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My friend was making me have sex with him but my bf doesn’t believe me


TinaP777
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I dunno if I should tell you how he took advantage of you or to just give you "best friend forever" award. The reason is that you are just telling us that he just asked sex from you and you complied and now its not OK with you. When coincidently your boyfriend found out about it.

What I am trying it say is, its really complicated, OP. You are trying to paint it as rape but you complied 2 months with the guy just because he asked. Do you understand that your boyfriend, parents, authorities would understood the same? Guy is a scum, there is no doubt about it. But your story? Aside of you being confused what is and what isnt consentual sex, there is a part where you just let him do whatever he wants for 2 months. Again, maybe you were confused. But still, its a big stretch of a story.

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4 hours ago, waffle said:

There is nothing to report.  Tell your parents, obviously, so they can help you arrange for counseling to help you with boundaries, etc.  Your "friend" is a piece of crap, to be clear, but you ceased being a victim and became a volunteer when you repeatedly, actively and willingly put yourself in this situation.  You were there because you wanted to be there.  Counseling/therapy may help you figure this out.  If you are in college, maybe someone affiliated with the school could also point you in the right direction.  Don't delay, make this a priority.

^ This. I'll probably be flamed for this, but I agree that there is nothing to report.  This will never stand up in court when you have to explain yourself for going to see this guy for 2 months and call it rape.  I'm sorry, but you willingly went to meet up with him for 2 months - knowing what he "did" the first time ...... but then you go back for more??

This is nothing more than you cheating, willingly, with this guy and now want to blame somebody for your actions.  I can see why your boyfriend doesn't believe you/or trust you. I am by no means condoning this guy's behaviour, but you had 2 months to say NO and walk away each and every time you met up with him.  That's on you.

I agree with all the above posts who advise that you look into professional counseling/therapy to help you figure out why you kept going on with this, and help point you in the right direction.

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I’m sorry but I don’t think there is anything to report either. Yes, you may not have told anyone that he raped you in the first place because he was your friend. But then it’s your fault that you were alone with him over  and over for 2 months.

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Look, I can't say whether or not you have a reportable case because I wasn't there and I don't know how your mindset works.

I can only relate something that happened to me when I was about your age.  I was 18 and away at college.  One of the fraternity guys I'd known for several months and considered a casual friend told me there was a party going on at a house off campus.  I slightly knew the guys who were having the party so I agreed to walk to the house with the fraternity guy.  When we got to the house it was completely dark.  It was obvious there was no party going on.  So I said something and he admitted he'd lied about the party because he wanted to get me alone.  He then proceeded to attempt to sexually assault me.  Luckily I was able to fight him off because there was no one around to hear me if I'd screamed.  I ran back to my dorm on campus and told two of my friends.  One of them was sympathetic but the other one blamed me for going off alone with the guy.  Since I was a teenager with zero experience with this kind of thing I didn't report him.  But I certainly avoided him.  I didn't want to go back to his fraternity house even though I had many friends there.  I did go one time with my friends and he glared at me from across the room.  Another time I was walking across campus and he was driving and he veered his car toward me.  I had to jump onto the curb to avoid being hit by his car.  Several people witnessed this, but (forgot to mention this) he was extremely popular and well known on campus (he was a senior, I was a freshman).  So again, no one reported him.

But I did not continue to hang out with him.  I didn't go anywhere alone with him and the one time I went to his frat house I was with several friends.  I didn't consider him a good friend who I was obligated to hang out with and allow to paw at me and have sex with me.

And for the record, I too experienced sexual abuse as a child.  For many, many years.  But I knew what this guy tried to do was wrong.  I didn't want to take the chance of it happening again.

I recommend you talk to your parents about some counseling.  I fear you'll keep allowing men to take advantage of your unwillingness to stand up and say "no" when they try to coerce you into sex.

Edited by boltnrun
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First of all put the belief that men can’t control their sexual urges into the bin where it needs to go. This isn’t true, and if it is true of your friend he needs to be locked up for the good of society (but it’s most likely he lied to you). 
 

A friend of mine spent 3 months coming to my house and having sex with my housemate. On the outside it looked like she was consenting (although outside of the room she would say ‘I’m a lesbian, I don’t like the penis, I don’t want to have sex with your housemate’) Years later she unambiguously calls him her rapist. She says she waa coerced into returning because he had compromising photos of her. That facade of willingness that she kept up for 3 months was a trauma response. 
 

Definitely definitely definitely get some mental health care. Without improving your boundaries you run the risk of having more experiences like this. 

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I'm not sure where you live, but a lot of cities have women's clinics. You can often get free STI checks, see a gyno, and talk to a councillor. Often times they can help you with birth control options too.

That might be a good option for you. Depending where you are, you would want to check to make sure it's not a political group disguising as a clinic. 

 

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Thanks for all the advice.  Everyone.  You have all given me a lot to think about.  

Based on everything I've heard here, it seems like it would be pointless for me to tell on him.  No one is going to believe me cuz I kept hanging out with him. I now realize how stupid that was.

The problem is my bf is really pissed about all of this and HE wants me to tell on him.  He also doesn't want me to see this guy anymore, even if other people are around. But I believe in forgiving people and don't want to be the kind of person that hates all men because of one bad experience.

What should I do???

 

 

 

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38 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

But I believe in forgiving people and don't want to be the kind of person that hates all men because of one bad experience.

Nobody is asking you to hate all men. And you need to cut contact with the person you call "friend", and that includes not seeing him anywhere. Real life is different than tv. You just block the dude. He assaulted you... This is not something you can forgive until you process what happened, and even when you forgive him you don't need to talk to him. Forgiveness is inner work.

You are really not aware of the extent and risks of your actions.

43 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

 

 

I really think you should check with a counselor cause you will be prone to such situations in the future. If you were raised at a home where speaking up for yourself and saying no was discouraged, then you'll struggle with this for a good while without help. I think you may have been people pleasing him, or you may have actually wanted the sex on some level. In either cases, your boundaries are blurred, and you need a good counselor to help you tell when or not they are crossed. And also, you need to deal with your childhood earliest sexual assault. Trust me, these things follow you in life. And I say this cause I've been there.

44 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

The problem is my bf is really pissed about all of this and HE wants me to tell on him. 

Well, you have to come clean to your bf. Tell him that you partially consented, but recognise now it was wrong. It's up to him to stay or leave. Reporting the guy might not get you to places because you actively sought him in some ways.

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2 hours ago, TinaP777 said:

He also doesn't want me to see this guy anymore, even if other people are around.

He's right. You should not be around this man at all. Ever again. 

2 hours ago, TinaP777 said:

I believe in forgiving people and don't want to be the kind of person that hates all men because of one bad experience.

This makes zero sense. This isn't about "hating all men." This is about what this particular man did. Wanting to hang out with him even after this isn't forgiveness. It's plain ridiculous.  

I'm sorry, but the more you write, the more it sounds like you actually were just cheating on your boyfriend and are now back-pedalling because you got caught. Flame away. 

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