my confidence. I keep having extremely vivid, sexual dreams about my long lost friend. 
 

What the hell is wrong with me. How do I fix this. Please help! 

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1 hour ago, JungleTranscript said:

 Our relationship had been fantastic, up until the time we moved in together.  I feel like I just need a break from him. 

The sex in my relationship has really dwindled since moving in together and I hate it.  

Sorry this is happening. Moving in together was a mistake and you know this.

You replaced dating,sex and romance with household drugery and bickering about mundane things like habits, bills, etc. Playing house is a convenience, not a commitment.

Why did you move in together? Who's place is it? Do you co-own or co-lease?

 Make arrangements to sever ties and the relationship. It's not working out. Whoever this friend is you're daydreaming about is a symptom of the real problem which is moving in together was a huge mistake.

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1 hour ago, JungleTranscript said:

What the hell is wrong with me. How do I fix this. Please help! 

I think you’ve already answered a lot of your own questions about why your relationship isn’t working. 

How you “fix” it depends on what you want. Do you want to stay with your boyfriend or go your separate ways? Focusing on someone else is a way to distract yourself from sadness and pain, without dealing with your situation. It’s you coping, not thriving. 

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The thoughts about your friend are a kind of escape from your current relationship troubles. It doesn't necessarily mean that you actually want that friend.

Why have you only recently moved in together? 4 years before moving in together is a lot.

Maybe you were good outside the house, but once you are together you don't actually "mesh" per se. So many incompatibilities can surface when people move in together. And the fights are just a symptom. No- nothing is wrong with you. Happens to everyone.

You need to have a sit down with your bf and address these issues. Communicate about why there are some resentments or misunderstandings, and see if it's salvageable. Also, check in with yourself and see if your heart is still in it. Cause if it's not... Then you've checked out of the relationship due to the arguments, and you guys need to go in separate ways.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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It sounds to me as though you've discovered that you and your boyfriend are maybe not as compatible as you thought. Sometimes we only learn this upon sharing living space 24-7.

Have you brought your concerns about the fighting and decrease in sex? What do you tend to argue about, and what steps have you already taken to resolve the issues? How old are the two of you? 

You seem to already know that your thoughts about your friend are not the real issue. Your relationship is. I would focus less on feeling guilty for having some escapist fantasy, and more on what you see in the future for yourself and your boyfriend - and if there even is one. 

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